How to stop me still doing everything

[Unicornsparkle1000]

My dc will be starting secondary school next September. I have been a sahm since dc was born(. 10 years ago). I love being at home but when dc goes to secondary school I will get a job as I won't be needed around the house so
Much. Currently dh works full time and as I'm at home I do everything, I mean everything, everything that is needed to be done In the home I do it. We also have no family help so all childcare is down to me, as in laws aren't interested and cos of my childhood I won't trust people with my children He doesn't lift a finger which I get as I am at home. The problem is when dc starts secondary school and I hopefully get a job how do I get him to help with everything? He currently gets up gets himself ready for work, goes to work, gets home (tea made for when he walks through the door) has the evening to himself until he comes up to bed. I get up sort dc out with breakfast and anything else they need take them to school. Take dog for walk for 2 hours come home do all the housework get dc from school make dinner. Tidy up, Spend time with dc before bed, make sure they shower etc. I have told him he's selfish but it doesn't make a difference I had a mini breakdown last summer (nothing serious but I just wasn't coping) rather than giving me a break he worked from home. He gets a break whenever he wants but I feel I need to be home due to him being on call and might need to leave when he gets a phone call (he's not on call all the time).

I attended a webinar on this recently and a lady on it said that each weekend she writes a list of everything that has to get done that week. Take dog to vet, get outfit for World Book Day, do the online shop, etc. Then everyone has to take a few jobs from the list and do them. That way everyone can see what has to be done and everyone has responsibility for some of it. I thought it sounded a good idea.

• What's the trigger for you returning to work?

• Is your husband happy you're gong back to work or prefer you running the home and not working?

I returned to work last year after 17 years as a SAHM. Professionally job. My husband fully supporting me going back to work. It's been far harder for DH to adjust than it has been for me. So if your DH isn't on-board with thr decision, I can see it being a battle ground.

Im
confused. You have a school aged child ( reaching end of primary, so not like a 5 year old or something. You don’t work outside the home. I’d expect you do all household tasks and all child related tasks as you are free 9-3 Mon- Fri for 39 weeks a year.

Worry about household task division when you actually have a job.
Im bemused by the responses saying she should divide the household tasks- now? Her husband should divide the bills then and she should earn half the household income.

This can’t be for real

Yes I do get my house and bills paid for your quite right, but my dh gets everything done for him. I don't no why it's such an issue that my dh (who is more than happy for me to be at home with the dc's) has to pay the bills. If I was working he would still be doing the same job so I don't see what the issue is, if my dh doesn't have a problem with me not working why do other people care. When I go back to work I will contributing to the money in the house. Right now I'm not, but I am raising our children.

I don't quite understand this. Both DCs are at school all day, surely you get a break then? Unless you live in a mansion, there can't be enough housework to fill up 5 days a week.

I also think posters who say the husband is idly lying about have conveniently forgotten he is working full time to support the family financially which is presumably the only reason the OP has had the luxurious option of being a SAHM to one child who has been in school for 6/7 years already, if is looking at secondary schooling next.

what nonsense

I had a similar boggle recently going from part time to full time. Husband was accustomed to the bulk of stuff being done, although hes pretty good at picking up after himself. After a week I told him that he would have to do more in the house than just the kitchen. I shouldn't have had to tell him but he immediately switched how head on.

Ask your husband what household shit he's going to take on when you start working full time. His answer will tell you where his brain is at. Then you can have a conversation.

If he won't, then it's either you don't go back to work or he looks after himself. No cooking, washing or anything else the magic fairies do for him

What's the trigger for you returning to work?
I want to go back to work, I wanted to be at home until you be dc went to secondary school so I could be there for everything as I felt it was important to me. It will be easier once she is in secondary school as no school holidays, pick up drop off etc.

• Is your husband happy you're gong back to work or prefer you running the home and not working?
He has said I don't have to go back to work if I don't want to, but I don't feel the need to be at home with no kids needing me to be there all the time, and I do want to go back to work.

@Unicornsparkle1000

Does your oH have any relationship with his kids?

I cant believe you've allowed him to completely absolve himself of any parenting for all this time

Or that you've made yourself a martyr ti your kids for all this time

There's no way a man who has done nothing but go to work for his whole life will change now

No I don't live in a mansion, buts it's not just housework that needs doing there is more than then. Anything that is needed to be done at home is done by me, again no issue with this as this is my job

OP I feel so sad for you, the terrible thing that happened to you in your childhood is continuing to affect every part of your life. Can you see that by trying to protect your children from that awful thing, you are setting them up to fail as adults? They need to learn some independence. They can't always be relying on you every single waking second when they are not in school. You must let go a little bit. Help them to stand on their own two feet.

Yikes. This is going to be hard work for you. He came straight from mummy doing everything to his special new mummy who he can have sex with, doing everything.

And that’s how it’s stayed.

It is unthinkable that you have never had a day off, never been able to go anywhere, so anything. Have you ever even been out for a drink with friends?!! I don’t think you have.

You’re going to have to become incredibly tough, unshakeable and no-nonsense. Present him with a spreadsheet showing a clear division of labour.

Do not martyr yourself and do his when he (and he will) spectacularly fail to do any of his. He’s used to you doing it and he knows fine well you’ll cage and do his as well as yours, while working full time. DON’T.

You need to teach your kids to grow up a bit and take responsibility for themselves. They can get their own breakfast, they can shower themselves, sort their own laundry, make their own beds, do their own homework, get themselves to school, put themselves to bed…! You’re currently creating a new entitled generation who expects the woman in the house to wait in them hand and foot. And that is wrong.

