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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done

100 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/04/2023 20:48

I had friends over for Easter and we was all drinking the kids where playing and everyone was having a good time until I got drunk and ended up having sex with my friends ex in the bathroom. When we came out everyone knew what we had done and my friend had left. I feel so guilty I genuinely don't know what I was thinking and don't know how to fix this

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/04/2023 21:46

Confused19831983 · 09/04/2023 21:45

I really don't think this is as bad as everyone is making it out to be. The kids were safe and being looked after by sober adults. The guy you had sex with was an ex, not a current partner of a friend. And as some have pointed out, he was just as much in the wrong. All you can do is apologise to the people who were there, try not to beat yourself up too much about it, move on and get some help with your drinking. I can imagine how bad you must be feeling and I really hope you manage to get through this.

Thankyou so much that means a lot

OP posts:
Dery · 09/04/2023 21:47

OP - how could you think it would be okay to drink when you’d had to be hospitalised to manage your withdrawal from alcohol previously? Alcohol is clearly utter poison for you and you also clearly can’t think straight around it. Given what you’ve been through, I wonder why people were drinking around you. It sounds like you need to be around sober people for now.

FWIW, I have made some horrendous mistakes in life that I would give a lot to go back and change. When you don’t learn your life lessons, the universe has a way of sending them to you in increasingly painful packaging. Make this experience work for you - you obviously needed to reach a very painful rock bottom to accept that alcohol cannot be part of your life. Let this be your rock bottom. Don’t make yourself have to fall even further. Start the work you need to do. And please don’t ever touch another drop of alcohol.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 09/04/2023 21:52

Dery · 09/04/2023 21:47

OP - how could you think it would be okay to drink when you’d had to be hospitalised to manage your withdrawal from alcohol previously? Alcohol is clearly utter poison for you and you also clearly can’t think straight around it. Given what you’ve been through, I wonder why people were drinking around you. It sounds like you need to be around sober people for now.

FWIW, I have made some horrendous mistakes in life that I would give a lot to go back and change. When you don’t learn your life lessons, the universe has a way of sending them to you in increasingly painful packaging. Make this experience work for you - you obviously needed to reach a very painful rock bottom to accept that alcohol cannot be part of your life. Let this be your rock bottom. Don’t make yourself have to fall even further. Start the work you need to do. And please don’t ever touch another drop of alcohol.

I know I shouldn't be drinking and I won't be again but I struggle with mental illness (bpd) and I know this isn't an excuse but alcohol is my coping mechanism so have drank a few times since November. Today I thought I could have a few drinks with some friends clearly I was wrong because as usual I don't know when to stop and now iv ruined everything

OP posts:
LiliLil · 09/04/2023 21:57

You haven’t ruined everything OP.

I stand by what I said about the kids being there, but like another poster said it wasn’t her partner it was an ex, and it takes two.

All you can do is apologise and take steps, serious steps, to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Don’t beat yourself up anymore than you already have, it’s done with, and it will blow over. Get some rest, and stay away from the drink x

Dery · 09/04/2023 22:05

Agree with PP - you haven’t ruined everything - this may just be the really painful wake-up call you needed to stop using alcohol as a crutch. Make this experience work for you. Learn the lessons you need to learn.

Dery · 09/04/2023 22:06

Start by finding a coping mechanism which doesn’t poison you.

jenny38 · 09/04/2023 22:13

you have apologised. You know what you have to do in terms of alcohol, it clearly isn’t something you can handle. Look up AA meetings, bound to be one on tomorrow. Group of people who will support instead of judging etc. with regard to your friendship group, let the dust settle then see. Many of us have made mistakes when drunk, it seems like the end of the world at the time, but people move on.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 09/04/2023 22:15

I hope you get the help you need

Littlepiglet123 · 10/04/2023 09:21

Let us know how you are this morning. I hope you managed some sleep.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 09:39

Littlepiglet123 · 10/04/2023 09:21

Let us know how you are this morning. I hope you managed some sleep.

I'm ok thanks I got a couple of hours. Iv sent some more apology messages, hoping someone replies. I only have 1 of my kids today so gonna try and make it nice for her and do some baking and watch a film this afternoon.

OP posts:
weirdoboelady · 10/04/2023 10:05

Don't worry if no-one replies, they may take time to process things. And even if no-one ever replies, it is not the end of the world, which will keep on turning, you will make new friends, they will doubtless drift back into your world at some point by which time water under the bridge etc. etc..... In the mean time focus on your lovely kids and remember to be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes. Remember even Jane Austen said our friends seem mostly there to provide entertainment as we all laugh at each other. Nurturing yourself is what you need ATM - this can embrace all sorts of things like accepting help from professionals/AA/friends new and old and any other sources you find helpful.

