Possibly autistic & ADHD kids, DH can't cope

[BMIwoes]

Sorry this is long. We've been together 18 years and mostly v happy. Have 2 sons, age 10 and 11. 11 Yr old has had problems with emotional regulation for a long time and it's getting worse. His new secondary school (Yr 7) suspect he may have v high functioning autism and have been masking, but now can't manage it anymore as he gets older and life is more complicated. We're on CAMHS waiting list. DS2 is also on wait list for ADHD assessment.

Me and DH work full time, mostly from home. He earns more than me but we both have good income. DH more than pulls his weight at home, I'd say its truly 50/50. He's supportive of my career (I'm much more senior than him but lower paid industry). We don't have money worries thankfully.

Prior to Covid we had a lot of support from PIL, who would look after our boys for a few days every 6-8 weeks. Post covid they are of course older, and our eldest is harder to manage, so they can only manage 1 boy at a time and much less often. This is of course fine, but I only now realise how important that regular break was for us and especially DH to decompress from the stress of managing DS1.

The problem is DH struggles so much to cope with the kids and its making all of us miserable. He is constantly irritable, snappy and joyless. He doesn't want to do anything with the kids although happy to take them to and from things. Every day feels like he is just trying to endure it until they go to bed. It leaves me in the position of being the 'nice one' which of course makes things worse and more imbalanced. Holidays are particularly bad as DH gets so overwhelmed after 2-3 days and then sinks into misery. I feel like I'm trying to manage everyone's emotions all the time and it's exhausting. DH hates the fact that DS is so rigid and yet he is also very rigid and so they clash constantly.

I suspect DH may also be neurodivergent, and possibly me as well. Some of the things that we have in common is we both get easily overestimated, need a lot of time alone to decompress and can be very obsessive about our respective interests. I'm a lot more emotionally articulate than DH and will prioritise alone time as I know if I don't I can't function. DH will stay up super late to have time alone but then is exhausted next day and so more irritable. He's no good at identifying and saying what he needs. I feel resentful that he doesn't seem able or willing to make an effort to help himself so he can be less miserable. He resents me because he thinks I'm being selfish. We're both exhausted. It's horrible. I want to help him but he gets defensive and angry if I try tp talk to him abput it. We're all miserable. I don't know what to do.

We see a child psychotherapist to help us deal with DS1, and are registered for a non-violent resistance parenting course soon which I think may help us with the kids. But DH is so down about everything it feels like anything we try is fighting a losing battle.

On the face of it we have a good life - good jobs, nice home etc etc. But it feels like cracks are appearing and I'm powerless to stop them

Because then he is just being a twat towards OP and their kids. He can control his behaviour, so should. Even if he is ND, he can still control his behaviour and should!

Can you get someone in to help? Maybe someone doing a degree in social care/ teaching etc just to get respite. Someone coming in two evenings a week to let you and dh do your own thing.
Is there a quiet room in the house where dh can escape to for downtime.
It is often the case that fathers and sons clash a bit as they enter the teen years anyway as just dishing out orders no longer works. In your case this is made worse by both being on the spectrum. I knew half way down dh was as a lot of students l teach l see this.As dh is good in a practical way can he be used for the more practical stuff while you go to the emotional stuff. A cleaner would particularly help you with organisation too.
Is there one thing dh and ds like to do that could bond them more. One of my students his dad liked to update vintage cars and his son luckily loved that so both happily worked together and dad enjoyed teaching him. It became a bit of an obsession with both but that was fine as everyone was happy. Think outside the box for an interest as it may not be a regular one.
Remember a lot of teens are difficult so this may not all be due to autism but he is going to be very stressed with Secondary.

OP, in your shoes (as ND mum to two ND kids with ADHD disaster DH), I'd throw money at some form of childcare/respite so you and DH get a decent child free break.

My time alone now is scared. I had two evenings a week that are mine, where I turn my phone off and just need to be alone for a few hours.

Providers of private ADHD assessments; Psychiatry UK, ADHD 360, Clinical Partners, Oaktree Clinic (Birmingham)

I know they see adults but am unsure about children

Thank you so much everyone. @h3ll0o any recs from your list would be gratefully received. We're in the South East. PIL are up north so evenings not an option unfortunately, but we do have a couple of decent babysitters who could help.

DH has struggled with DS1 for years, basically since he stopped being a toddler, but because we had an amazing and very structured, boundaried childminder, regular respite through PIL and were all out of the house 8-6 Mon-Fri it was manageable. Post Covid that network has fallen apart, and we need to rebuild it in a new way that works for us and the kids as older children. We do have a cleaner thankfully.

