End of 16 year abusive relationship

[MummyM5]

I don’t even know where to start. I can’t sleep it’s 4am and I have 3 of my 5 children in bed with me. My middle child is just so upset that dad has left and my two youngest can sense something is wrong.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and while I love him the relationship has become increasingly unhealthy through his behaviours.

he has always had a jealous side and I would cause arguments when I would go out with friends. In recent months his behaviour has escalated to him becoming physical towards me (he choked me) and threatened me. I thought I was done then and tried to leave the relationship but of course he was sorry and made so many promises of change. So like a hopeless fool we resumed our relationship.

Until this week when my husband has become fixated on me having an affair with a work colleague. I am not having an affair what’s so ever, but he seems to have convinced himself I am and I was extremely verbally abusive towards me when I was driving home from work. He was saying he wanted to see all my messages. Prior to his he had managed to access my social media without my knowledge for a few days until I found out. His response was he did it because he doesn’t trust me.

I have never given him a reason to believe I have cheated in our marriage. At the very beginning he had been messaging other women but I forgave him.

following the abuse to me on my way home, I told my husband that he had to leave as I couldn’t carry on this way. We have 5 children and they are witnessing this behaviour and it’s breaking my heart. My husbands response was to leave but to say that he would be ending his life which resulted in his family sending a search party for him.

it’s been 48 hours now. He has been messaging apologising and saying how he can’t live without me. I have tried to explain that I’m being strong and making a decision that we can’t be together as our children cannot keep seeing us like this. To which he then threatens to harm himself. His mum seems to think that I should be doing more to help him but I’m struggling with the marriage breakdown myself, I feel so guilty for my children and I feel sorry for him and don’t want him to feel this way.

j know I am doing the right thing for me and my children. I guess I just need support to remember this when I am having my moments of weakness

Dear mummym5, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. What an amazing woman you are to have retained some sympathy for him after everything he has put you through. Please remain firm in what you know is true. He is abusive and you and your children are in danger if you remain with him. 16 years and 5 children won’t be easy but nor will a lifetime of you and your children walking on eggshells to avoid his escalating temper. Consider that you had a lucky escape. Where would he and you and the kids have been had he been successful in choking you. Your mil is enabling his behaviour and his threats of suicide are just more of the same abuse towards you. Please contact the freedom project who will help you understand that you are doing the right thing. Find the strength for the sake of your kids. You are stronger than you think and there is light at the end of this dark place. Please tell someone who is wholly on your side and create a safety plan so that you and the children can escape. He will not give this up easily. Like all DV survivors I suspect this won’t have been your first attempt at leaving.

Thank you for replying so quickly.

its strange because up until recently I had not believed that I was in an abusive relationship and I’m of course I married him believing that it would be until death.

I know in my head that ended our marriage is the right thing but my heart just breaks for the situation. I also don’t know how I am suppose to manage on my own with 5 kids plus working full time in a very emotionally challenging job.

there are so many red flags when I look from the outside in. I know that I am doing the right thing for me abs my kids ami just worry about in a moment of weakness giving in and being back to the start again.

i have told a few close friends of the true extent to our marriage ending so they are aware. I do not believe he would ever hurt my children but I do know that being physically hurt once is one time too many and there is nothing stopping him from doing it again.

i guess I just need to stay strong but am finding it so hard in these early days and especially as it is Easter weekend.

My dear, a man who abuses the mother of his children is also abusing his children.
no child should have to see this level of disrespect from their father to their mother. You haven’t chosen to be in this place, he has. He is abusive to you and the children always know.

It will be hard but I am not being flippant when I say this man could kill you.

5 children and a full time job is not going to be easy but please know that somehow you will find a way through. Block out all the noise from his family and him, put one foot in front of the other and walk away. You didn’t choose this. But this is about the survival of you and the well being of your children. You have the strength for this.

