His history- would this bother you?

[Islesands]

. …. Met someone online and been him for nearly a year and we are older.

From the offset he was honest and said since splitting with his wife 15 years ago he had a fair few relationships. After a few months, he did tell a bit more- he would go online and in particular, on websites for married women, looking for sex. Apparently there are lots of married women looking for extra martial sex but want to stay married, So he had quite a few affairs / sex with married women and it would fizzle out. Then he would meet someone, have a relationship and it would not work out and his heart would be broken, so he would go back online looking for sex and the pattern would start over again. He had around 4 relationships of around 2/3 years and then lots of sex with married women he met online

God I am not snow white and he said he was telling me as he wanted to be honest - and technically he was not doing anything wrong as he was not the married one.

So for the last year we got to know each other and we always seem to have a lovely time (in and out of bed) We have similar interests and outlooks and I have found him to be the most consummate sexual partner and obviously all his past practise is working in my favour ha ha.

He has declared his feeling for him (& I him) we have booked a holiday etc and talked about the future together and he has given me not reason to to doubt him.

But suppose I found some of history uncomfortable / uneasy and I am not sure why. He is fairly sexual liberal - he has had a couple of threesomes with an ex girlfriend around 10 years ago-and other sexual exploits/ activities.

I am trying to work it out and not sure if it there is some jealous feelings on my part or if I find it a all bit repulsive. Or a certain admiration as there has been any times in the past I wanted sex but did not know how to access it. He, like many men have separated sex and feelings and I have always struggled in doing that and was rubbish at one night stands, But in the early days there were times with him when I felt I was just another naked body- he does have a high sex drive.

Also I am bloody 52 and in some ways it is wonderful I had met someone I have a connection with- he is 53 ( our separate kids are grown up)

Would his history bother you? Looking for some insights I suppose….

That would be a massive turn off for me.

I'd be worried he'd be back on the hook up sites at the slightest prevarication.

I would also wonder why he felt the need to be so honest with you? If I was a man his age looking to build a life with a partner I'd keep my trap shut about a past like his. It seems needlessly boastful and unnecessary to me. Why on earth would you need or want to know about his past threesomes?

It's all just a bit grim really.

Hmmm if this were the other way round and it was a woman sleeping with married men, what would you think of her?

I'm not sure it would bother me a massive amount but I do wonder why he told you! My past is not exactly whiter than white but my DH really doesn't need to know any details so I haven't told him.

Do you trust him now? I'm a similar age to you and I have to admit, I'd be reluctant to give up a 'consummate sexual partner' who I got on really well with, but would also be reluctant to rush into anything long term/merging finances etc.

Of course he was technically (morally) doing something wrong 😵‍💫

It sounds a bit grim but none of us have a snow white history /background and I would say most people have done things they wished they had not done. Have you spoken to him about your feelings?

Someone with a lot of ex partners wouldn’t bother me but someone visiting sites and looking for married women definitely would. Maybe he is morally defunct, maybe one of those that gets a thrill out of targeting attached women? Sounds like he probably gets off on telling you all about it too.

Well he didn’t need to tell you and like you technically it wasn’t him cheating. I don’t think it would bother me. But easy to say when it’s not me.

The talking in any detail about past conquests would be a massive turn off for me and his morals are in the gutter re. his comment about him being single so shagging a married woman is alright. Maybe that’s what’s making you so uneasy?

Yes, men can separate sex from emotions much easier than women can.

A gentleman he is not.

while i would appreciate the honesty in telling me, i'd nope out because of dubious morality. Having multiple partners is fine, but specifically going for married women seems like a multitude of red flags...
-did he do it to ensure they would not want a relationship? can he not communicate it otherwise?
-was it an ego boost?
-is he just a sh*t person who enjoys causing drama and potentially hurting others?

