Dating in 50s and physical attraction

[Bodensee]

I’m looking for opinions here. If you really like somebody, do they become more attractive to you because you like them? Or can that attraction wear off as you get to know them and they become more familiar?

The reason I’m asking is that I’m seeing somebody I really like. We’re 6 months in, and so far all is good. I’m attracted to him because I like who he is as a person and we genuinely get on, and although it’s early days, it all seems open and honest and straightforward. For context, we’re both in our 50s, both divorced, and have had our share of difficult times. He’s kind, funny, and a great dad to his grown up kids. However, although I’m attracted to him because of his character and overall self, I’m not sure I absolutely fancy him, if that makes sense. He’s not my type physically, although I realise this probably sounds ridiculous as we are pretty ancient! But If he’s standing at a bar or something, I really don’t think ‘phwoar’ in my mind or anything like that. I have done this with previous partners and this has been important to me. Maybe I’m shallow. Does any of this matter? I don’t want to go off him. Physically, I like his face, and his hands, and because we have a lovely time together, it works. The sex is good. The conversations are good. I like him very much and think he feels the same. It’s all a bit new to me really as there are no red flags. But I’m worried I’ll stop finding him attractive as time wears on and I’m a bit scared by that. How important is that absolute lust thing, or am I just being clueless?

I think as long as the sex is good I wouldn’t worry about it. The insta chemistry thing often wears off anyways.

I don't know...I mean...
If I didn't fancy someone I wouldn't date them.

Sometimes you might be on the fance and give it a few dates. But youre months down the line and still...just not that into him.

So you get along well, great, be friends.

*fence

I’m not dating but I’m the same age, but if I was, I’m not sure that I would feel that ‘phwoar’ anymore… I rarely look at men and think that now. I might appreciate a good looking guy but that real attraction that I felt when I was younger I think has been replaced with something less intense… maybe it’s more of a slow burn.

I agree though with PP, I would be happy being with someone whose company I enjoyed and the sex was good - sounds ideal 😁

Maybe a daft question but if you don't fancy him how did you start having sex? I'm younger so perhaps not there yet but not sure I could have sex if I didn't find a partner attractive. Do you find any men your age attractive?

However good company makes you laugh and good sex. Think that's a foundation for a good relationship. If you also share values and have a common direction in life I think you are on to a winner.

Thanks both.

It’s not that I don’t fancy him. It’s more that I’m aware that he’s not my type physically and I’m a bit conscious of that. Not sure why or if it matters. It’s almost like I’m waiting to feel the ick or something but I’m not remotely feeling that. I have no ick feelings at all. I really enjoy the time with him and like him very much - I think the mental pull is very powerful for me, attraction wise, especially as my married relationship was terrible, and I genuinely loathed my ex-h towards the end of our marriage as he was so awful.

Only had 2 serious relationships,one in my mid 40s and 1 in 50s. In the first one I I couldn't kerp my hands of him. He wasn't bothered. Sex was crap.2nd relationship he couldn't keep his hands off me I fancied him.but only ever had that pwhoar feelin once. Liked him,we laffed,enjoyed each others company and had a mutually satisfying sex life. I don't think thst phwoar factor has to be there tbh.

Are you in menopause, or on HRT? Could hormones be at play here?

Well, there are still objectively attractive 50s men around Livinghappy although not so many as in previous decades!

Met a few attractive older men during online dating, but they were often dull to talk to, or players. I did have a short fling with a lovely and very attractive man but there was no chemistry at all!! The click is a weird thing.

I'm in my 50s been with partner a decade Def no phoear but a great relationship all the same

Thanks BCBird and Greensleevevssnotnose That’s good to know.

Re: menopause, I’m not sure. Mirena coil here, no obvious symptoms. Sex still enjoyable.

I was seeing someone and felt very similar to you. In the end I had to break it off as it definitely started putting me off him. Then met someone very quickly after where the phwoar was right there so it was definitely the right thing for me

I've stopped ' fancying ' men , never thought about it but now I have it's probably my age.

I have been dating a man in his mid 50s. Objectively he is not phowar...but honestly I can't wait to get him into bed, he's incredibly sexy and a lovely, kind man. So in ans to your question I think you've got a good thing and the chances are it will get better. I would say the sex and passion got even better...

I think it's not an age thing if you're still finding some men your age attractive.
OK, there is less of them in this decade for you but you are still finding attractive age appropriate men so I reckon it's a lack of sexual attraction.

Does looking at him remind you you've aged, too and so find it depressing? Because men do this thing where they date younger and prettier as they see it as a reflection on themselves.
I think a possibility why you got several replies saying there is no phowar anymore in 50s could be because of hormones making you more rational, choosing a partner with your brain rather than fanny gallops of the youth?

So what it comes down to is, not that you don't fancy him, but you're worried you might not at some point in the future because of some vague concept of 'not my type'?
Apart from this, everything is fine?
If you want my armchair psychology two-pence-worth, I would say there's a part of you that's trying to sabotage the relationship. For what reason, I don't know, perhaps you're scared of getting too involved?

I don't know the answer but I'm very interested.

I'm been having a bit of a dalliance with a very attractive man in his 50s. Kind and reliable and good company. But there's no spark there at all and I'm wondering if that doesn't happen now we're old 😆

I think rather than thinking of us as fancying him, when you see him at the bar are you glad you are with him?

My gut reaction was the same....

Thanks for the replies. It’s helpful to get people’s take on it. I think there’s definitely some surprise (almost detached curiosity) that I’m more attracted to his personality, and that it’s this that makes him appealing to me rather than me madly fancying him. Rationality over fanny gallops, good way of putting it Mangoo. But I do need to fancy him and I don’t want it to slip away as I get to know him better. Hopefully as feelings deepen - if they do - then the attraction will remain, and I’ll stop seeing things so objectively.

Oh lord no ! I am in my 50s and fancy my bf like crackers...

I think that if you fall in love with someone because of their humour, conversation, intelligence, uniqueness, wit, connection or whatever it might be about them, often you do end up falling in love with every inch of them.

They become the whole package.

I’m 46 and guy I was seeing recently was 49 and I definitely fancy him. He looks good for his age and definitely turns me on! The sex was epic! You need that physical attraction in my opinion

Ah that’s a good way of seeing it determinedtomakeitwork. Yes, I am glad I’m with him. I just don’t necessarily want to rip his clothes off. But when we do take our clothes off, it all feels good 😅 Oh I don’t know. I think rather than looking for flaws, I should probably focus on how it feels when I’m with him as that’s what matters isn’t it.

I’m not sure about the sabotaging thing. Maybe I’m just not good at knowing when I feel content. Or is that the same thing?