DH is so distant and I don’t know what to do

[Helloisitcheeseyourelookingfor]

Been married 4 years, together 10. One child together.
DH is a very hard worker at work, but incredibly lazy at home. As in he does nothing unless I go on and on but that’s a whole other issue. He has always been lazy at home and I naively thought it would change when we had a child.

We both work full time.

I’m starting to feel a bit down, and I’m wondering if it’s me. since we had our DC our sex life has gone massively downhill due to the shock of becoming parents and being extremely tired. I had a long recovery from birth and as I do most of the stuff around the house and work I’m just exhausted. I have said this and that I need help but nothing changes.

he doesn’t want to come out with me and DC as he finds walks to the countryside/farm/seaside boring, but also doesn’t fancy days out I suggest. He doesn’t suggest any. We haven’t got a lot of money and he’s only happy if we do grand things but we can’t do grand things all the time, especially as he is in debt.

When it’s his day off he wants to stay in all day, he doesn’t even always shower or get dressed. I asked him if he was depressed but he says no. He doesn’t communicate with me.

The last few months he just always looks miserable, when I walk in with DC he doesn’t even look my way. I always say something but he says nothing is wrong. I’ve asked so many times what is wrong, why do you look so grumpy, why are you ignoring me. He doesn’t say anything. He’s happy with DC and he is a loving and good dad but it’s hard to get anything out of him. He’s never been the best at communicating and always holds things very close to his chest.

I know he’s not cheating on me as he’s always here after work and doesn’t do anything else.

me asking him constantly probably isn’t helping so I know I’m wrong there but his behaviour is making me feel so down. When I talk to him he barely acknowledges what I say. Says things like “oh fair enough” and doesn’t talk properly. It’s also making me not want to try and have sex with him because frankly I feel shit about myself around him. But I love him and want this to work.

What do I do? how does this sound?

always wants me and DC to go out so he can have time on his own

and

so we end up staying at my parents so he has alone time occasionally

Things that make you go hmmmm. These two statement blared out at me. Yet you say you don't believe he's cheating. Whatever he is doing is very, very suspicious if he wants you out of the house so often. Is he inviting a woman or call girl around and that's why he wants you out of the house? Or is he jacking off to porn? I think him needing to get you out of the house is extremely suspicious and I am very surprised you hadn't picked up on this earlier. Any woman would have red flag alerts at that.

Even if he's not cheating on you - and in my mind, from an outsider looking in, it doesn't look good. Distant from you, needs to get you out of the house etc, he has checked out of your marriage. That's clear. If you want to save your marriage, then you need to sit him down and give him an ultimatum; you seek marriage therapy and start right away, and say 6 months in you work out if you want to stay together or not, or you break up now. You need to lay it on the line. Because you're just going round in circles right now. You need to either get therapy now, or get out now. Lay everything on the table with him so he knows he needs to make a decision right now, and don't accept him putting it off. Give a deadline.

Impact life is having on him?? He doesn't do anything! OP is the one who does everything.

I think it’s time to give him all the ‘alone time’ he could ever want. Permanently.

There’s a difference between wanting some time away from family and organising a day trip somewhere by yourself or with friends versus actually asking your partner and baby to leave the house for a weekend.

And I doubt Op gets childfree weekends too, where he looks after baby so it’s not very equal.

OP, I also agree with others about how suspicious this looks. You said he comes home straight after work so definitely not cheating but what’s he doing while he’s so desperate to have you out the house? A lot of men do things online now as well so he wouldn’t even need to leave the house for that. I hope that’s not the case but be aware.

This. And why did you think he'd improve with a child.
You and your child really deserve more.

What do you do?
Gently, I'd spend some time seriously thinking is this the life you want in 1/5/10/20/30 years time?
If he won't talk about it and won't change, then you have two options. Put up with it or separate and start enjoying a much happier life. You're doing everything already - life won't be harder. As per pp, you'll have more free time as he'll have your DD some of the time.

The man seems depressed.
Maybe his work is not fulfilling.
Organise a babysitter and take him out bowling or playing indoor cricket etc.
Find low cost enjoyable outings for you all - reading in gardens, indoor swimming pools, Park Run, vegie gardening in a town plot, visiting a friend or Grandparents.
Eat out for lunch at the local pub that you used to go to with the baby and arrange for a mate and his wife and kids to be there on the same day once a month.
You are all in a rut. You can only get yourselves out of it.

Don't harp on about chores but ask him which daily and weekly task he would like to take charge of. Except his efforts.
Walk out at least once a week and leave him the baby - while you do a food shop or walk the dog etc.
He could be feeling overwhelmed and not living up to your standards. He will only learn when left alone to cope.

Well this certainly seems like a lot of extra work and effort for the OP to take on. She’s already taking care of the house and the baby and now she needs to try and take care of her man child too?

he’s not a good dad OP you’re saying that because you can’t think of any real positives. Feeding your own child and providing comfort is the lowest bar of being a parent - the absolute bare minimum he could be doing.

Indeed. More homework for the OP.

A woman's work is never done and apparently extends to sourcing amusement for waste-of-space men. No doubt from her phone in some freezing park to which the OP and her baby have been exiled so his lordship can have their nice, warm home to himself without being disturbed by his own child.

He tells you and DC to leave your own home and go to your parents so he can have alone time?

And you go?

You are enabling this man to make your life, and DCs life, unhappy

he wants me and DC to leave so we end up staying at my parents so he has alone time occasionally.

This is genuinely outrageous. He never does anything with you and his own child, never looks after his child alone, and he makes you leave your own house so he can be alone…

Doing what I wonder…?

You're wasting your life.

You do know we don't have to put up with this crap anymore. You both work full time, therefore jobs should be shared. Stop doing them.

He does sound depressed from what you've said & also checked out.

Time to have a conversation.

OP, he doesn't want a family, with all the responsibilities and constraints that involves, and he evidently doesn't believe family life has any pleasures. In short, he doesn't want a wife and child.

I'm afraid you have to face the fact that you will be bringing up your child on your own, either living with a man who resents you and your child, or living away from him.

This.

And you’d be better off on your own with DC.

You're in such a frustrating situation op. If he's depressed and wont go to the gp there's nothing you can do. If he's fed up and wont go see his friends/get a hobby then there's nothing you can do, if he won't engage in family life, you can't force him, if he's lazy then you're hardly likely to want to have sex with him - and the list goes on.

The upshot is, if he won't help himself, won't help you to help him you've got two choices. You either stay and accept this is life, or you leave and make a life that is happy for you and your dc. I know which I'd work towards

Really wish posters would stop jumping to depression - he's annoyed because he's a lazy person whose made bad choices and got himself in debt with a baby in a small house and is now finding out that babies mean there are more demands on him which any idiot whose ever met a baby would be able to tell you. He's just a selfish human being, to start with - throwing a diagnosis or medication or therapy will not change the fact he's such a selfish person he is happy with his wife and child leaving their home to give him some space.

Jesus fucking wept. Another man here telling women how to be better women and take responsibility for the poor men.

Family life isnt what he expected and it sounds like he is so passive that he is coasting and waiting for you to get fed up and dump him to give him a get out where he doesnt look like the asshole.

Yep.

He's not loving or a good dad.
What on earth do you love about him?

You might find counselling helpful, or doing the Freedom Origramne.

You might be happier if you split up.