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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my heart ever unbreak?

74 replies

Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 17:59

How do you stop loving someone who was inexplicably cruel to you?

It’s a long story, but we finally got together after he messed me around for the best part of a year. When i say I have never loved someone so strongly in my whole life, it doesn’t do justice for what I felt. He was like a drug to me, I couldn’t think of anything else, I worshipped this man and I would have done anything, anything to make it work with him.
But after he messed me around so much, by time we got together, my trust was low and we knew we needed to work on building our relationship up, we both knew it’d be hard work but the feelings we had made it worth it.
When we were together it was genuinely like nothing I have ever experienced. And it was the same for us both (apparently). I know the difference between sex and making love because of him, the intensity of it, if you’ve felt this way then you know what I’m talking about. The ecstasy of being intimate with someone you love so ferociously is like nothing else on earth.
I asked him to do one thing for me. To never go off grid again and leave me in the dark wondering where I stood, to never ever let me fall asleep wondering where he was or what was going on, and whether I still mattered. He promised he wouldn’t, he also promised he’d never break my heart again. But he did it again, and out of respect for myself and realising he would never develop empathy (he’s 42, he won’t change now) I ended the relationship. I finally blew up, big time, I completely lost my sh1t. All the thoughts, feelings and anger I’d held back on previous occasions when he’d deeply hurt me poured out of me in the most vicious, vitriolic manner. I told him he was a compulsive liar and a narcissist, I told him to drop dead, I even called him the C word - and I meant every single word of it. The pain he caused me was unbearable. The pain was so raw and unbearable because the love I felt for him was so intense.
But I had to end it - this was probably the 6th or 7th time he’d hurt me deeply. Here’s the kicker - he didn’t even fight for us/me. He just let me go. This man who (in his words) worshipped me, would do anything for me, had never felt so besotted with someone, wanted to spend his life with me, wanted to marry me one day, wanted to be stepfather to my daughter and love her every bit as much as he loved me because she was a part of me, just walked away with barely a tear.
This was 5 months ago and whilst I am able to function and laugh again, the feel of him, the love I had for him and the love he declared to have in return have left a hole in my life that I’m scared will never be filled.

If I can’t love that deeply again I never want to be with anyone else, because nothing will compare. Although he was cruel in his unthinking, and he was a narcissist and a liar, he was also loving, and sweet, emotional and deeply feeling. He was tactile and complimentary, when he looked at me I knew he worshipped me as I did him.
When I ended it he said he didn’t fight because he found my reaction to his terrible treatment to be ‘abusive’ (verbally). So he used my emotional response to the pain he caused me as a reason it all fell apart.

But I simply cannot stop loving him. And hating him at the same time. I need there to be a light at the end of this. I have so much love in me, so much to give. Please tell me I’ll feel again, I just need to feel, I am so numb.

OP posts:
PacificallyRequested · 09/04/2023 18:02

This reply has been deleted

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SmileyPaella · 09/04/2023 18:07

Sorry but it sounds like your feelings weren't reciprocated. And your feelings sound like infatuation not love.

winningeasy · 09/04/2023 18:10

@PacificallyRequested that's a really mean thing to say

OP, sounds like you didn't have trust and put a lot of pressure on him. Also sounds like you were pretty volatile. The relationship sounds intense and dramatic and that's not what you need in your 40's when there's kids involved. Hopefully you can see it's prob for the best that you're not together.

Have you ever had therapy? It might be worth talking to someone about these intense emotions

Crocodilekneecaps · 09/04/2023 18:11

You’ve clearly been a mug and he’s not worth your time.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 18:12

I agree you do sound very intense. What did he do to make you end it. Sometimes this intense obsessive love isnt healthy for either partner. You might not feel such intense emotion again but there is no reason why you cant have a happy fulfilled life with or without a new partner.

Zippidydoo · 09/04/2023 18:14

This sounds like a Trauma bond.
Him saying all the things you wanted to hear but his actions were different.
The hot/ cold cycle is how these men hook you, desolate when he treats you badly then you are flooded with dopamine and relief when he comes back.
Not love, a toxic relationship

Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:14

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You're right to be fair. It was very intense, but it was for both of us. I'm not a weird person even if it comes across that way to you. I had a very stable, normal, loving upbringing but you're possibly right in that the intensity of my feelings for him were too much in the end. Appreciate the response even if I do think you're being a little cruel.

