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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stop me still doing everything

64 replies

Unicornsparkle1000 · 04/04/2023 13:18

My dc will be starting secondary school next September. I have been a sahm since dc was born(. 10 years ago). I love being at home but when dc goes to secondary school I will get a job as I won't be needed around the house so
Much. Currently dh works full time and as I'm at home I do everything, I mean everything, everything that is needed to be done In the home I do it. We also have no family help so all childcare is down to me, as in laws aren't interested and cos of my childhood I won't trust people with my children He doesn't lift a finger which I get as I am at home. The problem is when dc starts secondary school and I hopefully get a job how do I get him to help with everything? He currently gets up gets himself ready for work, goes to work, gets home (tea made for when he walks through the door) has the evening to himself until he comes up to bed. I get up sort dc out with breakfast and anything else they need take them to school. Take dog for walk for 2 hours come home do all the housework get dc from school make dinner. Tidy up, Spend time with dc before bed, make sure they shower etc. I have told him he's selfish but it doesn't make a difference I had a mini breakdown last summer (nothing serious but I just wasn't coping) rather than giving me a break he worked from home. He gets a break whenever he wants but I feel I need to be home due to him being on call and might need to leave when he gets a phone call (he's not on call all the time).

OP posts:
Botw1 · 04/04/2023 13:26

He's unlikely to change of you get a job but I think you know that.

Youve let him away with it for too long.

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:35

You divide up all the household jobs into a spreadsheet, and allocate 50/50.
And if he doesn't do his half, you don't step in and take over. Not once.

You need to stand solid on it though... it's taken me years to get DH to take equal responsibility. He had a spectacular meltdown last weekend because he had 3 baskets of ironing to do where he'd let it build up, and no clean shirts for the next day. He banged, smashed, sighed, made a 3 act play of out his drama. I put some silicone earplugs in and completely ignored it. I later pointed out that the dry cleaners will iron for him, at £8 a shirt. He's very bewildered that I'm no longer standing there for 4 hours doing it while he sleeps in his chair...

pickledandpuzzled · 04/04/2023 13:38

I'd tell the family that now you work, Saturdays are now going to be household days, for catching up with chores.

I'd tell him you'll keep cooking, but he and the DC will need to clean the kitchen together.

And I'd get a cleaner.

Sistanotcista · 04/04/2023 13:43

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:35

You divide up all the household jobs into a spreadsheet, and allocate 50/50.
And if he doesn't do his half, you don't step in and take over. Not once.

You need to stand solid on it though... it's taken me years to get DH to take equal responsibility. He had a spectacular meltdown last weekend because he had 3 baskets of ironing to do where he'd let it build up, and no clean shirts for the next day. He banged, smashed, sighed, made a 3 act play of out his drama. I put some silicone earplugs in and completely ignored it. I later pointed out that the dry cleaners will iron for him, at £8 a shirt. He's very bewildered that I'm no longer standing there for 4 hours doing it while he sleeps in his chair...

Love this, Badger. Good advice.

Deathbyfluffy · 04/04/2023 13:46

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:35

You divide up all the household jobs into a spreadsheet, and allocate 50/50.
And if he doesn't do his half, you don't step in and take over. Not once.

You need to stand solid on it though... it's taken me years to get DH to take equal responsibility. He had a spectacular meltdown last weekend because he had 3 baskets of ironing to do where he'd let it build up, and no clean shirts for the next day. He banged, smashed, sighed, made a 3 act play of out his drama. I put some silicone earplugs in and completely ignored it. I later pointed out that the dry cleaners will iron for him, at £8 a shirt. He's very bewildered that I'm no longer standing there for 4 hours doing it while he sleeps in his chair...

Solid advice - but of course only if you're also full-time working similar hours to him.
Housework should ideally be split taking into account the other person's working hours and pattern - I work part-time so I tend to do more than my wife.

RedDoughnut · 04/04/2023 13:49

What are you getting out of this marriage?

