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Original poster

Should I be a godson or slowfade?

52 replies

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:30

Whilst she was pregnant, a close friend asked me to be a godmother to the child when they arrived. At the time, we were close and I was elated. However, I moved further away shortly afterwards and our friendship fizzled out. We don't speak or chat as often anymore and when we do, it's all about her. I've noticed my single stories (about how I'm still trying to meet someone nice) don't seem to interest her anymore. She just brushes them off and changes subject. I guess she's just tired of me being stuck in singlehood for years so I understand. She never came to visit me in my new city, whilst in the past when we lived a few cities apart, we saw 2-3 times a month mostly because I made the effort, whether it is proposing meet-ups/visits, or driving to her, or most time picking the tabs.

Just before and when the baby arrived, I kept asking to come see her and help with preparations or settling in but she declined saying they had enough support around and they want the baby to be slightly older before I came. So, I sent a gift. But in the same vein, she's told me other friends have come around.
All these made my excitement die down and I emotionally detached from this idea of being a godmother.
Now my friend is telling me they're ready for me to come visit. But I've lost interest.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a material godparent whose gifts are welcome but not so much their presence (one of the reasons my friend chose me is because I'm hardworking and giving, plus I'm single with no family so I have a bit to spare).

I'm just reflecting on my life and I'm always the one giving or making the effort. I doubt that my friend would be there for me when my time comes.

What do I do? Go see friend and new godchild (3hour drive away) and crack on with this godmother duty? or just continue to send gifts? or just slow-fade them once and for all?

Please advise and share your experiences with godparenting.

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 07/04/2023 10:15

It depends how you view the godparent role. My kids' godparents view their role as to pray for the children, so if they do that, they are fulfilling their role even though we have no contact.

Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 10:16

Thanks to everyone for responding.
A few answers to some questions you've asked:

  1. I'm not a Christian. So, like a PP said, perhaps it's an informal upgrade to an aunt type of thing.
  2. There's been no Christening/ ceremony where one goes in front of a vicar so I've not sworn to anything yet, although the excited version of me was willing to do that. I've attended a ceremony before and did think this was what we'd do.
OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 07/04/2023 10:19

Can you ask your friend if she would still like you to be godmother and what she sees that role meaning?

PacificallyRequested · 07/04/2023 10:20

You sound very self-absorbed and not really understanding of the fact that friendships inevitably change when someone moves away or has a baby. I would love to hear your friend's side of this.
There's a middle ground between still being a godmother and cutting them off completely so I don't know why you would think those are the only two options, unless as I said, you have a tendency to make things all about you.

KnickerlessParsons · 07/04/2023 10:22

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

If they aren't religious, surely they aren't going to have god parents for their child
The role of a god parent is to support the religious upbringing of the child.

Getthefiregoing · 07/04/2023 10:22

If you're not so close anymore, haven't even met the child and they are now 6 months old, neither of you are religious...

I'd let go of this godmother notion. It's not going to happen.

Go quiet for a while and see if you hear from them.

KnickerlessParsons · 07/04/2023 10:25

I'm not a Christian. So, like a PP said, perhaps it's an informal upgrade to an aunt type of thing
2. There's been no Christening/ ceremony where one goes in front of a vicar so I've not sworn to anything yet, although the excited version of me was willing to do that. I've attended a ceremony before and did think this was what we'd do

If you're not a Christian you can't be a god parent anyway. Unless you lie when you make the oath.

Original poster
walkstall · 07/04/2023 10:32

IsolatedWilderness · 07/04/2023 10:19

Can you ask your friend if she would still like you to be godmother and what she sees that role meaning?

I could but I worry that it could lead to underlying conversations that I may not want to have - if they asked why I'm double-checking what's been agreed, what's brought about the change in mind, for example.

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 07/04/2023 10:39

walkstall · 07/04/2023 10:32

I could but I worry that it could lead to underlying conversations that I may not want to have - if they asked why I'm double-checking what's been agreed, what's brought about the change in mind, for example.

Show quote history

If they ask why you're double checking, just tell them you know things are different now that you've moved away and you wanted to make sure you were both on the same page? If she says no, you don't need to ask why. You could choose to take it at face value. Or you could ask.

If I am honest, the only reason I had the godparents I had for my kids was because I wanted the christening and the church required godparents. In your case it's not religious, so unsure what the friend means by asking you to be in that role.

Eyerollcentral · 07/04/2023 10:47

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

You aren’t a godparent. The child hasn’t been christened. You are just a friend of the mother. Don’t give it a second thought

ittakes2 · 07/04/2023 10:48

I think you might be over thinking this - its likely she has changed her mind over you being a god parent and in fact might be why she has put you off visiting as she was afraid you would bring it up.

BlueJellycat · 07/04/2023 10:53

If there's been no ceremony then it's not really official. I'd visit and see how you feel. It's going to hard to form any bonds with a child you hardly see. My kids have been christened but none of their godparents bar two even see them. It all meaningless without much contact

Getthefiregoing · 07/04/2023 11:20

I could but I worry that it could lead to underlying conversations that I may not want to have - if they asked why I'm double-checking what's been agreed, what's brought about the change in mind, for example.

