DH is so distant and I don’t know what to do

[Helloisitcheeseyourelookingfor]

Been married 4 years, together 10. One child together.
DH is a very hard worker at work, but incredibly lazy at home. As in he does nothing unless I go on and on but that’s a whole other issue. He has always been lazy at home and I naively thought it would change when we had a child.

We both work full time.

I’m starting to feel a bit down, and I’m wondering if it’s me. since we had our DC our sex life has gone massively downhill due to the shock of becoming parents and being extremely tired. I had a long recovery from birth and as I do most of the stuff around the house and work I’m just exhausted. I have said this and that I need help but nothing changes.

he doesn’t want to come out with me and DC as he finds walks to the countryside/farm/seaside boring, but also doesn’t fancy days out I suggest. He doesn’t suggest any. We haven’t got a lot of money and he’s only happy if we do grand things but we can’t do grand things all the time, especially as he is in debt.

When it’s his day off he wants to stay in all day, he doesn’t even always shower or get dressed. I asked him if he was depressed but he says no. He doesn’t communicate with me.

The last few months he just always looks miserable, when I walk in with DC he doesn’t even look my way. I always say something but he says nothing is wrong. I’ve asked so many times what is wrong, why do you look so grumpy, why are you ignoring me. He doesn’t say anything. He’s happy with DC and he is a loving and good dad but it’s hard to get anything out of him. He’s never been the best at communicating and always holds things very close to his chest.

I know he’s not cheating on me as he’s always here after work and doesn’t do anything else.

me asking him constantly probably isn’t helping so I know I’m wrong there but his behaviour is making me feel so down. When I talk to him he barely acknowledges what I say. Says things like “oh fair enough” and doesn’t talk properly. It’s also making me not want to try and have sex with him because frankly I feel shit about myself around him. But I love him and want this to work.

What do I do? how does this sound?

Well he may be depressed or just very bored with life. I am not sure he is a good dad if hes not interested in spending time or caring for his child?

Perhaps you need some time for a heart to heart…do you have anyone who could babysit whilst you go out?

incredibly lazy at home. As in he does nothing unless I go on and on

I don't think I could be doing with someone like this. Why does he appear to think you are, or should be, his domestic skivvy ?

He doesn't seem to be enjoying his family life, does he really deserve to stay with you ?

@Helloisitcheeseyourelookingfor im puzzled by your post. You say he treats you coldly, is lazy and doesn’t do his share of chores, is in debt, doesn’t have any interest in going places with you and dd unless it’s ‘grand’, doesn’t communicate, doesn’t even look at you, often doesn’t wash or dress on days off …yet you love him. What’s to love? And making such an unpleasant atmosphere in treating you this way yet he’s still a ‘loving and good dad’. How? A serious conversation is needed where he is told how unhappy you are, how miserable he seems, and take it from there. Stop asking him what’s wrong, go about your life as if all was well and ignore his sulks. It does not sound like a happy marriage.

It sounds like he’s checked out of your relationship and family life completely.

I have said this and that I need help but nothing changes

Take this out of the passive tense. It's not something that 'doesn't happen', it's something that he doesn't do.

What do I do? how does this sound

You decide what you want, rather than blindly hoping he will change. He is showing you who he is, and you're in a relationship with who you wish he was. That's why you feel constantly let down. Change your assumptions of him to match who he is. Then work out whether you can keep doing this for another year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. If not, get out, otherwise you'll be wishing in a year, 5 years, 10 years, that you hadn't wasted your time staying in a situation you knew you didn't want.

How old is your DC?
Has this been since DC was born?
Are there any other pressures, financial or extended family etc?

Life is incredibly tough and he seems worn out and depressed.

Having a family easily kills your enthusiasm for life and I think he is suffering. He is certainly not alone.

I guess I’m trying to look for all the good things as I want this to work.

DC is one.

Its got worse since DC was born but to an extent he’s been like this for a while.

He doesn’t take DC out much but helps with DC when is home, as in will change nappy/feed her and provide comfort when poorly and play but not much else.

I don’t know maybe I’m too scared to face the reality that maybe he has checked out but he never says anything and wouldn’t say that. He always says nothing is wrong but I don’t feel like this is normal anymore it just feels sad.

he struggles with alone time as we live in a small place but can’t afford to move so always wants me and DC to go out so he can have time on his own which is another issue. He needs time alone which I try and give him but not always possible.

Before DC we always went away or out to the pub and now we can’t. Maybe this is has impacted how he is as well. Problem is he barely talks or wants to fix anything.

He’s happy with DC and he is a loving and good dad but it’s hard to get anything out of him.

The bar for being a good dad remains ankle high on MN....

