New Man - feel weird and awkward after last night.

[EasterEggs22]

Morning all. I’ve been following the relationships board for a while now and have seen some great advice given to others, so I’m hoping you can all help me too. Hopefully this makes sense..

I recently started seeing/meeting up with a man that I met off tinder around a month ago. Very early days I know. For context, I’m 26 and he’s 32, no kids and both work full time. We’ve met around 9-10 times at various locations for walks, food and coffee dates (last night was the first time at my house) as we live over an hour away from each other, but both of us drive so it’s not really an issue. We get on very well, have lots in common, he makes me laugh, seems really kind and sweet (last night he turned up with a bunch of flowers and an Easter egg in hand). I do like him and have enjoyed spending time with him over the last few weeks.

Last night didn’t go to plan at all and I’ve woken up this morning feeling really disappointed about it. He was working until 1pm and then decided to go and play golf with a friend for a few hours afterwards. He didn’t actually get to my house until 8pm. I’d gone out to the shops and bought us some bits to have for tea, so I was just waiting around for him. By the time he arrived it was too late to actually do anything other than have food and watch a film. I wrongly presumed that he was staying the night as he didn’t arrive until late, had a long drive back and also brought a bag filled with clothes. We went up to bed around 10 and had sex for the first time. For context, I’m not on any contraceptives at the minute as I’ve been single for 3 years and haven’t had sex in over a year, so I bought some condoms yesterday just in case.

I explained this to him before we started having sex and he put a condom on. We got a bit carried away and (sorry, TMI) he took the condom off in between us having sex so I could give him a blowjob but we stupidly forgot/didn’t put the condom back on to have sex again. He pulled out to ejaculate, but I know that there is pre ejaculation to consider. He was in a panic straight afterwards, saying he was worried I might get pregnant, he’s not ready for kids yet. I told him I would buy the morning after pill (ordered it online in front of him) and said try not to worry. He told me that he’d dated/slept with women in the past who lied and said they were pregnant just to keep the relationship going, so he was worried it might happen again (I won’t lie, this comment pissed me off because it felt like he was accusing me of doing something like that). For context, I don’t want kids yet either. I actually became pregnant when I was 15 with my first boyfriend and suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It changed my life and I’ve always said I don’t want kids until I’ve met the right person/been with them a long time. Even though this is very personal to me and I don’t talk about it very often, if ever, I told him as I thought it might reassure him that I don’t want children yet and that I’m not out to trap him with a baby or whatever he was thinking. This wasn’t good enough though as he just kept going on about it all night, even though I’d done everything I could (ordering the pill) in that moment.

Anyway, the rest of the night was so bloody awkward. We just lay in bed watching tv, barely spoke a word to each other, other than him asking me about when the shop would be open again so I could pick up the pill. He didn’t even touch me/cuddle me after sex, and then announced at 11 that he was going home as he needed to be up early the next morning to visit his cousin. I told him he could stay over and just get up earlier if that was easier but he said he didn’t want to wake me up really early. I think that was an excuse though just so he could get out. I’ve woken up this morning to an email from the doctor at Superdrug authorising the order but it won’t be available until Tuesday to collect. I naively thought it would be ready by tomorrow, and I’m due to go away tomorrow night for work and won’t be back until late Tuesday evening, so I have sent a message to the doctor explaining all of this. The only thing I can do is go in there tomorrow to see if I can speak to someone, and maybe try Boots as well.

I’ve told him all of this, and we have been speaking as normal today but it still feels really awkward. It’s not the way I thought the night would go, especially since it was our first time having sex. But I do understand his worries. I wonder if he feels awkward too. I’m also concerned that every time we’ve met up it’s always been during the evening for a few hours. Not that I think he’s after me for just sex, because we’ve spent time doing other things too, but he always goes out with his friends after work and then meets me in the evening for a few hours. Today he’s gone out with his friend, and tomorrow he’s decided to take an extra shift at work, and didn’t bother to ask me what I was doing/or if I wanted to do anything with him. I’ve only just noticed this because I normally work until 5pm, so meeting up at night has worked really well for us so far, but I’ve been off work this week and it’s been the same thing. I’m worried it will be like this on weekends, and I don’t want a relationship where we just see each other for a few hours at night. I want to go out and do things together during the day as well. He has been really trying this morning to keep the conversation going, but I’m worried he’s just doing that until I get the pill and then he’s going to end things. Should I get in there first and let him know I don’t think it’s going to work out, but will obviously let him know when I’ve collected and taken the tablet? I do really like him, and feel so disappointed it’s ended up like this.

