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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m so hurt about DH & my birthday

75 replies

SapphireSunday · 11/04/2023 16:29

Not sure if I need to get some perspective or not but here we go. This weekend was a milestone birthday for me. For DHs same birthday a few years ago I went all out, planned a city break, arranged excursions, also arranged a night out with friends, decorated the house, cake and moonpig card. Tried to make him feel really special.

Now things are different in that we have a baby so I booked a pre birthday weekend away a week ago so it would be cheaper as not in the school holidays. DH paid but I organised it all, there were no meals or excursions organised or anything to make it feel ‘special’.

Fastforward to Saturday my actual birthday and there was just… nothing. Other than a card from him and one from DD but not special ones. No flowers or anything to unwrap (even small) from DD. House not decorated. I didn’t even get a kiss. Family came over which was nice but I’ve been thinking about how unloved I’ve been left feeling since the weekend and I just feel so small.

Should I just be grateful that we had our break away that i organised? Is there any point even mentioning it to him? I keep feeling so sad about all the effort and love I put into his birthday and how others do the same for their partners special birthday but I don’t want to sound like a brat. He clearly doesn’t think I’m worth that much does he?

OP posts:
Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 11/04/2023 16:34

His actions suggest that, yes. I’d be hurt too.

You’re going to get a load of posts criticising you for caring, and saying adults should have grown out of birthdays yady yady yada, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a little bit of care and thought from your partner on your birthday.

Is he thoughtless is other ways? And how would he react if you spoke to him?

gamerchick · 11/04/2023 16:37

Tell him. Tell him since he doesnt give a fuck there will be no more treating anyone but the kids for special days from now on.

perfectcolourfound · 11/04/2023 16:39

You should be able to talk freely with him about this.

He accepted lots of treats from you on his birthday, so he knows what you consider to be a good celebration of a special birthday. It sounds as though he's happy for you to make an effort but doesn't want to make one himself. Perhaps he thought that paying for the weekend away was his gift. And I can see that a weekend away is a generous birthday gift. The problem is you organised it all and he just wrote the cheque. So minimal effort.

I suspect he's like this in other areas of life? (otherwise I don't think this would have been so hurtful to you)

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2023 16:43

What’s he usually like with birthdays and occasions?

13Bastards · 11/04/2023 16:50

I would be hurt too. My ex husband was like this with any special occasions. One of the many reasons he's an ex.

You need to let him know how you feel

Xrays · 11/04/2023 16:51

I’m going to be called a sexist arsehole but I think men are terrible with birthdays generally. He will think you had a nice weekend away and he got you cards - he’ll probably think the weekend away was “the present”. I can pretty much guarantee he won’t even remember half the things you did for him on yours. Women like fancy stuff, they go to a lot of effort. In my experience men just don’t. Haven’t met or heard of one yet anyway in my 43 years!

80s · 11/04/2023 16:53

It's not brattish to say you would have liked more. But it's no good comparing it to what you did. He had no influence over that (unless of course he asked you to do any of those things).

What would his reaction have been if you'd done nothing for him, out of interest? Is he totally indifferent to birthdays?

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 11/04/2023 16:57

Xrays · 11/04/2023 16:51

I’m going to be called a sexist arsehole but I think men are terrible with birthdays generally. He will think you had a nice weekend away and he got you cards - he’ll probably think the weekend away was “the present”. I can pretty much guarantee he won’t even remember half the things you did for him on yours. Women like fancy stuff, they go to a lot of effort. In my experience men just don’t. Haven’t met or heard of one yet anyway in my 43 years!

There’s another thread running where a man does precisely fuck all for his poor wife, while he demands she make a ton of effort his his birthday.

RuthTopp · 11/04/2023 16:57

I would say something . Tell him you were expecting a little more effort . Be prepared for him to say he paid for the time away , to which you can say yes , the one I arranged likewise yours as well.

Turfwars · 11/04/2023 16:58

It depends.
Would he be genuinely pissed off if he had to organise his own birthday party and get only a card from you and DD? Or would he not give a shit?

If it's the former - yeah, get him told - and make sure that he gets equal effort for his birthday that he showed you. And if it's the latter then just drop the effort entirely and just make sure that you plan something nice for you because nobody else will!

TeenLifeMum · 11/04/2023 16:58

I’d be hurt. Dh made an effort this year even though I was ill, in deadline at work so really stressed, he made it work - takeaway, wine and a film night with birthday cheesecake (I’m not a fan of cake). He knew I wouldn’t have the energy to go out out. That was just a normal birthday. Next year, if I was you I’d plan to go away with friends.

