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Original poster

I’m so hurt about DH & my birthday

75 replies

SapphireSunday · 11/04/2023 16:29

Not sure if I need to get some perspective or not but here we go. This weekend was a milestone birthday for me. For DHs same birthday a few years ago I went all out, planned a city break, arranged excursions, also arranged a night out with friends, decorated the house, cake and moonpig card. Tried to make him feel really special.

Now things are different in that we have a baby so I booked a pre birthday weekend away a week ago so it would be cheaper as not in the school holidays. DH paid but I organised it all, there were no meals or excursions organised or anything to make it feel ‘special’.

Fastforward to Saturday my actual birthday and there was just… nothing. Other than a card from him and one from DD but not special ones. No flowers or anything to unwrap (even small) from DD. House not decorated. I didn’t even get a kiss. Family came over which was nice but I’ve been thinking about how unloved I’ve been left feeling since the weekend and I just feel so small.

Should I just be grateful that we had our break away that i organised? Is there any point even mentioning it to him? I keep feeling so sad about all the effort and love I put into his birthday and how others do the same for their partners special birthday but I don’t want to sound like a brat. He clearly doesn’t think I’m worth that much does he?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 11/04/2023 17:21

I would ask him:

"Is there a reason why you didn't get me a birthday present or make any effort for my 30th? Can you imagine how that made me feel?"

piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 17:26

Tell him just what you wrote in your OP.

You have to be able to communicate with him and tell him how you feel. See how he reacts.

Suprima · 11/04/2023 17:28

Wnikat · 11/04/2023 17:12

You got a weekend away, cards and a family party. That’s… quite a lot?

pretty embarrassing that you think bare minimum (and mainly self-organised bare minimum) is ‘a lot’

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 11/04/2023 17:30

When the baby is asleep, I'd sit him down calmly and ask him how the effort you made on his birthday made him feel.

Did the trip away make him happy?

Did he enjoy the excursions?

Did it make him feel loved that you had planned lots of things he would enjoy for his birthday?

Then ask how he thinks you feel about his contribution to your special birthday. What effort did he make other than purchasing a card?

And sit and wait to hear his explanation (if he has one).

Relationships fail if both people don't put equal amounts of effort in and make their partner feel loved and cherished.

On the see-saw of effort, the load you put in lifts him sky-high, but his card leaves him still sky-high and you still sat on the ground with your butt hardly above the dirt.

fuzzbearpenguin · 11/04/2023 17:33

AmandaHoldensLips · 11/04/2023 17:21

I would ask him:

"Is there a reason why you didn't get me a birthday present or make any effort for my 30th? Can you imagine how that made me feel?"

Exactly this. You don't need to have a go at him but he needs to understand that the complete lack of thought was upsetting to you.

DappledThings · 11/04/2023 17:38

Did he want all the fuss you went to?

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 11/04/2023 17:38

You're not unreasonable. Every family is different and if a fuss on a birthday is what your family does, you're right to be hurt. And even if it's not your husband's thing, he'd have to be totally oblivious to not realise that it's your thing and on the basis of caring about you, does something special. In our family we decorate and celebrate. Now in reality it's hanging a banner, blowing up a few balloons and then piling presents on the kitchen table the night before, a special breakfast and a birthday cake. If we didn't do it for someone the clear message we'd be sending is that we didn't care for them enough to make this small effort. It's not about balloons or banners, it's the showing of care and making someone feel special. Why would anyone pass up the opportunity to make a loved one feel special?

OhCobblers · 11/04/2023 17:43

I think he's been utterly shit and I would absolutely tell him.
He paid for the weekend you organised?! That was it.
Milestone birthday and he couldn't organise a dinner or a present for the day?
Balls to that - I'd have a bloody go about it. He knows he's done sod all and banking on the fact you won't say anything.
Prove him wrong and for gods sake you are not a brat to be disappointed in his utter lack of effort.

Kitcaterpillar · 11/04/2023 17:45

gamerchick · 11/04/2023 16:37

Tell him. Tell him since he doesnt give a fuck there will be no more treating anyone but the kids for special days from now on.

Why is this always the response? The OP (understandably) wants to be spoilt. Why settle for a shit, mediocre life for everyone.