Sorry, this thread is a lot longer than I expected but I didn’t want to drip feed and there are a few issues to think about.

TIA

@EasterEggs22 have you ever been to his house? Seen his friends? Spoke with him on the phone when his with 'friends'. Hope the pharmacy 50 mins away has the MAp for you! X

Best of luck OP. Let us know when you’ve taken it, then treat yourself to cake!

Good luck at the pharmacy and if you haven’t taken it before read the instructions as there may be something about no alcohol etc.

I suggest you wait 30 days then book a test for Herpes and other STI’s - it takes 30 days for the test to be able to detect Herpes. A private clinic service can offer a full screen for around £150 and it’s much more private than your GP.

Oh op what a shit day. Men are stupid fuckers. Get yourself a big bottle of wine on the way home and crack some of those Easter eggs open. I think you’re taking it well.

You know that things you've been googling stuff on and using to speak to 111 - you know, your phone? That can be used to phone pharmacies too if it was a little ambiguous as to whether a pharmacy was opening for Sunday hours on a...Sunday! But instead you've taken up someone's precious professional time by making them look that stuff up for you? I'd be more worried about your memory than an unwanted pregnancy...forgetting to put a condom on, forgetting what a phone can be used for...

@EasterEggs22

The NHS 'find a pharmacy' page DOES state the Easter Sunday opening hours. Have you even been arsed to look? Not sure why you are so angry and defensive, OR why you had to use NHS resources when you could have found an open pharmacy purely by using google!

You sound like hard work, and actually quite rude. People have done their best to help you on here, and you're being really shirty. What was the actual point of you even posting this thread? Looks like you get angry if people don't say what you want to hear!

Why is it only her responsibility to remember to put the condom back on? Not going on her body is it? He was the one who got all upset about it so he should have remembered too.

Some might say 'because SHE is the one who will end up pregnant, and raising a baby alone!'

You should have been on contraceptives the minute you knew you wanted to date again.
I don't understand this taking condom off for blowjob surely you do all your foreplay and when you've decided it's penetration time you do that until he cums. Was he going soft on you that you had to stimulate it with your mouth?
Condoms are expensive no way would I waste the just put them on properly when it's time to move on to fucking.
You're also a bit of doormat you let him come to yours so late, you were down on his list.
He's an absolute wanker and you need to choose better men and take your sexual health seriously.

@PrettyMaybug

No I do appreciate all the advice and support that has been given to me, especially the posters who understand that everyone makes mistakes and it's not just up to the woman to sort out contraception. Your comment got my back up because I do not want a baby (and I clearly mentioned that in my op and explained why due to the experience I had) and I have done everything I can today to sort out emergency contraception, but apparently I'm ignoring everyone's advice? A poster on here advised to call 111, but now I'm wasting NHS resources? Wow. Even the call handler didn't know which pharmacies were open and she looked herself on her system/NHS website, but I should have known somehow? I'm not repeating myself.

He doesn’t sound very kind. He could have supported you to call around pharmacies / offered to drive you etc. His lack of support today is consistent with him prioritising a friend’s company turning up to your place at 8pm when you’d made an effort and were looking forward to a nice evening together …. He’s not acting like he’s that interested in you.

It’s disappointing, but you deserve better. Take control and end it now.

And you didn't need to drive around you could have called pharmacies before setting out as there is always a pharmacy open. You can take the MAP 72 hours later but the longer you wait the less effective. You say you don't want a baby but you don't act like it. Get on the pill or IUD or something.

@grumpycow1 so OP is just a passive bystander and has no responsibility to look after her own body and wellbeing? Who said it was her sole responsibility? I certainly didn't so I don't know why you're quoting me out of all the others literally saying that. But, if you insist that I make a choice, then yes, it is OP's sole responsibility to make wise choices about who puts a bare penis into her vagina if she absolutely, totally 100% does not want to get pregnant and or catch am STI. If you don't get that, then I'm absolutely missing something here, my bad

Wow, no way would I want to see a man like this again - he's dreadful.

I would be surprised if he forgot about the condom, some men are chancers, and irregardless of him not wanting kids, would have seen an opportunity to have unprotected sex and then freaked out afterwards, which is exactly what he did.