It would depend....what would concern me most is he doesn't seem able to get insight into his emotions and manage them. It's better than what a lot of men do...use women for sex and break their hearts, or cheat. He wanted sex. He had sex with women who wanted to have sex with him and who weren't looking for a relationship. He didn't regard himself as a threat to their marriages because he wasn't. I suppose I'd be interested in his empathy levels generally and his commitment to personal growth and how this fits into the full picture of him. Realistically youre unlikely to find someone at that age who hasn't got a decent period in their life they regret.

It would bother me a lot that he actively sought out married women.

I think the biggest turn off for me would be him telling you all this tbh. OK so he clearly has suffered with a spot of sexual incontinence but I'd be more thinking about why you've had to be on the receiving end of knowing about it all?

Some things are fine to keep to yourself. This all pre dates you and there's no need to have been 'honest' with you because it is not your business

However he's now made it your business and I'd be wondering why he's done this

Post marriage I wanted sex. A lot of good sex. I didn't want a relationship, just sex.

Finding it online was easy. Finding someone I wanted to sleep with was less easy. It was a trawl wading through the slime to find a connection. Once the connection was found, I relaxed into it and the sex got better the more we had. I didn't want lots of partners, I wanted good sex.

One man I saw for a year was married. I knew that when we first started chatting, as his profile was clear. His opener intrigued me, so I replied. I got the (probably fake) story that his marriage was great, but his wife didn't enjoy sex and once a fortnight wasn't enough for him. He was flipping good at the start and then he got better. Blew my mind! Exactly what I needed. Great sex. No chance he was going to fall in love. Made it clear from day 1 he wasn't going to leave his wife for me. Which I was very happy about. The time we had together was amazing. We'd talk about his wife and I made him reflect on his adultery. I felt no shame over it as he was the one cheating and making his choices. Came to a natural end with him.

The 2 LTRs I've had post my "just sex thank you" time know about my sex blow out with all the men. Because they asked. I was brief, but clear. 1 asked details, so he knows about the married man. The other said he didn't want to know anymore about my life before him, so I kept details to myself.

If your man is past that "I want lots of sex" phase and is ready to move into a relationship, then I'd be okay with the information he shared...assuming the body language, the tone he shared it with, and the reason he shared the information all line up with a historical report rather than a "go me" attitude.

Fun fact... One man I slept with listed all his conquests, unprompted, after we'd had sex. He expected me to high five him that he'd slept with a woman 36 years older than him. I blocked him when I was sat back in my car 🤣

Why did he tell you all of this, did you ask?

He's gone into far too much detail about his desire for and sex life with other women, made it a thing even if it is history. We all have a past but it can't be unsaid once someone has gone on too much about it. I've told my partner that I would like past sex lives to remain a closed book for both of us. Sex and emotion are too closely related once you care about someone. Why make it complicated by extensively bringing talk of other people in?

Plus I don't think whatever his reasons were (guaranteed NSA) it shows a great moral character to deliberately participate in cheating.

So pretty damning from most of you. But I did ask.

He told me he wanted to be honest -sometimes he does not have a filter and he must have thought it was relevant and I need to ask him. I did not get all the glory details and he certainly was not boasting about his conquests as some you have alluded to.

Also the married women online were actively looking for sex too ( while staying married) so he did not have to look far.

But mainly he said he did not want to get into a relationship as his heart had been broken but wanted sex.

@Shoelacesundone thank you for your comments and yeah I am suppose I am still trying to get that picture of him. He is not the most romantic of men, he is kind, intelligent, reliable and has a certain attentiveness- and I do feel cared for and valued, and I can only go on how he has treated me.

Interesting people are asking about his morals generally and he does not appear morally defunct but then how do I know really? He said that ex girlfriends have used the fact that he slept with marred women against him in the past, and I have never done that and part of me does not care, but as admitted above, part of me does care if I am honest.

You would know because he's told you that he knowingly and purposefully slept with women he knew were married? What does he mean they 'used it against him'? Did they not just make a model decision themselves to not associate with someone like that?

