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Original poster

Should I be a godson or slowfade?

52 replies

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:30

Whilst she was pregnant, a close friend asked me to be a godmother to the child when they arrived. At the time, we were close and I was elated. However, I moved further away shortly afterwards and our friendship fizzled out. We don't speak or chat as often anymore and when we do, it's all about her. I've noticed my single stories (about how I'm still trying to meet someone nice) don't seem to interest her anymore. She just brushes them off and changes subject. I guess she's just tired of me being stuck in singlehood for years so I understand. She never came to visit me in my new city, whilst in the past when we lived a few cities apart, we saw 2-3 times a month mostly because I made the effort, whether it is proposing meet-ups/visits, or driving to her, or most time picking the tabs.

Just before and when the baby arrived, I kept asking to come see her and help with preparations or settling in but she declined saying they had enough support around and they want the baby to be slightly older before I came. So, I sent a gift. But in the same vein, she's told me other friends have come around.
All these made my excitement die down and I emotionally detached from this idea of being a godmother.
Now my friend is telling me they're ready for me to come visit. But I've lost interest.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a material godparent whose gifts are welcome but not so much their presence (one of the reasons my friend chose me is because I'm hardworking and giving, plus I'm single with no family so I have a bit to spare).

I'm just reflecting on my life and I'm always the one giving or making the effort. I doubt that my friend would be there for me when my time comes.

What do I do? Go see friend and new godchild (3hour drive away) and crack on with this godmother duty? or just continue to send gifts? or just slow-fade them once and for all?

Please advise and share your experiences with godparenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:32

Oops. Title should have been: 'Should I be a godmother or slow-fade'?

OP posts:
TrombonesAreNotBones · 07/04/2023 09:34

Have you been installed formally in your role as godparent yet?

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 09:35

Well, my DP is godfather to his niece and honestly, it hasn't come up once since the Christening. Some people might do it properly but I think for a lot of people, it's just a badge of honour saying "we like you".

Has the Christening happened yet?

Nimbostratus100 · 07/04/2023 09:35

I think you have made a commitment to the baby and should be building up a relationship with them

Your friend is in totally different phase of her life, and that could be why there is distance now, but a godparent is forever

Greensleevevssnotnose · 07/04/2023 09:35

I would let if drift to be honest. Sound like the kid is what, 2 years old now ? Quite late for a christening

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 07/04/2023 09:36

What’s the timeline for this? How old is the child? I my head I was thinking a year / couple of years old but then you said you’d never met the child so I assume a few months.
Also you’re not currently godmother if you’ve never met the child (no ceremony has taken place) so you don’t have to be god mother.

FiddleLeaf · 07/04/2023 09:38

It’s not a real, tangible thing anyway, is it?

I wouldn’t worry about it until there’s a christening actually booked in & then you could choose to decline or just go through the motions then.

Personally, I would let this current period slide. It’s a whirlwind with a new baby & everyone wanting to visit. She’s done well to setup some boundaries.

tinselvestsparklepants · 07/04/2023 09:42

Fade now. I was asked to be godmother to a child and it quickly became all about the presents. I felt really used. He's 12 now and I have stopped sending presents because I never otherwise hear from the family. I've left the kid something in my will to assuage my guilt but I don't feel I owe him twice yearly gifts and I'm really annoyed with his parents.

Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

OP posts:
WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 09:49

Based on the fact you’re even asking the question you should fade it out. For various reasons you are not emotional invested in friend or their child so it wouldn’t really be fair on them either.

For what it’s worth it does sound like you’re being a little judgy of friend. in the course of only a few months, during which time your friend was pregnant, you seem quite intolerant of the fact she didn’t come visit you (you were the one who moved!) and didn’t immediately want a visit, without considering from her perspective, maybe she found pregnancy exhausting and didn’t feel up to visiting you, maybe she has found being a mum overwhelming and wasn’t ready for you to see her yet.

If you’ve checked out, let her go.

MrsHamlet · 07/04/2023 09:49

I'm a godparent several times over. I am actively involved in the life of some of my godchildren. We see each other a lot, and we have a really strong relationship. The others I've not seen in years. I stopped making the effort when that effort was not reciprocated.

Theeaglesoared · 07/04/2023 09:49

You're not a godmother unless you've been to a Christening and said all the right words in front of the vicar.

Grumpi · 07/04/2023 09:52

Your friend does not sound as invested in this friendship as you have been!

It doesn’t matter that she’s in a different phase of her life, it takes 2 mins to send a quick message and Takes nothing to listen to someone’s updates / ask questions / take an interest. Friendship is two way regardless of whether one is more / less busy than the other. The new born stage is hard, absolutely but it doesn’t sound like this one sided behaviour has been just since the baby was born.

Also other friends have met the baby and been invited but you have not, and you’re meant to be godmother?

