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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alcoholic husband but he isn't aggressive/violent/out of control

58 replies

spindrycycle · 04/04/2023 08:46

My husband drinks far too much, at least a bottle of wine a night, usually more.

I see other posters talk about their husbands and drinking, and people saying they need to quit drinking and do AA etc because the husband is argumentative or unpredictable.

My husband falls asleep on the sofa and forgets conversations, and often sleeps very late, but that's it. I want him to stop, but have I got any grounds to deliver ultimatums?

OP posts:
DoctorQuack · 04/04/2023 08:52

ultimatums don't work when there is substance abuse and relapse is part of the recovery journey as very few stop once the very first time.
If you want to stay with him you will need to be supportive, get support for yourself and be very patient. All you can do is have a frank conversation.
Don't expect he'll be dry overnight forever it hardly ever works out this way. You could ask he cuts down and support him with it. Tell him how it's affecting you and suggest a plan for alternative drinks, activities in the evening or de-stressors.

LicoriceComfit · 04/04/2023 08:54

You are allowed to raise any concern and start any conversation you like. He is allow to take it on board or ignore you.

Only issue ultimatums if you mean them.

is it a deal breaker for your marriage? By being sozzled all night, forgetting conversations and sleeping late, he can’t be contributing much emotionally or financially.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 08:55

have I got any grounds

It's not a court of law. If something means enough to you, then you decide for yourself that you will issue an ultimatum. It's not that you need to meet a set of externally verified requirements. Whether you choose to issue an ultimatum or not says something about you, and your boundaries.

If you don't like the fact that he eats raspberry yoghurts, and it's affecting your feelings for him, you have 'grounds' to issue an ultimatum.

What's he said when you've tried to talk to him about it up until now?

Original poster
spindrycycle · 04/04/2023 09:07

He just says that he likes wine, and it's not that bad because he's not out of control and doesn't beat me up or damage things. That, plus other posters talking about how awful their drunk husbands can be, makes me think maybe I'm overreacting.

But he isn't very present. I often end up sleeping alone. I have to remember all the important dates and times for things because he never does... it feels less of a partnership, more like I'm his mum.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 09:17

But he isn't very present. I often end up sleeping alone. I have to remember all the important dates and times for things because he never does... it feels less of a partnership, more like I'm his mum

It's not really about the drinking, is it. If he could drink, and keep up his end of the relationship, you'd be ok with the drinking. It's that he's not being the partner that you want. Have you talked to him about how he's actually letting you down, and been specific, like you have here?

DoctorQuack · 04/04/2023 09:19

Yeah your update I don't think that's necessarily from a bottle of wine a night. You should get a shared calendar and set alarms when he is sober or have a notice board on fridge or something, most couple do stuff like this even if teetotal. Most women do end up doing life admin.
If you don't have children you could just end it with him.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:21

How long been going on for?

does he ever cancel plans? Not able to go in to work?

do you have children?

pointythings · 04/04/2023 09:21

A bottle of wine a night is 70 units. That's in hazardous to health territory - he's putting himself at risk of heart disease, liver disease, alcohol related dementia, cancer and of course ED. He's also not bringing anything positive to your life - you say yourself you are having to do everything because he's too drunk. You don't need more reasons than that.

However, you cannot make him stop. Only he can do that, and he isn't going to - he's got a cushy life with his booze and a wife who does all the work for him, why would he change?

So it's up to you what you want to do. Are there children in the mix? If so, get the hell out because having an alcoholic parent will massively affect them. Look at the NACOA website and read some of the stories there. If no children then it's about you: do you want to live like this, do you want to end up as his carer because he has wrecked his health?

You can tell him you want him to stop, but chances are he won't listen to a word. That means it's about what you want your life to be. Any ultimatum you deliver will be on you, not on him - and you owe it to yourself to follow through.

All I can say is that life without an alcoholic partner is immeasurably better than life with one - I've been there.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 09:25

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:21

How long been going on for?

does he ever cancel plans? Not able to go in to work?

do you have children?

Those things are his problem, and make no difference to OP's problem, which is that she's unhappy. Whether he lets himself down or not is irrelevant.

daisychain01 · 04/04/2023 09:25

You'll probably become his nurse-maid over the long term. Every alcoholic who ever says " but I'm fine because I can cope" are selfish enough to leave out the bit about what happens when they start to suffer health issues from their excessive habit. It's always about what they want or need not their family.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:28

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 09:25

Those things are his problem, and make no difference to OP's problem, which is that she's unhappy. Whether he lets himself down or not is irrelevant.

Show quote history

Well actually when you’re married… someone constantly cancelling plans or losing jobs is your problem

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:29

Particularly if you have children

and quite odd you can’t see that

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 09:37

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Like so many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic. You feel like his mother not wife. You are also playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses that include provoker, enabler and codependent partner.

Did you grow up yourself seeing a heavily drinking parent; what attracted you to this particular man?.

No, you are not overreacting at all. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its likely never been with you either. Alcohol is a cruel mistress and he is saying all the usual things alcoholics say to you. He is also in denial of having any sort of problem and that is common to many alcoholics.