No, no and no!
He sounds grim and off putting as hell!

Everything you wrote here would be a red flag / dealbreaker for me.

Going after desperate married women 🚩
His personality seems to only be about sex🚩
Boasting about it to you🚩🚩🚩
High number of sexual partners 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
No self control🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Pp said: none of us have a snow white history
Speak for yourself, don’t drag the rest of down to the sewers with you.

Anyway, op, I’m suprised you can even look at him anymore, nevermind share a life with him.

I think he told you because he's preparing the ground- "this is what I'm like, this is what I do" essentially.

I'd not be surprised if it's ongoing rather than in the past.

He split with his wife 15 years ago and has since had 4 2/3 year relationships and multiple affairs in between. Has he ever spent any decent length of time single or not sleeping with someone?

Was he heartbroken after each relationship ended? Was he the one who got dumped?

I don't really buy that all the sexual relationships with the married women just fizzled out, even if they and him had said they just wanted sex surely if he had multiple affairs at least a couple would have ended with some kind of drama or feelings etc.

How is your libido? Do you think the relationship has longevity if your libido lessened in the next few years?

*moral decision

The fact he has got a bit of a past at his age would not bother me,

It's fact he sounds Very Needy for self gratification in between relationships like its a compulsion,
It's Addiction terriority isn't it...

That's what i would find off putting,

How on earth 🌎 could you keep up with Hi sex drive needs,

He would struggle to be in a conventional normal ish relationship with Hi maitence needs in that Regards, when it comes to that Aspect of a relationship,

So it would be a definite No for me,

Unless you were someone Who was exceptional open minded enough to explore the idea of an open relationship/marriage

"He is definite not the One,"

I think you would end up definitely feel like like a blow up sex doll or sex Robot 🤖 from Adult only Shop in the back alley side street

He is too obsessed with Sex, there is more to a relationship than that Aspect of it,

You would end up feeling Used,
What struck me too you mentioned in your Op Thread you felt like just a human body for his gratification,
You should Never feel like this with Anybody !

Whether it was cause of his past is having that effect on you ,

It's not a good feeling

I would just move on from this one,
Easy to do that,

At least something good that come out of this though

You have had a good time sexually, discovered mo Jo,

So will have happy memories in due course about that,

Just move on and meet someone who is a much better fit for you..

I agree with @category12. Why the need to tell you all the details? Sounds a bit like he’s preparing the ground for ‘I told you who I am’. Has he changed his patterns? If yes, why? If yes, why now? What’s different? Why would the relationship with you be different from the other short term relationships he’s had ? I’d be curious to find out.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He may be the nicest guy on earth, but has he changed?

I completely agree with @category12 , 'this is what I'm like and what I do'. I suppose he has a weird morality there. Married women because he doesn't want the fuss of a relationship/hurting anyone he sleeps with. Telling you his history in detail so you know what to expect. It's not just a one off, its a pattern. 2/3 years and then his relationships break down....he's the only common denominator. Have you ever asked why the relationships broke down? When he told you about the married women bit did you express how odd you felt about it?

It would be a no from me.

I don’t trust anyone who says ‘I was heart broken so sought out married people to sleep with’. They are essentially saying that they couldn’t cope with their own feelings and instead sought out situations where I took part in screwing someone else over.

I certainly don’t agree he didn’t do anything wrong as he wasn’t married. For me, having affairs and having sex with other people, usually, strays into emotional abuse. I wouldn’t take part in the abuse of anyone then claim ‘oh well I didn’t promise to treat them well, so I am not doing anything wrong’.

But my other reason is, in my experience, men like this don’t make good long term partners. They often, blame women for their behaviour. Don’t trust women relationships progress, because they have had lots of contact with unfaithful women and assume they are the same. They often have trust issues in long term serious relationships. And generally are not good at dealing with their emotions.