need advice about my new man

[datingdilema1]

I've been with my new man for 4 months. I've been a single mum for around 2 years now and have 2 children who are 5 and 9.
My new man is honestly the kindest guy I've ever met and most loving. He showers me with compliments constantly and is very affectionate. He is keen to meet my kids. Examples of his kindness include being v helpful in my house and fixing some things, cooking for me, being very available and reliable, giving me small gifts and always asking how I am etc. He also looked after my pet for me when I was away and lent me his car when mine broke down.
My situation is that I don't have much money but I'm on 50k and have a mortgage and some financial help from ex £100-300 a month. Because of cost of living this covers me, the kids and I have some money to go out, book cheap trips, but that's it.
Now my new man is very sweet and generous, but he lives in a council house, has his own business which doesn't make much money atm and is on income support.
He pays very small maintenance for his kids, but seems happy in his situation mainly.
He used to have a difficult past and is turning his life around for last 3-4 years it seems, looking after himself and building his life.
What it means though is that when I plan trips, I've already been slightly subsidising him, which I'm worried will drag me down financially long term... Also I feel that he would be happy to live with me long term, but how would this work.. Even if his business gets better, he doesn't seem to think that it would bring him much. He doesn't want to go back to his previous work, as I think he enjoys working for himself and what he does. He lacks confidence in trying to expand his business or try to increase his profits.
Second dilemma is about our differences in political beliefs and general knowledge. He says himself that he just was never curious about current affairs so his knowledge is based on what he hears from his family, who take their knowledge from the Sun. They are all very sweet people, but that means things like 'Britain is full', 'jobs should be kept for people in the uk' etc. This is problematic for me as I have a diverse background and take these kind of beliefs to heart as a personal insult almost. When we talk about this he feels guilty for not educating himself more in the past. But then I really went into dating thinking that I'm not going to get myself a project as I've done it before with my ex where I helped him and taught him loads and was left with not much.
Sex is fine, but also there was some ED from time to time, but seems to be improving.

We are both 40 something. Is it normal to have doubts? I feel that I love him and maybe just need to keep getting to know him. We've had lots of fun together with really fun activities, some of them initiated by him, but a lot of them initiated and paid by me, although he pays for drinks etc. He also takes me out for cheaper things which I guess is fair enough as there is a difference in income, but I'm also aware I'm spending money I should be perhaps saving in my situation. I'm also aware my ex used me financially so don't want to repeat the pattern..

He is a loser and has managed to catch your eye and yu seem to be sane and sorted so he is love bombing you. Youll start resenting him, as youll end up paying for everything. IS he spending time with his kids? Why isnt he putting in more effort in his business? Dump him, find someone better.

^^^ All of this

4 months is nothing.

Don't move in with him unless you want to subsidise him - he won’t get any benefits if he lives with you and you’ll be paying for everything.

This is an excellent point. He is not a future role model for your DCs.

You have achieved much more and have more interesting and intelligent aspirations.

Why would you have this ignorant, racist, work shy loser under the same roof as your DCs.

Also OP I think it’s important for you to reflect (not criticising you here or asking for you to defend or justify etc) why you were economical with the truth - that he is an alcoholic - why did you skip this crucial detail when you were explaining who he was?

Are you in denial?

Wishful thinking?

This is important for your boundaries and objective perspective. Ask yourself why you did this.

“I don’t actually know what benefits he is on, but he gets something as it was mentioned and he said it was due to low income. Might not be income support but the details are not important.
his philosophy of life is that we don’t know what’s around the corner, he will just have to survive, he is quite content and there is more to life than money. “

if this was a friend, sure, the details aren’t important.

But with someone you’re considering as a serious relationship? The best case scenario here is that he’s choosing to make less than minimum wage because he can get top up benefits instead.

That to me honestly would be an issue, not the financials - there’s nothing at all wrong with a minimum wage job, but to choose to make less than that? Especially with kids....

I’m thinking what is there if I strip off all the compliments, affection and seducing me with things and some actions.
thats a very good analysis and as a pp said this may change 180 degrees when he moves in.

Hiya, there is a bit of me wondering is he an alcoholic but also I’m aware I’ve given a lot of personal details on an internet forum.
in case being a role model though, can think mine would like that he is kind and I know he would give them a lot of attention that they crave as their dad has v little time for them. He is v sporty and played sports with his son and I know that he would be involved. He says he misses family life and takes his kids out when they want to do to do activities or play sports together. So there are definietely positives there.
I think he regrets the little Britain comment and don’t think that he is racist and my racist radar is extremely strong trust me, just a bit ignorant which is also very poor I’m not underestimating that.
but in terms of being a role model- he is kind to everyone, not just me but his family, neighbours, homeless, people we see out and about. He is also very caring and thoughtful to everyone and generous also to others so these are all great qualities. and very skilled so again my kids would have a lot to learn from him. But I can see that my kids have much more confidence than anyone in his family.
i feel sorry for him in many ways and feel people deserve second chances in life especially I do think he is working hard but lacks the drive like a lot of people said ok here. And I do have codependent tendencies so that’s were we are 😩

How ignorant and entitled of him to assume you will educate him!

yeah very stupid and a red flag.

I totally agree, like I would never have an option to stop working for a while, even if I had dark times or losses there wasn’t an option for me to start drinking, Covid or no Covid, deaths, discriminations at work, accidents I’ve worked all my life and there isn’t another option. It annoys me in a way how some people are just allowed to abandon their responsibilities when I’m under so much pressure

there is a bit of me wondering is he an alcoholic

huge red flag.

i feel sorry for him in many ways

And there we have it.