You cannot make him stop drinking entirely; that is not down to you to decide. Your H has to want to address his alcoholism of his own accord and at the present time he does not want to, he may never want to either. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

You cannot help him but you can and should help your own self here because you are also well caught up in his alcoholism. Your own recovery from this will not properly start until you have separated entirely from him. Do consider attending Al-anon meetings; you will meet other people there.

An ultimatum will only work if you are fully prepared to follow it through, if not do not bother. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

If he is not present now then its not going to get any better. How many times have you made excuses for him and otherwise covered for him with regards to social occasions, his workplace etc.

You do not mention children, do not bring kids into this toxic mix.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 09:43

And even if there are no children I would still put the wheels forward in motion to leave him because his primary relationship is not with you but alcohol.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 09:56

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:29

Particularly if you have children

and quite odd you can’t see that

Cheers for pointing that out.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 10:20

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 09:56

Cheers for pointing that out.

Show quote history

🙂

Bananalanacake · 04/04/2023 10:29

Does he hold down a good job for all the money to pay for this alcohol.

ThatLibraryMiss · 04/04/2023 10:37

My husband drinks far too much, at least a bottle of wine a night, usually more.

A bottle a night is what you know about.

You need to decide whether you're willing to tolerate this. If you are, what's your line in the sand? When it escalates, how far does it have to go before you've had enough?

Google
partners of alcoholics uk
and find a group online or near you. You'll find people who've been in your shoes and who still are. They'll support the decisions you make.

anotheroneortwo · 04/04/2023 10:41

NC for this but I drink that much and am most definitely an alcoholic. I've recently given up. It was getting to 3 or 4pm and I started thinking about wine. I was always conscious of how much wine was in the fridge, worrying about whether there'd be enough to last the evening. I'd gulp it down far too quickly and then eventually fall asleep. After a particular hard night, i'd tell myself i would have an alcohol free day but by 6pm I was craving wine again. When friends were round I'd unconsciously monitor how much they were drinking and worry about there not being enough for me. I was never argumentative or violent. Never had the shakes or felt like drinking in the morning. I always made it to work on time and never appeared hungover. I never did anything embarrassing. I still knew it was turning into a problem but it took me a while to start worrying.

All of my friends just knew me as someone who liked wine and were surprised when I gave up. My DH told me he had become a bit worried about how much I drank but didn't know how to bring it up. He's the only one who really saw it because I was usually drinking at home. Even he didn't realise just how bad it was.

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 10:43

My aunty had been watching my uncle do this for nearly a decade. One morning, she snapped and reported him for drink driving. He was twice over the legal limit and that was at 10am.

It didn't stop him drinking but it stopped them all walking on eggshells around it. He died aged 47 from liver failure and sepsis. Oh, and he only ever drank lager.

KilljoysMakeSomeNoise · 04/04/2023 10:43

My ex is an alcoholic. He was never abusive or violent. Like yours, he'd drink, then sleep. Then work, drink, sleep. And forget any conversation we'd had while he was drinking or sleeping it off. Like forgetting to pick the kids up when I was miles away 🙄

It just got worse, as the drinking increased. In the end he left, carried on drinking, lost his job, had to move miles away to live with family (who are also fed up with him) and doesn't see the kids, or pay towards them as he's jobless.

I, however, am much happier. I relaxed as soon as he was out the door. No more dreading coming home to find him slumped drunk on the sofa.

I am in a relationship with someone lovely now.

I just wish I hadn't waited so long to split up with my ex.

Echobelly · 04/04/2023 10:47

Does he know you are concerned?

I have a friend whose husband was like this - a 'functional' alcoholic, drunk too much but was never violent or disruptive, however it meant he was very withdrawn from family life. She took the decision to be very gentle about it and but straight with him about what the issue was and he fortunately did stop drinking and has been teetotal for several years now. It is survivable for a marriage, but he has to be willing to change.

Supersimkin2 · 04/04/2023 11:11

His brain will go - it’s starting already with the sober forgetting.

He’ll need financially supporting for life once he loses his job and doesn’t get another one, and you’ll have the drink
bill too. You’re his bank.

Apathy is a big problem - huge. He won’t do anything inc feed and clean up after himself. You’re his carer.

He won’t love you - or the children. Alcoholics love drink, not people. Don’t believe me? You’ll find out.

There’s no upside to this. I’m so sorry.

DetoxedAlcoholic · 04/04/2023 11:44

Please sit your husband down and tell him what you've told us. When he says "but I'm not a problem, I just sleep" explain that, that is the problem and you love him and miss him. That you want the old him back. Repeat this.
Give him time to absorb this and support him if he does try to make changes. Please don't expect this to be immediate but please encourage him.
If he doesn't try to change at all then there's nothing you can do, it's a terrible thing for everyone.

G58 · 04/04/2023 11:50

He doesn't have to be beating you up for it to be a problem. It's something he is doing that you don't like (with good reason) and he is ignoring that fact and putting his own pleasure / addiction before yours.

As for reasons he should stop:
(1) Health - its a poison that is taking years off his life and damaging every organ in his body including his brain
(2) Cost - It's bloody expensive these days
(3) Relationship - his relationship is now with alcohol and not with you. That's not where you - understandably - want to be. If he can't or won't stop and your relationship is none existent as a consequence then you've every right to ask him to stop or leave.