You need to protect yourself and your time and I’ll say it again, you need to wise up and toughen up, and do not cave and wind up doing it all. You’ll crash and burn, and as you’ve already learnt, there’s fuck all support for you in your house.

He doesn't have a relationship with the kids, however the kid have a closer relationship with me and rather than going to dh they come to me for anything, but that's just cos I'm always there and dh isn't, that isn't a dig at him. He can't be in 2 places at once. We do have family time where we are all together and he has time with them then

Sorry that should say does have a relationship

@Unicornsparkle1000

But he doesn't work 24/7

Theres no reason he couldn't have done bed times or got up with them or had them on his own at the weekend

You've created this as much as he has

Do you have sons by any chance?

@TwilightSkies

She has a dd.

Either way is just as bad

I was in your shoes a few years back.

Several things

1. Drop your standards. You have had 9-3 to manage the household. It does not need that length of time. You and your DH do not have that amount of time to spend on the "house" if you go back to work
2. Agree that you can get a cleaner. Takes the cleaning out of the equation
3. Agree with your DH that you will get a handy-person and know someone who can do the bigger, time consuming gardening jobs in. This way you do not have to factor in finding time for these.
4. Work out remaining household responsibilities. Include cooking, laundry, food shopping, kid-taxi-service/after school clubs, making pack lunmches in this.
5. Work out what can feasibly done by the DC. Agree an allowance (token) in return for some jobs.
6. Agree how much time you and your DH are prepared to devote to chores Is this realistic.
7. Find a solution to the 2 hour dog walks!

Then you have your starting point. A spreadsheet, like PP said. Divide it up. Share stuff out over the week. You maybe used to emptying the bins or cleaning the dining room windows on a whim....but if others are involved you have to let your whims go. Have a schedule. So, Tuesday is bin day so Monday evening DS2 empties the bins around the house and takes the wheelie bins to the end of the drive. But this means, just because you see your bedroom bin is half full and feel the urge to empty it, you have to let go of the urge to just do it/and or the rest...don't. You are doing a reset so have to actually let the new way of life settle in.

It is doable, but will take work.
It is 100% worth being back at work.
Daily routines are your friend if you can (load of washing on a timer at 8am, finishes at 5pm just as I get in, gets hung up/put in tumble drier, 1 DC responsible for folding and sorting in return for her allowance.) to try and prevent a backlog which means more to do at the weekend.
Get a robo-vacuum cleaner.

Still not sure how you are the fuck you are going to sort the dog out

@Unicornsparkle1000

Can you tell us what tasks are filling your days apart from housework, cooking and walking the dog? What else needs doing in the house?

Genuinely, I'm not having a go at you. It would be helpful to know in terms of what will need to be reallocated and what will have to stop.

My children attend a school with a mix of career women mothers and SAHM with wealthy husbands. When I talk to the SAHMs I sometimes feel bad they talk about household tasks I just never ever do and aren't a thing in my house: they do toy rotations, organise their pantries (decanting cereal into matching containers), make their own cards and wrapping for presents, change their cushions for the seasons, 'deep clean' their front porch, scrapbooking.

All lovely if you have the time, but not necessary and really need to fall by the wayside if you're squeezing a career into your life as well.

A long winded way of saying, make a list of how you are currently spending your time and then cut out anything that's not strictly necessary. Then outsource and automated whatever you can (cleaner, robot vacuum, direct debits), give the children chores and independence, split the rest with DH according to how much time you each have left in the week.

Have you talked about you returning to work?
Part of that discussion is chores and how they're being managed and what changes you need to implement.
Dc can take on a lot more responsibility now and dh can step up too.
In fact, they should be doing some chores already in order to become competent adults.

If he's just been on his own every evening and not interacting with his DC's, how good a parent is he really? He should want to to talk to them, help them etc from time to time, not because of it being a chore, but because it's the whole point of wanting to have DC - loving and building a relationship with them. Did he actually want to be a parent, or was a unilateral decision you made as it sounds like he isn't interested in them really?

There's a reason women always seem to be expected to be responsible for looking after the children/housework, rather than working to support themselves financially and its because some women continue to allow it.

Yeh, I had an H like this. I wasn't coping and his solution was to buy a robot hoover.
I got a job when DC was at school after much pressurisation and promises to help.

He didn't help. I left him.

I still do more or less everything aside from a few hours a week. But I've so much more energy from not being resentful and angry at having an audience while I struggled.

If I were you, I'd get a PT job and set wheels in motion. Get a dog walker in the meantime.

I think there are a few options or perhaps a range of things you need to pick and choose from.

You've been on hand to answer your kids demands the last decade. They are off to secondary school and so they will need to be responsible for their own stuff... getting to school if possible, organising their stuff, making their lunches etc. It will be good for them and they will get there eventually. Don't be tempted to micromanage.

With your dh, talk through the jobs that need doing and priorities. The extra money you earn will benefit the whole family so is a good thing. Work out if you all need to outsource cleaning. Lower your standards re cooking etc. Go for quick and easy. Divvy up lifts to after school stuff etc. Agree so that you both get equal jobs and equal downtime.

Your older child should be walking the dog for a start. You could do a short walk in the morning and then the older child can do a longer walk or play with the dog after school.

I've had dogs most of my life, so I understand to some extent, but a dog that needs two hours of exercise a day should be living on a farm.

Two hours just on dog care a day is excessive.