Stripycatz · 04/04/2023 13:56

Ok, be prepared for things to slide a bit, then just stop doing stuff. Everyone needs to do more including DC.
Pick one chore at a time and establish a new routine. So, for washing, get everyone a washing basket and explain that they'll have to do their own from now on. There might be chaos initially, but they'll get there.
For meals, get everyone to contribute a meal ideas they can do themselves, sandwiches or beans on toast are fine. Then allocate a day (or 2) for them to cook it. They can swap days if schedules change.
Check your language. They are not doing this for you. Instead of "Can you do xxx for me please", say "the xxx and the xxx needs doing today, who's going to do what?" You can work on them doing jobs unprompted in the future.
Trade! If someone asks you to do something, say, "well I was going to clean the kitchen, but I'm happy to iron your shirt if you clean the kitchen while I do it.
Make some time for yourself and prioritise it. Yoga class, book club, walk round the block, whatever. Make it non negotiable and don't give in.

I think you also have to accept 2 things:

  1. that what you see as a priority, and what they see as a priority are different; some give and take is often needed.
  2. Their standards and methods will be different to yours. Don't redo the job because it wasn't done how you'd do it. They'll get better with practice.
Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 14:06

I'd also suggest getting a cleaner - that has stopped a huge amount of arguing. We split the cost. Ours comes on a friday so the house is always clean for the weekend, and I don't have to spend all my time off cleaning.

Antiquiteas · 04/04/2023 14:18

He won’t change. He likes doing fuck all for anyone except himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 14:34

"The problem is when dc starts secondary school and I hopefully get a job how do I get him to help with everything?"

To be honest I do not think you will at all succeed. You'll end up working outside the home as well as in it. I would therefore also get and expect him to pay for a cleaner.

He lives there too; he is equally responsible for what happens within the home in terms of chores. Do not frame this as he "helping" you.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you with him?.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/04/2023 16:57

RedDoughnut · 04/04/2023 13:49

What are you getting out of this marriage?

Sounds like she was getting all of her bills and housing etc paid for so she could stay home for her children even after they went to school.

Which was of course a valid choice, but it also means it's not right to imply her husband was doing F all. Some help would have been great yes, but he wasn't dossing around.

OP, all I can say is that you have to talk to him and explain how it will be. If he refuses then you have the answer that he's a giant dickhead.

iamenough2023 · 04/04/2023 21:26

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:35

You divide up all the household jobs into a spreadsheet, and allocate 50/50.
And if he doesn't do his half, you don't step in and take over. Not once.

You need to stand solid on it though... it's taken me years to get DH to take equal responsibility. He had a spectacular meltdown last weekend because he had 3 baskets of ironing to do where he'd let it build up, and no clean shirts for the next day. He banged, smashed, sighed, made a 3 act play of out his drama. I put some silicone earplugs in and completely ignored it. I later pointed out that the dry cleaners will iron for him, at £8 a shirt. He's very bewildered that I'm no longer standing there for 4 hours doing it while he sleeps in his chair...

Great advice @Badger1970 and good for you!

UWhatNow · 04/04/2023 21:43

Making a spreadsheet isn’t going to turn a selfish prick into husband of the year.

He has sat idly by all these years and watched you run yourself into a breakdown. He hasn’t cared one jot about the affect on your mental or physical health. And what a poor role modelling to your DC. What do they think a normal relationship looks like? Man does nothing/woman does everything to the point of a mental health crisis…

Why are you not seeking a better life for yourself and your dc?

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 21:46

Yes, divide up the jobs (not necessarily 50/50 depending on your working hours) and then hold firm and don't step in to do his stuff. Maybe you can be nice and let him choose his chores, to get him to buy in to the new system.

frozendaisy · 04/04/2023 23:09

Does he see the work in the house as less?

If he doesn't it shouldn't be a problem

tothelefttotheleft · 04/04/2023 23:12

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:35

You divide up all the household jobs into a spreadsheet, and allocate 50/50.
And if he doesn't do his half, you don't step in and take over. Not once.

You need to stand solid on it though... it's taken me years to get DH to take equal responsibility. He had a spectacular meltdown last weekend because he had 3 baskets of ironing to do where he'd let it build up, and no clean shirts for the next day. He banged, smashed, sighed, made a 3 act play of out his drama. I put some silicone earplugs in and completely ignored it. I later pointed out that the dry cleaners will iron for him, at £8 a shirt. He's very bewildered that I'm no longer standing there for 4 hours doing it while he sleeps in his chair...

What made you change your stance on housework?

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 04:10

Start going out when he's not on call.
He needs to learn how to look after his kids & house, you need to get some personal time.

Don't wait until you are working either. You need to start getting him used to the idea that the domestic goddess show is coming to a close.