Travelfan2021 · 11/04/2023 17:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/04/2023 17:01

You do need to tell him or it won't get any better. Tell him that you were so shocked to get an ordinary card for a significant birthday, no present and not even a kiss on the day. Spell it out in plain English. Don't wrap it up in cotton wool by saying "I was expecting a little more effort", instead say "I was really upset that you made so little effort". Tell him exactly how it felt.

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/04/2023 17:04

It's not about spending money on your weekend away as all he had to do was pay for that. It's the thought that counts in the way of how much effort he put in which was very little as all he did was get a card.

Hbh17 · 11/04/2023 17:05

You expect the house to be decorated on your birthday??! I've seen it all now. Yes, I do feel that adult birthdays aren't "a thing", but this level of expectation is new to me. Why on earth would anyone want such an embarassing amount of fuss? I just don't get it.

Seo5678 · 11/04/2023 17:07

I have this in my relationship too. Together 11 years and two young children. I’m so sorry that you’ve been so badly let down. I know from experience it’s an awful awful feeling. I also think birthdays etc are an opportunity for children to learn how to be caring/thoughtful in this way.
is he usually like this? My partner is pretty consistent in this, not just with me, but his close relatives too. It’s soul destroying- but he has autistic traits, and I know the only way forward is to explicitly explain what’s expected of him.

13Bastards · 11/04/2023 17:09

That's cool, you don't have to want or have that Hbh17 but the OP does, and I would hope I long term partner would know that. Let's not kick people when they are down hun?

13Bastards · 11/04/2023 17:09

Huh* not hunBlush

fuzzbearpenguin · 11/04/2023 17:10

Xrays · 11/04/2023 16:51

I’m going to be called a sexist arsehole but I think men are terrible with birthdays generally. He will think you had a nice weekend away and he got you cards - he’ll probably think the weekend away was “the present”. I can pretty much guarantee he won’t even remember half the things you did for him on yours. Women like fancy stuff, they go to a lot of effort. In my experience men just don’t. Haven’t met or heard of one yet anyway in my 43 years!

I disagree.

My DH is shit with other peoples birthdays because I enable his shit behaviour and I sort out all cards and presents. But for my birthday he goes out of his way to make me feel special.
A couple of years ago he baked my favourite cake (he's never baked I his life but he did it because he knew I'd appreciate the effort).
During lockdown he secretly arranged a video montage of messages from all my friends and family.
This year he booked for a meal at my favourite restaurant and tickets to a show he knew I wanted to see.
He does stuff that he knows I will appreciate that he's gone to the effort of doing.
Any DH who puts no effort in when the DW does put effort in on their birthdays is just a shit DH.

Travelfan2021 · 11/04/2023 17:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Seo5678 · 11/04/2023 17:11

Also, btw, my expectations are very low- just a card and a cup of tea in bed, any tiny gift. And I’m sure you wouldn’t be here complaining if had that either. I think people are being harsh to suggest it’s the lack of ‘the house being decorated’ that is the issue here. It’s the total lack of sentiment.

Wnikat · 11/04/2023 17:12

You got a weekend away, cards and a family party. That’s… quite a lot?

Ihaveawonderfulpartner · 11/04/2023 17:16

Not all men are awful. There's no excuse. It was my birthday on the weekend and I got up to banners with "birthday princess" on them. I had cards that he'd organised for the children to write. I had amazing presents including jewellery, shoes and tickets to a play. He made all the coffees through the day as it was "my day" and then organised a fab takeaway for our meal (usually he cooks but I wanted him to chill too). I felt thoroughly spoilt and had a lovely birthday. I'm always gutted when the women make so much effort and get F all in return. If he makes no fuss of you then I would assume he wants no fuss made of him. Simple.

Slimjimtobe · 11/04/2023 17:17

He probably thinks the weekend away was enough but I would be secretly hurt and one year got nothing and spent two hours driving around 😭 crying and feeling miserable

so now I don’t expect anything from anyone and don’t make a fuss (only for kids) and dh actually makes an effort now but I don’t care either way really

I just do my own thing and treat myself when I want. I suppose you just toughen up to these things

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 11/04/2023 17:19

Hbh17 · 11/04/2023 17:05

You expect the house to be decorated on your birthday??! I've seen it all now. Yes, I do feel that adult birthdays aren't "a thing", but this level of expectation is new to me. Why on earth would anyone want such an embarassing amount of fuss? I just don't get it.

I want a fucking carnival for my birthday. Banners, balloon, breakfast in bed, cake, the works.

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