I’m so hurt about DH & my birthday

[SapphireSunday]

Not sure if I need to get some perspective or not but here we go. This weekend was a milestone birthday for me. For DHs same birthday a few years ago I went all out, planned a city break, arranged excursions, also arranged a night out with friends, decorated the house, cake and moonpig card. Tried to make him feel really special.

Now things are different in that we have a baby so I booked a pre birthday weekend away a week ago so it would be cheaper as not in the school holidays. DH paid but I organised it all, there were no meals or excursions organised or anything to make it feel ‘special’.

Fastforward to Saturday my actual birthday and there was just… nothing. Other than a card from him and one from DD but not special ones. No flowers or anything to unwrap (even small) from DD. House not decorated. I didn’t even get a kiss. Family came over which was nice but I’ve been thinking about how unloved I’ve been left feeling since the weekend and I just feel so small.

Should I just be grateful that we had our break away that i organised? Is there any point even mentioning it to him? I keep feeling so sad about all the effort and love I put into his birthday and how others do the same for their partners special birthday but I don’t want to sound like a brat. He clearly doesn’t think I’m worth that much does he?

OP you’re not caring about materialistic things though. Your whole post is about the lack of thought and effort by him. If he talks about wanting to be together as a family and you being focused on material things, remind him of that. Make it absolutely clear that it’s about the effort and thought, nothing else.

Tell him that. Ask him why he thinks you don’t deserve to feel special and be appreciated. He is also setting a terrible example for your DC.

Just because you go over the top, it doesn’t mean others will for you.
I think you are expecting too much it’s just a Birthday, you already had your weekend away.

Others have said everything there is to say about your H. But something else - is it too late for you to still organize something together with friends?

A nice evening out in a restaurant say? Obviously without your other half.

OP you’re not caring about materialistic things though. Your whole post is about the lack of thought and effort by him.
Exactly. I do think this is hard to express, though, so it's a good idea if you prepare to get the wording right, OP. Or are you worried because he has a history of guilting you out or assuming the worst?

My dp does not get me big or original presents at all. (And hates a fuss himself.) But he always apologises for the lack of originality, and he talks about it being my birthday, and gives me some flowers, asks me where I want to eat or goes to the supermarket and surprises me with a steak, as he knows I love it. I arrange my own parties but he gets some nice wine, helps carry things, etc. - he's involved and shows he cares.

He’ll make you feel guilty because it suits him to force your expectations of care and thought from him down into the gutter. That way he never has to make any effort for you.

Putting in his card details after you’ve planned and arranged everything for your trip away, is pretty sad, but to then do the sum total of fuck all on your actual birthday, is truly shit.

Talk to him and if he’s a twat about it, like you expect he might be, then you can make a decision going forward. But don’t suppress your sadness. That helps no one. And you must not feel guilty for hoping your partner would show one scrap of giving a shit about you on any special day.

It's a man thing I'm afraid. It's women that organise birthdays Xmas etc . They would get married in s telephone box and just have a pint afterwards .

Well, you know exactly what to do for his next birthday, OP. Zilch.
And for yours, arrange a fab city break away by yourself or with friends, leave DH at home and tell him he’s on babysitting duty. If he complains, tell him you arranged your own celebration again as you knew he didn’t care and wouldn’t bother.

@SapphireSunday he is a fully grown adult who knows that milestone birthdays are usually celebrated and he chose not to bother for you.

That says quite a bit about how he feels.

In my marriage, my DH makes a ton of effort on my birthdays because he loves me and knows I enjoy fuss on that one special day. In return, I make an equal fuss over him on his birthday because I want to show him in his love language that he means the world to me too. I get anxious and dread it but I do it because he 100% deserves to feel special on his birthday like I do on mine.

There is no excuse to not make an effort. Being a man doesn't exempt him. It doesn't excuse him and his lack of attention is a sign he knows you don't expect much from him as he isn't giving much to you in the first place. You've come to expect feck all so he gives you just that.

I would put him on the spot and ask him why he thinks is was okay to ignore your milestone birthday? Make him tell you how he really feels. I bet it is along the lines of 'I didn't think you'd want a fuss' but if you ask him when you've ever said you didn't want to celebrate or how he would feel if you did the same, he wouldn't be able to justify himself.

Then ask him to sleep in the spare room for a few days while you evaluate how you want to be treated moving forward.

This is not okay. Not at all.

What's he usually like with occasions? Some people are just a bit useless with stuff like that. I usually just tell my DH what presents I want, what breakfast I want etc. I know it's not ideal but he needs guidance and I get what I want! If your DH is loving in other ways, I wouldn't worry too much. If he always makes you feel unloved then that's a problem.

