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Original poster

What would you do in this situation??

62 replies

LER1234 · 08/04/2023 17:04

So I'm currently co-parenting my 5 year old son with my ex partner. We both have new partners. My partner has met my son over the past couple of months and they get on well and my partner is really good with him.

I work shifts and so does my ex, childcare can be a struggle at times. I asked my ex would he be okay with my new partner watching my son for around 2/3 hours as I was on a day shift and start at 07.30 and and ex would not be able to pick my son up until around 10am. (This was the first time my partner would have my little boy alone) My ex was completely fine with this and I explained to my son who was happy about it.

I rang my partner at around 09.30am to check everything was okay etc and he said yeah that they're both awake and just chilling out, my son was happy etc so I felt less worried. Come to 10.30am and I had missed calls off my ex saying nobody is answering the front door and my partners phone was off. I tried to ring my partner multiple times with no answer. I then got really worried as nobody has a spare key as I've only just recently moved house. I hsd to leave work to go all the way home as I was worried that something had happened etc.

On my way home my ex rang me and said that my little boy had come to the downstairs window and was knocking on but he wasn't crying etc and that my partner was nowhere to be seen. I told him to ask our little boy to open the door from the inside as it locks automatically on the outside. My boy managed to do this and all was fine except my partner was fast asleep upstairs !!!

My ex was obviously not happy about this, the same with me, as it didn't give a very good first impression. As I was already on my way home I decided to go and confront my partner as I was a little angry and so was my ex as our son is only 5.

My partner was in tears and completely heartbroken when I got there and very apologetic. He said that they both woke up this morning and he offered my son breakfast but he said he wasn't hungry just yet. My son then asked could he watch a video on his ipad and climbed into bed with my partner. My partner has then dozed off with my son next to him, but obviously hasn't heard the door or his phonecalls? He is quite a deep Sleeper but he is able to be woken if you are next to him telling him to wake up and he obviously heard my son get up from his own bedroom this morning. But he never seems to hear the door/phone calls when asleep.

I obviously had a stern word with my partner and said how bad it looked and that it looked like my son just had free rein of the house especially with him toddling downstairs and my ex seeing him at the window. My partner is very upset about it and said he will build the trust back up and that he didn't mean to fall back to sleep and that my son was safe next to him and that he had already been awake that morning but had dozed back off.

I know he wouldn't purposely put my son in harms way, but how would you feel about this situation??

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 08/04/2023 17:56

Crocodile tears?
People can cry to try to deflect righteous anger when they are found out.

When I was young (in the 70s!!!) my Mum had started seeing this chap,and we all (her, my little bro and I) went away with him. My little bro got ill and the chap reacted selfishly - Mum dumped him so fast his head spun.

Powerof321 · 08/04/2023 18:05

I wouldn’t have left my son in the 1st place & i certainly wouldn’t be leaving him again

ttcat37 · 08/04/2023 18:11

How long have you know your partner and been dating him?
The red flag for me is your little boy getting into bed with him.
The whole situation would be a deal breaker for me tbh, completely irresponsible, dangerous and a bit weird.

Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 18:14

DizzyRascal · 08/04/2023 17:55

Why the fuck would you leave a 5 year old for hours with a man you don't know very well??
And why would you teach your small child it's fine to get into bed with random men??
And yeah, your boyfriend's story sounds off.

OP hasn't said she doesn't know him, and he's quite probably not a 'random man'. No need to get sweary.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:15

Namechange224422 · 08/04/2023 17:34

I’m a single parent with young kids so I totally empathise with the juggle!

I mean this really gently, and no harm done, but I think that you made the wrong call here and that you shouldn’t leave your son with your partner again for a good long while.

A couple of things feel off in your post. I don’t think that your son should be in bed with someone he’s only known for a couple of months; I don’t think your partner should be asleep whilst looking after your son; and I don’t think your partner should have sole charge of a young child if he sleeps so deeply he doesn’t hear the door.

Nothing bad happened today but it could have.

Your comment is understandable. Obviously I feel awful myself as I do trust this man and feel like I've obviously made a mistake myself

OP posts:
WhatToDoNowñ · 08/04/2023 18:17

I agree with posters saying something is off. He’s not right for you.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:18

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 17:41

This has happened on his first time minding your son. The time has on his guard the very very most…

What has he suggested he do to remedy the situation?

He said that he will build the trust back up as he is really good with my son. He said to give him one more chance to prove he is trustworthy, obviously if I was to stay with him I wouldn't leave my son in the sole care of my child for a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:21

Watchkeys · 08/04/2023 18:14

OP hasn't said she doesn't know him, and he's quite probably not a 'random man'. No need to get sweary.

Show quote history

I haven't taught my child it's okay to get into bed with random men?? I do know this man and so does my child.

He was first introduced as a friend and my little boy was quite comfortable in doing so, it isn't the first time he often gets in bed with me during the night but I am there and sometimes my partner is, if he's not working. He has met my partner on ma y occasions he is not a stranger. My child is very aware of strangers. My child knows my partner is a good friend of mine.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 18:21

LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:18

He said that he will build the trust back up as he is really good with my son. He said to give him one more chance to prove he is trustworthy, obviously if I was to stay with him I wouldn't leave my son in the sole care of my child for a long time.

Show quote history

So still not prepared to speak to anyone about the oddities of his sleep then…

That says a lot.

Does he grasp that he’s asking for “one more chance” with your child? It’s not like he scraped your car or knocked over an ornament. He left your child entirely unsupervised in a totally foreseeable way (everyone knows the easiest way to fa asleep is to stay in bed).

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:22

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 18:21

So still not prepared to speak to anyone about the oddities of his sleep then…

That says a lot.

