Husband leaving me, mental health concerns

[Violet99]

Married 10 years, together 15, 2DC (primary age).

Things have been a bit up and down over the years, but happy on the whole. We've got a nice house, decent jobs and standard of living, no financial worries, the DC are happy and confident. On the surface things should be great, but we keep arguing.

H is sometimes described by others as grumpy, and he has become increasingly negative over time. It's like he thinks everyone and everything is against him whenever things don't go his way (whereas I think it might be rubbish sometimes but that is a normal part of life). Then he goes on a downward spiral of misery and becomes rude and snappy, picking on little things and blowing them up into huge rows.

He lost someone close to him recently, and it's made him think about his own mortality. This and the grief seems to have pushed him over the edge, and he's been explosive.

He's decided that he needs to change something and that should be to leave me, because I "don't meet his needs any more". This is largely because I don't meet his expectations sexually... not that it doesn't happen or isn't enjoyable when it does, but that I don't "dress up" for him enough, and I don't come up with new things to try in the bedroom.

I am 99% certain he is depressed, but he won't consider getting any help for it. He's said things like he's not sure it's worth being alive because nobody cares and everything is a struggle. Even if he leaves me I can't just stop caring and he is the father of my children. I don't know what to do.

Has anyone been through something like this and can give advice? Sometimes I feel like I should just let him go and maintain minimal contact because I'm struggling to keep things relatively normal for the sake of the kids and to focus at work, but I'm so worried about him and I'd like to work things out really, I just don't know if it's possible. 😞

He sounds difficult to please. You wear holdups, he wants stockings. As if your sex life is about you being there to please him. Let him pay for it if he wants that level of focus and control.

You both may be much happier apart. It's not so bad you know. Better than always trying to please someone who is always dissatisfied. And perhaps he would also be happier either apart or with a new partner if he can find a new doormat partner to pander to him

Part of depression can be extreme selfishness in some cases, he can only see and feel what he's seeing and feeling and he's only looking inwards. The problem is it means you end up having to bend over backwards to please him (and in most cases he'll pick holes in what you do), and he does nothing to help you.

it takes two people to make a marriage work and if he's not prepared to help himself doing things like seeing his GP or a councillor, it'll never improve.

Sounds all very one sided op, and as much as you want to help him, it's only him that can help himself.

Oh just tell him to fuck off already.

He's a miserable presence in your home who feels entitled to be "explosive" and expects you to prance around in sexy underwear to keep him in a half civil mood. Why would you put up with that or give a shit about his mental health? Which will be fine by the way because he will swiftly be on Tinder having lots of sex with women who haven't yet realuse

...realised what a dead loss he is.

I suppose I just don't want to break up our family or give up on him if it is a mental health issue that can be resolved.

Also if we split then the DC will be worse off as we will both have much less money to spare. But I suppose that shouldn't trump everything else as we could still survive.

Either way things will be easier if we can discuss it rationally. I'm not sure that we can at the moment.

@Violet99 I have lived this life to a certain extent and I have read this situation on here a million times. You could bend yourself backwards and nothing that you would do will please him. Your behaviour has already been altered by his moods and let me tell you - whatever approach you take will make no difference. In his eyes YOU are the problem and eventually in YOUR eyes you become the problem because you hear this. He has said horrible things to you. I understand how people cling to a shitty relationship as fear keeps them there but I would say you can do much better than this. I have lived this daily dread of "what will he be like today?" and it is mentally destructive. He is not a family or team player now - it is all about his own happiness. I also suspect he is going through the motions of counselling etc as his mind is pretty well made up. This is why he seems "depressed" - he is wrestling with living in a situation and looking for excuses to validate his feelings. Honestly life can be so much better than this.

He's treating you like some kind of blow up doll or sex worker, there to fulfill his " needs", yet you are worrying about his mental health?
Sounds like he is too chicken to be the one to end it, but is trying to push you to do it.
He sounds horrible, and I suspect you have become inured to his selfishness and nasty ways.

@DelphiniumBlue I expect you're right, it's gone on for so long that it's just become normal for me. It's difficult to see the reality sometimes.

I'd just feel awful if I didn't even try then he went off and did something drastic / stupid. Mostly for the sake of the children.

It's almost like he's making a cry for help, but can't accept the help (not because of the saying he's leaving, but how he's told me he doesn't feel like it's worth him being alive etc. ).

Insist on him putting in as much effort sexually as he's expecting of you. I want you to have a full body wax, a glittery banana hammock and at least 6 orgasms a session please, or you're not "meeting my neeeeeeds". Honestly what a pathetic excuse, does he think young hot women are going to be lining up to have wild sex with a miserable, angry, bad tempered middle aged man? Let him go. You're not a rehab centre for men who can't be bothered to sort out their own bullshit.

This!
I hate to say it but if I was your best friend I’d be telling you “ I don’t know why you are bothering and would be better off without this miserable manipulative person. How much more of your life are to going to commit?
Someone needs to burst his bubble.