OP
@StopMindlesslyScrolling and @AmandaHoldensLips have given great advice among others.

That you think he would guilt you is not good.

I think you have every right to feel very disappointed consideration the huge effort you went to.

A new baby, at the beginning of a life together, but you neither feel valued nor cared for.

He sounds lazy and that he would guilt you makes me think he may not be that great a prize.

I think you should sit and talk to him.

If he does guilt you, I would look at doing some counselling on your own.

Don't be rushing into more children with a man who doesn't cherish you.

Keep your job and protect yourself.

Your feeling so sad over this makes me think all is NOT well here and this isn't in isolation?

Well, I mentioned it. He could tell I was quiet and seemed down so I just said I was feeling really disappointed that he didn’t make any effort that day. He said there wasn’t anything for him to do because I’d planned it all myself. Yeah the weekend away I had but not the day itself. I compared it to his birthday and he got quite snarky with me and sarcastically apologised for ‘not getting me a balloon’. He ignored me for the rest of the evening, came up to bed at 1am and apologised. I’ve tried to be normal today but I feel so, so sad and hurt and his reaction has just made it worse. I just can’t shake this feeling that it’s really shone a light on the fact that he doesn’t actually value me that much at all. There’s been minor things in the past that have made me doubt our marriage but this feels big. I’ve been kind of hoping for a heartfelt apology, a cuddle or some kind of explanation all day but it’s not come it I can see it isn’t going to.

Ive only just turned 30, is this really all I’ve got to look forward to for the rest of my life?

Oh and when I say he apologised, I mean it was a mumbled ‘sorry you weren’t happy with your birthday’ while I was basically asleep.

That was a none apology.

Are you scared to upset him usually op? My H would be in no doubt here. And he wouldn't get to deflect it back to me.

Find your anger!

This is the crucial question! There seems to be a mismatch of expectations here. Fortunately my husband and I are both in the minimum of fuss camp.

Not upset him as such @SquishyGloopyBum but I do fear conflict in our marriage because it usually ends up with me getting the silent treatment until he’s over it which I find really hard to cope with. Ive tried to tackle this in the past but never got anywhere. I am angry. I want to show him I’m angry. But what will it achieve? It’s done, he can’t change it. He’s had 24 hours now to try and convince me I’m wrong and he’s currently sat downstairs watching TV, not trying. I’m not loved here it is clear as day 😣

He loved it all at the time, or he said he did anyway!

1am is never a good time for a discussion. (Or a non-apology.)

I would find a time to talk this out with him. Maybe tomorrow, after dinner, ask him "is now a good time to talk? not to argue, I mean talk, because I'm still feeling hurt, especially after your reaction last night."

Then sit down so he can't just walk off or stare at the wall or get all huffy.

And if he does any of those things, then you know you're married to a man-baby who can't handle an adult conversation.

Well you know what to get him now for his next birthday - one balloon.

If you can't ever raise anything and he won't ever learn from it (which is what a healthy relationship should be) then I think you need to question your marriage as a whole. Sorry op.

Sounds like my ex husband.

Luckily I have my DP now who is just beyond words amazing. Recently had my bday and it wasn't a milestone, and also having just purchased a home, we both were very very skint. He still took me out for the day (100 miles away), surprised me with lovely thoughtful gifts and made me a candlelit dinner.

Get yourself someone who actually cares about the things that make you feel special. Because that's how a relationship should be. If it's important to you then it should be important to him.

You're not compatible. That's all this is.

I'm so sorry OP, but he sounds awful.

His response to your upset is nastiness and giving you the silent treatment.

He actually sounds abusive.

I think you should contact Women's aid for a chat and support.

I think you realise that actually he's neither a good nor kind man.

I would be having a good long think about the type of future you want.

I think you deserve better than him.

I certainly wouldn't be having more children with him.

I would be reaching out to friends and family for support.

He controls you with nastiness and the silent treatment.

Those are not the actions of a kind and loving man.

I hope you work full time?

If not, get back to work asap.

You need to be financially independent of him.

I'm so sorry.

Have you considered marriage counselling? It might help you work out how to communicate better together. Mind you, it would probably be hard to persuade him to go to counselling using your current joint style of communication, so it's a bit of a vicious circle!

Does he know that the silent treatment is classed as domestic violence OP? It's abusive to do that to someone.

I'd probably have a good think about the future.

What a shame. You're right to be upset. He should have been more thoughtful. You arranging your own birthday celebration gave him an excuse to not make any effort for you

That reaction sounds just like the sort of thing my ex husband would have done.

I'm sorry OP, this isn't all you have to look forwards too, you're young, guess it's time to have a big chat with him and if he's not willing then it tells you all you need to know really