need advice about my new man

[datingdilema1]

I've been with my new man for 4 months. I've been a single mum for around 2 years now and have 2 children who are 5 and 9.
My new man is honestly the kindest guy I've ever met and most loving. He showers me with compliments constantly and is very affectionate. He is keen to meet my kids. Examples of his kindness include being v helpful in my house and fixing some things, cooking for me, being very available and reliable, giving me small gifts and always asking how I am etc. He also looked after my pet for me when I was away and lent me his car when mine broke down.
My situation is that I don't have much money but I'm on 50k and have a mortgage and some financial help from ex £100-300 a month. Because of cost of living this covers me, the kids and I have some money to go out, book cheap trips, but that's it.
Now my new man is very sweet and generous, but he lives in a council house, has his own business which doesn't make much money atm and is on income support.
He pays very small maintenance for his kids, but seems happy in his situation mainly.
He used to have a difficult past and is turning his life around for last 3-4 years it seems, looking after himself and building his life.
What it means though is that when I plan trips, I've already been slightly subsidising him, which I'm worried will drag me down financially long term... Also I feel that he would be happy to live with me long term, but how would this work.. Even if his business gets better, he doesn't seem to think that it would bring him much. He doesn't want to go back to his previous work, as I think he enjoys working for himself and what he does. He lacks confidence in trying to expand his business or try to increase his profits.
Second dilemma is about our differences in political beliefs and general knowledge. He says himself that he just was never curious about current affairs so his knowledge is based on what he hears from his family, who take their knowledge from the Sun. They are all very sweet people, but that means things like 'Britain is full', 'jobs should be kept for people in the uk' etc. This is problematic for me as I have a diverse background and take these kind of beliefs to heart as a personal insult almost. When we talk about this he feels guilty for not educating himself more in the past. But then I really went into dating thinking that I'm not going to get myself a project as I've done it before with my ex where I helped him and taught him loads and was left with not much.
Sex is fine, but also there was some ED from time to time, but seems to be improving.

We are both 40 something. Is it normal to have doubts? I feel that I love him and maybe just need to keep getting to know him. We've had lots of fun together with really fun activities, some of them initiated by him, but a lot of them initiated and paid by me, although he pays for drinks etc. He also takes me out for cheaper things which I guess is fair enough as there is a difference in income, but I'm also aware I'm spending money I should be perhaps saving in my situation. I'm also aware my ex used me financially so don't want to repeat the pattern..

Thanks for this. That’s a very kind response. I also feel like this that people deserve a second chance and I did OLD for 6 months and he was the only one who wanted to build something.
I have suggested a few things regarding work and he is keen to do them but then can also see he lacks confidence.
i also feel that he adds value in other ways and has a lot of skills that I already benefitted from, but no financial assets at all. Also seems fairly happy in his situation whereas I’d be under so much pressure to provide for my kids etc.

Tell him you have a no living together until your youngest is 18 rule. See how keen he is then. But seriously, don't let him move in.

His family probably want to see him settled and secure and you would appear to be a dream meal-ticket for him don't you think?
You come across as sensible, hard-working. generous and outgoing with your own house/security. His family want that for him.

At his age he should be totally self sufficient with a bit of get-up-and-go And you shouldn't have to 'coach' him in bed!!!

thats the way to go isn’t it

Please please don't let him move in with you or bring him into your kids lives.

I was with someone in almost exactly the same and it very quickly turned into an emotional and financially abusive relationship.

The difference in values and culture soon became me being condescending and a snob and was used to tie me in knots and taunt me (him being overly offensive to test and goad me).
The red flags were all there but I got caught up in his traumatic backstory and the love bombing and became reliant on him because he made it that way.
It's the biggest regret of my life and I face the impact almost every day.
I'd say listen to your doubts and discuss everything with people that know and love you that you trust and listen to their opinions on him.
If it isn't anything sinister then hopefully naturally and with time you'll see it without having to make any commitments. X

Thank you for sharing. This must have been really hard. How many months before it turned like that?
its hard to keep boundaries when someone is so nice isn’t it
as women I think we are taught to give and fix…
of this whole chat is giving me a lot to think, so hard. I think he’d be really heartbroken if I broke up with him but then I’d be as well possibly, although I’ve got more sense I think 😫

The fact he treats you well does not make up for your incompatibilities.

