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Original poster

His history- would this bother you?

53 replies

Islesands · 05/04/2023 20:53

. …. Met someone online and been him for nearly a year and we are older.

From the offset he was honest and said since splitting with his wife 15 years ago he had a fair few relationships. After a few months, he did tell a bit more- he would go online and in particular, on websites for married women, looking for sex. Apparently there are lots of married women looking for extra martial sex but want to stay married, So he had quite a few affairs / sex with married women and it would fizzle out. Then he would meet someone, have a relationship and it would not work out and his heart would be broken, so he would go back online looking for sex and the pattern would start over again. He had around 4 relationships of around 2/3 years and then lots of sex with married women he met online

God I am not snow white and he said he was telling me as he wanted to be honest - and technically he was not doing anything wrong as he was not the married one.

So for the last year we got to know each other and we always seem to have a lovely time (in and out of bed) We have similar interests and outlooks and I have found him to be the most consummate sexual partner and obviously all his past practise is working in my favour ha ha.

He has declared his feeling for him (& I him) we have booked a holiday etc and talked about the future together and he has given me not reason to to doubt him.

But suppose I found some of history uncomfortable / uneasy and I am not sure why. He is fairly sexual liberal - he has had a couple of threesomes with an ex girlfriend around 10 years ago-and other sexual exploits/ activities.

I am trying to work it out and not sure if it there is some jealous feelings on my part or if I find it a all bit repulsive. Or a certain admiration as there has been any times in the past I wanted sex but did not know how to access it. He, like many men have separated sex and feelings and I have always struggled in doing that and was rubbish at one night stands, But in the early days there were times with him when I felt I was just another naked body- he does have a high sex drive.

Also I am bloody 52 and in some ways it is wonderful I had met someone I have a connection with- he is 53 ( our separate kids are grown up)

Would his history bother you? Looking for some insights I suppose….

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 06/04/2023 06:55

@Shoelacesundone
I have a Re think I think Shoelacesundone post was extremely insightful, I think she is right ,
I think she has hit the Nail on the Head with her perspective emotional intelligence post

I Agree with you

Susieb2023 · 06/04/2023 06:55

His number of sexual partners wouldn’t bother me. The fact he doing them in desperate married women who were cheating on their husbands would.

He’s set you up so you’re prepared for more when he decides to go fishing again.

It also feels as though he prepared you to be the ‘cool girlfriend’ about it all with his comments about previous partners.

Feels off!

Puppers · 06/04/2023 06:59

This would completely put me off and I doubt I’d get past it. It's not the number of partners or the high sex drive or the threesomes; it's the way he appears to compulsively seek sex at difficult personal times. And specifically sex with married women. I don't agree that affair partners are innocent bystanders; they may be the ones who are married, but they can't cheat by themselves. His actions have undoubtedly caused a great deal of hurt over the years to some of the husbands and children of the married women he has slept with. It's hard to imagine that this isn't part of the illicit thrill for him.

The fact that, at the ripe old age of 53, he seems verging on sexually incontinent and hasn't developed better coping mechanisms in the face of "heartbreak" would be a major red flag to me. Is it chicken or egg - does he display these compulsive sexual behaviours when his relationships breakdown, or is the truth that his relationships breakdown because he can’t sustain long term monogamy and control himself? What will he do when your relationship is going through a rough patch? Run off and find himself some married women to shag? And I would wonder where his compulsive (maybe even addictive?) habits are being channeled at other times. Does he have a big porn habit for example?

Nah. This one has disaster written all over it.

Alcemeg · 06/04/2023 07:08

None of it would bother me at all. Sounds like a pragmatic approach that worked. I like his honesty.

WunWun · 06/04/2023 07:17

This is one of those weird Mumsnet things. If this were someone talking about a woman who was actively seeking out married men to sleep with, everyone would be saying what a piece of shit she was 😁

CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 06/04/2023 07:19

OP, this would bother me -

He is fairly sexual liberal - he has had a couple of threesomes with an ex girlfriend around 10 years ago-and other sexual exploits/ activities.

Unless you are into this kind of stuff I'd give him a pass.

IMO this kind of guy is looking for a testosterone/adrenaline rush. He wants variety and won't be satisfied with a 1-on-1 relationship.

If you want a FWB set-up it would be OK, but I wouldn't rely on him to provide anything 'traditional'.

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 06/04/2023 07:32

I wouldn’t judge him on any of that, only on how he behaved and treated me. But you have to feel comfortable, perhaps see if you can get to the bottom of that feeling? Are you worried that you won’t be enough, or that he’ll stray?

userfred · 06/04/2023 07:47

I'd just be careful that you are not part of this cycle that he's told you about.

Chinuplippyon · 06/04/2023 07:49

Hm. I don't like the bit about exes 'using it against him'. In what way? As in, not trusting him because of his participation in cheating, or his habits in seeking out more and different types of sex? Or not of the former? That's not using it against him, that is not being comfortable with his behaviour. Sounds like he is priming you to be different and cool here. Would you be happy with threesomes, swinging, whatever else? He may not have got this out of his system. Fine but he needs to be clear. The detail he went into seems a bit salacious if he has no intention of doing these things any longer.

