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Original poster

What would you do in this situation??

62 replies

LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:04

So I'm currently co-parenting my 5 year old son with my ex partner. We both have new partners. My partner has met my son over the past couple of months and they get on well and my partner is really good with him.

I work shifts and so does my ex, childcare can be a struggle at times. I asked my ex would he be okay with my new partner watching my son for around 2/3 hours as I was on a day shift and start at 07.30 and and ex would not be able to pick my son up until around 10am. (This was the first time my partner would have my little boy alone) My ex was completely fine with this and I explained to my son who was happy about it.

I rang my partner at around 09.30am to check everything was okay etc and he said yeah that they're both awake and just chilling out, my son was happy etc so I felt less worried. Come to 10.30am and I had missed calls off my ex saying nobody is answering the front door and my partners phone was off. I tried to ring my partner multiple times with no answer. I then got really worried as nobody has a spare key as I've only just recently moved house. I hsd to leave work to go all the way home as I was worried that something had happened etc.

On my way home my ex rang me and said that my little boy had come to the downstairs window and was knocking on but he wasn't crying etc and that my partner was nowhere to be seen. I told him to ask our little boy to open the door from the inside as it locks automatically on the outside. My boy managed to do this and all was fine except my partner was fast asleep upstairs !!!

My ex was obviously not happy about this, the same with me, as it didn't give a very good first impression. As I was already on my way home I decided to go and confront my partner as I was a little angry and so was my ex as our son is only 5.

My partner was in tears and completely heartbroken when I got there and very apologetic. He said that they both woke up this morning and he offered my son breakfast but he said he wasn't hungry just yet. My son then asked could he watch a video on his ipad and climbed into bed with my partner. My partner has then dozed off with my son next to him, but obviously hasn't heard the door or his phonecalls? He is quite a deep Sleeper but he is able to be woken if you are next to him telling him to wake up and he obviously heard my son get up from his own bedroom this morning. But he never seems to hear the door/phone calls when asleep.

I obviously had a stern word with my partner and said how bad it looked and that it looked like my son just had free rein of the house especially with him toddling downstairs and my ex seeing him at the window. My partner is very upset about it and said he will build the trust back up and that he didn't mean to fall back to sleep and that my son was safe next to him and that he had already been awake that morning but had dozed back off.

I know he wouldn't purposely put my son in harms way, but how would you feel about this situation??

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 17:17

How do you feel about it, OP? Different people have different boundaries, but it's yours that matter. Do you trust him?

Laurdo · 08/04/2023 17:17

It's not great is it. Bad enough if he'd watched him a few times but surely on the first time you'd want to give a good first impression. The first time I watched my baby nephew I didn't sleep, even though he slept through the night. I was so anxious about anything happening especially with it being the first time I'd watched him.

If he knows he's a deep sleeper he shouldn't have put himself in a position where he's likely to fall asleep.

He might not have done it intentionally but he wasn't exactly pro active about making sure he was awake and alert watching a small child for the first time. Red flag for me.

Laurdo · 08/04/2023 17:18

Also, you shouldn't have to ask your ex permission for someone else to watch your son. It's up to you how you manage childcare on your time and vice versa.

Louisetopaz21 · 08/04/2023 17:19

Without being judgemental I would not have asked a new boyfriend to look after a yoing child, you have put a lot of responsibility on him especially if he is not use to small children.

MyMumIsOnMN · 08/04/2023 17:20

The deep sleeping would concern me. We can all doze in front of the TV from time to time, but to be in such a deep sleep that you can’t hear the phone or the door is something else. Is he on medication? Does he use drugs? Does he drink? Does he sleep enough hours at night?

mycatsanutter · 08/04/2023 17:23

Well it's not great but he does sound very sorry and I can imagine it would be easy to nod back off to sleep

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:24

Laurdo · 08/04/2023 17:17

It's not great is it. Bad enough if he'd watched him a few times but surely on the first time you'd want to give a good first impression. The first time I watched my baby nephew I didn't sleep, even though he slept through the night. I was so anxious about anything happening especially with it being the first time I'd watched him.

If he knows he's a deep sleeper he shouldn't have put himself in a position where he's likely to fall asleep.

He might not have done it intentionally but he wasn't exactly pro active about making sure he was awake and alert watching a small child for the first time. Red flag for me.

Yeah this is what I mean, I asked him why he didn't just stay up when he first woke him up as that is what I would do!
Just such a hard situation because like you said its not like he was being proactive but then he also didn't do it intentionally

OP posts:
Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:25

Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 17:17

How do you feel about it, OP? Different people have different boundaries, but it's yours that matter. Do you trust him?

I definitely trust him and do believe it was a mistake but I think im just still annoyed and upset

OP posts:
Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:26

Louisetopaz21 · 08/04/2023 17:19

Without being judgemental I would not have asked a new boyfriend to look after a yoing child, you have put a lot of responsibility on him especially if he is not use to small children.