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 18:14

I'm not sure that what you had for this man was love, OP. Have you ever read "Women Who Love Too Much'? Maybe you should give it a look.

Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:17

@winningeasy yeah I did have some therapy after this because it was really awful. But her take (having got the full story) was that he is in fact a narcissist and I was massively love bombed. And when someone love bombs you like that and tells you they'd rather die than not be with you...I guess it's easy to get pulled in and return the same intensity. Thank you for being kind (even though I apparently come across as a mental case according to some of the replies 😆)

OP posts:
Mumped · 09/04/2023 18:18

What you have described doesn’t sound like love. It sounds like lust, obsession, infatuation. Those sort of relationships are never sustainable.

Love is trust, 100% having each other’s best interests at heart, a mutual selflessness but not dependency. It’s low drama.

If you want to be happy, steer clear of men who make you feel like they’re ‘a drug’ or that you ‘worship’ then. Seriously.

Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:18

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 18:14

I'm not sure that what you had for this man was love, OP. Have you ever read "Women Who Love Too Much'? Maybe you should give it a look.

Thank you so much I will do - I love reading so appreciate the response and the suggestion 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:20

Zippidydoo · 09/04/2023 18:14

This sounds like a Trauma bond.
Him saying all the things you wanted to hear but his actions were different.
The hot/ cold cycle is how these men hook you, desolate when he treats you badly then you are flooded with dopamine and relief when he comes back.
Not love, a toxic relationship

Yeah so the long story dates back to 2007 when I first met him at age 22 - he blindsided me with my first heartbreak back then and I never got over him...I'm going to look into the trauma bond because you could be spot on. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 09/04/2023 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow. Is that what you took from that post? There’s some really horrible posters on MN, there really is

ShyMaryEllen · 09/04/2023 18:24

It sounds like you have been the victim of a narcissist, and it hurts.

Have a look on Quora for millions of articles and questions about the pattern, and you'll see that you are not alone. They start by making you feel a million dollars and just as you say - that this is the difference between love and anything you've ever felt before. You are the only person to understand them and they love you like never before, too. You become enmeshed in their life, so losing them means losing other friends and other parts of your life, too. Often you lose other friends anyway, as they find ways of separating you from them.

Then they devalue you and start doing unkind things, leading to downright cruel ones. They exploit your weaknesses, so if going off grid will hurt you, that's what they do. They often triangulate, by bringing in a third party to make you doubt yourself - maybe to feel jealous, maybe to feel insecure, but always to make you feel bad.

The next stage is to dump you, or to discard you in other ways - ghost you, or disengage whilst getting off on watching you try to reconnect.

I'm really sorry, OP, but your case is absolutely classic. He might try to 'hoover' you, ie get you back, but not because he loves you (whatever he says) but because his current supply of admiration, sex or attention is fading. Ignore it. Block him. Do not follow him or 'just have a quick look' on social media. Walk away and never look back.

Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:26

@Zanatdy that was the first comment too...I was like 'oh my god I'm a psycho, I'm the problem, not him' 😆 I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that was a bit below the belt but it's also good sometimes to get some tough love and a bit of a digital slap round the face to snap you out of your pity party...just maybe not quite that brutal 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:29

ShyMaryEllen · 09/04/2023 18:24

It sounds like you have been the victim of a narcissist, and it hurts.

Have a look on Quora for millions of articles and questions about the pattern, and you'll see that you are not alone. They start by making you feel a million dollars and just as you say - that this is the difference between love and anything you've ever felt before. You are the only person to understand them and they love you like never before, too. You become enmeshed in their life, so losing them means losing other friends and other parts of your life, too. Often you lose other friends anyway, as they find ways of separating you from them.

Then they devalue you and start doing unkind things, leading to downright cruel ones. They exploit your weaknesses, so if going off grid will hurt you, that's what they do. They often triangulate, by bringing in a third party to make you doubt yourself - maybe to feel jealous, maybe to feel insecure, but always to make you feel bad.

The next stage is to dump you, or to discard you in other ways - ghost you, or disengage whilst getting off on watching you try to reconnect.