Justleaveitblankthen · 06/04/2023 07:49

Provenza · 06/04/2023 06:40

I agree with @category12. Why the need to tell you all the details? Sounds a bit like he’s preparing the ground for ‘I told you who I am’. Has he changed his patterns? If yes, why? If yes, why now? What’s different? Why would the relationship with you be different from the other short term relationships he’s had ? I’d be curious to find out.
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He may be the nicest guy on earth, but has he changed?

Agree with this completely.

As an aside, where did these multiple encounters take place?
Did they individually all troop round to his for a daytime quickie? Use their marital homesbed? Local premier Inn? 🤔
It's all a bit grim..

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/04/2023 07:55

You do know that the very moment you have a blip in the road with him, he'll be back on those sites? I would be incredibly put off. I agree that he is telling you this so that when he does it again, he will say that you knew what he was like.

Theyresexpeoplemn · 06/04/2023 07:56

I would want to know a partner's history before I had sex. Then I could choose to not to, with a story like that.
I know this doesn't help you now, but tbf only you know if it's below or above your bar.

heldinadream · 06/04/2023 07:56

@Islesands so he was once married and has grown up children or at least one child, but you say nothing about the enduring quality of his relationships with these most important people in his life. Do his children love and value him and he them? Do they come first for him or does his sex life come first? These are the kind of things I'd be asking myself about him if I wanted to understand him in the round, rather than in a compartmentalised way, IYSWIM.

lv884 · 06/04/2023 07:56

It’d be a no from me as we’d have very different views about marriage and fidelity. Even if I wasn’t married/in a relationship, I couldn’t be the other woman, considering how I could destroy a marriage/relationship and family. Sorry if this comes across as sanctimonious. (I know that sometimes affairs start when two people are in toxic relationships where they aren’t treated well.)

I’d also wonder about what happens when the novelty of a newish relationship and the sex wears off. Will he start looking to get his kicks elsewhere? Will he start suggesting we have a threesome? Is this perhaps why he is telling me, testing the waters and seeing if I’d be open to it? These are just some of the questions that’d go through my mind. I’m not a prude but I’d rather just have good sex with one person, who I’m in a committed relationship with.

AprilFool23 · 06/04/2023 10:02

He didn't regard himself as a threat to their marriages because he wasn't.

Statements like this always make me laugh - he wasn't a threat to their marriages only because one spouse in the marriage was being deceived in what most people consider to be the most fundamental way.

On a much "lighter" front, a woman (whom I'd say is quite far on the asd spectrum).told me I shouldn't be bothered about my then bf attending a lap dancing club and having a table dance on a stag do after I told him I'd be uncomfortable with it, and then trickle truthing me about it ..... Because "she isn't a threat to your relationship".

Well, it is actually - because of how I feel about the whole thing; the other person in the relationship, remember them.

AprilFool23 · 06/04/2023 10:04

Things being fine only because one person is kept completely in the dark, and because the person doing something to them doesn't plan on leaving them ..... Is a fallacy.

AprilFool23 · 06/04/2023 10:06

I think it reflects low integrity.

If a woman did it, people would think she was a sex obsessed, selfish, untrustworthy, immoral, desperado slapper.

McSlowburn · 06/04/2023 10:12

He sounds a bit...different I guess. Very liberal and honest.

I don't think it's a red flag necessarily but it would worry me that knows where to go to get easy, uncomplicated sex at the drop of a hat.

AprilFool23 · 06/04/2023 10:16

Oh and there are some, not lots maybe, but some single women looking for fwb. Why didn't he concentrate on trying to find one of them.

Tescoland · 06/04/2023 10:23

It would bother me. His dick has been everywhere and in everyone 😁
Make sure you use condoms while it lasts.

Original poster
Islesands · 06/04/2023 10:53

Thank you for your comments and I feel emotional as I write this - Of course we have discussed his past relationships and it appears miscommunication appears to be the downfall ,and when they all went on joint holidays with their respective children. We have been away together and got on fine. His kids are grown up now and he has a good relationship with them and I have witnessed this, however I think he probs has undiagnosed ADHD or at least ADD and he agrees -he can be impulsive, does not have a filter (hence being very open about his past) and thinks about a million things at once. However he is not typical as he is very organised - at home and at work, and is never later, but he does have a high sex drive which can be an indicator esp. in men.

Am I just going to another women as part of his pattern...I can only go on how he has treated me, and I am treated with care, respect and empathy and he says he see us having a future together. I keep going to @Shoelacesundone message and yes he wants things to be different but my instincts have been nibbling away at me for the past year and I am trying to understand why....

OP posts:
samestyle · 06/04/2023 11:07

This isn't one to hope to settle down with, past history has a strong trend for the future. You are flavour of the month until he's bored.

StarlightLady · 06/04/2023 12:18

I think it depends what exactly you are looking for. It wouldn't bother me as such but it would make me slightly cautious and make sure that I was in control of my own emotions. I would see how things went.

SunshineAndFizz · 06/04/2023 12:32

Set the bar higher.

mummymeister · 06/04/2023 12:49
  • and technically he was not doing anything wrong as he was not the married one....

This would be a massive red flag and a no from me. No matter what he was like. You know that this is wrong that out there are other men who have no idea that their wives/partners are doing this. If he doesnt respect the sanctity of a relationship and the responsibilities to the other person in it that this brings then ultimately he wont respect you. he will have no problems lying and cheating you if he wants to. Is that what you want from a relationship?

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