DS2 has always been 'easy' compared to DS1 and as a result has been slightly neglected I think. We're only now realising that it's perhaps not typical for a 10 year old to be so energetic he's almost vibrating and so chaotic he can lose his coat in an empty room in under 10 seconds.

Oof, I'm just so tired.

Exactly !

We went to Help for Psychology ( and going back) They are in Norfolk...they are great.

I feel your tiredness.... Allow you self to feel it and cut yourself slack... Lower expectations for the kids, you, house etc...

I have always wanted the kids to stay in school and do very basic things like clean their teeth/ brush hair and being polite and respectful is very important to me.. I just felt these were the right things for our kids- might be different for you/ yours...

But they don't do chores, we have never restricted screentime and we never eat together. All just stuff things they find to much and just upsets everyone.

Try to find your ryhtmn and remember that the fact that you are here thinking and questoning this stuff makes you a fab parent. I see so many neurodiverse kids whose parents just cannot come to terms/adjust with the idea they are 'different'... It's just so so sad

We also have found a hobby each has helped... Football for him and dance for her- they are not great at them and at times I feels like yet another thing to suppress them with BUT it gives them a rythmn to their lives and mine and at times when it feels like it's all going tits up it helps us get back to a norm...

Keep talking ....

Sorry it's hard going OP. And I don't want to be the voice of doom, but secondary transitions/puberty can be a very tough time for ND kids and their families.

The question really is whether DH has the motivation and capacity to change his behaviour in order to create an environment in which it is easier for the kids to feel comfortable and safe and remain regulated?

If he can't do this, and the clashes continue, although it's a toughie, you may be better off with him moving out to enable you to control the tone at home as this will make it easier to keep everyone calm. Realistically, you'll be exhausted whatever happens as you are the person who is being flexible in order to meet your children's needs. Doing it without a miserable snappy adult in tow, who is causing tension, may actually feel a bit easier, and he can then renegotiate a different relationship with the kids.

Its entirely not your fault but he will partly be relying upon you to 'take over', because you have and will continue to no matter how hard it is. That's mothering in a nutshell. I know we aren't supposed to say it but the bottom line almost always falls to us. It's no real help to you I know, and I imagine splitting the family is maybe not what you want to do? It's not clear from your OP.....Is your ds going to regular secondary? As in, not one with specialist support?

Try and get DC2 into some sort of sport. Only thing that helped my ADHD child occupied and slightly calmer. She ended up doing stuff 5 nights a week 😳 also means the chauffeur gets a break from the household?

I definitely don't want to split up if we can possibly help it. I love DH very much and he loves me. We don't love our life as parents but I'd rather we change our parenting. DH will try it's just hard for him not to default to particular patterns of behaviour. And of course I have my part to play.

Ds1 is at a regular school, at primary the SENCO thought his problems were all emotional and he had counselling through them, which he hated. I asked a couple of times if she thought there was a Sen issue and she said no. He is very academically able and verbally articulate which I think has helped him.get by so far. At yr 7 his head of year spotted it within a few weeks and called us in to discuss. Their SENCO has referred him and they are supporting him with a time out card and some focus groups for boys with similar social issues. His new school have been great so far.

It's particularly bad right now as it's the school hols and we've all been off together for the long weekend. DH is really focused on doing DIY in the house, jobs he's been trying to get time for, and he's stressed and aggravated that he hasn't got it all done (but this is because he's stayed up late and slept in everyday). I'm at the end of my rope being constantly pestered by one of them and trying to keep DH on the level, so now I'm ratty and snippy too. And the kids are just getting sillier and sillier which is the thing DH really can't stand. Roll on term time!

@RandomMess yes we tried football and cubs, he found cubs too much like school and football he didn't like but he's recently got back into it at school. Maybe will try to find a local club so he can try again.

If money is good, could you both look at dropping a day, or doing a 9 day fortnight? That way the boys are at school and you could each have a day (pick a different day!) to decompress and do some activities just for you - sleeping, reading, hobbies etc.
It's amazing what a bit of self care can do, and whilst it might impact your overall family income, it will pay out in other ways.

I would investigate private diagnosis for your older son. Waiting via CAMHS is a very long wait, and likely things won't improve in that time. Most schools are aware of this, and will usually accept a private diagnosis from someone who's suitably qualified.

As others have said, if he can get the right support in school, then it may make things easier at home. It sounds like the school are supportive- Y7 is often a difficult time for ND children as it's so different to primary school. Starting GCSEs can also be a challenging time.

Hopefully, a diagnosis would also make your partner more tolerant?

What do you think would enable him to cope better?