I have personally let a friendship like this slide in the past, and I was / am indeed godparent to their oldest. But it took me a few more years to find my own partner and have kids and in that time the whole friendship was based around her needs as a mother, absolutely nothing was focused on my life, my career, my wants and needs. I did a lot for her and the kids and in return she couldn’t even offer a drink or meal out once in a blue moon. If I wanted to see her, it was soft play or a cuppa on a weekend at her house with kids climbing over me and about 5% of her attention.

now I have kids of my own, I don’t treat my single friends like that. I maintain a friendship outside of my family life as well as fully welcoming them to be as much part of my kids life as they want.

Your friend sounds grabby and self centred. I’d be ditching this and spending your money and time on people who will give you the same energy back.

Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:53

I was very excited at first. Spent some time researching responsibilities of a godparent, and looked into enrolling in a language class to learn a bit of the second language which they wanted the child to be speaking.
I have a lot of love to give and moderately good values to share/pass on (and my friend said the latter too) so I was looking forward to having the godchild. But not anymore. Now she sends me photos and videos of godchild and I feel nothing- no connection whatsoever. I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me.

OP posts:
Rosesbloomingnow · 07/04/2023 09:54

I would slow fade

Snoopsnoggysnog · 07/04/2023 09:57

If the baby is only 6 months I think you need to give it a chance! You moved 3 hours away. It’s unreasonable to expect someone with a small baby to come and visit you at that distance.

AllAboutMargot · 07/04/2023 09:57

They're not religious but want a Christening?

Disneyforaweek · 07/04/2023 09:58

Nothing wrong with you at all imo, how could you be excited when you've had a pretty one sided friendship and not been invited to be involved in the baby's life so far?

Yeah she's in a new phase of her life and all that but it didn't sound like she was a friend that put effort in before anyway.

I'd probably distance myself if I were you or wait and see how long it takes for her to get in touch with you if you stop messaging

Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 10:03

WhiteBloatus · 07/04/2023 09:49

Based on the fact you’re even asking the question you should fade it out. For various reasons you are not emotional invested in friend or their child so it wouldn’t really be fair on them either.

For what it’s worth it does sound like you’re being a little judgy of friend. in the course of only a few months, during which time your friend was pregnant, you seem quite intolerant of the fact she didn’t come visit you (you were the one who moved!) and didn’t immediately want a visit, without considering from her perspective, maybe she found pregnancy exhausting and didn’t feel up to visiting you, maybe she has found being a mum overwhelming and wasn’t ready for you to see her yet.

If you’ve checked out, let her go.

Not judging my friend. I moved when she was one month pregnant. I invited her but she never came. I travel up and down for work so on few occasions that I've been driving past their city, I've offered to stop by but she's always said wrong timing.
When we speak, she tells me of other people they've visited or who have visited them. So I know she's not incapable of visiting me. However, this isn't a concern for me at all.
Im more concerned about whether to play godmother when I wasn't given access as I would have thought. So, should I jump straight into the role now when she is ready?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 07/04/2023 10:05

My (non-religous) understanding of a god parent is that they help bring the child up in a Christian way and support their religious and spiritual well being.
If they aren't religious what's the point?
Are you religious?

Otherwise isn't it like upgrading a family friend to 'Aunt' level in terms of expected gifts etc and not much else? I would slow-fade and say due to distance and other commitments you can't take on that role.

As for her not visiting you in your new place I'm a bit confused by the time line, did she move whilst pregnant/ had a newborn as that is quite understandable. And before that I suppose some Covid restrictions were still in place.

ChristmasJumpers · 07/04/2023 10:08

If you think the friendship is going to fade and you've lost interest, I would not commit to being godparent.

I have two goddaughters and I am really close to one (my cousin's daughter) but hardly know the other (my childhood best friend's daughter but we dont have much in common any more). It makes me feel really guilty as I'm a much better godmother to one than the other. Best not to commit if you don't think you or your friend will be willing to make the effort to keep your relationship going.

Getthefiregoing · 07/04/2023 10:08

You're not a godmother unless you've sworn at the christening to help raise the child in the Christian faith. You pledge an oath as part of the ceremony.

Have they asked you to the child's christening to do this?

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 10:11

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

Well you are not a god parent then. I think you should take that out of your decision about whether to continue with the friendship or not.

TrombonesAreNotBones · 07/04/2023 10:13

yeah, no, I would fade her.

You have no formal role to play in the child's life, you have no actual ties, beyond a conversation about being a godparent; cut the friend loose, move on.

tribpot · 07/04/2023 10:13

This seems a bit like asking someone to be a bridesmaid and then not getting married. You aren't a godparent or what Humanists would call a 'guideparent' until the ceremony has occurred.

So at this point I would slow fade. They could still ask you if they decide to go ahead with a ceremony but I don't think you have any obligation at this point.