DH is so distant and I don’t know what to do

[Helloisitcheeseyourelookingfor]

Been married 4 years, together 10. One child together.
DH is a very hard worker at work, but incredibly lazy at home. As in he does nothing unless I go on and on but that’s a whole other issue. He has always been lazy at home and I naively thought it would change when we had a child.

We both work full time.

I’m starting to feel a bit down, and I’m wondering if it’s me. since we had our DC our sex life has gone massively downhill due to the shock of becoming parents and being extremely tired. I had a long recovery from birth and as I do most of the stuff around the house and work I’m just exhausted. I have said this and that I need help but nothing changes.

he doesn’t want to come out with me and DC as he finds walks to the countryside/farm/seaside boring, but also doesn’t fancy days out I suggest. He doesn’t suggest any. We haven’t got a lot of money and he’s only happy if we do grand things but we can’t do grand things all the time, especially as he is in debt.

When it’s his day off he wants to stay in all day, he doesn’t even always shower or get dressed. I asked him if he was depressed but he says no. He doesn’t communicate with me.

The last few months he just always looks miserable, when I walk in with DC he doesn’t even look my way. I always say something but he says nothing is wrong. I’ve asked so many times what is wrong, why do you look so grumpy, why are you ignoring me. He doesn’t say anything. He’s happy with DC and he is a loving and good dad but it’s hard to get anything out of him. He’s never been the best at communicating and always holds things very close to his chest.

I know he’s not cheating on me as he’s always here after work and doesn’t do anything else.

me asking him constantly probably isn’t helping so I know I’m wrong there but his behaviour is making me feel so down. When I talk to him he barely acknowledges what I say. Says things like “oh fair enough” and doesn’t talk properly. It’s also making me not want to try and have sex with him because frankly I feel shit about myself around him. But I love him and want this to work.

What do I do? how does this sound?

What sort of a man would want to send his wife and child away so he can have some alone time?.

And if you did know your own worth here you would be wanting out of this marriage. All he is doing now is dragging you and your child down with him.

You say he's always home after work op but could there be someone else at work who has turned his head? I don't always want to assume affair but when my ex-husband's behaviour suddenly went like this, it turned out to be an affair at work and he jus checked out of our marriage/family life.

It was actually a relief by that point to find out he was having an affair as it made things make sense and I knew that was it. Living with someone who is constantly miserable and won't tell you why is draining and cruel.

Err... Loads of people would love some time away from their family sometimes. Nothing wrong with that at all.

First off, there may be a medical reason - but he has a responsibilty to seek help if so, rather than opt out of family life, be a lazy husband and father, make everyone around him miserable.

Whether or not there's a medical reason, you don't have to put up with his poor treatment of you. You deserve better. He will drag you down with him if you aren't careful. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. Stop pussy footing around this selfish, lazy man and start living your life. I think it will be much happier and easier without him around.

So who do you suggest does all the childcare and housework then?

You're obviously a 'man'.

This is a good post. I'd also put all your posts together and make a list of all the main points that are bothering you along with how they each make you feel. Then sit him down and tell him that you need to talk and go through your list. Tell him you are concerned that he has checked out of your lives and ask him what he wants. Listen to what he says and make notes, then tell him what you want and listen to his response to this.

Don't let him try to shut down the conversation or walk away from it. Tell him that this does need to be resolved and if he does try to avoid discussing this with you, you will take it as a sign that he doesn't wish to continue in your marriage. Ask him how he thinks things can improve if he says that is what he wants. You can then give him your ideas about what can be done. Either way, make it very clear to him that things cannot continue as they are as neither of you appear to be happy.

It could well be that he is depressed or ill in some way or that he is having difficulty in adjusting to your new life and a visit to the GP or therapy could help. Encourage him to be honest and if he wants out, to say so, so you can move on with your life.

So he wants alone time and would like you to go to your family, but beyond that he won't tell you what is wrong, despite his actions showing that something is very wrong.
There comes a point where it ceases to matter what is wrong his end and it should start counting more that you are unhappy and therefore have every right to take any action you need to. You can't force him to start making you happy, but you can chose to leave an unhappy situation.
Can you go to stay with your family for a while. He wants space, take him at his word, give him more than enough for a week or 2. During that period I would only answer any communication he does if it is about how your DD is. Let him feel the silence he craves. If he is happier about it, you have an answer of sorts in that he wants to split up, and his silence on the reason is then likely because he feels the shame of it, whatever or whoever the shame is about.