😫😩😔😣

The thing is

He’s not supported his children financially, he’s not supported himself financially - he’s left that for someone else to do (his ex, the benefits system)

He’s there for the fun spending time with people stuff - because life is too short to worry about money.

So in a longterm relationship, who’d be doing the work, the stress, the worrying? It’s going to be you...

That’s what would bother me about his income and benefits situation, it kind of implies that you’d not be getting a partner, but an extra responsibility.

Not because he’s on benefits, but because he’s on them through nothing but his own choice.

You’re totally right and I think he would reply that it’s not been his choice and that he is trying hard and has a bit of an external locus of control so to speak which is part of his problem.

Before my DH I was engaged to a man who I'd had a 3 year relationship with. I was in my late 20s, had my own home, a nice car, a great career and savings in the bank.

He was mid-30s, living with his parents after splitting from his wife. A wanna be rockstar who had his own buisness teaching guitar lessons which didn't make him much money. He moved in with me and said he was going to find an extra job to earn more money and we argeed on a fair contribution to the bills etc. I think he gave me money twice. He quit 4 different jobs within a year of living with me, one of them after just 2 days because "it was too hard". One job because he didn't like the bosses attitude and other because "it wasn't really interesting him" "wasn't really what he wanted to do in life". He'd spend a full day putting elaborate buisness plans together for new business ideas that would never materialise.

He was a nice guy and we had loads of fun together. I found his free-spirit and stress free attitude attractive at first probably because sometimes I wish I wasn't so uptight and sensible. But it wore thin pretty quickly when I was the only one working to put a roof over our heads and paying for everything. I had to give him money to put fuel in his car and took a phone contract out for him as I was constantly topping that up too and he couldn't get his own contract due to poor credit.

My DH is the complete opposite. He didn't have a great start in life, abandoned by his bio mum, adopted by his grandparents who died when he was young and he ended up homeless at 15. He left school at 15 and immediately started an apprenticeship. He's now qualified in 2 trades because he wanted a backup in case work dried up for one trade. He'll turn his hand to anything and take on additional jobs to make money. He's a true grafter. He wants to give his kids the life he didn't have and he wants us to have the best lifestyle possible.

I feel like I have a proper life partner now. Someone with the same drive and ambition as I do. Working towards the same goals. This is how relationships should be. Not one person dragging the other along for the ride while they contribute very little and drag the other person down.

You sound like an intelligent, sensible woman, who's very capable of looking after herself. Find someone who adds to your life. You have kids to look after, you don't need a manchild thrown into the mix. You deserve better and there are plenty of decent men out there.

Us fixers tend to have low self esteem and fixing someone gives us a boost and makes us feel needed. Take some time to build yourself up without a man, learn your own worth. I was single throughout lockdown and it forced me to do things on my own, including mountain climbing and wild camping. I also did a lot of charity work which made me more grateful for what I had. I made me appreciate that actually I was ok on my own, I could create my own happiness so any man coming into my life would have to add to that happiness rather than add to my problems.

I wouldn't even suggest slowing things down, just bite the bullet and end it. If you continue to see him you'll end up falling for him more and it'll be harder to walk away. I guarantee he'll have moved in by the end of the year.

Well first of all I don't think it's a good idea to let a person too close that doesn't share the same values as you. As it seems his political attitude bothers you enough and I don't know if he's openminded enough so you can have productive conversations about this. I mean you could try of course. If you do try but nothing changes then you know what to do. As for the job, if he wants indeed to achieve something and he's actually trying then you could support him all the way but if he's just talking and putting 0 effort in it then it's just to make himself look good in front of you.
P.S Small maintenance for his kids? He should be fully invested in his kids! So watch out on this part.

Your DH is such an inspiration!!!
and your previous one sounds like a combination of my ex and my current situation 😬
thank You for all the advice really appreciated x

I think he would reply that it’s not been his choice and that he is trying hard and has a bit of an external locus of control so to speak which is part of his problem.

Of course it’s his choice.

This sounds like avoiding any responsibility or accountability for his actions.

But he seems cunning enough to have secured a council property, dabble in a part time vanity business, claim benefits and not financially support his kids sufficiently…..and then target you and your assets - he doesn’t seem to have to do too much - a few compliments here and there.

His history will tell you who and what he is by his choices and actions.

Of course he’s an alcoholic.

People are alcoholics for life emotionally and physically even if they never pick up another drink.

His addiction (don’t know if it’s just alcohol) has wrecked his children’s childhoods, job prospects, financial stability. He didn’t leave those jobs because he didn’t get on with people because of low self esteem but because he was unreliable.

The mindset of any addict is selfish, manipulative and a victim. Watch out for those traits.

When starting any new relationship, the first thing I'd suggest is you google his name (also his name + 'convicted'); and then ask the police to check him using Clare's Law and Sarah's Law.

Jesus wept!

i hope this is tongue in cheek.

Is he exceptionally good in the sack op @datingdilema1 ? And you're craving some sort of physical fulfilment?? Why would you want someone who clearly has different world views to you as your "partner" ??

@Laurdo great post.

OP, don't bring him near your children or home.

Dump him and get counselling.

Address your self esteem issues, your need to fix losers, your choice to be with someone you feel sorry for.

Kindly meant, but your children deserve better than you taking on men that are projects.

You need to protect them and your from your inclination to fix!

I also feel like this that people deserve a second chance

And those people who need a second chance are you and your DCs as all of you have already suffered. Do nothing to compromise or take the focus off rebuilding this first and only when it is emotionally rock solid consider engaging with someone who is stable, strong and secure who shares your values and aspirations. They should only ever be the icing on the cake - the cake is you and your DCs doing great on your own and only someone exceptional deserves to be considered to join that. You have too much to preserve.

People (some anyway) deserve a second chance but not if it could compromise your and your children's lives.