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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm leaving a note for him

56 replies

NotWifeForLife · 08/04/2023 23:32

After 9 years of marriage and 2 DC, I've fallen out of love with my husband. For months we have slept in separate beds, sat in separate rooms and avoided so much as a lingering look between each other. It came to a head the other night and he came and spoke to me about it. I told him that he is my best friend and I do care about him but I can't go back to feigning love and affection for his sake. I told him we should split so that he can find someone who truly loves him and will give him what he want yet the conversation ended with him saying he loves me and he won't let me go so he'll live his life like this. I have taken so time to write him a letter which I plan to leave for him tomorrow. I've made it clear I want to separate and I'm sorry for hurting him but can we try and be amicable for the sake of DC. I think I'm just wondering if this is cowardly? I don't want to have another conversation where he just hears what he wants to here and charade continues. Help? Advice? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

NotWifeForLife · 09/04/2023 12:11

Sorry for drip feeding. I didn't include it in my OP because I believe I'm the problem, not him. I want him to be free of me. I do have family, he's never really taken to them either now that I think about it. Again, something I've overlooked because I loved him and wanted to do and say the right things by him. I'm not going to leave a letter, I'm going to speak to my parents while he is at work and figure out a plan then I'm going to tell him to his face that we need to separate. I don't think he'd be physical but I expect he'll try to manipulate me emotionally to stay with him.

OP posts:

Sittwritt · 09/04/2023 12:32

It sounds an unhealthy relationship should not be like this.

SuperficiallyUnintelligent · 09/04/2023 18:04

He will not leave you alone, but he will act like you could disappear like a fart in the wind and he couldn’t give a shit. Be prepared, but don’t change your mind.

billy1966 · 09/04/2023 18:14

You are rightfully trying to leave a highly controlling abusive relationship.

Talk to family and get a plan in place.

Can you pack and leave without telling him?

This is not a good man.

You owe him NOTHING.

Abuse changes everything.

Get paperwork, finances, pay slips, passports, pensions etc., together and give them to trusted family.

Pack up your valuable sentimental things, childs favourite toys.

Give them to family.

A letter is fine.

Be prepared to involve the police.

He has deliberately controlled you for years, so you owe him nothing.

Get out as safely as you can.

Speak to Women's aid for advice and support.

gamerchick · 09/04/2023 18:16

Sittwritt · 08/04/2023 23:39

It’s what happens to every marriage at this stage. Either you choose each other all over again or you quit only to find that cycle of loving can scientifically last 7 yrs all up till the chemicals die down. Best of luck either way.

Eh. Been married to mine 13 years and still get butterflies when he's due home or I am. It certainly doesn't happen to all marriages

newyearsresolurion · 09/04/2023 18:30

If you're unhappy get out for sure you only get one life

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