ExH was like this. I assumed it was depression. Constantly grumpy and irritable. Wouldn’t get help. There had been some difficult family circumstances so I made allowances. Stayed for dc. Didn’t want to throw it away without trying. But if he doesn’t want to change then it won’t improve. I ended it when dc started copying his behaviour and talking down to me. My mental health started slipping because of constant criticism, resentment (he was barely earning or working) and I felt I had to referee between him and dc. Every morning we would I wake him to him shouting about something. Holidays were ruined by his moods. I was relieved when I asked him to leave. Dc were upset but quickly happier in a calm house. DC are now older and tell me they ‘hated’ their dad during that time. When we split and they visited exH at weekends the first 24 hours would be great and then he would get irritable. The dc now tell me this made them feel they were never good enough. You need to really think about the impact on the dc of staying. I suspect he will struggle with them when they are teens and have their own emotional outbursts and argue back. His mental health may get better without parenting responsibilities. If you are doing all the heavy lifting already then it will be easier without the tense atmosphere on top. Hard work physically but mentally it’s a huge relief to have control of your own life again. Ignore the threats that’s just manipulative and controlling. It was only when exH left I looked back and realised even before the MH issues he’d been selfish. It had become normal to put myself last.

He’s not grumpy, he’s abusive. You say he is explosive and that he’s broken things. I assume this has happened in the privacy of your home and not at work. And now he’s emotionally abusing you by threatening to leave because you won’t dress up for him. It sounds like he’s been pressuring you sexually for quite some time, and despite your efforts it’s been deemed not good enough.

Why do you need to dress up constantly? That’s not normal. In your shoes I would never do that again seeing as it’s caused so much conflict and it’s not good enough anyway. He is setting you up to fail, typical abusers trick.

Id tell him to go. Who needs an adult man around whining that the stockings you wore weren’t the right type.

Yes I do need to consider how living with the atmosphere between us will affect the DC. It can't be good for them.

We always agreed that we wouldn't argue in front of them but lately he doesn't seem bothered about that, and if I say stop this and we can discuss later away from them, he says I'm using them to emotionally manipulate him.

Apart from everything else, I think you definition/critieria of what makes a good dad may be off kilter. I see on here all the time: posters saying their partners are good dads and than describing behaviours that make them bloody awful dads.

Treating you like a sex doll, arguing in front of them and then blaming you for how guilty that makes him feel, umming and arring over whether to stay or go, refusing to properly engage with the help that can be offered. None of that is the behaviour of a good dad who is prioritising the wellbeing of his children.

Personally, I'd be telling him it's time to shit or get off the pot.

Either he stays and properly engages in therapy and speaks to the GP about mental health support. Or he goes.

We always agreed that we wouldn't argue in front of them but lately he doesn't seem bothered about that, and if I say stop this and we can discuss later away from them, he says I'm using them to emotionally manipulate him.

Do you realise how abusive this is? Of course he wants to argue around them because your response to these child witnessed rows will be very different than if you were alone, and it would be understandable if you were grovelling and placating him in front of them. He’s not a good dad.

@YouveGotToGrooveIt @Frogger8395 thanks, that's a useful perspective. You're right, it's not on.

You are describing an emotionally abusive relationship. His behaviour is justified in his mind because he believes your purpose is to make him happy. He doesn't feel happy ( for many reasons) and therefore to him this is your fault and up to you to fix. He will continue to talk about leaving to try to manipulate you into trying harder. I doubt he will actually go unless you make him as deep down he knows you will be happier without him.
It would be a good idea to talk to someone who understands abuse, and maybe get some legal advice too. I also recommend The Freedom programme.
Whilst you decide what to do please be really kind to yourself and distance yourself emotionally from his ups and downs. His emotional well-being is not for you to manage.

I agree. He’s emotionally abusive. And he’s using his abusive tactics (upsetting you by fighting in front of the children) to manipulate you further, including into making ludicrous efforts to fulfill his sexual fantasies, which do not benefit you at all, while he makes no changes at all.

This isn’t healthy or currently, something I’d want to save.

But my first port of call would be to insist he saw a doctor about his apparently decline in mental health. If he refuses, you can see how much he really cares, or not.

Read why does he do that. The author explains why abusive men often apear depressed.

@Violet99@Violet99 Soundssounds like you've really tried - but his attitude must be a big turn-off. His requests for lingerie sound very specific - most men would be delighted you'd made the effort, not criticise because it wasn't exactly the fantasy they'd ordered.

From your original post I thought maybe it was just mismatched libido, which can be really soul destroying if one partner feels constantly rejected, and the other feels harassed, but what you've described seems to go beyond this. He sounds quite inflexible in his requests, rather than appreciating what you do.

Just read your updates. This is really bad behaviour on his part; why does he think it's acceptable to argue in f front of the children? Whether he's depressed or not, you can't fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed. I spent about 15 years too long tiptoeing around ExH because I didn't want to split up the family, and felt sorry for him because he was depressed / unhappy / moody whatever. It did nobody any favours, least of all our children, who grew up seeing that sort of thing as acceptable. I think you need to look after yourself first.

He just told me that when he said he felt like there was no point being alive etc. that was because that's how I made him feel at the time, but he's changed his mind now he's had time to think about it!!

What a manipulative thing to say!

I've been bereaved recently, my Dad died and DH has been nothing less than compassionate but equally has told me that I'm not always nice to be around at the moment. Which I know that I'm not.

However my pain is my own to bear, and I don't have any entitlement or right to inflict that misery onto anyone else.

I think he's being allowed to get away with some fairly abusive behaviour towards you all under the guise of bereavement. And that needs to stop.

Honestly OP, I’d stop the conversations with him about how he’s feeling/your relationship and just get on with your life. You can’t fix him or “ make him happy,” it’s a way of deflecting the responsibility onto someone else.

Focus on yourself and the children this weekend and let him get on with whatever he’s going to do. You’ve tried to listen/help/arrange counseling and he’s not listening so he’ll have to work out what he wants.