End of 16 year abusive relationship

[MummyM5]

I don’t even know where to start. I can’t sleep it’s 4am and I have 3 of my 5 children in bed with me. My middle child is just so upset that dad has left and my two youngest can sense something is wrong.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years and while I love him the relationship has become increasingly unhealthy through his behaviours.

he has always had a jealous side and I would cause arguments when I would go out with friends. In recent months his behaviour has escalated to him becoming physical towards me (he choked me) and threatened me. I thought I was done then and tried to leave the relationship but of course he was sorry and made so many promises of change. So like a hopeless fool we resumed our relationship.

Until this week when my husband has become fixated on me having an affair with a work colleague. I am not having an affair what’s so ever, but he seems to have convinced himself I am and I was extremely verbally abusive towards me when I was driving home from work. He was saying he wanted to see all my messages. Prior to his he had managed to access my social media without my knowledge for a few days until I found out. His response was he did it because he doesn’t trust me.

I have never given him a reason to believe I have cheated in our marriage. At the very beginning he had been messaging other women but I forgave him.

following the abuse to me on my way home, I told my husband that he had to leave as I couldn’t carry on this way. We have 5 children and they are witnessing this behaviour and it’s breaking my heart. My husbands response was to leave but to say that he would be ending his life which resulted in his family sending a search party for him.

it’s been 48 hours now. He has been messaging apologising and saying how he can’t live without me. I have tried to explain that I’m being strong and making a decision that we can’t be together as our children cannot keep seeing us like this. To which he then threatens to harm himself. His mum seems to think that I should be doing more to help him but I’m struggling with the marriage breakdown myself, I feel so guilty for my children and I feel sorry for him and don’t want him to feel this way.

j know I am doing the right thing for me and my children. I guess I just need support to remember this when I am having my moments of weakness

OP if he was serious about killing himself he would have done it by now out of public view.

Motorway bridge? Manipulation, 100%.

I beg you, for your children's sake, don't take him back. Keep yourself and your children safe.

Tbh, much much better if he tops himself instead of you and your kids.

Wow he upped his game. Get angry and get out. This is no life for your children.

I went through a very similar situation years ago in my first marriage. Get angry. Get a restraining order. I thought I'd never be free of my awful, abusive exH. Years later my DC are grown up, I never see or hear from that bastard. Who is still very much alive I may add.
Anyone who pities him or tries to guilt you needs to be blocked immediately. Only deal with supportive people and don't second guess yourself. Suicide threats are manipulation and attempts at control because the usual tactics of threats and violence haven't worked.
You can get through this OP.

I hope you are ok OP. I didn’t want to read and run. Seriously though if he wanted to take his own life it would be away from everyone and quiet. It’s not a coincidence it was you who talked him down. He is extremely manipulative, doesn’t seem like there is a channel he won’t go down and very dramatic. I hope you get a restraining order ASAP. Mine threatened to take his own life. I had his mother messaging me saying how worried she was and why was I doing this. I did not reply to her or to him. He came kicking the door down I just called the police and had people stay with me. Mine eventually moved on to another lady (victim) once he understood that I would not rise. But they are all different so make sure your safely and that of your children is at the forefront.

Mine also smoked weed from a young age. I’m pretty sure it added to his mental state being so bad. The thing is he had to smoke to dampen all those thoughts he had. He also used to say that he would stop if I was better at making him not need it. I let it continue because I felt bad that I made him smoke…utter bollocks.

Thank you for all your support everyone. 😊

if has been a difficult week since I decided to end our marriage m, filled with lots of emotions which I am having to remind myself of the reasons I am feeling them. That I am not to blame (although being blamed by my ex and his mother). I’m really trying to take it all with a pinch of salt so not to be overwhelmed.

feeling rather angry and frustrated right now as have had to ask work if I can drop to 3 days a week as I just won’t be able to work full time now. They don’t think they can accommodate this request due to business needs so now I could potentially be out of work 😢

im sorry to hear that I’m not the only one to be or have been through this sort of thing. It’s does give me some hope though that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh my love, it will be hard but it is the only way and believe me there is light in the future. One step at a time.

Oh it’s better to be finding it hard because of reasons other then a manipulative abusive man. It’s hard it really is but it’s real. You can work through hard but you can’t work through crazy.

OP have you fully explained the situation to your HR/trusted manager and that it might just be on a temporary basis until you can sort other childcare options?

Most work places take their duty of care very seriously it's best to be open and honest