HuntingoftheSnark · 10/04/2023 10:17

Hi OP, have you tried AA at all? I know it's not for everyone but it would be a safe space where you could share about this and nobody would judge you at all. The hospital stay to withdraw implies that you were physically dependent (I have been there too) and at risk of seizure etc if you weren't monitored. I know it's not easy and the mind has an ability to forget what the consequences are - and you can kid yourself that it will be just one drink, when you know in truth it doesn't work like that.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 10:33

HuntingoftheSnark · 10/04/2023 10:17

Hi OP, have you tried AA at all? I know it's not for everyone but it would be a safe space where you could share about this and nobody would judge you at all. The hospital stay to withdraw implies that you were physically dependent (I have been there too) and at risk of seizure etc if you weren't monitored. I know it's not easy and the mind has an ability to forget what the consequences are - and you can kid yourself that it will be just one drink, when you know in truth it doesn't work like that.

Thanks yeah I did some online meetings with AA, I'm gonna try and get back into it

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 10:34

weirdoboelady · 10/04/2023 10:05

Don't worry if no-one replies, they may take time to process things. And even if no-one ever replies, it is not the end of the world, which will keep on turning, you will make new friends, they will doubtless drift back into your world at some point by which time water under the bridge etc. etc..... In the mean time focus on your lovely kids and remember to be kind to yourself - we all make mistakes. Remember even Jane Austen said our friends seem mostly there to provide entertainment as we all laugh at each other. Nurturing yourself is what you need ATM - this can embrace all sorts of things like accepting help from professionals/AA/friends new and old and any other sources you find helpful.

Thankyou for your kind words

OP posts:
Xztop · 10/04/2023 11:29

Was the man drunk? He's equally to blame or more so if he wasn't drunk.

It's done, you've apologised, you're going to get help for your drinking so now you need to be kind to yourself. We all fuck up.

millymollymoomoo · 10/04/2023 11:45

You’ve messed up big time as you know. Your friend may or may not forgive you, although technically as her ex she can’t dictate what he does - I’d still be really upset by this

however, turn it into a turning point- get support to stop drinking ( it’s no good just saying I’m never drinking again)- get professional support - get help with mental health and use this as your low point to pick yourself up from

i hope you’ve not put yourself at risk of pregnancy sti either

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 10/04/2023 12:03

How grubby. Poor kids

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 14:14

Xztop · 10/04/2023 11:29

Was the man drunk? He's equally to blame or more so if he wasn't drunk.

It's done, you've apologised, you're going to get help for your drinking so now you need to be kind to yourself. We all fuck up.

He was drunk to, one of my friends has said he did it to make his ex jealous

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 14:15

millymollymoomoo · 10/04/2023 11:45

You’ve messed up big time as you know. Your friend may or may not forgive you, although technically as her ex she can’t dictate what he does - I’d still be really upset by this

however, turn it into a turning point- get support to stop drinking ( it’s no good just saying I’m never drinking again)- get professional support - get help with mental health and use this as your low point to pick yourself up from

i hope you’ve not put yourself at risk of pregnancy sti either

I have a cpn and I'm under we are with you a alcohol and drug service

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/04/2023 17:36

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 14:14

He was drunk to, one of my friends has said he did it to make his ex jealous

Show quote history

Not a very nice friend to be hanging around with then. Of course you'll be judged far more harshly than him. I'd be meeting that fucker rightout of of my life in your shoes.

ElleMD80 · 10/04/2023 17:38

Easter is not a ‘have people over for a piss-up’ type occasion. It’s a kids thing and a grownups being ‘genteel’ thing.

gamerchick · 10/04/2023 17:41

*yeeting

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/04/2023 17:41

ElleMD80 · 10/04/2023 17:38

Easter is not a ‘have people over for a piss-up’ type occasion. It’s a kids thing and a grownups being ‘genteel’ thing.

It's a bank holiday weekend

OP posts:
Confused19831983 · 10/04/2023 17:46

I am honestly shocked by how judgemental people are being on this thread. OP knows she messed up and feels terrible about it. As long as the kids are OK, it's hardly the crime of century. OP I hope you are feeling a bit better today and have got things into perspective. The most important thing is that you get help with your drinking, and abandon the idea that you can just have a few. If your friends are really your friends they will forgive you and move on as long as you show them you are serious about quitting for good. Wishing you the best of luck with everything.

Confused19831983 · 10/04/2023 17:48

@ElleMD80 and what do you mean, genteel? As OP says it's a Bank Holiday for Christ's sake. People all over the country have been getting absolutely off their faces for days. Even the ones who have kids.