I wonder how you were brought up yourself, OP? Were your parents kind, respectful, and loving towards each other? Did they listen to and respect each others' viewpoints, even when they differed? Did they listen to and respect your feelings, or were you pushed aside in any way? (Demanding sibling? Illness? Addiction? Chaotic homelife?)

Somewhere along the line, you've learned that if you don't say anything and hope thigs will change, that's the best way forward.

I didn't mention gender in my response (other than the likely impact life is having on him). Or childcare. Or housework. You are reading things you want rather than what's in front of you.

The challenges of life impact everyone, irrespective of who or what they are.

Sounds like he is finding that actually he can't be arsed being a husband and father. He's already selfishly letting you do everything, as well as checking out of family activities, and yet that still isn't low-effort enough for him. If it's depression he needs to recognise it and do something about it. Otherwise he us just royally taking the piss. He is not a good father - your child's memories of him will be of a lazy, selfish, miserable man who let his wife do all the work.

It's also possible that giving him total space will force him to realise that he cannot continue to behave as he does if he does not want to split, and shows him how serious it is.

Life is incredibly tough.

What has the OP posted that suggests her husband's life is 'incredibly tough'?

That's not obvious at all. It's a huge assumption, based on a very general statement that could be applied to most parents at some point.

I couldn't agree with you more. There should be so much more education on the negatives that having a baby can bring to your mental health and your relationship.

“Sounds like he is finding that actually he can't be arsed being a husband and father. He's already selfishly letting you do everything, as well as checking out of family activities, and yet that still isn't low-effort enough for him. If it's depression he needs to recognise it and do something about it. Otherwise he us just royally taking the piss. He is not a good father - your child's memories of him will be of a lazy, selfish, miserable man who let his wife do all the work.”

This. And as MN taught me - it’s really important that you do NOT think in terms of him helping with your shared DC. Because that implies it’s somehow your job to look after your DC. It’s both your jobs to parent your DC. He needs to step up.

He makes you leave your home because he finds having a young child around the place tedious. Regardless of you being worn out from working/caring for your young child. And the fact that you might just want a cup of tea and to stick the TV on.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house.

He makes your life miserable.

He won't engage to find solutions.

Honestly, ditch the deadwood - you don't deserve this life and you can't fix it on your own.

This! Great post.

Am also mystified by what is to love about your h.

I guess one possibility you might have to accept is that he was only happy then as he had no responsibility and you didn't expect much from him.

If he's never showed an interest in anything other than pub and lavish lifestyle but is going into debt to maintain it - his happiness was always going to come crashing down, DC have just accelerated this reality. Maybe be honest with yourself, is it he who has changed massively or did you just mature and grow as a person and realise you want a different life than he does.

You can't change him. He has to want to change and if he doesn't it's your call on what your future looks like.

This, with bells on. Stop enabling his “wants” OP, what about yours?
He has zero plans to change as it sounds like that would be far too much effort for him!

I think he’s checked out of your life/marriage. I’d kick him out.

I posted before about how my husband was similar and then left a few months ago but I want to add that there was no difference to him being here than gone! Except I didn't feel that crushing loneliness and rejection whenever I was around him and I also get me time now as he has the kids 3 nights per week. It does sound like he misses his old pub life and extravagant life, honestly just build yourself up and get a life outside of him and then leave before he either leaves or drags you and your child down with him.

Honestly OP if you have the funds to go your separate ways, I would unless he is willing to engage with you, go to the GP, counselling etc. If he doesn't make serious changes you need to leave, for you own sanity. I have lived this and it will drag you down into the pits of hell. You will lose all sense of reason, genuinely think you're going completed mad, get so angry and resentful of the waste of your life with someone like this. It will take you years to crawl back out of the pit you've found yourself in. Don't be me OP.

Why is he in debt?

Is there any substance abuse? Is he a drinker or does he smoke weed?

What does he do on his alone time? Porn?

He sounds very contemptuous of you, controlling, cold, stonewalling and checked out.

I wouldn’t let this character distract and drain you any further from having a lovely experience of motherhood. Move on without him.

He has checked out and is resentful you and your dc are even under the same roof....