I completely understand your comment, but he has younger nieces and nephews and he offered to help look after my son which is why I agreed as I know it would only be for a few hours as opposed to a full day/overnight

OP posts:
Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:27

MyMumIsOnMN · 08/04/2023 17:20

The deep sleeping would concern me. We can all doze in front of the TV from time to time, but to be in such a deep sleep that you can’t hear the phone or the door is something else. Is he on medication? Does he use drugs? Does he drink? Does he sleep enough hours at night?

Yeah I've told him in the past to get it checked as he can often be a very light Sleeper and then sometimes a very deep Sleeper. But he doesn't do any of the above apart from drinking if out wirh friends

OP posts:
Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:28

mycatsanutter · 08/04/2023 17:23

Well it's not great but he does sound very sorry and I can imagine it would be easy to nod back off to sleep

Yeah it's a hard situation as obviously myself and my ex are upset about it but he was in floods of tears and upset with himself.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 17:31

LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:25

I definitely trust him and do believe it was a mistake but I think im just still annoyed and upset

Show quote history

Understandably so.

What would help? What do you need from him?

I'm curious to know why you need to know how others would feel. He annoyed you and upset you; what have we got to do with it?

LividHouse · 08/04/2023 17:31

I couldn’t trust him again.

Especially if your little boy could have opened the door. I’d be ending the relationship even if it was tough.

PissTakeSubstitution · 08/04/2023 17:31

He was asleep and your son was alone downstairs?
He wouldn’t be looking after my child again.

Also your partner was in floods of tears? Even that I find slightly odd.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:33

Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 17:31

Understandably so.

What would help? What do you need from him?

I'm curious to know why you need to know how others would feel. He annoyed you and upset you; what have we got to do with it?

Show quote history

I just wanted to see how others would feel about the situation but I know that it's down to my own instincts about him and the situation. I know I'm not being unreasonable in being upset about it.

I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in maybe a similar situation and where they went from there.

OP posts:
Namechange224422 · 08/04/2023 17:34

I’m a single parent with young kids so I totally empathise with the juggle!

I mean this really gently, and no harm done, but I think that you made the wrong call here and that you shouldn’t leave your son with your partner again for a good long while.

A couple of things feel off in your post. I don’t think that your son should be in bed with someone he’s only known for a couple of months; I don’t think your partner should be asleep whilst looking after your son; and I don’t think your partner should have sole charge of a young child if he sleeps so deeply he doesn’t hear the door.

Nothing bad happened today but it could have.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:35

LividHouse · 08/04/2023 17:31

I couldn’t trust him again.

Especially if your little boy could have opened the door. I’d be ending the relationship even if it was tough.

That's how I feel that worry that something could have happened. My son only came downstairs when my ex was knocking on the window, as my ex was looking through the window and seen him come downstairs. He only opened the door as my ex was telling him through the window to do it

OP posts:
2bazookas · 08/04/2023 17:35

His story doesn't quite hang together.

You rang dp at 9.30 and he said they were fine. He didn't tell you he was still in bed, had not got up yet, that DC was downstairs unsupervised and had not had any breakfast yet.
So when Ex arrived (10 am +) DC still had not had breakfast.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:36

PissTakeSubstitution · 08/04/2023 17:31

He was asleep and your son was alone downstairs?
He wouldn’t be looking after my child again.

Also your partner was in floods of tears? Even that I find slightly odd.

They was both upstairs together and my son came down when he heard my ex banging on the window.

He was in tears as he knew he had done wrong and was apologetic

OP posts:
LividHouse · 08/04/2023 17:38

Children are statistically most at risk from men they aren’t related to.

I’m not saying he’s malicious or deliberately neglectful, but this was his FIRST chance and he showed you. Don’t give him a second chance to show you.

How long have you known him? How long have you lived together? When did he meet your son? Largely irrelevant I suppose because you CANNOT trust him again.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 17:41

This has happened on his first time minding your son. The time has on his guard the very very most…

What has he suggested he do to remedy the situation?

Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 17:41

I know that it's down to my own instincts about him and the situation. I know I'm not being unreasonable in being upset about it

That's good. If you're annoyed and upset, and you could tell him in capital letters very loudly exactly how this has made you feel, with complete impunity, what would you yell at him?

Stichintime · 08/04/2023 17:43

I often look after children, sometimes over night and early mornings. Sure I've slept when in charge, but the slightest movement and sound and I'm aware, almost like conscious sleeping.
I'm not a particularly light sleeper, but still wake up.If he goes in to such a deep sleep when in charge its probably best you don't leave him in charge.

TheCentreSlide · 08/04/2023 17:48

Poor little kid. It must have felt really scary to be unsupervised with an adult he doesn’t know very well in a complete stupor. No wonder your ex is livid.

I would find it very difficult to trust him again if I were you. In fact you won’t be able to switch off will you? You’ll imagine your DC falling down the stairs or something as your new boyfriend is dead to the world.

DizzyRascal · 08/04/2023 17:55

Why the fuck would you leave a 5 year old for hours with a man you don't know very well??
And why would you teach your small child it's fine to get into bed with random men??
And yeah, your boyfriend's story sounds off.