Hi OP, sorry, what a mess.

The main thing I take away from this is that you were the one who made sure contraception was available whereas he a, failed to make sure to use it and b, then put all the burden of dealing with this failure on you.

Why the hell would he have penetrative sex without a condom if he's so hung up on the possibility of pregnancy? And then indulge dark suspicions of your motives? Doesn't sit right at all.

BTW. Haven't rtft, sorry if this has been said numerous times before. The first few comments didn't seem to go there.

@EasterEggs22 so basically he rocks up at 8pm, has unprotected sex with you, panics, bails at 11pm, makes you feel shit and leaves you to deal with it all. I think he has shown you exactly who he is, I would be getting the MAP and ending things as of now.

I remember being in a similar situation. The bloke I was seeing drove me to get the MAP and was mortified for me that it was necessary. He was very caring and wrote a message of apology after (even though it wasn't wholly his fault). The relationship didn't work out for other reasons, but he did handle the situation well. That's what you want when the chips are down, rather than someone who makes it all about him.
Hope you're ok

@Dontbelieveaword I did phone some pharmacies this morning, but thank you so much for your rude and condescending comment. Much appreciated.

But SHE isn’t the one getting shirty about it, he is?? He’s there accusing her of trying to trap him. If he was that bothered he should have remembered, simple. Not sure why you’re so keen on bashing the OP here, maybe you forgot the point of their original question.

You can just phone the pharmacies and they’ll tell you what time they’re open til today in future.

I think people just find it frustrating that for 2 people so against children, neither prioritised contraception. He’s a dick though, get rid.

We got a bit carried away and (sorry, TMI) he took the condom off in between us having sex so I could give him a blowjob but we stupidly forgot/didn’t put the condom back on to have sex again. He pulled out to ejaculate, but I know that there is pre ejaculation to consider. He was in a panic straight afterwards, saying he was worried I might get pregnant, he’s not ready for kids yet. I told him I would buy the morning after pill (ordered it online in front of him) and said try not to worry. He told me that he’d dated/slept with women in the past who lied and said they were pregnant just to keep the relationship going, so he was worried it might happen again (I won’t lie, this comment pissed me off because it felt like he was accusing me of doing something like that).

This is totally unacceptable from him OP.
He sought to blame you for HIS lack of care about contraception. He's the one with a penis, he's the one that's responsible for putting another condom back on it.
He's banging on about not wanting to risk conception - yet HE took that risk, then guilt-tripped you for it. He WAS accusing you with that comment, & he decided to make things even more awkward by refusing to touch or cuddle, & not talking except to harangue you about the MAP.

He then left early & of course it was an excuse. He brought a bag of clothes, he'd planned to stay! Instead, he made a drama out of a totally manageable small crisis, made you feel bad, & punished you by leaving.

The reference to previous g/f's trying to entrap him with a pregnancy is a huge, stinking red flag. You are not those women. He is out of order for associating you with them. It's no different to "my ex cheated, so I am going to make my past your problem by weaponising it as an excuse to control you. I will question your every move & get jealous when you smile at a barman, but it will somehow be YOUR fault for not complying with my insane demands."

I'd dump him for that alone because it shows a horribly controlling mindset.
He's not mature enough to control his own contraception, so he's not mature enough to date you.
Don't be the next woman he blames for the last one's "behaviour", or the woman he punishes for his own problems.

@DancingDrunk I did phone some pharmacies this morning but none were open/answering the phone, that's why I tried 111 after another poster kindly advised me to.

I did buy condoms yesterday just incase and I've spent all day trying to sort it out. I'm not sure how I haven't prioritised this?

Yes the MAP can be taken 72 hours after UPSI but the efficacy is much higher the sooner it is taken. I think at 72 hours it is only 58% effective.

You could also get a coil fitted.

The guy sounds like a dick.

He told me that he’d dated/slept with women in the past who lied and said they were pregnant just to keep the relationship going

sounds like he is not a fan of contraception. He knew be had no condom on. He didnt forget, or he wouldnt have pulled out.

he has slipped you for a few hours on his bank holiday weekend. Youre not important to him or worth any more effort than that to him. Even after he knowingly caused you to have added stress. He could be involved, or he could be a knob. Or both.

@JMSA thank you for your kind comment. I'm glad to hear that you were given support during that time. I do drive, but luckily my friend offered to come with me and drive me there. We are just on our way now.