My partner is adding up debts behind my back

[Almost5lady]

Does anyone out there have a partner that lives with them and keeps accumulating debts behind your back and lies about it? My partner of over 3 years lives with me and when he moved in with me into my family home, he didn’t make me aware of his debts. I only found out when we looked at extending the house together. Since then he’s had two loans to pay credit card debts off and he does it behind my back. What’s your advice?

My sister had one of these… it cost her thousands after she booted him out. Bailiffs turned up for years afterwards (even though the bills in question in those cases weren’t jointly owed). Basically she was known to have been his partner so debt collectors targeted her when they couldn’t find him. Joint things like council tax and electric she had to pay back as you are jointly and severably liable (I.e. both parties are considered to owe up to the full debt and they’ll chase whoever can pay). Her credit is still destroyed years later. Get shot of him now!

Get him off the mortgage/deeds/anything with joint ownership. Make sure he has no claim on your home. Keep your finances entirely separate. In your shows I’d seek solicitor’s advice to make sure I was well protected because he will, in time, utterly balls this up.

Why on earth will you put him on your mortgage without finding out his financial situation first?!?

Oh OP, you’ve been dreadfully foolish.

Please get advice to get him off the mortgage and out of your home.

No man is worth foreseeing your children’s security.

OP has not been back since April.

Update … he is still on the mortgage and I look after the expenses…. Before he was put on the mortgage we both went to a solicitor and drew up a contract .. he went along with whatever u wanted to do, so if anything happens my equity is protected. He is shit with money but from every other point of view he is great. He looks after my youngest and takes her to school as well as his own children, he cooks and cleans and holds down a good job. He would never cheat on me and no one is perfect and finances are his downfall. We are working on this together… it’s not ideal granted… but it’s worth working through .

Ok you are in a difficult place. He is on the mortgage and deeds (to get said mortgage) you have a letter of trust.

You need more awareness. He can get secured credit against the house. Remove all mortgage documentation from the house and change the password on the mortgage account or his access to it. Hopefully he won't use the joint mortgage to get credit. Pay to be alerted on your credit record (after checking it is in order). If he really wants to work on this he will show you his debt and repayment plan and work out what he can live on. His credit cards need destroying his overdraft slowly decreasing. Clearly he is living beyond his means. Can he sell anything to raise funds. Change jobs for a decent salary increase? This is your chosen life, always scared he has taken out more credit. You have been foolish and put your home at risk. He will hate you for the financial boundaries and be miserable. This is your life now

you are always going to be the parent in this relationship and he is always going to be the child. not a very sexually attractive situation really is it? so you will take on the sole responsibility of money. all the time, no let up. eventually you will have to take in all his income then hand it out to him like pocket money. but still he will go behind your back and borrow and eventually that debt will catch up with both of you. in 10 years time you wont have nice holidays or be able to afford to upgrade your car or have nights out because he will have mired you in debt. he has control over who he is. he is choosing not to have control over money. are you sure he isnt a gambler as well?

I don't like the sound of this. Keep a really close eye on your credit score. Being financially tied to this man may already have brought your rating down.

I worked with a women once who's husband was so bad with money they he didn't even have a debit card. He had to ask her for pocket money. What an exhausting way to live for both of them. Don't be his parent and look out for yourself.

Unbelievable that you would risk your security with a financially dishonest man.

Your poor children.

You are being very foolish.

Do not feel sorry for my children. They have the best mother they could ask for. They have everything that they need and their inheritance is not at risk ….

I am not in a difficult place … at any point in time I can ask him to move out. He doesn’t own half of the house etc … regardless of his money issues … like I said… he is a decent person… and this isn’t some woman that is blindsided by love … I have a sensible head on my shoulders and have been through so much pain previously that I am never putting anything at risk again !

You can say what you like @Almost5lady and I HATE it when people pile on to an OP BUT you signed your children's security over to a man you had known for 3 years. Due you realise how monumentally stupid that was? You put a man in front of the children you created. I just can't believe it and i cannot get my head around any women with decent self esteem doing something as daft as this. Whether he is shit with money or not, it doesn't matter, you just handed over something to a bloke rather than protect your children. Your desperation shines throughout your update.

You don’t know me or him …. At what point have I handed everything over 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have put legal
documents in place before he moved in ! Nothing has been handed over to him and nor would he want part of the house if he did move out … the decision was thought out and definitely not stupid !