Used to have a difficult past ?
I very much doubt it will ever change , the past is the past like innit

I’d be questioning how he qualifies for income support tbh.

But mostly - it’s a huge red flag that he’s so involved so quickly and wanting to meet your kids.

and if he moved in he’d lose his benefits because your income would be taken in to account too.

I could not be in a relationship with someone so completely different from me, my life, and my beliefs.
I think that this would all matter a lot in the long run.
I don't think he's the one for you.

It was about 8 months I'd say but it was slow drip, and classic love bomb pattern of me living for the massive highs and good times, we lived quite a distance from each other which sort of made things happen faster than they should (like him meeting my kids) and then deciding he was giving up his rented accommodation to live with me, it was massive pressure and it also appealed to me because he was like a very alpha man taking charge and doing DIY and saying how by saving his rent money we could go on holiday and give kids a great Christmas etc.
The really nasty stuff began as soon as he had moved in, this isn't the bad stuff but one example was laughing and belittling me for my beliefs and the way I parented (no yes in bedrooms for example) and I'd question myself but then be like no I'm an intelligent person.

I started to find loads of things that didn't add up and realised he'd lied about so much.

I can totally understand still now why he was the way he was but it took my friend to make me see how seriously fucked up things were.
I nearly went back a few times.
No one is all good or bad but I'd just say go slow and protect your independence.

For me I wouldn’t want to date someone who had a low income and weren’t doing anything to improve it or change jobs. That’s not because I’m rich or a snob, I’ve been on benefits myself as a teenage mum, but I’m now on 60k and want to progress further in my career. So for me dating someone who wasn’t keen to earn more money would be an ick / turn off

Current affairs / politics - I was thinking about this last weekend when thinking about OLD as I do want someone who can have an intellectual conversation and I’m very interested in politics. Not a chance I could date someone with the views of his family.

So he wouldn’t be for me and it sounds like you’re having very similar thoughts

You can definitely do better.

I wouldn't waste time soldiering on in the hope it will get any better. 4 months is an ideal time to know whether things will work out and by now you should already be convinced that things are heading in a positive direction.

lack of interest in politics is one thing, but not having any knowledge of world affairs and the ability to conduct a reasonably intelligent conversation that doesn't descend into Daily Fail lazy generalisations is difficult to get past.

the longer you stay with this person, the less time you have to find someone compatible with your values and interests. You'll wish you took decisive action sooner.

Don't whatever you do stay with him because he'd be heart-broken if you split up! Shame but he'll get over it, honestly. You can do it kindly but firmly. Just say you've been thinking about things, it's been nice knowing you but you don't see you being together long-term so it's time to move forward (but not together).

Wanna be cocklodger. You will regret him moving in. He sounds like he's love bombing you to gain access to a rent-free existence. He sounds like a lazy sod too. Why isn't he working. Can't not work just because he doesn't want to work for someone, especially as his business is clearly crap. Red flags all over this one. Dump. Block and run.

What’s his difficult past?

Im guessing something like drink or drugs. Would explain a few things - ED, ‘doing his own business’ because he is unemployable / unable to work with others. The past (?) ‘laddish’ culture. Parents keen to offload him.

Also the racist shit was just him assuming / checking out if you were on the same page as him - because make no mistake that’s who he is - gross and pathetic at the age of 40 + to gaslight you that his ingrained racist politics is someone else’s fault (parents/lad culture) and whoops he is just a hapless fool.

If he had a good relationship with his young adult DC they would be in contact frequently.

There is nothing attractive here - he’s a slimy loser with a dark past and murky present who is love bombing you on his way to being a cocklodger.

Your DC don’t need the drain of this character in their lives.

Whats his relationship history?

All the energy this bloke is taking up!!! You've got small children, surely you don't have time for a project. Don't they deserve a more inspirational role model? He's an ignorant racist. I can't think of anything more unattractive. No matter how he excuses his views. He is definitely a wannabe cocklodger.

I think you must have been very lonely to be still seeing this man. Raise your bar, op. If not for you, then for your kids. I'm not sure what this murky past is that you allude to either.

I remember these tricky ones from OLD. Nice men, keen and enthusiastic but simply not on my wavelength. Some with far more money than me and more highly educated so nothing to do with me feeling superior. Certainly nothing to do with being in a council house as that would have been an amazing coup where I lived. I considered a few as partners reasoning that I wasn't getting anywhere and, I'm in my 30s and want children. However, I realised that lack of compatibility would grow bigger, not shrink and turn into resentment.

