need advice about my new man

[datingdilema1]

I've been with my new man for 4 months. I've been a single mum for around 2 years now and have 2 children who are 5 and 9.
My new man is honestly the kindest guy I've ever met and most loving. He showers me with compliments constantly and is very affectionate. He is keen to meet my kids. Examples of his kindness include being v helpful in my house and fixing some things, cooking for me, being very available and reliable, giving me small gifts and always asking how I am etc. He also looked after my pet for me when I was away and lent me his car when mine broke down.
My situation is that I don't have much money but I'm on 50k and have a mortgage and some financial help from ex £100-300 a month. Because of cost of living this covers me, the kids and I have some money to go out, book cheap trips, but that's it.
Now my new man is very sweet and generous, but he lives in a council house, has his own business which doesn't make much money atm and is on income support.
He pays very small maintenance for his kids, but seems happy in his situation mainly.
He used to have a difficult past and is turning his life around for last 3-4 years it seems, looking after himself and building his life.
What it means though is that when I plan trips, I've already been slightly subsidising him, which I'm worried will drag me down financially long term... Also I feel that he would be happy to live with me long term, but how would this work.. Even if his business gets better, he doesn't seem to think that it would bring him much. He doesn't want to go back to his previous work, as I think he enjoys working for himself and what he does. He lacks confidence in trying to expand his business or try to increase his profits.
Second dilemma is about our differences in political beliefs and general knowledge. He says himself that he just was never curious about current affairs so his knowledge is based on what he hears from his family, who take their knowledge from the Sun. They are all very sweet people, but that means things like 'Britain is full', 'jobs should be kept for people in the uk' etc. This is problematic for me as I have a diverse background and take these kind of beliefs to heart as a personal insult almost. When we talk about this he feels guilty for not educating himself more in the past. But then I really went into dating thinking that I'm not going to get myself a project as I've done it before with my ex where I helped him and taught him loads and was left with not much.
Sex is fine, but also there was some ED from time to time, but seems to be improving.

We are both 40 something. Is it normal to have doubts? I feel that I love him and maybe just need to keep getting to know him. We've had lots of fun together with really fun activities, some of them initiated by him, but a lot of them initiated and paid by me, although he pays for drinks etc. He also takes me out for cheaper things which I guess is fair enough as there is a difference in income, but I'm also aware I'm spending money I should be perhaps saving in my situation. I'm also aware my ex used me financially so don't want to repeat the pattern..

How is he getting income support whilst running a business? I thought there were only legacy claiments getting IS now. Is he declaring his business?

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your answers. They are all extremely helpful and giving me loads to think about.
ok so he doesn’t know how much I earn but could google it easily.
I think the advice about slowing down massively, doing cheap things and not extending myself in terms of paying is a must and focusing on me saving money and living frugally for a few months is also a must so I build some savings for myself rather than thinking about how to blow his mind and what shall we do. Me not having boundaries and being naive is valid.
i had an abusive childhood and need to be careful that I’m not repeating some patterns.
his past is that he grew up in a council estate, did well in school initially but then wanted to work and went off track, was in a very long term relationship and used to drink a lot. Sounds like lost jobs in the past due to not getting on with people and lack of confidence. His ex not worked or worked on and off.
he currently works in his business and seems to have a good work ethic when work comes in and gets excellent feedback for his work. It sounds like he puts in around 6 hrs a day. He has a lot of skills and people use him a lot and he struggles to say no as well. We have that in common although I became more assertive.

some of his skills mean that he could earn a decent salary but I think he is hoping that the business would take off. The issue is that he doesn’t put effort in the development of the business and has been content with his low income until he met me I think. He also spends time on doing things for the business that are not v fruitful eg supporting other peoples’ work but then it’s not my business and I want to stay out of it. it allows him to see his extended family, exercise and have time, so I agree nice, stress free living with no pressure to provide for his kids sounds like, opposite to my own life. however he has been helpful to me and has been making my life a bit less stressful through fixing stuff, cooking etc
I’ve met his kids and there is definitely love there from them but some resistance to want to spend more time with him.

