Will my heart ever unbreak?

[Corastiredmummy]

How do you stop loving someone who was inexplicably cruel to you?

It’s a long story, but we finally got together after he messed me around for the best part of a year. When i say I have never loved someone so strongly in my whole life, it doesn’t do justice for what I felt. He was like a drug to me, I couldn’t think of anything else, I worshipped this man and I would have done anything, anything to make it work with him.
But after he messed me around so much, by time we got together, my trust was low and we knew we needed to work on building our relationship up, we both knew it’d be hard work but the feelings we had made it worth it.
When we were together it was genuinely like nothing I have ever experienced. And it was the same for us both (apparently). I know the difference between sex and making love because of him, the intensity of it, if you’ve felt this way then you know what I’m talking about. The ecstasy of being intimate with someone you love so ferociously is like nothing else on earth.
I asked him to do one thing for me. To never go off grid again and leave me in the dark wondering where I stood, to never ever let me fall asleep wondering where he was or what was going on, and whether I still mattered. He promised he wouldn’t, he also promised he’d never break my heart again. But he did it again, and out of respect for myself and realising he would never develop empathy (he’s 42, he won’t change now) I ended the relationship. I finally blew up, big time, I completely lost my sh1t. All the thoughts, feelings and anger I’d held back on previous occasions when he’d deeply hurt me poured out of me in the most vicious, vitriolic manner. I told him he was a compulsive liar and a narcissist, I told him to drop dead, I even called him the C word - and I meant every single word of it. The pain he caused me was unbearable. The pain was so raw and unbearable because the love I felt for him was so intense.
But I had to end it - this was probably the 6th or 7th time he’d hurt me deeply. Here’s the kicker - he didn’t even fight for us/me. He just let me go. This man who (in his words) worshipped me, would do anything for me, had never felt so besotted with someone, wanted to spend his life with me, wanted to marry me one day, wanted to be stepfather to my daughter and love her every bit as much as he loved me because she was a part of me, just walked away with barely a tear.
This was 5 months ago and whilst I am able to function and laugh again, the feel of him, the love I had for him and the love he declared to have in return have left a hole in my life that I’m scared will never be filled.

If I can’t love that deeply again I never want to be with anyone else, because nothing will compare. Although he was cruel in his unthinking, and he was a narcissist and a liar, he was also loving, and sweet, emotional and deeply feeling. He was tactile and complimentary, when he looked at me I knew he worshipped me as I did him.
When I ended it he said he didn’t fight because he found my reaction to his terrible treatment to be ‘abusive’ (verbally). So he used my emotional response to the pain he caused me as a reason it all fell apart.

But I simply cannot stop loving him. And hating him at the same time. I need there to be a light at the end of this. I have so much love in me, so much to give. Please tell me I’ll feel again, I just need to feel, I am so numb.

I can fully agree I wasn't happy and it certainly wasn't sustainable. I'd have lost my mind. Well I did, temporarily, but it's back now. My mum and dad always say to me 'love doesn't hurt, if it hurts, it's not love' shoulda listened!

I'm reading all the replies here and at no point is anyone holding OP accountable for her own behaviour. I'm sorry but you sound incredibly intense, dramatic and draining. It seems you are making this relationship to sound like a unique cosmic experience but the fact is you got played and took you too long to realise.

Bless your heart. I really deeply feel for you and I know your pain.
I know without question or doubt that I wouldn't let this man back in my life ever again, more so for the fact I couldn't be fully present for my daughter who deserves the world from me.
The problem with time being a healer is that it also allows you to forget how awful that person is, how painful it was to be with them, how disrespectful and hurtful their behaviour was. And then they come back and that rush is so intense because you somehow only remember the good. The push & pull is dizzying. When the highs are so high they become addictive, but they are probably only as high as they are because the lows are so low, you know?
Get rid of him once and for all. You can do this ♥️

Is your username a happy coincidence or did you create it just to reply to this thread?

I feel for you. It's codependency. I know, I am one. And it's a pattern... just see this as a wake up call to learning new ways to be in a relationship that is reciprocal and where you have healthy boundaries. It's really hard and painful where you are now. Do you have support?

