End of 16 year abusive relationship

[MummyM5]

I don’t even know where to start. I can’t sleep it’s 4am and I have 3 of my 5 children in bed with me. My middle child is just so upset that dad has left and my two youngest can sense something is wrong.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and while I love him the relationship has become increasingly unhealthy through his behaviours.

he has always had a jealous side and I would cause arguments when I would go out with friends. In recent months his behaviour has escalated to him becoming physical towards me (he choked me) and threatened me. I thought I was done then and tried to leave the relationship but of course he was sorry and made so many promises of change. So like a hopeless fool we resumed our relationship.

Until this week when my husband has become fixated on me having an affair with a work colleague. I am not having an affair what’s so ever, but he seems to have convinced himself I am and I was extremely verbally abusive towards me when I was driving home from work. He was saying he wanted to see all my messages. Prior to his he had managed to access my social media without my knowledge for a few days until I found out. His response was he did it because he doesn’t trust me.

I have never given him a reason to believe I have cheated in our marriage. At the very beginning he had been messaging other women but I forgave him.

following the abuse to me on my way home, I told my husband that he had to leave as I couldn’t carry on this way. We have 5 children and they are witnessing this behaviour and it’s breaking my heart. My husbands response was to leave but to say that he would be ending his life which resulted in his family sending a search party for him.

it’s been 48 hours now. He has been messaging apologising and saying how he can’t live without me. I have tried to explain that I’m being strong and making a decision that we can’t be together as our children cannot keep seeing us like this. To which he then threatens to harm himself. His mum seems to think that I should be doing more to help him but I’m struggling with the marriage breakdown myself, I feel so guilty for my children and I feel sorry for him and don’t want him to feel this way.

j know I am doing the right thing for me and my children. I guess I just need support to remember this when I am having my moments of weakness

Stay strong OP.

Your story sounds exactly like my friend's story, up to him accusing her of affairs and looking at her phone.
She has a female friend called Sam, but he saw Sam in her contacts and assumed male.

He completely lost it, and after not being physically abusive to date (only manipulative and insulting), he threatened to kill her, threw her down the stairs and punched her repeatedly. She got out after he fell asleep drunk on the sofa and came to my door in the middle of the night.

We called the police and it went to court.

The fact he tried to choke you is enough on its own - once is one time too many. This is not a man.

My ex was very controlling and once pushed me up against a wall by my throat and threw things 'near' me. (an iron and a kettle) (not 'at' me, you understand, so this was apparently okay!)

And I still managed to excuse him because most of the time he was a great man and a great dad and I loved him.

When we split he threatened suicide and wept on his knees, pleading with me not to tear the family apart - which are some of the most traumatic and disturbing memories of my life.

He also managed to turn most family against me and made me out to be a menopausal mad woman having a mid life crisis. Some suggested I was very unreasonable and should appreciate the pain and panic he was going through.

5 years on, he has someone new and is so nice to me I question whether I made a mistake - then I have glimpses of his odd mood changes and realise I didn't. I also have someone, but can't tell him because he will hugely over-react. (says it all, eh?)

Stay strong in front of the kids - acknowledge what is happening, don't be a martyr, but also don't bad-mouth their father or break down (save that for your friends!). They need stability and normality as much as possible.

Don't keep secrets- let people help.

Woman's Aid were fabulous for me to get a little perspective, I also did the whole "If my daughter was telling me her husband was doing this, what would I advise?" (My advice would be to get out the house and that I was coming to get her!)

Well done, poppet x

Tell your parents. If something in a relationship has to be secret you shouldn’t be in it. Don’t hide his dirty linen. It’s his. Not yours.

Choking you is one of the biggest indicators that he will eventually go on to kill you, and he did that as his first act of physical violence towards you. He didn’t “build up” to it, he did that first. There is only one step up from that. Death.

You have absolutely done the right thing and you should be so proud. Ignore his mum, block her if necessary.

You are seeing his true colours again now he isn’t getting his own way. If he was genuinely remorseful he would support you leaving him and keeping yourself and your children safe. If he felt bad, he would encourage you to stay away from him. This is all about what he wants, and if you don’t do what he says the anger comes again. This is the real him. Remember it, let it strengthen you.