I don’t actually know what benefits he is on, but he gets something as it was mentioned and he said it was due to low income. Might not be income support but the details are not important.
his philosophy of life is that we don’t know what’s around the corner, he will just have to survive, he is quite content and there is more to life than money. To which I’m like you’re not insured, you have no pension plans, no assets, will you be ok living in that house all your life and not leaving your kids anything when die, what if you get injured etc.
i have kept a bit of distance since reading the responses on here so will see how it all develops and how I feel. It’s really hard. There are times when sex is really good, I find him attractive and we have a really good time. He finds things I might like to do and works very hard to
please. I think he is a good guy but I need to have my head screwed on obviously 🤯😫😩
thanks again everyone for taking your time to respond to me 😘😘😘😘

That’s really awful. Some similar stuff here. My tells me that I’m very wise and know my stuff etc and kind of wants to learn from me but then it’s not my job to educate him is it either. So even if it wasn’t going to be turning abusive, it is still not the most attractive to be explaining what you consider basics eg the difference between different parties or different beliefs systems. He feels embarrassed though about not knowing and so far I have no evidence that he would be putting me down and he would be told bye of he did

Yep an alcoholic that has fucked his family, career and finances over for decades.

Seems he is just pottering along taking good care of himself (like he has always done) - and guess what’s round the corner - YOU!! With your assets that he hasn’t broken into a sweat to accumulate.

Note that sense that his DCs are probably ‘obligated’ to show up.

You sound co-dependants and over involved / over invested in his flimsy business - wanting to make it better. Watch that urge of yours. That’s never going to happen.

He sounds like a ‘project’ that will never / has never got off the ground. Revert your emotional energies back to your own self development needs. I would invest in some therapy for yourself rather than treating / this character’s social life.

You don’t share the same core values, drive and outlook.

Is he teetotal?

I'm sorry I was projecting a bit, you sound lovely and have your head screwed on.
The flip side is it might just be something brilliant so I wish you all the luck.

Thread after thread about otherwise sorted women who take on project men. Never ends well for the women.

Or more importantly for the poor kids - who’s childhood emotional development is compromised as the mother is preoccupied, distracted and drained giving her precious and finite time, headspace and emotional energy to ‘the project’.

You can’t be in two emotional places at once - chose the DCs!

What a bizarre post. You think the OP should be copying her ‘beau’ by parroting kneejerk racism from a bottom-feeding tabloid, your body rejects a bad tooth on the grounds of frugality, you think the OP should have a yard sale of ‘cute purses’ sewn by her nine year old from YouTube videos and that her boyfriend might want to up his income by ‘cycling around collecting bottles’?

OP, you’re four months in with a man who has no interest in the world around him, copies his repellent politics from his family, runs a barely solvent business he has no interest in or ability to turn round, doesn’t contribute financially in any substantial way to his own children, is not great in bed, needs to be subsidised, and to be ‘coached’ on sex, politics, and the world at large?

You said you didn’t want a project, but this man is the equivalent of buying a structurally-unsound doer-upper with a front garden full of dandelions and a sofa.

Hello, thanks and all valid concerns. He has been teetotal for 3.5 yrs and has made a lot of positive changes. I think he feels embarrassed about his past and is full of regret and remorse.
he knows his problems are for him to fix but you’re totally right about me having the urge to fix, make it all better, get involved etc. When I really need to focus on my own self development and my kids , which I am doing but my work has suffered since meeting him and I have been spending a fortune on babysitting and clothes, maybe not thinking does the situation really deserve me putting myself in this kind of situation.

Oh, OP, you’ve worked really hard. Don’t risk throwing that all away by letting your work suffer because of this relationship.

You’ve been really helpful and I’m really grateful for you sharing your experience. I need to hear this as my head can get wobbly quite quickly 😂 i do have reservations and there are risks just like on your situation. How are you now that you’re out of it? Have you met someone more decent? I guess one of my worries is that I’ve dated for 6 m and the rest was even worse… I got ghosted, men who were after casual sex only, or they were still in love with ex, poor personal hygiene, not attractive, no chemistry… he was the only one really who was so keen and actually reliable and attractive and made some effort with me and actually he was the most generous despite some of the others being on proper salaries. Aargh 😫😩

There is a book ‘women who love too much’ which I think all of us should read. I did but I’m still here anyway 😫😩

All very valid points, thank you

You love him after 4 months?? Give your head a wobble.

