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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm leaving a note for him

56 replies

NotWifeForLife · 08/04/2023 23:32

After 9 years of marriage and 2 DC, I've fallen out of love with my husband. For months we have slept in separate beds, sat in separate rooms and avoided so much as a lingering look between each other. It came to a head the other night and he came and spoke to me about it. I told him that he is my best friend and I do care about him but I can't go back to feigning love and affection for his sake. I told him we should split so that he can find someone who truly loves him and will give him what he want yet the conversation ended with him saying he loves me and he won't let me go so he'll live his life like this. I have taken so time to write him a letter which I plan to leave for him tomorrow. I've made it clear I want to separate and I'm sorry for hurting him but can we try and be amicable for the sake of DC. I think I'm just wondering if this is cowardly? I don't want to have another conversation where he just hears what he wants to here and charade continues. Help? Advice? Thanks

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 09/04/2023 09:16

Not cowardly. You’ve had the convo and he knows where you stand.

You also deserve the opportunity to find real, long lasting love.

Relationships come to an end. It’s healthy & doesn’t need an explanation or excuse for you to leave. You’re not happy. It’s done.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/04/2023 09:16

Has he really cut you off from your friends, OP? Or have you and they just drifted apart, because your lives have changed and maybe you are not on the same page anymore? Or have they stopped thrilling you as well?

please , please consider trying marriage counselling or even individual therapy to try to get to better place inside yourself. The fact that you have had mood problems seems to indicate that you may need some more ,or a different sort, of help.

It sounds as if your husband really loves you, so he would be willing to engage sincerely with any help you both can find. Don’t throw away what you have without fighting for it ( even if it is yourself you are fighting).

I wish you all the best.

WunWun · 09/04/2023 09:18

WunWun · 09/04/2023 09:10

So you're going to leave the children? Or take the children out without saying goodbye to their dad?? Out of their home?

To be clear, I 100% think you should split up. I just think you need to consider the children in how you do it

HomeTheatreSystem · 09/04/2023 09:34

He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from.

Which may be why you are depressed. He has isolated you from your support network.

Please read " Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and see if there are any behaviours described which you recognise in him. If you do a search on mumsnet, there is a free PDF version available or you can buy it online. There are other resources on domestic abuse on mumsnet and via Women's Aid. He doesn't have to be physical with you for it to be abuse. **
**

CovertImage · 09/04/2023 09:38

He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from

That's a bit of a drip feed. So he's not really your best friend then, he's a manipulative arsehole

Original poster
NotWifeForLife · 09/04/2023 09:49

When we first got together, one of my closest friends told me she got a bad feeling about him and is very much a straight talker so said as much to him. He told me to choose between her and him and I was so besotted I chose him. Over the last few years I've made a couple of new friends. One wanted to have coffee and regular play dates as we both a child with Sen. He didn't like that she was taking my time and attention away from him so I stopped seeing her or replying to her calls and texts. The other new friend was single, we had a lot in common and she was getting over her partner leaving her. He said she wasn't welcome in our home and he wouldn't be happy if I went out with her. Writing that actually sounds ridiculous but I've spent the last 12 years trying to please him. I would never keep our children from him nor would I leave my children behind.

OP posts:
mrsblueskyeye · 09/04/2023 09:53

Genuine question - what kind of life do you hope to have in the future? I have been married for nigh on 30 years and I love my husband as a best friend. No sex for years but neither of us are bothered by that but we are both happy with our lives. If you want moonlight and music fine, but eventually that too will fade, will you keep splitting when reality sets each time? Obviously you need to do what you feels best but just be aware the grass isn't always greener - in fact sometimes the grass is just green stones...

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/04/2023 09:54

Then I would like to completely change my previous advice, please. This does not sound like a relationship worth saving.

Sittwritt · 09/04/2023 10:06

He sounds a narc. Good riddance.

Catwithbigfeet · 09/04/2023 10:15

“He’s cut you off from your friends”

Did he actually?
How did he ?
Or did you and your friends just grow apart ?

Is there a back story to this that you haven’t told us about ?
Has he been abusive ?

Catwithbigfeet · 09/04/2023 10:18

Sorry, I missed your last post
In that case, yes just leave him the note
Maybe see a solicitor first

Exhibity · 09/04/2023 10:31

Well, that's a bit of a drip feed.

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 10:41

"He's cut me off from my friends over the years so I don't have anyone to talk to or get advice from"

There it is, the crucial detail that wasn't in the first post. OP you made it sound that you'd just gone off him, but the fact that he isolated you and made your friends unwelcome makes a big difference.

Have you confronted him with this? If he's decided that your relationship is fine, he needs to be reminded of the things he's done to make it not fine.