I'm really sorry, OP, but your case is absolutely classic. He might try to 'hoover' you, ie get you back, but not because he loves you (whatever he says) but because his current supply of admiration, sex or attention is fading. Ignore it. Block him. Do not follow him or 'just have a quick look' on social media. Walk away and never look back.

You have literally described it to the detail. He broke me down. I'm normally a highly confident, capable and strong woman, great job, amazing friends and family, respected at work - I became a shell. It was tragic really. I'm not there anymore but I still miss him...at least I thought I did until I've read some of these kind and helpful replies. I can't thank you enough for your response ♥️

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 18:35

“when he looked at me I knew he worshipped me as I did him”
I’m afraid he didn’t. The way he treated you is proof.
Yes you will heal. But please focus on other things to distract you. It might sound corny but keeping busy really helps to curb the ruminating, which I suspect is what you’re doing a bit too much.

Zippidydoo · 09/04/2023 18:37

Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:20

Yeah so the long story dates back to 2007 when I first met him at age 22 - he blindsided me with my first heartbreak back then and I never got over him...I'm going to look into the trauma bond because you could be spot on. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

Show quote history

He sounds like a Narc.
The bit where you reacted to being hurt and he called you abusive is a classic tactic.
It's actually a form of abuse called Reactive Abuse.
Once you explore this you will realise its not love.
This type of thing literally turns you into a complete emotional wreck, that's just what these men like .
Crazy makers

Always be wary of men with a string of "crazy exs" , they have never met anyone like you, soul mate , blah blah
Tale as old as time.

samqueens · 09/04/2023 18:39

You’ve done really well to end it OP - I hope you’re able to stay away. I don’t actually think this is about living someone too much. He’s just a bloody abusive twat and he found a way into your psyche. This is how abusive men hook women in (when people say “just walk away”, “why do you let him x, y, z?” usually it’s because they have no idea quite how deep the early stage love goes and how mutual it feels).

I’m afraid you probably need to accept that the things you list as his good qualities are actually part of the abuse and don’t stand alone in him as genuine qualities. Really skilled manipulators are geniuses at reflecting back exactly what you need/want to hear - and it doesn’t seem at all as if that’s what’s happening in the moment.

Highly recommend reading Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (download on kindle) for future proofing and an insight into this kind of abusive mentality.

Also Alain De Botton’s book On Love for heartbreak in general!! Take care you of yourself xX

samqueens · 09/04/2023 18:39

Loving not living 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Corastiredmummy · 09/04/2023 18:41

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 18:35

“when he looked at me I knew he worshipped me as I did him”
I’m afraid he didn’t. The way he treated you is proof.
Yes you will heal. But please focus on other things to distract you. It might sound corny but keeping busy really helps to curb the ruminating, which I suspect is what you’re doing a bit too much.

You're right - he didn't and I need to remind myself of this.
I am honestly so busy with a full time quite senior job, I sing professionally too, have my beautiful daughter 50% of the time and a really active social life...but every so often one of 'our songs' comes on the radio or a guy at work wearing the same aftershave chats to me and it all just hits me like a tonne of bricks and I go back to 'wtf' mode. Like, how could it go so wrong. Thank you for your honest words, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
DHsPoorBack · 09/04/2023 18:44

Ok, so if he's a narcissist, you didn't love him. You loved the character he played to hook you in. That character doesn't exist. It simply doesn't, it's not a real person.

It's ok to be distraught. Your feelings weren't fake. You were real. And it's ok to mourn what you felt. It's a testament to what a loving person you are.

But very simply, he was an actor playing a role. He doesn't exist. The sooner you get your head around that, the sooner you can move on, because you are mourning a fictional character.

You've got this Flowers

DoubleTime · 09/04/2023 18:45

samqueens · 09/04/2023 18:39

Loving not living 🤦🏻‍♀️

'Women Who Love Too Much' isn't about love, its about being stuck in a pattern of unhealthy relationships.

Truthseeker34 · 09/04/2023 18:59

You only loved him so much because he didn't feel the same..

AlwaysGinPlease · 09/04/2023 19:00

I feel very sorry for your child. Where was she in all this? You sound way too intense and sorry, unhinged. It's all very dramatic unless you were teenagers which you're not. He was probably exhausted with all the drama. You need to learn to chill out.

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