Whatever you would do because it is Easter weekend try and do still or ask your friends to come round and keep you company. These are not easy days but in the future you can and will be in a totally different place. Envisage two futures: one where you remain and his behaviour escalates. It will, it always does. And a second where you and your children are free and happy. You aren’t walking ok eggshells or resentful that the man you are married to attempted to kill you.

Thank you for your advice. I really needed someone outside of my world to hear what I am saying and give me the advice that is non-biased. It’s so hard especially in the night when I can’t sleep and my mind is running at a 10000 miles an hour.

I will try and keep busy for the kids sake. We do have plans today to see my friend and her children.

I know he could have killed me the logical part of me knows that. The weak part of me believes him when he says he saw red and couldn’t control what he did. (He had never laid a finger on me in the 16 years we have been together) it’s just causes so many doubts and I know I’m stupid for thinking thag because he hasn’t done it before now it’s okay .

He couldn't control what he did...
so that could happen again

You've been so so strong, now you have an even harder time coming, in staying strong. One day at a time

You absolutely are doing the right thing. For you, for your children - and for him. He needs help, and you can't do that.

Whatever MIL says, tell her he was verbally and physically violent, and if she wants to help him, then she can get him into therapy but you will not be endangering yourself or your children

Thanks Tilly. I know what you’re saying is right.

my worry is being able to stay strong. I don’t feel strong.

his mum knows everything as he told her. He has sought help from GP and is having talking therapy. So has made the right moves but it’s too little too late and I am so tired from it all.

but just hate that after 16 years this is the point we have come to.

Congratulations on choosing your children and yourself. NOTHING excuses this. Choking a partner is a predictor of femicide and one of the biggest red flags for future/escalating abuse. Keep your supports close, ask for help, be gentle with yourself. Good luck.

Keep reminding yourself that abuse is always about control and limiting the other person's options.

He wants to control who you spend time with (so you won't meet someone who treats you better than he does).
He wants to control your ability to leave the relationship (so he threatens you with risk of harm to yourself or guilt about him harming himself).
He wants to control your ability to work (so he can limit your ability to leave, so he accuses you of having an affair with a colleague).
He wants to control your ability to talk to anyone without his knowledge or say-so.
He wants to control your ability to stay gone so he piles on the guilt, saying he can't live without you (even though of course he can) or promises to change (even though he won't).

You are in a very risky situation. He has been physically violent and is not relenting attempts to control you.

I would seek a restraining order, or the advice of police about it. I would not allow him into the house without someone else present, and I would not go anywhere in a vehicle with him. I would not allow him to have the children unsupervised either.

Sorry if I sound alarmist but this sounds very very concerning to me.

Big hugs today. Focus on having a calm and loving day for the kids and try to disengage from his texts and calls. Try to get some self care.. an early night, a movie with the kids. If you have family please let them know. I hope they help you through this xxx

This is the time when you are most at risk.
He realises you are going through with the breakup so he tries the usual.I will kill myself.
Which he won't do, he won't kill himself but he may harm you.

I would go to the police for a restraining order.

And don't feel under pressure from his family. The threatening to kill himself is a very common threat used by abusive men to get the woman back in line. All you, or better still his family, can do is inform the police and focus on looking after yourself and your dc.

You may be surprised that this won't be as difficult as you think as you will have peace and your dc will benefit from that.

Thank you everyone. He had messaged again this morning apologising and when I made it clear we are not getting back together he very quickly turned nasty and started blaming our break up on me working.

since then his mum has sent me some abusive messages saying it’s all about me me me and that if he kills himself she will never forgive me. I am just shocked that she honestly believes that this is my fault and I’m to blame if ge harms himself.

this is such a mess.

Keep strong.

He tried the 'can't live without you' etc, it didn't work so now he's back to being nasty. It's all manipulative. He's your ally uk blame. He's an adult responsible for his own choices. You carry on being mum to your children x

He wont harm himself, its all manipulation.

