Possibly autistic & ADHD kids, DH can't cope

[BMIwoes]

Sorry this is long. We've been together 18 years and mostly v happy. Have 2 sons, age 10 and 11. 11 Yr old has had problems with emotional regulation for a long time and it's getting worse. His new secondary school (Yr 7) suspect he may have v high functioning autism and have been masking, but now can't manage it anymore as he gets older and life is more complicated. We're on CAMHS waiting list. DS2 is also on wait list for ADHD assessment.

Me and DH work full time, mostly from home. He earns more than me but we both have good income. DH more than pulls his weight at home, I'd say its truly 50/50. He's supportive of my career (I'm much more senior than him but lower paid industry). We don't have money worries thankfully.

Prior to Covid we had a lot of support from PIL, who would look after our boys for a few days every 6-8 weeks. Post covid they are of course older, and our eldest is harder to manage, so they can only manage 1 boy at a time and much less often. This is of course fine, but I only now realise how important that regular break was for us and especially DH to decompress from the stress of managing DS1.

The problem is DH struggles so much to cope with the kids and its making all of us miserable. He is constantly irritable, snappy and joyless. He doesn't want to do anything with the kids although happy to take them to and from things. Every day feels like he is just trying to endure it until they go to bed. It leaves me in the position of being the 'nice one' which of course makes things worse and more imbalanced. Holidays are particularly bad as DH gets so overwhelmed after 2-3 days and then sinks into misery. I feel like I'm trying to manage everyone's emotions all the time and it's exhausting. DH hates the fact that DS is so rigid and yet he is also very rigid and so they clash constantly.

I suspect DH may also be neurodivergent, and possibly me as well. Some of the things that we have in common is we both get easily overestimated, need a lot of time alone to decompress and can be very obsessive about our respective interests. I'm a lot more emotionally articulate than DH and will prioritise alone time as I know if I don't I can't function. DH will stay up super late to have time alone but then is exhausted next day and so more irritable. He's no good at identifying and saying what he needs. I feel resentful that he doesn't seem able or willing to make an effort to help himself so he can be less miserable. He resents me because he thinks I'm being selfish. We're both exhausted. It's horrible. I want to help him but he gets defensive and angry if I try tp talk to him abput it. We're all miserable. I don't know what to do.

We see a child psychotherapist to help us deal with DS1, and are registered for a non-violent resistance parenting course soon which I think may help us with the kids. But DH is so down about everything it feels like anything we try is fighting a losing battle.

On the face of it we have a good life - good jobs, nice home etc etc. But it feels like cracks are appearing and I'm powerless to stop them

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking for here, I suppose it's just good to get it out.

This happens. A ND parent, usually the dad, can’t cope with the ND child. And the NT (or ADHD) mum has to flex to the point of breaking, to hold it together.

you can’t do it all. If your DH is the problem then he’s the problem and he sorts himself out or goes, but he doesn’t get to stay and then make everyone else’s life harder.

If you're on good incomes then I would look at putting a couple of grand towards private diagnosis and support rather than wait years for the NHS.

Didn't even read to the end before I guessed that your DH was likely neurodivergent. Does he accept that this is likely? I expect your happiness hinges on that. If he accepts it and is willing to educate himself, he can find strategies for himself and for his relationship with DC. We're a neurodivergent family, accepting that has made life so much more joyful for all of us. Best of luck, OP

I’m so sorry you’ve been having such a hard time lately, OP.

I’ve had to learn to work with suspected ND OH’s limitations. Things that have helped us are a code word that either of us can use if things have become too much enabling a no questions asked time away. OH has got better since knowing he can say “I need to change the filters” ie whatever and then escape when needed. Another thing that has helped OH is earplugs to use at home.

Do you get any time together or time out?

If you have the finances what practical things can be done to help?

Cleaner, reduction of hours for DH, someone to do homework with the DC?

Thanks all. He is quite resistant to the idea that any of us is neurodivergent. It's funny because I really struggled to cope when they were babies and toddlers, because I felt there was no escape and i didnt have the organisational skills to keep the day going. I had no time to decompress as they were always there, needing something, and it almost broke me. DH supported me brilliantly and he got on with the kids very well. As they have got older and their emotional needs have overtaken their physical ones DH now can't deal with it. I find it much easier now because I don't have to guess, and DS1 is very similar to me at his age (although i didnt meltdown aggressively, i melted down in a more introverted way) so I can understand him quite well.

I think we would all benefit from noise cancelling headphones as DS2 is incapable of silence and me, DH and DS1 all find that v hard to cope with. It makes all of us ratty and confused and of course that's unfair on DS2.

Does anyone have experience of a private diagnosis for child/adult? One of the things I'm not sure of is what practical impact this might have for us? Is there support out there to access if you have a private diagnosis?

You might find if the dc less stressed as more support during the school day then home becomes easier. Adhd meds for the dc have made our home much calmer. This is where private dx has helped us.

That's interesting. For some reason I thought schools only provided support through NHS diagnosis. Hadn't considered ADHD meds. Any recommendations for best way to find a good private practioner?

Try therapeutic parenting, join NATP, strengthen your parenting strategies. Learn how to parent ND children - it is a different type of parenting. Keep your husband involved, or out. It is easier on your own that dragging a him reluctantly. Plenty of ND adults parent and cope brilliantly, you can too

You suspect that you and DH might also be ND, but have you considered getting a diagnosis for yourselves. At least then you would know what you are dealing with, and could then identify solutions and strategies to help. Just as your son is struggling to cope, it sounds as though you both are too - it might be helpful to know why.