None of this is your fault. Stay safe, leave keys in the locks until they are changed and consider reporting his abuse to the police x

another sleepless night for me…. Woken to a message from him saying how he stood by me when I had cancer and now that he has decided to stop smoking weed (he is withdrawing) I’m not standing by his side and he has essentially had a breakdown. But said I won’t be controlling him anymore (the irony)

he physically hurt me before he stopped smoking weed. And threaten to stab me. But I’m supposed to forget about them behaviours?! It has made me question if I have overreacted and that he is having a breakdown and I’m not being there for him.

but then I jump back to what my kids have been out through. And obviously they don’t know the details of how bad it had gotten but they did witness him saying he was going to kill himself and that is traumatic enough. So I have replied and reminded him that it isn’t about us and it’s about protecting our children.

im going to call womens aid tomorrow. I generally don’t think he would hurt me again but hearing what everyone else is sharing does make me worry for my safety.

His behaviour is very manipulative ( texting sorry then turning nasty) and indicative of him not wanting to take any responsibility for his actions ( blaming you) He has also been physically violent, saying he had no control over his actions ( choking you.) . Putting these together = a dangerous man. He may feel he’s nothing to lose , kills you then himself, because he’s a coward and wouldn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. This is the worst case scenario but it’s happened before.
Never meet him or have him in your home without another adult being present.
Talk to Women’s Aid.
Stay strong in your resolution, this is the hardest time but the long term benefits to you and your children will be worth it.

I’m going to take a wild guess that “standing by you” when you had cancer probably doesn’t actually mean he did a great deal for you. Plus, you would have been very vulnerable during that time and that’s how he likes you, right?

Withdrawing from weed is in no way the same kind of trauma as cancer. Within two weeks max the physical symptoms should be over and done with and from there it’s all psychological. Addiction is no joke but there is an element of choice involved, which isn’t the case with cancer. So the two are very much a false equivalence.

Plus, he has physically harmed and threatened you. That’s an instant, unequivocal deal-breaker. If you physically ha or threaten another person,IMHO any duty of care they ever had towards you is immediately done with.

Whatever you do, whatever promises he makes - don’t let him back into your house. If he wants to see your baby for his bday, let it be somewhere neutral like McDonald’s. Don’t remind him of the bday, only organize to meet him with the kids for a set time that suits you. If he’s not there waiting, give the kids a treat and then go home. Don’t contact him.
No amount of therapy is going to repair the damage he has done to your marriage. It might help him move on with his life, but at the moment it is simply too little and far too late. Talking therapy is words. So are all the promises he’s made you in the past. So are his threats to kill himself. Words. They’re nothing. Believe his actions. He is supremely manipulative and nasty. If he threatens suicide again, call the police - every time. He will learn that you’re not dropping everything in a panic and his “punishment” isn’t hurting you.

Tell your family and friends. You need an army of supporters, love. You have five babies who need to be kept healthy and happy and it’s obvious from the mil’s messages, the Apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Don’t trust her or his family.

@CheekyHobson your right he didn’t do too much while I was in treatment and I remember when I was diagnosed I was comforting him, my dad was furious with him.

don’t get me wrong he does have his good points other wise I would never had stayed for so long.

he is a lifetime user of weed and it is something I have always asked him to stop. The physical attack on me made him panic and so he said he would give it up and he has to my knowledge it smoked it for just over two weeks. So maybe I wasn’t as supportive as I could have been but I think I was done after the attack on me but I was too scared to admit it.

@Fraaahnces im not going to let him back in the home but it is a joint tenancy so I think he can come back by law if he wanted to? Thankfully at the moment he isn’t saying he wants to. I can’t bring myself to tell my parents, I’m scared to death ny dad will react like the protective father he is and confront him and that will end badly.

@AgrathaChristie when I remind him of what he has done he simply says he hates himself for that and he would never do it again. He definitely has manipulated me and continues to do so and I know I need to ge strong just to get through these first few weeks/months.

I'm going to have to reduce my working hours now as I won’t be able to rely on him for childcare after school or his mother to watch my baby. So my finances are going to decrease and that’s going to be another obstacle to get over .

If he had done this to someone on the street he would be in police custody facing time in jail and a criminal record. He wouldn't be able to argue he couldn't control himself because everybody would know that for the bullshit it is. The fact he did it to someone he's supposed to love doesn't mitigate it it makes his crime even sicker. What he did is horrifying. That he's trying to manipulate you, saying it should be excusable because he couldn't help himself or he didn't get enough support or he's blaming the weed or whatever, makes his behaviour even worse. He's adding harm to the harm he's already done you, he's trying to twist your mind into a knot so he can get back in to harm you again. He doesn't care how any of this is effecting you. This is all about him and what he wants and it always will be. Your children deserve so much better and just as importantly so do you. Stbxh didn't do anything near as bad as this a nd it was still nerve wracking scary being around him after. You deserve to feel safe and peaceful in your own home. He can't ever give you that. You deserve to be loved and cherished and supported. He can't ever give you that either. You all deserve to feel safe and not to ever again feel you're walking on eggshells in your own home.

please contact Women's Aid and the police - also are you okay, do you need a doctor? His behaviour is textbook. Incidentally the accusing you of an affair, I would not be surprised if this is projection and he is the cheat.