Does he grasp that he’s asking for “one more chance” with your child? It’s not like he scraped your car or knocked over an ornament. He left your child entirely unsupervised in a totally foreseeable way (everyone knows the easiest way to fa asleep is to stay in bed).

Show quote history

Yeah he did say he will go to the doctors regarding his sleeping habits and that he would never do what he's done again and that he knows he is completely at fault and that he shouldn't have fell back to sleep.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 18:40

LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:22

Yeah he did say he will go to the doctors regarding his sleeping habits and that he would never do what he's done again and that he knows he is completely at fault and that he shouldn't have fell back to sleep.

Show quote history

But how does he know he won’t do it again?

if he was actually being sensible he’d be clearly saying he wouldn’t want to mind your DS again until it’s sorted.

Has he offered to apologise to your DS?

MintJulia · 08/04/2023 18:49

PissTakeSubstitution · 08/04/2023 17:31

He was asleep and your son was alone downstairs?
He wouldn’t be looking after my child again.

Also your partner was in floods of tears? Even that I find slightly odd.

This.

He can't be trusted to look after your ds. Whether you carry on with the relationship is your decision but I wouldn't trust him with my child again until child was a lot older and less vulnerable.

CantWait01 · 08/04/2023 18:53

No you can’t let him be in charge of your child ever again. I just wouldn’t trust him.

I assume your partner doesn’t have children himself? Maybe he just doesn’t know how to look after a five year old and doesn’t appreciate how aware he needs to be when in charge. Just playing with him when you are around is completely different from being in sole charge in the morning when he should have been on the ball from when your son woke up.

Original poster
LER1234 · 08/04/2023 18:55

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/04/2023 18:40

But how does he know he won’t do it again?

if he was actually being sensible he’d be clearly saying he wouldn’t want to mind your DS again until it’s sorted.

Has he offered to apologise to your DS?

Show quote history

Yeah he said he knows he will need to build the trust to ever watch my son again, and I've told him I wouldn't trust him for a long time after what he did.

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/04/2023 18:56

I wouldn’t trust him with my child and therefore wouldn’t continue a relationship with him.

(I wouldn’t have left him in the first place tbh)

FlamingoCroquet · 08/04/2023 19:05

It wasn't great baby-sitting, he should have got up and made your DS breakfast. But, I don't think it's so shocking. If your DS was 3 years old then yes, really bad, but a 5 year old should be OK to play in a bedroom without being watched. The OP states that the child wasn't distressed, was upstairs until the ex banged on the door, nothing bad happened. Has no-one here ever dozed off again when their school-age child woke up in the morning at the weekend?
Why was your ex phoning him in the first place?

AllOfThemWitches · 08/04/2023 19:13

I wouldn't leave him alone with my kid again but wouldn't necessarily end the relationship. I think it was a mistake on your part this time.

TakeMyStrongHand · 08/04/2023 19:15

Do you know him tho? How long have you been together?

If I was your ex, I would be furious. I know Mumsnet doesn't think it's appropriate but I would be demanding they are not left alone together. Anything could have happened and your kid could have paid the consequences.

If he knows he is a deep sleeper, why did he allow himself to sleep in the day while sole carer?

This is a big red flag to me. Can't be trusted to look after children. What happens when you have more together?

GoodChat · 08/04/2023 19:19

OP he hadn't even fed your child by 10:30. A 5 year old boy who hadn't had breakfast.

He should have said to him "no we need to get up and have breakfast, get dressed and brush your teeth because daddy will be here in an hour."

Chchchanges23 · 08/04/2023 19:21

The very first morning he’s in sole charge, and the child is climbing into bed next to him? And he didn’t immediately decide “Right, time to get up and both have breakfast!”? It worries me that he’s not being scrupulous about boundaries as a non-parent. Absolutely not suggesting there’s anything dodgy, but a non-related caregiver in this sort of position should have decided a clear line would be drawn at bed-sharing IMO.
I think I would back track somewhat and just concentrate on the relationship between you two, and keep my child separate. He’s not the step-dad, and may just be good boyfriend material. Sorry, this isn’t based on personal experience which you asked for - just my instinct on reading. Glad no harm was done!

Mammyloveswine · 08/04/2023 19:21

I'm confused that you spoke to him at 9.30.. did you not ask "what time did DS get up? What did you give him for breakfast?". It is very odd for him to fall into such a deep sleep knowing Ex was coming at 10? Why didn't he get up then to get ds ready etc?!

Op I doze when my kids clamber into bed with me but it's a doze and im hyper vaware of what they are up to!

RenoDakota · 08/04/2023 19:33

I would kick his sorry arse to the kerb.
And would advise you to put some boundaries in place around your precious five year old. Like not letting randoms you have known for a few months get in bed with him.
Christ, this place is depressing sometimes.

MaryDerry · 08/04/2023 19:33

If it was reverse and your son was at his dad's and the dad's partner had been asked to look after him and this had occurred - how would you be feeling?

Personally the entire situation is unnerving to me.

pizzaHeart · 08/04/2023 19:43

PissTakeSubstitution · 08/04/2023 17:31

He was asleep and your son was alone downstairs?
He wouldn’t be looking after my child again.

Also your partner was in floods of tears? Even that I find slightly odd.

Tjis^

TomatoSandwiches · 08/04/2023 19:53

I read posts like this and wonder why people think it OK to have their sexual partners stay over when there are young children in the house and even allowing them to be alone with their children.

It goes against any and every instinct I have, why do you think it is ok to be so lax with your children's safety and wellbeing?

Obviously he can not be trusted, you can not rely on him to look after your son, his ott crying means jack shit, lots of people get away with awful behaviour because they talk a good " I'm so sorry game "
Stop letting appearances decieve you and put your son first.

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