Thank you for both of your comments, really appreciate your kindness ♥️♥️♥️

In what way am I wrong though? I'm not being unkind? Your wording is dramatic and you do sound hard work? You don't seem to accept that you accepted his behaviour time and time again and remain surprised or disappointed when he repeats it? Most of us have been through all of this. It sucks. No need for such angst. You got played. There is no reason for his behaviour and no logical reason for you putting up with it but you did. Move on when you feel able to.

I do, I have so much support and I'm really lucky. My life is generally great and I'm very good at focusing on the positives.
But you know sometimes those feelings creep in and I miss him more than I really know how to deal with. And something will happen and it'll remind me of him, I hear a song I know he'll like and I wish I could text him. I won't because frankly I know what he is and I'm also a stubborn cow so I'll never let him know he still takes up space in my brain (that ego does not need to be fed anymore)
Today was one of those days, just thinking and thinking and thinking until I put this post out there. And once I've fully moved on and he's a distant memory, I hope all these kind comments will help someone else dealing with this type of relationship/person ♥️

I didn't call you unkind or say you're wrong, did I?
I agree I was an idiot for putting up with shitty treatment and expecting he'd change.
But when you are genuine with your feelings you don't expect that they are not.
It took far longer than it should to realise that when actions don't marry with words you have to let go.
That doesn't make it less painful though. And everything I said in the original post about how it felt he said exactly the same. So again, you wouldn't expect someone to say those things unless they mean them.

OP you have to be cruel to your heart to be kind to your mental health. It hurts like hell living in a self made drama.
You have to walk. He doesn't love you that's what he wants you to believe he does. However the truth appears to be he only loves himself.
Please be good to yourself OP. You know what you need to do. Be strong.

I get this. I've been here. Someone told me it was limerence, rather that love and I think, now I’m on the other side of it they're right.

In the end I felt completely responsible for him and anything he did. Felt like something bad would happen to him if I wasn't in his life, and in feeling that way, I put up with some awful behaviour from him (which I then blamed myself for). I ended it because he did something bad in front of my children (again, I blamed myself). If I could have not finished with him, I wouldn't have. He on the other hand, had a new gf within days (yes, actually less than a week). I could not get over him.

Around a year later, we bumped into each other at a party. He and his gf were on a break, I still wanted him. We ended up involved again. It was honestly like someone switched off my feelings for him. I didn't want the responsibility, the hassle, the walking on egg shells. I didn't want any of it. I ended it before it even really began. I of course got a lot of grief from him for this. He actually ended up in hospital, he said it was all down to me, I knew I didn't want to go through any of this again, so rode it out. Was strong, didn't back down and it ended.

I have now met someone and I have to say, I was worried I would feel like you, that nothing would compare to that love. I even started a thread on here about different kinds of love.. actually though, I don't want that kind of relationship again. I’m so much better off now, my partner is amazing and I have absolutely no doubt he loves me without an ounce of drama. It's such a harmonious, lovely relationship and I’m the happiest I've ever been.

It's still so raw at the moment. Allow yourself time to grieve. And it is grief. Don't rush into anything else, you'd just be chasing that feeling and you know deep down it's not healthy. It's a cliche, but it time is a healer, it does get easier.

Thank you ♥️ I'm staying strong, I have zero intention of ever contacting this guy again. You're so damn right, mental health has to be the priority and for the longest time it wasn't - it was SO damaging. But the feelings were so strong and (for me) so honest and real that it's a lot to deal with. It's not easy to turn off feelings when you're a genuine person...I guess it is when you're a narcissist hu 😞

Thank you. Bless you too. I think you’re getting some very unfair comments here and some unnecessary ones - you are not unhinged. You’ve been in a toxic relationship and it takes its toll.

I am determined to be stronger this time. I hope you can be too xx

I've been there too. My heart was well and truly broken but I got over it and now I can't stand to even hear his name said. My grief and upset has turned to hate.
The only difference is that my one gave me a baby. It was our baby, made with love or so I thought, except he left 2 months before baby was born. Never saw or heard of him again. Now I realise his whole family are narcissistic, including his mother, sister and brothers.
I'll never give him headspace again.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share this with me and give your support ♥️ I'm so happy you've met someone lovely, you sound like such a good person - I feel like you totally get the feelings I had for this person and how he made me feel what we had was real.