SmileyClare · 09/04/2023 11:02

If you want a separation then plan practically.
What are you hoping to achieve with your letter?
Who will leave the family home? Will you put it on the market and split the proceeds? Will you share custody of the dc? What does your separation look like?

Your letter just repeats “feelings” you’ve already discussed.

Start planning the logistics of your divorce. It’s not much good just saying “I want to split up” it’s not going to magically happen. You have to facilitate it with action, propose to dh a plan on how it will work.

Persipan · 09/04/2023 11:16

I would never keep our children from him nor would I leave my children behind.

On a completely practical level, if you split from him and the first part of that is true then you will potentially have to adjust to a life where you spend substantial chunks of time away from your children. I don't mean that in a guilt-trippy way, and I know I'm stating the obvious, but I think sometimes it's helpful to spell out the reality of separating and what you envisage that looking like, and consider how things may go if what he envisages is different. Not saying that's a reason not to do it, but just something to consider.

5128gap · 09/04/2023 11:18

Honestly? After 9 years and two children, given hes done nothing wrong, you owe him more than a vague 'love you but not in love with you' note before you disappear into the sunset, presumably taking his children with you.
While I think everyone has the right to pursue their happiness, 9 years ago you vowed to stick with this man for life. You didn't add in a special 'unless he starts to feel more like a mate' clause, so I think it will take a lot of time for him to process and accept this, and you should have some consideration.
Nice as it would be to have him tidy himself away into a box marked 'ex husband and good mate' without inconveniencing you, it's a big ask of him, and the least you can do is spare him time for another conversation.

Dery · 09/04/2023 11:25

OP - that’s quite a drip feed. If he’s isolated you socially, that puts a whole different spin on things. It would have been worth mentioning that at the outset - you wouldn’t have had me and others telling you to work on the relationship in that case.

He sounds controlling and not a healthy partner for you. The depression might well lift if you’re away from him. If he has isolated you, I imagine there are other ways in which he has abused you, too. If so, he likely won’t co-operate with separation and you will need to do what you can to protect yourself.

pointythings · 09/04/2023 11:26

You really should have mentioned how controlling he is in your OP. Divorcing him is definitely the way to go here.

twolilacs · 09/04/2023 11:26

He didn't like that she was taking my time and attention away from him

Oh dear. That pretty much sums this up then. You need to leave, and there is absolutely no point in leaving any kind of note. Whenever you have previously tried to express your feelings, he has dismissed them out of hand. He is not your best friend. He has been controlling you for years.

I think counselling would be very good for you, but go by yourself and don't tell him you are going.

glitterfarts · 09/04/2023 11:27

If he's cut your friends off then he's likely coercive or controlling or abusive in other ways too.
Don't get marriage counselling. Call Womens Aid and I agree, leave him.

IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2023 11:31

Your updates paint a very different picture from your op.
Cutting you off from all your friends and attempting to reduce your world to him and him alone is abusive.

Do you think that he will try to physically prevent you from leaving?

RightWhereINeedToBe · 09/04/2023 11:35

This thread started off really fucking weirdly.

OP, it is FINE to leave a marriage you are obviously unhappy in; not sure where all the handmaidens came from this morning to make it sound unacceptable.

AhNowTed · 09/04/2023 11:39

Get back in touch with that friend and tell her she was right.

He has you in a cage OP.

I would guarantee he is controlling in other ways.

Absolutely leave that note and follow through.

Good luck.

Flowers
SmileyClare · 09/04/2023 11:40

Are you actually planning to leave? Do you have somewhere to go or do you envision living “separately” in the same house indefinitely?

Depression can certainly cloud your judgement. You don’t say how long you’ve been taking anti depressants but I’d advise not making any life changing decisions until your mental health is on a more even keel.

Why not reach out to one of your friends who you’ve fallen out of touch with? Or speak to family.
A support network around you is key to helping you through something like this x

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/04/2023 11:47

Your latest update is a game changer. He's a controlling abuser and probably the reason you're on antidepressants. Stop giving any thought whatsoever to what is best for him or what will make him happy because he doesn't do that for you.

I wouldn't bother leaving the note because frankly it will be a waste of time. At best he will simply read what he wants to read and ignore what you're trying to say. At worst, he will find some way to use it against you.

Also be ready for him to up the ante. He's got what he wants from you so far by using fairly soft controlling tactics and relying on your willingness to please him. Once he sees you're serious about leaving him, don't be surprised if he becomes a lot more vicious. I expect you are going to need support and I don't think it would be unreasonable to suggest you reach out to Women's Aid or similar organisations for an initial chat.