How do you stop loving someone who was inexplicably cruel to you?
It’s a long story, but we finally got together after he messed me around for the best part of a year. When i say I have never loved someone so strongly in my whole life, it doesn’t do justice for what I felt. He was like a drug to me, I couldn’t think of anything else, I worshipped this man and I would have done anything, anything to make it work with him.
But after he messed me around so much, by time we got together, my trust was low and we knew we needed to work on building our relationship up, we both knew it’d be hard work but the feelings we had made it worth it.
When we were together it was genuinely like nothing I have ever experienced. And it was the same for us both (apparently). I know the difference between sex and making love because of him, the intensity of it, if you’ve felt this way then you know what I’m talking about. The ecstasy of being intimate with someone you love so ferociously is like nothing else on earth.
I asked him to do one thing for me. To never go off grid again and leave me in the dark wondering where I stood, to never ever let me fall asleep wondering where he was or what was going on, and whether I still mattered. He promised he wouldn’t, he also promised he’d never break my heart again. But he did it again, and out of respect for myself and realising he would never develop empathy (he’s 42, he won’t change now) I ended the relationship. I finally blew up, big time, I completely lost my sh1t. All the thoughts, feelings and anger I’d held back on previous occasions when he’d deeply hurt me poured out of me in the most vicious, vitriolic manner. I told him he was a compulsive liar and a narcissist, I told him to drop dead, I even called him the C word - and I meant every single word of it. The pain he caused me was unbearable. The pain was so raw and unbearable because the love I felt for him was so intense.
But I had to end it - this was probably the 6th or 7th time he’d hurt me deeply. Here’s the kicker - he didn’t even fight for us/me. He just let me go. This man who (in his words) worshipped me, would do anything for me, had never felt so besotted with someone, wanted to spend his life with me, wanted to marry me one day, wanted to be stepfather to my daughter and love her every bit as much as he loved me because she was a part of me, just walked away with barely a tear.
This was 5 months ago and whilst I am able to function and laugh again, the feel of him, the love I had for him and the love he declared to have in return have left a hole in my life that I’m scared will never be filled.
If I can’t love that deeply again I never want to be with anyone else, because nothing will compare. Although he was cruel in his unthinking, and he was a narcissist and a liar, he was also loving, and sweet, emotional and deeply feeling. He was tactile and complimentary, when he looked at me I knew he worshipped me as I did him.
When I ended it he said he didn’t fight because he found my reaction to his terrible treatment to be ‘abusive’ (verbally). So he used my emotional response to the pain he caused me as a reason it all fell apart.
But I simply cannot stop loving him. And hating him at the same time. I need there to be a light at the end of this. I have so much love in me, so much to give. Please tell me I’ll feel again, I just need to feel, I am so numb.