I allowed him back in my life after he sent me pictures of empty wine bottles (he's actually t-total) and a trashed hotel room with blood all over the place telling me he can't cope, I'm the only one who makes it right, how he missed 'just the sound of my voice' 'the love of his life' etc etc

At the time when he sent me those messages, instead of seeing major red flags and pointing him in the direction of mental and health support and a hospital for stitches, I told him to come to my house. Silly me, believed I could help him to be the person he always said he wanted to be.
Now I imagine he probably Google image searched 'wrecked hotel room' just to get me to pay attention (by that point I had ignored him for a month as I was tired of the push & pull) Should have held steadfast and called someone close to him to support him instead of trying to 'save' him myself. Lessons learned.
Thank you again for your kind words and helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel ♥️

Jesus Christ, I feel for you - that's awful. You're amazing for being so strong and not giving them headspace. I can even tell by your reply and the way it's worded that they are total non-entities to you. Your child is lucky to have a strong mother. Wishing you lots of happiness ♥️

@Corastiredmummy thanks. It was tough in the beginning and I now realise I let him ruin the first year of my child's life by being sad and basically thinking about him and wondering why he did what he did. This was almost 9 years ago and since then his mother tells me he's gone on to have 5 other children with 4 other women. So 6 children with 5 different women. You couldn't make it up.

@Backtoblack1 it's ok, some people understand and for others I imagine there's a frustration there of knowing some people (like me!) put up with terrible treatment and keep going back for more. Everyone has their reasons for their responses and sometimes it's more about their own life experiences than what they've read of anybody else's. I guess I've poured my heart out in a public forum, and with that comes all manner of responses, it's all good. Most people have been really kind and others have given me a bit of brutal honesty - perhaps needed?! 🤷🏼‍♀️
If that ass hat ever comes back into your life please remind yourself of the peace that comes from being without him. There is absolutely nothing more valuable, mentally, than your own peace of mind xx

He will end up alone and lonely, believe me, he will. And you'll forever have the love of the child you have raised single handedly. And we know there is absolutely no love that compares with being a mother ♥️
This guy has no social media at all and I once joked that it was perhaps because there'd be too many children come out of the woodwork...he really REALLY didn't appreciate that joke 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Corastiredmummy I found in the year we were apart, I focused a lot on the nice feelings and forgot the bad ones. I started a list in my phone of all the bad things about him and when I was feeling weak or romanticising our relationship, I read my list back and/or added to it.

I felt terrible when he ended up in hospital. It was his own doing though. He told me he had no where to stay and slept on the streets, but his family were willing to put him up. It was all just to get at me. If someone is willing to sleep on a park bench just to make someone else feel bad, there is something really wrong with them.

I know you've been told repeatedly, don't let him back in. No matter what the reason/excuse is. He's played you before, which you can acknowledge yourself. Every time you go backwards, you're making it harder. You've taken control, keep it going x

Some harsh comments aren't useful. Some are. Yours actually is, and I think you're right on both points.

Look up Caroline Strawson. She is an expert in narcissistic abuse and how to get over it. She has lots of free resources on Facebook and YouTube x

So when you are in a relationship and it goes smoothly and you don’t get rejected or hurt you call it love, but when you get hurt or rejected in a relationship you call it limerence or infatuation? I think these are just fancy names for getting hurt but it’s still love. Some people don’t want to call it love because it would be too painful for them to admit that the person they loved didn’t love them back the same way. Calling it any other name will not make it less painful.

Yes, this absolutely! All the things he said had me fully immersed because it wasn't just me feeling the things I was feeling - I got the standard 'we are soulmates' 'no one gets me the way you do and no one ever has' 'I never knew it could feel like this' 'I will never love anyone like this' 'I can't do life without you' and sooo much more. He even got the name of our song tattooed across his collar bones, who does that if they're not in it. So hopefully it's clear to see how and why I believed him...I think a part of him believed it himself because he liked the person he created as part of the act. It's so messed up.