Yes, I have wondered about it. I got a bit fixated on it a while ago and went down all sorts of rabbit holes of research, but tried to snap myself out of it as it wasn't productive and DH was a bit dismissive as I do tend to get obsessive about things. So I guess from his perspective it's par for the course for me to harp on about something and he kind of tunes it out (I do the same with him to be fair). I find it hard to differentiate between what's a genuine concern and what is something I've just fixated on. That doesn't help here either.

I have 4 dc
2 have diagnosis of autism and adhd
I have been on waiting list for autism assessments 2 years ,so it’s soon
plus adhd assessment will be soon as well
dh 100% autistic ,but will not accept it ,or face it ,or discuss it.

but if u know what your looking for ,it’s as clear as anything
2 nd born son also autistic ,but sadly no diagnosis and now an adult has decided he doesn’t want to know formally.
so that’s quite a household of inflexible people all with issues all rubbing each other up the wrong way..
yes it’s hard .
slightly easier now some are adults ,
but I’m definitely worse with age ,infact I’m probably the most effected,having spent 20 plus years making sure the dc needs were met ,putting them first ,getting EHCPs ,getting them diagnosed and holding it all together ,,effectively masking …I’m now in total burnout ..I’d no idea what burnout was untill I suddenly couldn’t do what I usually did.
I never had anyone giving me a break ,my 2 dc we’re permanently at home having education at home ,a lot of the time I had to home educate them .
so any advice I have ,is don’t do everything yourself,buy In help find ways to get a regular break and prioritise your mental health

@slowquickstep yep that is also a consideration. Am I just focused on ND as that would 'explain' things, when actually the reality is we just having a shit time. I suppose the concern is for DS, whose behaviour and stress is well outside the bounds of 'normal' levels, and who we need to learn to cope with.

It would be really nice to live in a ND friendly world, everything in the most part is set up to cater for NT people.
Why are you so irate that people are trying to understand and help themselves when they experience difficulties, it does not hurt you for others to go down this avenue.

What exactly is your problem?

"Why is everyone ND? Aren't we allowed to be pissed off anymore or just really unhappy ?"

Lots of neuro diversity is hereditary

And some people are just hacked off or unhappy with his lot , why isn't that acceptable anymore ? Why isn't it possible ?

Because if that's the case and he's NT then he needs to remember that he's a father, that his children can't help it and he needs to find a way to live and parent them without making everything worse

Your comment, in my opinion, is unhelpful to the OP who is clearly struggling.

No, everyone is not neurodivergent.....and anyone who is will tell you how chuffing hard it is to be different in a world that's often just not designed for people whose brains are wired differently.

Anyhow....OP, I got my son diagnosed through private assessment, CAMHS waiting list was 2+ years. It's not cheap (£1500) but if you can find the funds it would be worth considering. As long as you carefully select the psychologist, the diagnosis will be accepted - I've successfully gone on to claim DLA on the back of it and been accepted onto the CAHMS pathway for medication for ADHD.

I so empathise with you..

My DS (16) and DD (14) are both neurodiverse.... He is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD ( both on NHS about 6 years ago) and she has a diagnosis of ASD ( NHS and private) and PDA (private).

We haven't had a lot of support... It's mainly school adaptations ( much better for her than him).

But the diagnosis really helped the kids and me understand ourselves. Particularly the private ones where the assessment was a lot more detailed and holistic.

I think I have adhd and my husband is also divergent I think, we all struggle to adapt to each other at times- as I get older this seems to be me more and more ( I think the menopause is really impacting). My husband is also less tolerant as the kids get older and need more emotional support and less practical.

We are about to go through a private PDA assessment for my son as he has struggled more as a teenager. It's challenging for both kids as people so often make assumptions that they are just being difficult or not trying at something when they are overwhelmed or stiruggling to regulate/ focus.

It's tough and a real rollercoaster, I think as with many things the mental load of managing of all of this falls to the mum which when you are also working and have your own challenges...

I would definitely look into private assessments and also Facebook groups and forums, I have learnt so so much this way and made many many changes to how we operate as a family.

Also, try not to compare with other families, we live a very different life to most but I very proud of how my kids are growing up and how we are parenting.

Hope some of this is helpfull....

It is a good thing that there is now more awareness and understanding about neurodivergence.
People with ableist attitudes such as this show that we still have a long way to go through…..😔. Anger and insensitivity doesn’t help anyone.

Oh I’m so glad to see it was deleted by the time I posted!

Thanks for sharing this. We have a 3.5 year old. I’m autistic and have ADHD, DH is autistic. I have found the baby/toddler stage relentless and DH has coped a lot better so hopefully things will get easier for me.

For a private autism diagnosis for a child or adult look at Axia in Chester. I’m on a FB group where a number of online adult assessors are recommended, when I can access it later I’ll compile a list. You can also look at right to choose where the NHS will pay for a private assessment, esp if you have long NHS waiting lists in your area.

I was privately diagnosed with ADHD and my GP was happy to take over prescribing my meds via a shared care agreement.

OP, I’m so sorry to read how bad things are for you right now. Some really good advice given already.
Not much to add other than, try to make sure that you and DH give each other a bit of time off for yourselves to have a bath/go for a run etc. Then also ask PILs if they can cover one evening a month at yours (so they are in familiar surroundings and in bed usual time) so you can both go out and have some time. We can get lost in appointments, emails, and therapeutic parenting our ND children. It’s not a game changer but a bit of time for you is going to help. It’s what we do and it has honestly helped so much….