I honestly don't get the feeling that this man is your person. It's not that he's not loaded, it's that he doesn't have your grit or drive. It's not that he's not an expert on the topics that interest you, it's that he unthinkingly parrots quite bigoted views and doesn't seem like a very deep thinker or interested in the world. If he was, he would realise that if you have a diverse background then it would be insensitive to say those things in those ways.

I think you need an equal who, if he doesn't have much spare money, will suggest interesting free things to do, knows what he's doing in bed and isn't mentally rushing towards a cosy domestic set up where you're the one looking after him so he can carry on as he is.

By all means take things slowly and give this a full chance. But I predict that the nagging feeling that he isn't quite a match for you will increase. I would certainly shut down talk of moving in together with 'well, that would be a very long way down the line'. I know dating is hard and you want and are worthy of love but you've no need to settle here.

Almost every country is dealing with the problem of immigration. My advice to you is to study that issue together with your beau with fresh eyes. There really is some sense in not going too fast when it comes to letting people come into your country. YOU may think all people want the same things, but they may want very different things, such as promoting a certain religion that really doesn't mesh with your beliefs on key points.

The first problem isn't much of a problem. Try to live very frugally for several months and see if you can find the joy in it. I've been very low income for over twenty years and it has taught me a lot. I enjoy making my own clothes now, even sewed my own winter coat. You can be very creative together. Lots of things you may not even need. For instance, I just went through a time where I thought I'd have to fork out for a root canal. So, in the end, my body simply didn't want that tooth there; I wasn't healing from the first procedure and had to have the molar pulled. But guess what? It isn't so bad living without a molar.

If I were you, I'd try cutting out all entertainment and trips especially. I haven't travelled since 2008 and it's a great blessing. Most people are basically escaping from their lives instead of pursuing hobbies avidly. They are distracted by the internet. Most enjoyable things are really not that expensive. Have friends over and make pie. Get them to play a board game. Teach your 9 year old how to write a nice letter, do origami, write in cursive handwriting, do the experiments in a science kit etc..

See if you can put away some money so that you stop worrying about it. Then see if you can up your income in unique ways. For instance, perhaps your man would like cycling around collecting bottles. Perhaps you can have a yard sale or sell something your 9 year old sews. There are some cute purse patterns on youtube.

No, just no.

wouldn’t we all like to have a nice stress free job and cruise through life. We don’t, we fake confidence, we get in and just do it. If low earner, work more hours. Pay your way. no excuse when you don’t have childcare commitments.

I’ve worked 2,jobs for years so I can pay for my own gig tickets. Do not choose this for yourself.

Agree that 4 months is a milestone. It’s when we evaluate this stranger that has come into our life and reflect if this is potentially long term relationship material.

You have your VALID doubts about compatibility around YOUR basic core values in life. He isn’t measuring up your whole being knows this but his lovebombing and your own poor boundaries and naive optimism is clouding the facts.

Listen v v carefully to your gut.

You have done well to get yourself straight and just about afloat for your DCs - momentous achievement - don’t get entangled with this character he will pull you under - he is on the take and currently pretending that he is not the racist, lazy, manipulative, entitled loser that he is.

Now I'm thinking this has too many red flags 🤔 😳 😕 😅 😐 🙄

I bet he love bombed you when he found out how much you earn !

Does he know how much you earn ?

Don't move too quick, countless threads on here where people have & it's turned into a shit show.

I think that despite him being really nice and ticking a few boxes, because it's been only 4 months, you should reevaluate.

Some of these things would bother me. I think that you're right about taking things very very slowly. Set yourself some ground rules (obviously you don't need to tell him these):

1. Don't let him meet your DC until you're a lot more confident that it's going to be a long term thing.
2. Take him out to something expensive (concert or whatever) once every 2-3 months or less, and make sure that is the only time you subsidise him. Otherwise do cheap activities and both pay your share of everything (including little things like groceries). If this means you save a bit more - bonus!
3. Keep your finances separate and don't even think about moving in together until you've been together three years minimum.
4. If he says something offensive, tell him you feel offended and upset, don't try and pretend it's ok. If he keeps doing it, time to get rid.