Dating in 50s and physical attraction

[Bodensee]

I’m looking for opinions here. If you really like somebody, do they become more attractive to you because you like them? Or can that attraction wear off as you get to know them and they become more familiar?

The reason I’m asking is that I’m seeing somebody I really like. We’re 6 months in, and so far all is good. I’m attracted to him because I like who he is as a person and we genuinely get on, and although it’s early days, it all seems open and honest and straightforward. For context, we’re both in our 50s, both divorced, and have had our share of difficult times. He’s kind, funny, and a great dad to his grown up kids. However, although I’m attracted to him because of his character and overall self, I’m not sure I absolutely fancy him, if that makes sense. He’s not my type physically, although I realise this probably sounds ridiculous as we are pretty ancient! But If he’s standing at a bar or something, I really don’t think ‘phwoar’ in my mind or anything like that. I have done this with previous partners and this has been important to me. Maybe I’m shallow. Does any of this matter? I don’t want to go off him. Physically, I like his face, and his hands, and because we have a lovely time together, it works. The sex is good. The conversations are good. I like him very much and think he feels the same. It’s all a bit new to me really as there are no red flags. But I’m worried I’ll stop finding him attractive as time wears on and I’m a bit scared by that. How important is that absolute lust thing, or am I just being clueless?

I definitely lust after my DH and he’s nearly 70! We have a very active love-life, far more and far better than I had with exes in my twenties or thirties. The affection and allegiance are very deep, but so is the attraction.

I think hormones are probably playing a part, and things aren't as intense as they were in your 20/30s. My libido, whilst still there, has mellowed with age, and the intensity of physical attraction isn't generally as great as it used to be.

But the OP does fancy him. She's just not lust-crazed! That's just age I'm afraid.

I’m in my late 40s, and DH is in his mid-60s, and I fancy the very arse off him, so it’s not necessarily an age thing.

I don't think I have ever had that phwoar thing with my dh, even when we were very young. Objectively, he is very ordinary looking, not tall or muscular or anything. But I fell for him, enjoyed kissing him, sex was great, we have been married a long time and in our 50s now but in all that time I have never looked at him and thought phwoar. So not sure if its important or not?

Do you like the smell of him? I don’t think I find my DP insanely phoar - we are a little younger than you. But overall I find him attractive but I love the smell of him and particularly his armpits. Plus certain bits of him - his forearms, stomach, hands I really love.

In my 50's last relationship was fwaar! Too much really, it masked other signs that I did pick up on but should of paid more heed to, probably because of chemistry. Then again, same for one before him - I suppose I'm a sucker for chemistry? Except, tried the long slow burn which didn't work either. At least if you have good chemistry, you get good sex out of it. On balance, relationships are complex, there are compromises here and there with all aspects but overall, if you are happy, that's what matters. I wasn't happy overall so they didn't work out. If you are, don't overthink it.

It sounds as though you fancy him, but because he isn't your traditional 'type' you're waiting for it to wear off.

My best relationship (my DH) in terms of looks was definitely not my 'type' but we connected over a shared humour and approach to life. The more I knew him the more I fancied him. Now I always think he's the most attractive man in the room. We're quite old and I fancy the pants off him.

I think you might fancy him more as time goes on.

I didn’t think I fancied my DH enough when I first met him. I even doubted it when we first kissed, and the first couple of time we have sex.

I could see objectively that he is very handsome, and there was some kind of spark there of course, but just not what I’d experienced previously (when I’d met my first husband, for example, who turned out to be a complete prick, and all the boyfriends before that).

My DH treated me so well from day though and we laughed together so much. We had both been through difficult times too.

As time went on, I started to “fancy” him more and more. Six years on and I still can’t keep my hands off him, and the sex became the best I’d ever had.

I think I still become more attracted to him all the time - even during a phase when he put on quite a lot of weight and wasn’t objectively so attractive- and it’s because I respect and love him I think that it continues to grow. He is my best friend and completely on my team in life. The “ phwoar” is there now, very often, I didn’t know it could come later, based on my previous relationships I believed lust is there in the beginning but will always fade over time.

I am so glad I didn’t sabotage it because I thought there wasn’t enough attraction in the beginning. I had been dating someone else, who I’d met online, when I met DH, the other guy was definitely a “phwoar” but was also red flag central.

I cancelled a date with him to have a second date with DH (who I was still unsure about) and am so so glad I did. Being a bit older I recognised the feelings and dynamic with red flag guy, and respected myself enough to choose something different (although I did still dither about it first 😂)

I definitely think that fancying your partner is different from the phwoar factor you might think about a stranger standing at the bar. It's the whole package - personality as well as looks - that is attractive.

Good grief woman, you are in your 50s, not your 80s! Nothing 'ancient' about you! When you reach your 70s or 80s you will look back on being 50-ish as young! Change your mindset.

Bit confused by your question to be honest.
If you are having sex with this guy, then surely you fancy him? Or why bother?

I guess what you are saying is you don't want to rip his clothes off him.

Well, it's your call really. You could carry on looking for someone else, who you might go weak at the knees for, but he may be a dead loss in other ways.

IMO all relationships are a compromise unless you are very very lucky.
The tearing clothes off bit doesn't last anyway, so that's a bit of a fantasy.

It depends what you really want- comfortable sex and a nice guy, swinging from the chandeliers with a player, or carrying on looking for the 'perfect' man.