You acknowledged earlier in the thread you would have to give him money to get him off the mortgage.

The declaration of trust doesn’t mean you can make him leave. He would still own the property with you. You can make him just leave and take his name off.

and please don’t say ‘he wouldn’t do that’. People do all sorts of shockingly bad things during a break up that no one would have expected.

Ok then 🤦‍♀️ look good luck with everything. It wouldn't be for me but you do you. Let's hope he doesn't start hiding stuff from you again.

I get the feeling that OP has been told some very hard truths that she doesn't want to face.

OP isn’t some
silly little school
girl blinded by love …! This is real life with real people and a family … nobody is perfect and if my partner is making an effort to mend his ways with money then I’ll take that … like I’ve said previously in every other aspect he is perfect for me and my family. Too many people give up on relationships… and I’ve learnt from this thread that the majority of people will judge you and I’ve opened myself up for this … 🙈 be kind

OP, keep this thread somewhere, cut and paste or whatever and revisit it in 5 years time. this is a major flaw in your relationship, not someone who doesnt put the dirty towel in the wash basket. tension over financial control is horrible, it really really is. if you were such a strong independent woman why have you allowed yourself to be put in this position. its not about giving up on a relationship its about a fully grown adult lying about financial matters. you do you, crack on but know that this in 99.99999% of cases does not end well. and no, I wont be kind. if you want kindness rather than the truth then this isnt the right place to post.

Jesus wept. I think you have position this as just a hurdle you and he have to get through to establish your love story.

Not enough people give up on a relationship even when they can see their partner is inclined to lie and hide things from them.

’Nobody is perfect’ is a massive understatement.

Presumably she would have to give him money because he has been contributing to the mortgage. Why do you think he should walk away with nothing from paying part of the mortgage?

You don't know what the declaration of trust means because you haven't read it.

The OP has been too trusting to link up financially with this guy but she is not responsible for the fact he lied to her about his debts. The fact he was able to go on the mortgage should have been reassuring, it's quite difficult to get a bank to give you a mortgage if you are in lots of debt.

OP, read your OP.

He's a dishonest liar that you clearly did not know when you decided to put him on your morgage.

A morgage you have had for 6 years.

You had no need to do that.

He could have paid rent to you.

You had zero need to hand over a share of your house to a liar who is awful with money, and has continued to accumulate further debt and continues to lies.

Your defence of him and your denial of your reality is really sad.

Have you not been hurt and used enough?

Why would you make yourself and your children vulnerable AGAIN by picking a liar?

You say your children are protected?

They are not.

He's a liar, you have no idea what he is capable of.

I feel so sorry for you and your children because I have no doubt you have further stress and upset coming towards you because you refuse to face the truth that he is a dishonest liar.

Of course he is lovely too🙄.

They often are.

You are playing Russian roulette with your childrens home when you had absolutely no need to put him on the morgage.

A mother with cop on, who really wanted to protect her childrens home wouldn't dream of taking this chance.

Keep re-reading your OP.

A continously dishonest liar is who he is.

Wake up and protect yourself before its too late.

I mean the above kindly.

You are being spectacularly naive if you really think this known dishonest liar isn't capable of screwing you over.

I think you have misread.

Where did I say he shouldn’t get anything?

I was answering ops claims that she can just ask him to leave and isn’t risking anything. And saying ‘he wouldn’t want any part of the house’. Op has no idea how he would react if they were splitting.

I have never heard of a deed of trust that stipulates you can go on the mortgage, pay part of it but not have any rights and be made to immediately move out of the other person requests it. have you? And Op doesn’t think that’s in the deed of trust because she acknowledged, she would need to pay him money if they split. Which is what I said.

She absolutely is taking a risk.

and where did I say she is responsible for his lies? She is responsible for risking her own security. Because he could be amazing and the relationship still not worked out. Which still leaves her and her children in a difficult and complicated situation.

Op is responsible for her own actions. Including the choice to stay. Including the choice to believe ‘he will pay towards the mortgage but never want part of the house’ but she is responsible for his lies. And at no point did I say she was.

Mark my words, this will come back to bite you on the arse. These men never change.

You 'put him on the mortgage'?

If you have a joint mortgage, you are financially linked.

His credit rating is linked to yours. If he is financially untrustworthy (and lying about accrued debt means he is) then he will take you with him when he goes.

You can love him, house him and endlessly forgive him op, but there are no legal documents which can protect you in these circumstances.