Well done for escaping and being so strong.

im sorry you are going through this

What a piece of work and probably is this way because of his narcissistic mother. Ask her whether you should put up with being choked. If you went to the police he would be in prison and she would be in trouble too. Speak to your family. You need some outside perspective and people who back you and have your best interests at heart.

Report the choking to the police. He needs a bully that's bigger than him to sort him out.

Ex was abusive and he also at one point told me the abuse would stop if I stopped working.

the reason he wanted me to stop working was so I would be completely dependant on him and would not have the resources to leave.

he would also accuse me of having affairs. He was the one who had the affairs, which I found out after I left.

stay strong. Speak to women’s aid, and rights of women. Find a good solicitor. Freeze all joint accounts and ensure benefits and salaries are going into your personal account for which he has no access.

look into the freedom programme. Ask him to take a domestic violence perpetrator programme. If he really wants to change.
this will help him be a better parent. Your marriage is over. He’s spent years abusing you. You and your children deserve better

OP have you got the means to change the locks? Or do you have a deadbolt on your door etc?

If so please change the locks or keep a bolt on the door in the meantime when in.
Screenshot all messages do not respond back just keep a log if they become threatening in anyway then call the police.

Don't respond to his mother.

Contact women's aid

I think I would have to text his mother back and say yes your right it's all about me and my right to feel safe from your son's paranoia and subsequent domestic violence in my own home. I'm disgusted with her attitude quite frankly. That said be very wary of him he sounds dangerous. I'd phone women's aid as I think you need some professional support for you and the kids. This is a dangerous time for you. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.

I wouldn't bother replying to his mother but block her and the rest of his family. They are not your friends and will cause you unhappiness. Can you have someone else read your ex messages? Or insist on email contact only which you access once a week or when you feel stronger? It's all about control, as others have said.

Well done for staying firm OP. If you can, get a dual sim phone and get a payg sim and give him that no for calls. Only look at it once a week. Block him and his 'd'm on your normal number. Perhaps also set up a special email address just for him.
As pp have said, definitely report the choking to the police.

Have a lovely time with your friend and DC.

So I see his mother is an enabling dickhead. Although I doubt many women would want to admit to themselves they had played a part in raising someone abusive. Ignore her, in fact do block her if you can. If she's happy sending an abusive arsehole back to her grandkids, I can't give her time of day. She sounds like my MIL and believes anything her darling son says even if it doesn't even make sense.

Hi everyone
thank you for your replies. It has really helped reassure me that I am doing the right thing for me and my children.
i did respond to his mum and just said that ‘he is an adult and I have 5 children to think of and that I can understand her feeling worried as a mum. But that I can not be held responsible for his behaviour or actions”
she replied saying all I care about is my job and I should have noticed his mental health decline a year ago.

bow what I had not mentioned previously is our 5th child was not planned and when I decided to keep him my husband ignored me the whole of my pregnancy. He didn’t even comfort me while I was in surgery having a c-section and then said when our son was 3 weeks old that he wa unwanted.

I mean I think I have done a pretty good job of staying in this marriage and at bo point have inhabited the needs of my husband.

before I had a chance to respond she blocked me. But her behaviour has just confirmed to me that nothing is changing and I’m being blamed by him and his mum. They are basically saying that I shouldn’t be working that I palm my children off all the time. The only time I don’t have my children is when I work and then are in school or my youngest is with family (2 days being with his mum) which I will put an end to now.

I have told my parents about his emotional manipulation but I can’t bring myself to tell them about his physical violence towards me. Because I know they will have an opinion and I want to be able to control this situation.

my dad is going to change the locks this weekend. But it is our sons 1st birthday next week so I’m sure my husband will want to see him.

so much to think about and just so question every decision I make:

is womens aid anonymous?

Yes, women’s aid is anonymous. Do not listen to his mother, she sides with her son.

You are strong, you are advocating for your children.

You should call the police, not right now if you feel safe but it should be logged. 💐You are doing the right thing.