He sounds great! I certainly would not be throwing him back.

If the sex is good and you like him, it does rather seem like you are manufacturing an artificial, hypothetical problem.

My partner is 52, bald and grey. But i completely get the lust factor with him. He is just so sexy. We have a very active sex life though. Met through OLD and it it did take me a month to get past his age but that was because my previous boyfriend had been 34. Our chemistry was great, though it just took a while for my eyes to align with my other senses. I am about to turn 50 and peri menopausal.

When you say you like the smell of his armpits do you mean when he has a whiff of BO? That you don't find his smell repulsive when he is sweaty? Does it actually turn you on?
I have experienced with one guy where he had fresh sweat on a clean body and it really turned me on! My DH never seems put off by my smell. He'll kiss me with morning breath (ew sorry) but if I'm honest, I don't like his smell.

Smell is massively important - not BO, but the smell of his skin, fresh sweat, and no bad breath.

Mine is 52, and his body is not what it was in his student days (I've seen photos,) but it's way better than many men in their 50s (I spent a year doing OLD.) And he has the most gorgeous eyes and smile.

It's possible I'll end up going off him, but I don't think so, and we're currently both working in the theory we're in it for the long haul, despite it being early days. I'm sure there are many potential pitfalls and things which could go wrong, but that's the same for every relationship and as long as you're not ignoring red flags, then you have to take some risks. Just not the red flag ones.

Try not to think of him as being “not your usual type” - I mean, your usual type didn’t work out did it or you’d still be with him?

My boyfriend and I are early 50s and whilst I fancied him when I met him I didn’t get the phwoooarr that I did with men when I was young. It was more that I found him attractive, he had a lovely genuine smile and nice teeth and warm, kind eyes. Physically he’s great, a big hunk of a man and I liked that.

There was always a sexual attraction but it’s grown over the time we’ve been together, and the sex gets better and better. I now don’t need the phwoaarr as whilst I fancy the pants off him, I deeply love him and how he treats me and that in itself is a massive phwoaarr. I am proud to be with him, he adores me and treats me better than any man ever has. Shame it took me so long to find someone like him! I was always attracted to alpha male types, the qualities that made them attractive to me are the same qualities that tend to make them utter wankers, so I learned to look away from those guys. I met a few online, they were good fun but not relationship material.

Don’t overthink it. Enjoy him, enjoy creating a deeper intimacy and depth of feeling and let it go where it wants to go.

Try not to look for problems where there are none. If you should feel differently in the future, then you can worry about it then.

It’s kind of clean fresh sweat smell and also if I’m honest when it’s on the borderline to BO too … I just love it. Which I think is pheromones.

In general though he’s the least smelly man I’ve ever been with. Never farts, fresh down below - very different to my exH 😂

@HaggisBurger He probably has healthy gut flora. Our diet. general health and hormones affect all this stuff :)

Objectively, my DH (50) isn’t my type, but there’s always been something about him that works for me physically. If I saw him at a bar, I wouldn’t go phoar, but like PP’s, it’s his smell and just something.

To be brutally honest, everyove’s p

Physical attractiveness is declining in their 50’s, even the very attractive people. So I wouldn’t get too hung up on it.

For me - to be properly attracted to a person - I need to find his mind ‘attractive’. Need to be able to have good engaging conversations; be curious to find out more about them; find then interesting; be able to have a laugh.
Of course - when an Australian firefighter calendar pops up somewhere - there can be a flash of phwoar, momentarily in my brain.
But in real life - I know that it’s not what makes a man attractive to me, and certainly - not what makes him a relationship material.

As to ‘types’ - I think the only issue here is that you decided that there is one type of men you CAN find attractive.
Otherwise - you described a guy with a great potential. You like him. You like spending time with him. You have good sex. Vs
You are worried that one day you notice that he is shorter? not-ripped? bold? wrong-hair-coloured? - and stop having good sex with him?

I think as relationships develop - the more superficial attributes become less important/visible to us. We don’t build relationship with the six pack - it’s with the person. And eventually the muscle age and sag; hair falls out. Height stays (lol) but I do think you don’t fixate on it over time… etc

Good luck to you. Try to not overthink and enjoy your life in general. And enjoy seeing this relationship develop.

Last thought - even if he DID look exactly your type - it won’t be a guarantee that you are meant to go the distance. It’s not how relationships work.
So - you’ll only find out where this path leads by walking it.

The things that make me go phowar these days are someone who can make me laugh, especially when things are not going well at all.

Who sets the dish washer going when it needs it, who puts things away in their place.

Who makes life better just by being around. Who is a responsible adult who could live alone very well but who chooses instead to live with me.

Thens the things that last. I have had relationships with men who thought they were gods gift to women. Their appeal very quickly lost its shine.

Ask yourself what is really important.

Oh my! Please everyone stop saying that 50 is old!! I'm nearly divorced from my husband who I never really felt fwarr about... and I think that's why it didn't work in the end. He was good in many ways/I was looking for stability. Now I'm with someone who is divorced and....fwaarr... it's brilliant. He's probably not drop-dead gorgeous to most, but to me is is gorgeous (and funny/ kind/sexy). What a difference! Of course you can still think 'fwarr' in your 50s!!

I’m the male version of you, I dated a little bit recently, none if the women have been stunningly attractive, but all have been nice and pleasant and happy (mostly), and I think that counts for a lot