BornBlonde · 11/04/2023 17:56

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 11/04/2023 17:30

When the baby is asleep, I'd sit him down calmly and ask him how the effort you made on his birthday made him feel.

Did the trip away make him happy?

Did he enjoy the excursions?

Did it make him feel loved that you had planned lots of things he would enjoy for his birthday?

Then ask how he thinks you feel about his contribution to your special birthday. What effort did he make other than purchasing a card?

And sit and wait to hear his explanation (if he has one).

Relationships fail if both people don't put equal amounts of effort in and make their partner feel loved and cherished.

On the see-saw of effort, the load you put in lifts him sky-high, but his card leaves him still sky-high and you still sat on the ground with your butt hardly above the dirt.

This from @StopMindlesslyScrolling

Worded really well

AmandaHoldensLips · 11/04/2023 18:00

(Zero birthday effort was a clear indication that my ex-husband was a selfish inconsiderate fuck.)

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2023 18:02

You need to tell him how hurt you feel. He should care about how you feel, if he doesn’t you need to know that and act accordingly.

cosmiccosmos · 11/04/2023 18:04

OP there are so many of these threads. The fact is he can't be bothered. I would simply be saying 'I'm so disappointed and feel very let down by your lack of care and effort however I understand that you probably don't value birthdays? If he says he's not bothered then you don't have to make any effort for his again, you can just treat yourself in yours. If he says he is, ask him why he didn't bother then. If he points to anything you did, tell him you did it all and agree to no more effort for birthdays. I hope you're not the birthday and Christmas fairy for him OP, if so tell him he needs to do that stuff.

ShowUs · 11/04/2023 18:25

I don’t think the house needed to be decorated or anything extreme but a simple box of chocolates would not have been difficult for him to pick up and I would be a bit disappointed.

I would definitely tell him how you feel else it will build resentment but then I’d let it go.

SunflowerTed · 11/04/2023 18:30

I’m not into extravagant gestures myself but he seems to have made minimum effort. I’d have a chat about your expectations. Happy birthday xx

whiteroseredrose · 11/04/2023 19:07

YANBU. DH had a habit of doing this.

I always made a fuss of birthdays with balloons, cake, a few presents and cards etc. Three times he didn't even buy a card because he was too busy, or because we were on holiday (an expensive one paid for with my inheritance). I always said I was upset, IWBU because he was busy.

So a couple of years ago I did nothing for his. Didn't remind the DC, no presents, just a plain card and a kiss from me. I said that I assumed birthdays weren't important to him as he never made any effort for me.

I now get cards and a gift plus a balloon.

Try it a few times. It might work for you.

alexdgr8 · 11/04/2023 19:13

in some ways, and i know this is a generalisation, but is my experience, women tend to be more childish about such things than men, wanting or expecting what one would do for a child.
i think men just don't care about it, so it doesn't occur to them that other adults might.
i mean no disrespect.

easterbuns1 · 11/04/2023 19:28

It's my birthday today too, we're on holiday with the children (in uk) and I didn't even get a happy birthday from my DP this morning let alone a card or gift. Kids have been so awkward we didn't end up going out at all today and it's just been shit all round. I used to make such a fuss for his birthdays but this year he just had card / present / gift as I stopped doing loads because it was so one sided and I resented the lack of effort on his part. I feel massively disappointed and not at all valued so I can understand how you are feeling OP.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2023 19:34

Hbh17 · 11/04/2023 17:05

You expect the house to be decorated on your birthday??! I've seen it all now. Yes, I do feel that adult birthdays aren't "a thing", but this level of expectation is new to me. Why on earth would anyone want such an embarassing amount of fuss? I just don't get it.

But it's not about you.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/04/2023 19:39

Me and my dh are the opposite, he makes a huge deal out of birthdays, valentines etc, where I have to make an effort to do these things. But because I know it means a lot to him, I have to force myself, and put stuff in the diary to remind me to sort things, because I know it means a lot to him, and I love him and want him to be happy.