SkyandSurf · 05/04/2023 04:31

RedDoughnut · 04/04/2023 13:49

What are you getting out of this marriage?

It sounds like she's been a SAHM of one school aged child for years. How much housework can there be?

Absolutely when she has a job household tasks need reallocating but if I worked full time, financially supported my husband while he had 6 hours a day 5 days a week to himself then, yes I'd expect him to tidy the house and cook dinner.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2023 04:32

I think you'll struggle to train the DH. The kid you need to not miss the boat. Why are you getting breakfast for an almost secondary child and reminding them to shower?

You're both creating another generation with you as the only person doing anything at home.

SkyandSurf · 05/04/2023 04:35

@Unicornsparkle1000

What weren't you coping with that caused the mini breakdown?

Does your dog really need a two hour walk every day? Could you allocate that task to DH or even your teenage child now?

I agree with the above, hire a cleaner. Maybe a dog walker. Make a spreadsheet for the rest and allocate according to free time.

He shouldn't be relaxing while you're doing chores if you are both working, but at present you are free to sit down and relax during the day while he is working, evenings are his 'free time' and I would argue that the school hours are your free time.

Original poster
Unicornsparkle1000 · 05/04/2023 08:10

Thanks for the replies everyone, I totally get it's my job to run the house and look after the dc. Don't have a problem with it, love doing it, my issue was that i wanted some advice on how not to be the only one doing it when I have a job. Totally get my dh shouldn't be doing anything in the home while I'm not working. The dog does need a 2 hour walk every day as they are very high in energy and two hours tires them out. I had a breakdown as for 15 years (there is an older child also) I have been looking after a children and I'm not joking when I say i don't get a break, everything my dc's have needed has been down to Me every day. I have never had a day when I haven't had to be a mum, I don't get any days off ever, even when I'm ill as they still need looking after (well not so much now but you no what I mean)

OP posts:
RoundLikeaCircle · 05/04/2023 08:23

OP it sounds like you’ve made a massive rod for your own back to be honest.

> Why have you done absolutely everything 24/7 since day 1?

> Why have you not taken any personal time at evenings and weekends?
> Why are you afraid of babysitters? And why haven’t you tried to get therapy for those things?
> Why has your DH been allowed to rest and do nothing every evening and weekend since the start?

The majority of SAHM’s I’ve known do everything during school hours and some other bits and pieces but share the household load over the weekend and DH’s have various tasks in the evening to support the household. Why are you expected to be at the beck and call for everyone 24/7?

KILM · 05/04/2023 09:17

I mean... do you not think its a bit weird that a man whos to love you and the kids doesn't actually want to engage in any parenting or partnership?

YRGAM · 05/04/2023 09:26

RedDoughnut · 04/04/2023 13:49

What are you getting out of this marriage?

Her house and bills paid for her?

Original poster
Unicornsparkle1000 · 05/04/2023 09:29

Thanks for the reply
> Why have you done absolutely everything 24/7 since day 1?

When I got with dh I already had my other dc, I had a dc and a house to run while working so new how to do everything, dh came from his mums house where she did everything for him. So when we moved in together it just stayed like that. As I was used to doing it all. Before anyone says older dc is dh's step child dh shouldn't be paying for them dh took dc on as his own I never asked him to do this he wanted to. Older dc's day is terrible and dh treats them as his own, he would adopt dc if he could but dc's dad is still aprons and can't. He is dc's dad in all ways other than biology.

> Why have you not taken any personal time at evenings and weekends?
Stuff needs to be done over evenings/weekends, and dc's are at home evening/weekends and as a sahm i need to be here if need anything.I also still put you her dc to bed every night. Yes dh could do it but doesn't
.
> Why are you afraid of babysitters? And why haven’t you tried to get therapy for those things?
I went through a lot of trauma as a child so
Much I have been diagnosed with complex ptsd caused by childhood trauma. I have had therapy but you only get 6 sessions and that isn't enough. I no the damage people can do to
Children and don't want to put my children in any kind of danger, I no not everybody is dangerous but I'm not willing to risk it as I'm still
Living with what happened to me as an adult.

> Why has your DH been allowed to rest and do nothing every evening and weekend since the start?
I feel very lucky to be able to stay at home until younger dc goes to secondary school, as a result of this I feel my dh does need to not have responsibility of life during weekend evening time and just needs to chill.

OP posts:
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