How to stop me still doing everything

[Unicornsparkle1000]

My dc will be starting secondary school next September. I have been a sahm since dc was born(. 10 years ago). I love being at home but when dc goes to secondary school I will get a job as I won't be needed around the house so
Much. Currently dh works full time and as I'm at home I do everything, I mean everything, everything that is needed to be done In the home I do it. We also have no family help so all childcare is down to me, as in laws aren't interested and cos of my childhood I won't trust people with my children He doesn't lift a finger which I get as I am at home. The problem is when dc starts secondary school and I hopefully get a job how do I get him to help with everything? He currently gets up gets himself ready for work, goes to work, gets home (tea made for when he walks through the door) has the evening to himself until he comes up to bed. I get up sort dc out with breakfast and anything else they need take them to school. Take dog for walk for 2 hours come home do all the housework get dc from school make dinner. Tidy up, Spend time with dc before bed, make sure they shower etc. I have told him he's selfish but it doesn't make a difference I had a mini breakdown last summer (nothing serious but I just wasn't coping) rather than giving me a break he worked from home. He gets a break whenever he wants but I feel I need to be home due to him being on call and might need to leave when he gets a phone call (he's not on call all the time).

One of the benefits of having 2 incomes is having some more discretionary spending and saving ability. Why not consider the 2 of you sharing the cost of a deep cleaning service twice a month ?

I’m going to suggest that no dog needs 2 hours of exercise (I have springers). Brain games, stuffed kongs, yak chews, other mental stimulation is more tiring than endless running (which long term will wreck their joints) Sorry, probably totally irrelevant to the thread, but 2 hours is crazy. The more you exercise a dog, the more it wants.

@Unicornsparkle1000 I've been reminded of this today and wondered if it might help you. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

DCs of 10 yrs and over get their own breakfast and make their own way to and from school.
Pay for dog walker.

I don't know how to resolve the lazy DH, but much of the work can be reduced by giving your DCs age appropriate responsibilities, and lowering standards.
Dinner is tricky for us, but DH learned to cook ( sort of) when I upped my hours when DS started secondary school.

It's not true that he shouldn't be doing anything in the home while he has a stay at home wife.

For example, does he wipe his own bottom? Or is that your job because you are at home and he works?

No, see so there is a line somewhere.

I think it's where his impact on the home begins, so he makes cereal, he puts that dish in the sink and puts the box back. Maybe not wash it up, fair enough, but he picks up after himself.

I think it's fine for one person to take charge of keeping the home tidy, it doesn't really work to have two men one ladder anyway. It's just me and my daughter here and I will be teaching her how to keep her home tidy, as I would if she were male, but I wouldn't want her to take charge or even 50/50 charge of how it's done, just pick up after herself and HELP alongside me, and that's a mother/daughter relationship, it's different to husband/wife.

With the husband if he's leaving you to clean his shit from the toilet that's just disrespect, and that's the problem in ALL of these situations, including my own past situation. They just treat you like a skivvy because that's what they think of you.

Can you imagine going into the kitchen and making a sandwich and leaving crumbs all over the side and walking off? No, you can't, because you probably can't imagine having that level of disrespect for another person (save your parents probably where they magically came in and cleaned it and then likely had a go at you for being disrespectful and expecting them to pick up after you because that's what they always did)

These men don't respect us, this is the issue. It often comes alongside a much bigger level of disrespect too; we have to submit to their sexual desires, they can cheat on us, speak to us like crap etc. etc.

It makes me sick.

I know there are many women who have found a decent guy, I know a few who have, so it's not some genetic fault in the male sex.

These are just disrespectful horrible excuses for people, but there are so many of them and once you have children with them you're trapped because now you either stay and put up with their abuse, and it is abuse, or you leave and they start using your children as pawns because people who are this nasty (and yes, you do have to be nasty to treat someone this way), have no empathy for their children either and will abuse them to hurt you.

I don't have a solution for you here because you're in the last paragraph there and trapped.

Aside from stop walking that dog, tell him he starts walking it by the next day or you're leaving it at a shelter. He will tell the child you're being evil getting rid of the dog and then you will see what I mean by hurting the children to hurt you. Then you will see him for the nasty individual that he is.

Again, I don't have advice for you at that point either, you're trapped in this now, just like I was.

All I think we can do now is educate our children against this insidious situation that embodies this website.

I’m not sure why you feel you haven’t had a break if you’ve had school age children for the last 5-6 years and not worked during that time. 6 hours a day is plenty of time to get the household jobs done and have a break every day.
I’d suggest a conversation with all the household members about how the jobs will be divided up. Your children should be contributing to the household jobs as well. Childcare won’t be an issue as you will most likely be starting to leave them on their own for short periods of time to help prepare them for secondary.

Get a cleaner. Best thing ever.

Thank you for the replies everyone and some very good tips when the time comes, when I say I don't have a break even though the dc's are out of the house, I guess you could say that's my break from being a mum, but it isn't I still have to be the one to go and collect from school if they are ill or anything and do all the jobs that need doing.
What I mean by break is not being a mum for a few hours,
Someone else having the responsibility eg my dh. In the same way my dh can go out weekends evenings doing something he enjoys and not be a dad cos he deserves a break.
I guess it a mental thing as it's mentally draining to be a mum sometimes. As for the dog they properly don't need 2 hours walking I do it cos they enjoying being out so much

I really don’t get how this is a problem right now- it is only an issue when you also have a full time job and then you can spend some money on a cleaner!

of course you are the one to collect a sick child from school- you don’t have a job!

Your husband working full time is what affords you this luxurious position of not working though kids are at school. I reckon you have more free time than the vast majority of mums.

I don’t identify with anything you have said there about being a mum and not being able to have a break. All the parents I know (both working and not working) are able to go out and do so when they want to. You should be able to to say to your husband that you are going out and he will be looking after the children.
Genuinely don’t understand the feeling of them being at school and you not feeling able to see that as ‘you time’. It doesn’t take 30 hours per week to maintain a household therefore should allow you plenty of time to fit in leisure time for yourself.

Op, can I ask whether this feeling stems just from you or whether your DH's words and behaviour has contributed to it? Has he said that he works and therefore you have sole responsibility for the house and kids or have you just assumed that? It isn't normal for a dad to do nothing for his kids regardless of whether he works.

Likewise do you feel like you have to be 'on duty' even when your kids are at school? If you plan to do something for yourself do you feel guilty?

Also, do you have equal access to all money and do you feel as though you can spend any money on yourself?

Unless you're oh is abusive e and refusing to allow you to go out, in which case you need to leave, the only person stopping you taking a break on the weekend is you.

You dont need a job to take up a hobby or go out with your friends

I don't understand - why does he deserve a break and you don't? Because his work earns money and your work doesn't?

What happens if you're ill? What happens if you're invited away for the weekend? What happens when he's on leave from work, does he do nothing then either? Does he even know how to do anything in the house?

From the sound of it, he's 'agreed' to you going back to work but the unspoken part of that agreement was 'as long as it doesn't affect me in any way'. I'd start talking to him now very factually about which jobs he will be taking on when you go back to work, e.g. cooking or school runs or laundry. I think it will quickly become obvious he has no plans to do anything, that your job will be another thing you have to manage on top of everything else you already do.

I would want to wake up from this nightmare!