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Original poster

I'm leaving a note for him

56 replies

NotWifeForLife · 08/04/2023 23:32

After 9 years of marriage and 2 DC, I've fallen out of love with my husband. For months we have slept in separate beds, sat in separate rooms and avoided so much as a lingering look between each other. It came to a head the other night and he came and spoke to me about it. I told him that he is my best friend and I do care about him but I can't go back to feigning love and affection for his sake. I told him we should split so that he can find someone who truly loves him and will give him what he want yet the conversation ended with him saying he loves me and he won't let me go so he'll live his life like this. I have taken so time to write him a letter which I plan to leave for him tomorrow. I've made it clear I want to separate and I'm sorry for hurting him but can we try and be amicable for the sake of DC. I think I'm just wondering if this is cowardly? I don't want to have another conversation where he just hears what he wants to here and charade continues. Help? Advice? Thanks

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 08/04/2023 23:35

I don't think it's cowardly of you and I think it's good that you've written it all down as you've been able to think clearly about what to put

However, speaking from experience, it was only when I put wheels in motion and started the process of separating that my exH understood that I was serious. He just naively thought I would carry on plodding for ever more.

Sittwritt · 08/04/2023 23:39

It’s what happens to every marriage at this stage. Either you choose each other all over again or you quit only to find that cycle of loving can scientifically last 7 yrs all up till the chemicals die down. Best of luck either way.

Dery · 08/04/2023 23:41

Okay but what does “fallen out of love” mean? It’s such a ‘moonlight and roses’ term and makes me wonder how realistic you are about the emotions that come with a long-term relationship.

You presumably loved this man enough to marry him and have children so are you sure he’s the problem or have you somewhat lost yourself and the couple relationship as a result of the early years of parenting (in which case, you might be able to find each other and the relationship again)?

But yes, if you’re sure the love is irretrievably gone and conversations have been fruitless, then I think putting it in a letter is fair.

EveYorkshire · 08/04/2023 23:48

It definitely sounds like there is more to this than you're letting on, OP.

Has your head been turned by another?

Rosecottage888 · 09/04/2023 00:00

Give him the letter and let him read it but wait and have a conversation about it.

Don't just leave it for him, that is definitely cowardly!

Exhibity · 09/04/2023 00:03

can you put your finger on why you don't love him anymore?

Livinghappy · 09/04/2023 00:06

What effort have you put into your marriage? All relationships have periods of lack of closeness but if there is no abuse they can be worked through.

Are you interested in someone else?

vdbfamily · 09/04/2023 00:07

One of the safest things I ever hear or read is people saying their partner is their best friend but they no longer love them.
It is crap. Love is not a feeling, it is an action. This Hollywood view of romance with butterflies in your stomach etc is not sustainable for any marriage.
What you build together and your memories and your plans are what are important.
You are married to your best friend. Do you know how lucky that makes you? Do you know how many women don't even get on with their partners that well? Just read MN.
Wake up tomorrow and DECIDE you are going to love him again. Behave towards him as if you care deeply. Work on your relationship. At the very least get some marriage counseling before you give up on a man that loves you.

vdbfamily · 09/04/2023 00:07

saddest things

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2023 00:08

It sure doesn't sound as though he's your best friend.

Stillwearingskinnys · 09/04/2023 00:09

I don’t think this is right.

Can you imagine being married for 9 years and having kids together, to come home to a note!!

The utter despair and frustration of not being able to talk it through at least. He deserves for you to listen to him. You don’t have to stay with him.

I think it is extremely cowardly and a selfish move to put him in this situation. Poor fella

sadieshavingashindig · 09/04/2023 00:12

Nah, if he was your best friend you wouldn't be leaving him a note. Yes, it's cowardly.

MyLoveIsYourLove0xO · 09/04/2023 00:20

A best friend wouldn't just leave a note

Oursenpeluche · 09/04/2023 00:21

It's not the letter that makes you look bad OP.

RememberNancyDrew · 09/04/2023 00:35

Don't write a note - "She dumped me with a note..." will be what he says, never elaborating on the fact it was in conjunction with an actual conversation.

Zanatdy · 09/04/2023 06:43

If you’re going to leave him the note, you need to follow it up with a proper conversation. My ex and I used to communicate like this, emails. It took 12yrs for us to have a proper talk about everything that went wrong. So many assumptions on each part as we didn’t communicate it. Why didn’t you do x? I didn’t know you wanted that, etc. I think a marriage breakdown deserves more than a letter. It’s fine as a starting point. This guy is going to be broken, you need to make sure it’s definitely over for you. The grass isn’t always greener

Susieb2023 · 09/04/2023 07:31

‘Fallen out of love’, ‘he’s my best friend’ - honestly I’m with the posters who believe love is a verb not a feeling. People wrecking their families because they don’t get butterflies anymore, honestly.

But, don’t give your husband of nine years and father of your children a note, be a grown up and speak to him. Yes it’s selfish and childish.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/04/2023 07:42

Sittwritt · 08/04/2023 23:39

It’s what happens to every marriage at this stage. Either you choose each other all over again or you quit only to find that cycle of loving can scientifically last 7 yrs all up till the chemicals die down. Best of luck either way.

I agree with this. DH and I have been together for 20 years now, and over that time there's been more than one occasion when we've come close to splitting.

Yet every time we've chosen each and stayed and worked on things tell we've got back to a good place. I love him deeply - and yes, in a "best friends" way, not in a "butterflies in my stomach" way, and that's brilliant. It means we are each other's back up, always. We put each other first. We work as a team, and we know what we need from each other. We chose each other, and we keep choosing each other.

Would you at least consider marriage counselling? DH and I wouldn't have made it two years without it.

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/04/2023 08:31

Um, she's had the, "We need to separate and this is why" conversation: the letter is just reconfirming what's already been said. He isn't being dumped by letter.

As a PP has said, OP, you just need to get the wheels in motion with seeing a solicitor. He will keep his head in the sand until he starts to see that you are now taking formal steps to end the relationship.

Original poster
NotWifeForLife · 09/04/2023 08:46

Thanks for all the very honest advice. I'm not interested in any other man. I've been on antidepressants for several years and wonder if they are making me feel the way I do. We have had a discussion already but he was only hearing what he wanted to hear. I know he deserves better and I would like to say I know why I feel like this but I don't. I've tried to be happy with him and make a conscious effort to be affectionate hoping that it becomes natural again but it doesn't. I have considered marriage counselling, I think it would be good to be able to talk to someone. He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from.

OP posts:
MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/04/2023 08:50

"He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from."

Well this puts a very different spin on things! How has he cut you off from your friends? That's concerning.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/04/2023 09:08

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/04/2023 08:50

"He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from."

Well this puts a very different spin on things! How has he cut you off from your friends? That's concerning.

I agree. He's fine this, yet it's YOU who thinks HE deserves better?
There's more than just cutting you off from people who might just tell you what's really going on, I'll warrant.
But YOU'VE made the decision to leave, be strong and don't let him guilt you into staying. Whatever he may or may not deserve, you deserve better too.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/04/2023 09:09

He's fine this

Should read 'he's done this'.
Sorry, I have sausages for fingers this morning.

WunWun · 09/04/2023 09:10

So you're going to leave the children? Or take the children out without saying goodbye to their dad?? Out of their home?

shutthewindownow · 09/04/2023 09:11

Who's the new guy then ?

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