This is a high risk dynamic with your tendencies (I have the same) - so resist that urge to fix him and focus on yourself.

As an alcoholic (albeit currently not drinking) he will likely be carrying a lot of unresolved emotional baggage unless he has invested in a lot of personal therapy.

He has a way of coping / surviving right now which seems very finely balanced. He will never be able upscale his business or educate himself. What’s grating on you now will likely become deep resentments and frustrations.

You and your DCs deserve much better than this washed up, racist, ignorant, lazy, penniless self serving loser.

Sorry but I have seen this dynamic played out time and time and time again - down to the parents (and kids) delighted to palm off their problematic relative to an innocent, naive, wide eyed financially solvent woman.

thanks For your response and I do agree it would be good to live frugally. I think immigration is such an emotive topic, like I said I have a diverse background though so my views are not going to change. I’m also well travelled so really would need to be with someone compatible who looks at the world from a perspective of how this world became the way how it is, how these inequalities were generated that some people want to come to the uk and what role uk played in it, rather than looking from uk’s perspective. But then I never had to worry about being homeless or not not having enough money so I also understand how these beliefs develop if someone comes from a deprived background. However then it goes back to compatibility doesn’t it unless you love someone so much that u want to put hard work into learning about each other I guess. So his stance was he wants to learn from me but part of me is thinking, well that’s not really sexy and more I read comments on here, more I’m thinking what is there if I strip off all the compliments, affection and seducing me with things and some actions. It’s really hard though as despite being in my 40s I don’t really know what I should be expecting and what is a normal relationship. Can’t look into my childhood for guidance or my past and when I think about my friends then most are with such lousy men then even my ex was better 🤦‍♀️😫
i am going to stop spending on him and try and live more frugally though. And focus on myself more.

See how it goes.

Just don’t live with him.

And in case you missed that….

JUST DON’T LIVE WITH HIM!

😂😂😂yep, that is clear, thanks ☺️

Yes it’s important to look beyond the trimmings / wrapping / mask to see what’s really underneath - that’s very sensible - but once you see it be very careful not to sleep walk any deeper into this.

How ignorant and entitled of him to assume you will educate him!

You are young, you have young DCs who’s childhood has already been disrupted once - you are better off managing them alone than bringing any risk, dissatisfaction or stress to your / their young lives.

OLD is a swamp - you have only done 6 months - and fallen for this one in desperation. I wonder if you met him on your first OLD would you have been so keen.

Don’t let your standards be eroded. You all deserve better.

You know in your gut he is not meeting your standards or expectations - don’t dismiss yourself at this point.

Thanks. Very wise words. Have you done much OLD and met someone decent? Is there hope? 😂

He's not exactly a catch is he...chuck him back in the sea

OP,

You sound lovely and hard working but you are not listening to your gut that is trying to warn you.

4 months in?

He's another project who sees you as a great prospect.

Dying to be involved with your children 🙄when he barely sees his own and has left his ex largely rear and pay for them.

He's a lazy loser who sees you as a great future project.

You, your home and how hard you work.

You may be lonely but this guy is just another person for you to fix, pay for and carry.

You know it.

Of course you love how he adores you.

He's love bombing you.

Be honest with yourself and listen to your gut.

Move on and keep him the hell away from your children.

More in his line to be getting extra work to pay for the children he has.

I bet his ex has some opinion of him🙄.

Lazy loser.

Sorry but no, in reality you are incompatible and the niggles now would cause conflict over time. Also as others have said, he is keen to benefit from your more comfortable lifestyle and sounds lazy and workshy. Too many red flags here, you can do so much better!

I think it's a better investment for you to coach and teach your children about the wonder of diversity and the interest of politics and how to treat people in relationships and be an ambitious person who adds to the world.. because this guy hasn't had that and won't bring anything to the table for your kids with that. He's not your responsibility and you've got enough - and you'll see the rewards from your own children as they grow and learn and become fantastic people.

The right person will come along.. but they won't find you if you're already taken by the wrong person.

He sees you as a great future PROSPECT.

He's not totally stupid.

He has the cunning of someone who sees a cushy future moved in with you, living comfortably off you.

Dump.