My partner is adding up debts behind my back

[Almost5lady]

Does anyone out there have a partner that lives with them and keeps accumulating debts behind your back and lies about it? My partner of over 3 years lives with me and when he moved in with me into my family home, he didn’t make me aware of his debts. I only found out when we looked at extending the house together. Since then he’s had two loans to pay credit card debts off and he does it behind my back. What’s your advice?

Those that lie about money and run up debt don't improve. They also are very good at lying about other things.

OP, I want to echo what other people said about checking your credit file as soon as possible. You may have no reason to think your credit is not excellent.

But if you are financially linked - like on a mortgage- to someone who has plenty of debt, your credit rating is going to go down as a consequence. Do you understand? The longer this goes on, you might not be able to get him off the mortgage even if you wanted to because you yourself are no longer creditworthy and will not be approved.

You really do need to put your emotions to one side and take a clear eyed view of your situation.

OP if you have got to the end of this thread, well done, it has been a brutal and honest wake up call and is uncomfortable reading.

Move forward carefully, like someone said upthread, you are the financial parent forever, he will never be trustworthy around money. He is dishonest about money and says his overspending is on everyday items which means he either
a) is impulsive with his spending and overspends
b) doesn't / can't budget or stick to one
c) is secretly spending, check his cash withdrawals are they high each month?

Cash spending could be gambling or female/male personal services.

Explore why he has been divorced twice, have you seen his divorce papers?
Some people are excellent manipulators

“Keeps accumulating debts behind your back”.

Those so much to unpick in that sentence.

Keeps - more than once
Debts - speaks for itself
Behind your back - trying to hide them

An unexpected car expense, overspent at Christmas etc, fair enough. These are ‘excusable’ debts. However, to continuing run up debts, and then try to hide them, and not sort them, is a problem. Have you been bailing him out, or is he robbing Peter to pay Paul?

unless he’s upfront and honest, and has a money management plan he sticks to, then he’s never going to change.

I’m wondering whether his ex’s cheated or threw him out as well.

Yes a month before my partner of 3 years moved in took a loan out never told me and I was paying he’s debts for 8 months I felt I couldn’t do this anymore so he left me I think he left because I put my foot down on the debts as I had my own but he said he left me because he couldn’t live with me oh well least I have my money back now he’s gone I find new different debts each time

Make sure your contraception is 100% and entirely in your control. That’s my advice.