Please see a layer too btw - once DV is on record I think you will qualify for legal aid. Do not engage in his bullshit. He sounds v similar to his mother in behaviour - apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh and Freedom Programme too at some point will be a huge benefit. As will Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is an eye opening read.

Stop engaging with him.
Stop replying to messages.
Take control back.

You are 100% doing the right thing stay strong and keep telling yourself you are being brave. A weaker person will take him back. Speaking from experience the pattern of abuse doesn’t stop you try and kid yourself it is better and is sometimes for a bit but the bad behaviour always starts again. You need to protect yourself and your children and show them how brave and strong you are. Get help either from family and friends first then from abuse support groups. They are confidential and will help you. Also write everything down it will help. Good luck you can do this and you will come out a happier person sooner than you think.

Please contact the police OP. Being blunt, that alone won't protect you from him but records of his violence and threats can help you get his name off the tenancy. Keeping him out of your home has to be your priority as this will be the most likely location for further threats to your life and safety.

A family member of mine was killed by her ex partner who she'd managed to separate from but he came back to the house to collect his belongings and killed her. He cut her throat and left her to die. Had she had children, who knows what he would have done to them to cover up his crime. He turned out to have had a history of domestic violence which she didn't know. This was his escalation and unfortunately sudden and devastating.

He's choked you and threatened you with a knife, so please do get your dad to change the locks today. It doesn't matter right now if you have a joint tenancy, keeping him outside is paramount, and please report every threat or abusive contact from him.

If you allow him back for another chance, at the very least you'll have to go through all this again.

It sounds like you have friends, that is good. Don't keep his violence a secret, it's not your shame OP.

I wish you all the strength, you can do this x

Please listen to the women on this post. They have likely lived through the same and had to make this difficult decision too. Sending you all the love in the universe. There are good times ahead for you. Just put one foot in front of the other and walk. Don’t think. Just walk. For your kids. Walk

Please keep strong he will say anything to get back as thats how the manipulation works. What he has done is unforgivable. He could have killed you … if he really wanted to change he would have done so before now.

block the mother she is always going to side with him.

Please involve the police. You are not safe when he can come back at any time. You are in danger. Having the incident recorded with the police should get them to you quicker if he shows up.
And the old 'breakdown' line is just that, another line to manipulate you.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. You have nothing to hide. By hiding the truth you are making both yourself and your children very vulnerable.

You need to tell the police, call WA and tell your family.

By telling the police you could get both an occupation order and non molestation order. Meaning that he cannot be in close proximity to you and also means he cannot enter your home.

Well done on separating from him. Now you need to do something a little uncomfortable and put your and your children’s safety first.

Ring Women's Aid. Get the police/social services involved. Why do you love such a man? He has behaved disgustingly towards your youngest. How can you be around him? Think that's worth unpacking.

Well yesterday was awful and saw me having to talk my husband down from a motorway bridge until the police arrived.

he is clearly not well. Hopefully will get the help he is needs now. But I feel like I’ve let him down, feel like I turned my back on him when hr needed me.

makes me question everything but I do still know our separation is for the best. It’s just so hard right now. Think I’m traumatised from the whole thing.

You have not abandoned him, his brain, warped by weed, has caused this. Look up cannabis induced psychosis.

you cannot save him, he needs professional help from qualified and experienced trained nurses, Drs and the whole team

I am so sorry for everything he is putting you through. Huge hugs. You are an amazing woman. Please get some support from your family. You need to look after you.

Op. None of this is on you. It's very possible that the bridge thing was a stunt to control you or maybe he is desperately unwell. Either way do not under any circumstances let him back in your house.

A desperate, self-focused person will try absolutely everything in their arsenal to get the result they want however wrong or irrational those wants are for themselves or other people.

You only have so much strength and mental energy and can only split yourself so many ways, @MummyM5. Your main focus now, although I'm sure you wish well for your husband, is the well-being of your children and yourself. I wish you strength for a better future. 🌹

I'm so sorry about this, op, but you have got to get fucking furious and harden yourself. This selfish, self-absorbed abusive prick is doing nothing but manipulating you with his bullshit "suicide attempts." It's all about continuing to control you, and you simply can't allow it.

Fuck him and fuck his enabling mother. Block the both of them.