That's what's missing op, he's taking you for granted and enjoying the spoils of you making an effort, and not bothering to do the same for you. In your shoes I'd be really upset that he was happy to leave me feeling upset and unloved. I'd tell him, speak to him and explain how let down you feel/

Original poster
SapphireSunday · 11/04/2023 20:13

Thank you for all the comments, it’s made me a little emotional that people don’t all think I’m being a massive baby about all this.

I normally get a card and a present on my birthday but he usually asks what I want and I give him a few ideas which has always been fine. This is the first significant birthday since we’ve been together. I guess to him paying for our trip was my present which I do understand. And we had a lovely time. But all the effort was made by me and the same on the day itself.

Some posters have hit the nail on the head saying it’s not about the decorations or the gifts themselves, I’d have been happy with a £5 bouquet of tulips or a bottle of my favourite plonk but it’s just the fact he didn’t make a scrap of effort to make any of it special. None.

I just feel like if I say something he will end up saying something like well I thought you would just want to be together as a family, you don’t care about materialistic things etc etc and I will come away feeling guilty.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 12/04/2023 08:23

I just feel like if I say something he will end up saying something like well I thought you would just want to be together as a family, you don’t care about materialistic things etc etc and I will come away feeling guilty.

So you are already feeling guilty about mentioning HIS lack of effort? This is on him, not you. However, some phrases that might help the conversation if he turns it around on you or starts sulking and being defensive...

"You know how I make an effort for your birthday to make you feel appreciated. It's a demonstration of how special you are to me. I was hoping you might think I deserve something similar."

"So what you're saying is that I shouldn't have any expectations for my birthday and that to do so would be unreasonable of me."

"I'm not trying to start an argument, I just want to be clear that I understand where you're coming from."

"I just wanted to check that I hadn't done something to piss you off to the extent that you decided not to get me a birthday gift."

"My birthday is on the same day every year. It shouldn't come as a surprise. You could have made time at some point in the weeks before to select a gift and maybe wrap it up and get me a nice card."

"Okay. So I now understand that birthdays aren't important to you. I shall remember that in future."

Channellingsophistication · 12/04/2023 08:33

I understand totally its just about the thought and effort made. My DP is the same. I had a milestone birthday a few years ago and we had a weekend away which he paid for very generously but I arranged it all. Had a card on birthday but no gifts to unwrap or cake so was disappointed about lack of effort. One year he went on holiday on my birthday…

i think men are often very thoughtless

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/04/2023 08:45

Hmmm...my dp is a bit like this. Not in an intentionally horrible way, but he has just never been made a fuss of so therefore doesn't do that for others. He will happily pay for whatever I want to do but the organising of whatever that is would be down to me as I am a planner and he just isn't. It doesn't occur to him.

During my marriage, my ex-husband would periodically surprise me with trips away for our anniversary, tickets to a gig, etc.
I went all out for his last big birthday - helped plan and pay for a party, booked a michelin star restaurant and a hotel stay after and a wine tasting bar (and paid for it all, which wasn't easy on my part-time wages). I found out shortly after that that he was having an affair, so all of those things have now been tainted for me.

If your dh knows you well enough though then he should have realised you would have liked to have felt a bit special on your actual birthday, and why shouldn't you. Even the most plan-averse of people should be able to manage a bunch of flowers and breakfast in bed. I think you need to let him know though so that you don't get a repeat on your next special birthday. He has no excuse then.

80s · 12/04/2023 08:54

"You know how I make an effort for your birthday to make you feel appreciated. It's a demonstration of how special you are to me. I was hoping you might think I deserve something similar."
I see where this is coming from, but at the same time, it could sound as if OP expected her dp to go to exactly the same lengths as her, which would not be fair. He didn't ask her to decorate the house for him, and she did it for him, not so that she would get the same thing back later on. I'd be very careful making this argument, as it could come across as pressuring him, or as if she deliberately set the stakes high to see if he could live up to her level of planning. If my partner surprised me with a weekend trip for my birthday, and then expressed dissatisfaction when he did not also get a surprise trip from me, I'd be rather pissed off.

OP is not complaining that he didn't go to the same effort; she's complaining that he didn't go to any effort, which is a far fairer complaint.

I also think she'd get a better response if she expresses this as being a bit sad, rather than being annoyed.