Hello, parent here of two autism dc. If and when you get a diagnosis what are you expecting to happen? I say this from a good place but it's no magic wand! You get a little bit of info and your sent on your merry way.. then you jump through many hoops and obstacles to get support in school - if at all. It's fucking hard to get an ehc plan these days and getting the school to stick to it is another story entirely. By all means go private if you can afford to but it's makes no difference. It's all about how you as parents learn to cope. My children were diagnosed early, early help is massively important to help with coping strategies. Having missed out that chunk of support your already on the back foot so to speak. Knowledge is power, show these people you know your facts and you'll get a much better response. I have filled in so many forms over the years, seen all manner of child psychologists - it's exhausting. You need to sit down with your Husband and have a conversation about how your are both going to work together to support each other and ultimately the children.

What about something like climbing/bouldering? There are lots of places where you can do it indoors now, and a lot of pre-teens/teens (including ND teens) seem to really enjoy it!

Football is a lot of standing around waiting for the ball to reach you compared to bouldering/climbing where they have to concentrate and be active simultaneously. Also it doesn't matter if they are good enough for the team.

Try some different clubs?

OP, my kids are now 18 & 16. Both Autistic, both Dyslexic & Dyspraxic too. Ex H was a nightmare. Very unsupportive and very ablist too. He just got his adult Autism dx, aged 59 (now it suits him as he's seeking medical retirement on the strength of it, but that's another story). Nt or ND, he is their Father & should support his kids.

I don't think schools particularly care if the diagnosis is private or NHS. More families are having to go private now as waits are 2-3 years or in some areas NHS waiting lists are effectively being closed.

Schools actually shouldn't need a diagnosis at all to provide support, they should be supporting based on need. But realistically the diagnosis makes them more understanding.

You could just go for an initial assessment privately, I think it cost us around £200/£250 just for that - it was screening questionnaires and the psychologist met with us and our child, and then wrote a report stating whether they had asd traits and would benefit from a full diagnosis.

Thank you, you've mirrored my thoughts and concerns. We need to figure out how to work together not against each other, diagnosis or not. I suppose a dx would/might help us to figure out what parenting techniques would be most suitable and what we are both most likely to be good at. It's in my nature to spend a lot of time researching, analysing and observing behaviour to understand the patterns and then come up with a strategy. whereas for DH he is the total opposite, he just wants everyone to fall in line with him. Then I get frustrated because he isn't seeing things that are SO OBVIOUS to me (as I've spent ages watching), and he gets cross because if we all did what he would do we'd all get on. Pre kids none of this mattered as we just pottered along doing our own things.

I am going to sit him down and talk through some practical things that i think will help. 1 - each of us take turns with pre and post school routines rather than us muddling through together and getting in each others way. 2 - No more family meal times 7 days per week. It stresses us all out. Weekends together is enough. 3 - 1 evening each out of the way, as in from finishing work till bedtime we are free to do our own thing 4 - no more taking annual leave as a family without a structured activity. Kids in football camp - great, let's be off. Kids at home - only one of us. Family time at home without plans is a source of stress not relaxation so let's keep it short and sweet.

And I'm going to look into private assessment options. DH has private health care through work so this might be available.

@alyceflowers an initial assessment is a tick box process an unqualified person can do. In fact some school use these before making a half hearted referral.. keep a diary of stuff happening over a period of three months - go private for a diagnosis if you can afford to. Yes - in theory schools should support with or without a diagnosis and some do a great job, but sadly many don't and that when the problems start. Leading up to exams will be tricky without that diagnosis. Examinations for children with a diagnosis (or at least some hard documented evidence) have specific provisions in place, extra time/rest breaks, 1:1 quite examinations instead of in a giant echoing hall with 200+ others. Be warned there are many ex teachers/ta's with sen experience (some not so much) cashing in on these tick forms that actually aren't worth the paper they are written on. I speak from experience as a parent support volunteer to families with children with autism. It boils my piss quite frankly.

We saw a child psychologist for an initial assessment. It was useful for us to have an indepth discussion with someone about whether diagnosis was right for us, and to get some ideas on strategies for the school in the mean time.

@rockingbird thank you that's really helpful. DH is wary of DSs being labelled or held back in some way by a dx but I don't see it like that. Inthinl hes really juat scared of having to change. BIL is a health professional and also severely dyslexic, dx as a child, and he makes use of reasonable adjustments to enable him to have his v successful career in NHS and private practice. So he is quite vocally supportive of us doing what we can to learn and get professional help.

I spoke to DH about my ideas for making things less stressful. He's in agreement, although was also organising one of his collections so who knows how much he heard! I'll talk to him tomorrow about seeking private assessment(s).