If you are unable to have an open dialogue with the child's parents then I would argue that you're not ready to commit to being a godparent.

Perhaps the term godparent has been appropriated by the non-religious now and stripped of all meaning, but the only godparents I know are religious and swore solemn vows at the child's christening.

If it just means "I like you above all my friends and you can have special 'aunty but not aunty' status", well maybe just forget about the term "godmother" and focus on rekindling your friendship.

To be honest OP, if you were that close to this woman, you'd have met her baby by now.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2023 11:25

She is fading you out. I have a horrible feeling that the reason she wants you to be godmother is because she thinks you will leave your money to her child. She is not a friend. She didn't want you to visit, she's not interested in your life. Focus on other people in your life instead. I'm really sorry this sounds harsh but I am angry with her.

EmpressOfTheSofa · 07/04/2023 11:53

This is a massive overthink.

I would put money on you being a peripheral friend of hers and ‘omg I’m preggers, you’ll be like a godmother’ being a throwaway comment.

She’s not that into you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2023 12:58

PacificallyRequested · 07/04/2023 10:20

You sound very self-absorbed and not really understanding of the fact that friendships inevitably change when someone moves away or has a baby. I would love to hear your friend's side of this.
There's a middle ground between still being a godmother and cutting them off completely so I don't know why you would think those are the only two options, unless as I said, you have a tendency to make things all about you.

Not half as self absorbed as a non religious person not baptising their baby but still saying somebody is going to be 'a Godmother' is.

Sounds more like it's a 'this means you have to give the baby/me money as a gift every Christmas and Birthday', not what the name actually means.

CrkdLttrCrkdLttr · 07/04/2023 13:12

Stop sending gifts.

Ask them when the christening will be.

See what transpires …

dimpleton · 07/04/2023 13:59

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

In that case you're not his godparent 🤷🏼‍♀️

Abra1t · 07/04/2023 14:06

walkstall · 07/04/2023 09:44

Baby is approaching 6 months. I'm not aware any ceremony has taken place but again they're non-religious.

IF there's no ceremony and no indication of the role they'd like you to carry out and not much interest in you visiting until now, I think I'd step back for a bit. Don't put yourself out.

Usernameismyname01 · 07/04/2023 14:30

Sounds like at the time she asked you when first pregnant you were both close and she wanted you to be a god parent when/if they christened the child.

Until the christening happens, you are not a god parent.

You could ask when you next see her "have you booked a date yet for the christening?" And just wait to see what her answer is.

If no, then no pressure on you to do the duties and if yes, she will either bring up about you being god parent or she won't mention you as god parent. Either way you'll have your answer without asking a direct question.

For what it's worth, I have two children (teens), both not christened but when I was pregnant I mentioned to my closest friends that they would be good parents when the day comes. It never has and I don't consider them to be. They love me and my children as we are friends but that's it!

Robin233 · 07/04/2023 14:34

@determinedtomakethiswork

She is fading you out. I have a horrible feeling that the reason she wants you to be godmother is because she thinks you will leave your money to her child. She is not a friend. She didn't want you to visit, she's not interested in your life. Focus on other people in your life instead. I'm really sorry this sounds harsh but I am angry with her.

THIS

Reading between the lines she's not treating you well.
Let it go.
I have 2 god daughters
Never see one, rarely see the other.

Backstreets · 07/04/2023 14:39

Fade out. Mums are perfectly capable of maintaining friendships with single women, if they want to.

CovertImage · 07/04/2023 14:47

PacificallyRequested · 07/04/2023 10:20

You sound very self-absorbed and not really understanding of the fact that friendships inevitably change when someone moves away or has a baby. I would love to hear your friend's side of this.
There's a middle ground between still being a godmother and cutting them off completely so I don't know why you would think those are the only two options, unless as I said, you have a tendency to make things all about you.

I loathe these excuses for people who drop their friends when they have kids as though it's utterly impossible to have contact once they come along.

OP has already said that her friend is seeing other friends so it clearly isn't impossible in this case.

Aprilx · 07/04/2023 14:58

walkstall · 07/04/2023 10:32

I could but I worry that it could lead to underlying conversations that I may not want to have - if they asked why I'm double-checking what's been agreed, what's brought about the change in mind, for example.

Show quote history

Oh goodness please do not do this, I can only see it being very awkward to the point of excruciating for both of you. You are not a godmother. You would know about it if you were, you would have been invited to a ceremony and been a prominent participant in that ceremony.

billy1966 · 07/04/2023 15:36

OP,

You have been repeatedly brushed off for 6 months?

Absolutely do not get roped in to a job that will be about you spending money on her child.

If she was genuinely interested in your friendship she would have seen you asap.

She hasn't.

Don't be used.

Casual friends would see a baby in 6 months, not to mind the godmother.

Don't say a word.

Tell her you are busy when she suggests visiting.

Do a fade.

Should she be CF enough to bring it up, tell her as far as you were concerned she had rightly chosen someone living closer to her, that she is close to and would have actually seen her child in the first 6 months of its life🙄.

If there is no religious ceremony it is just a title she has given people that suits her.

She has blown you off for 6 months, blow her off back.

Do not be used.