How is he a good dad when he leaves all the work to you? How is he a good dad when he's miserable and uncommunicative all the time? How is he a good dad when he doesn't want to do anything with your child apart from sit about in his pants at the weekend? How is he a good dad when he refuses to communicate with you, refuses to help and generally refuses to engage with family life?

He sounds unhappy with life - not depressed necessarily, but like it's not what he envisaged it to be and doesn't enjoy family life. He is in debt, yet still likes the expensive life - which shows he hasn't made peace with your lifestyle/income yet (is he doing anything to get out of debt/live more comfortably?). He doesn't seem to have any hobbies or interests in common with you - what does he do all day at home or on weekends?

He can't be a good dad if he is never taking DS out to do activities/play sport/teaching him healthy habits like helping around the house/doing chores/managing finances etc. If you weren't around, what would he do with DS?

Does he have hopes/dreams/aspirations or is he just happy to go to work-sit at home watching TV/gaming-sleep? Was he any different before kids - seems not? Because this is not a personality trait you can change, he just sounds really boring and a bit immature/lazy. If however, this is a more recent personality change and he was previously dynamic, enthusiastic about doing things with you, contributed at home, managed finances etc - then he may be depressed and need medical help.

Unfortunately we live in a society that tends to romanticize having children and glosses over the fact that many marriages struggle in the aftermath of giving birth.

How were things before you had a child? Would you say your husband was happier in general then?

My husband was the same then packed up and left. Drinks a lot now and speaks to loads of women on sm/old. I do think he was miserable with family life, wanted to be 21 again. I was exactly the same as you, we even went therapy where I told him over and over to make effort. I have came to terms now that he did indeed check out of the family/marriage. If I was you I would give a timeline in your head and if there is no improvement then leave as it is abusive, its emotional neglect. Start building your life up outside of him, you can't control him and how he behaves but you can build yourself up and give yourself self love so you no longer tolerate beinv ignored. You'll find it unattractive.

Personally I would be making clear how his behaviour is affecting me and saying this can't continue as it stands. It's fair enough if he's depressed and seeking help but if he's not prepared to make any effort and keeps refusing to talk then there's nothing to work with.

I don’t know maybe I’m too scared to face the reality that maybe he has checked out but he never says anything and wouldn’t say that. He always says nothing is wrong but I don’t feel like this is normal anymore it just feels sad.

OP, it does sound sad. It also sounds like you're both stuck. For all intents and purposes he has checked out and I sense you're walking on eggshells, afraid if you push him he'll tell you he wants out. Doesn't sound tenable.

As a first step perhaps consider couples counseling? You are going to have to address the elephant in the room which is that your husband is very unhappy and shirking his responsibilities as a husband and father.

I guess I’m trying to look for all the good things as I want this to work

Have you presented it to him like that? There's a suggestion in your words that it might not work if it carries on like this, but until you acknowledge that and communicate it to him, nothing will change.

Fathers can have a form of post natal depression as well, and DC is only one year old. My exH had it and ‘left’ the relationship, started drinking. Triggered by traumatic birth of DS . If we’d known then maybe things would have ended up differently I’m wondering if you can persuade him to see a doctor .

https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-and-co-parents-10-things-you-should-know

OP - if your post was a man describing his wife we would all be saying PND. If you can’t get DH to open up to this possibility see the GP yourself first. DH is likely to have no idea himself what is wrong .

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You may want this to work, but at what cost to you and your child?. Would you want your DD as an adult to be in a relationship like this now?. No you would not.

I think the price you've already paid is way too high and your relationship bar is way too low. Your comment, "He’s happy with DC and he is a loving and good dad but it’s hard to get anything out of him" re he being a good dad, there is no evidence whatsoever to show this is indeed the case so why lie to yourself on this point as well?. Denial is a powerful force.

God, he sounds a right miserable bugger. You must be exhausted just living with him. Why doesn't he go out himself if he wants some time alone, too? Why do you and your child have to go out?

It does look as though he's checked out. At first I thought he might be having an affair but as he doesn't shower, that's not really likely.

If I were you I'd be planning a future without him in it, personally.

Men can get depressed when they can't do whatever they want after the birth of a planned child, but please don't call it PND.

I don’t know why I’m like this and why I’m so desperate. I don’t know my own worth but we were so happy before that I want that person back.

he’s definitely unhappy.

He won’t admit he’s unhappy, or depressed, or anything. Despite me badgering and even try to say it’s okay if you are unhappy I want to help. So I’m at a loss.

I’ve said this to him. If he so needs alone time why won’t he go out but he won’t, he wants me and DC to leave so we end up staying at my parents so he has alone time occasionally.

The person he was never really existed and he can only keep up the nice and kind act for so long. You are now seeing who he really is.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and besides which you can only help your own self ultimately.