Sorry this is long. We've been together 18 years and mostly v happy. Have 2 sons, age 10 and 11. 11 Yr old has had problems with emotional regulation for a long time and it's getting worse. His new secondary school (Yr 7) suspect he may have v high functioning autism and have been masking, but now can't manage it anymore as he gets older and life is more complicated. We're on CAMHS waiting list. DS2 is also on wait list for ADHD assessment.
Me and DH work full time, mostly from home. He earns more than me but we both have good income. DH more than pulls his weight at home, I'd say its truly 50/50. He's supportive of my career (I'm much more senior than him but lower paid industry). We don't have money worries thankfully.
Prior to Covid we had a lot of support from PIL, who would look after our boys for a few days every 6-8 weeks. Post covid they are of course older, and our eldest is harder to manage, so they can only manage 1 boy at a time and much less often. This is of course fine, but I only now realise how important that regular break was for us and especially DH to decompress from the stress of managing DS1.
The problem is DH struggles so much to cope with the kids and its making all of us miserable. He is constantly irritable, snappy and joyless. He doesn't want to do anything with the kids although happy to take them to and from things. Every day feels like he is just trying to endure it until they go to bed. It leaves me in the position of being the 'nice one' which of course makes things worse and more imbalanced. Holidays are particularly bad as DH gets so overwhelmed after 2-3 days and then sinks into misery. I feel like I'm trying to manage everyone's emotions all the time and it's exhausting. DH hates the fact that DS is so rigid and yet he is also very rigid and so they clash constantly.
I suspect DH may also be neurodivergent, and possibly me as well. Some of the things that we have in common is we both get easily overestimated, need a lot of time alone to decompress and can be very obsessive about our respective interests. I'm a lot more emotionally articulate than DH and will prioritise alone time as I know if I don't I can't function. DH will stay up super late to have time alone but then is exhausted next day and so more irritable. He's no good at identifying and saying what he needs. I feel resentful that he doesn't seem able or willing to make an effort to help himself so he can be less miserable. He resents me because he thinks I'm being selfish. We're both exhausted. It's horrible. I want to help him but he gets defensive and angry if I try tp talk to him abput it. We're all miserable. I don't know what to do.
We see a child psychotherapist to help us deal with DS1, and are registered for a non-violent resistance parenting course soon which I think may help us with the kids. But DH is so down about everything it feels like anything we try is fighting a losing battle.
On the face of it we have a good life - good jobs, nice home etc etc. But it feels like cracks are appearing and I'm powerless to stop them