Alcoholic husband but he isn't aggressive/violent/out of control

[spindrycycle]

My husband drinks far too much, at least a bottle of wine a night, usually more.

I see other posters talk about their husbands and drinking, and people saying they need to quit drinking and do AA etc because the husband is argumentative or unpredictable.

My husband falls asleep on the sofa and forgets conversations, and often sleeps very late, but that's it. I want him to stop, but have I got any grounds to deliver ultimatums?

I have sadly
my mother

but the op hasn’t been back and I’m not one to advise on the basis of speculation so I will bow out

@Ursualesther I got the double - my husband and my mother both.

But seriously - every single person I know with an alcoholic for a spouse has suffered in silence for years before reaching out for support. Every single one. I co-facilitate a support group for people with relatives in addiction and I'm the alcohol expert and in that group too it's years before people seek help. It really is safe to assume that this has been going on for some considerable time for OP.

Oh wow- I wasn't expecting so many replies. Thank you everyone.

He's been drinking to this extent for about 6 years, which coincides with him starting to work from home. He's always been into his wine, but it used to be after-work drinks with his mates and he wouldn't drink at home when he lived alone.

He doesn't have a car as we live in a small, walkable city, so no worries about drink-driving. He can set his own work hours, so tends to sleep in and work lunchtime til evening, a few days a week.

The money for the wine does come out of his personal account, but I earn double his wage, so he pays 1/3, me 2/3 of the monthly outgoings and we each pay into a joint account to cover it. That means I don't actually know how much he is spending. He gets those wine boxes/bags, one every 2 or 3 days. It used to be a bottles, one every other day when I first started to notice.

I've tried the reasonable conversations, he's seen how much it can upset me, I've been angry about it (he once planned a few days away for a big birthday of mine then didn't come because he didn't fancy the journey in the morning, so I went to Paris on my own) and he will seem to cut down for a week or a month, then it creeps back up.

Ok with all the additional information OP

it sounds very serious

do you love him?

Oh OP.

You're mirroring what happened to me. Mine always promised he'd cut down and keep it up for 6 weeks max. Mine opted out of family life bit by bit - he would always come on holiday with us but then not go to the beach with me and the DC but stay at our holiday accommodation and drink instead.

The thing with alcohol addiction is that it sneaks up on you. It progresses steadily in the background and you don't realise until something makes you look twice.

Unless he accepts that he has a problem, nothing will change. As a first step I would suggest you seek some support for yourself from Al Anon or Smart Family and Friends - it will help you feel less alone and you will be with people who will not dismiss your feelings. Whatever decision you take in the end, it has to be with your welfare and your DC's welfare front and centre, not his - because it's up to him to help himself, not anyone else.

Good luck.

Thank you @pointythings and @Ursualesther

Yes, I do love him, and there are many things that do make us a good couple. But I feel like I've just reached the end of my rope and nothing is changing for the better. Keep thinking what if this is the best it'll ever be and is this the life I want?

We don't have kids, which I guess is a good thing given how the situation is.

I'm glad you don't have kids - that means you have breathing space. I would never recommend that anyone who has children should stay with an alcoholic, because having an alcoholic parent is immensely damaging for a child. As it is, there's just you and you're well able to make your own mind up. You come across as thoughtful and insightful, which is a huge plus.

I suppose that for you, the main question is what you want your life to be. Some alcoholics do get sober - my DSis' partner did, he's 12 years clean now. But they went through an enormous amount of heartache. Others, like my husband, never get to that point where they're ready to change. I gave mine so many chances, but ultimately we had DC and they had to come first. He was still blaming me for the fact that he drank even while he was in rehab...

Only you can assess whether your DH can change or whether he's going to have the insight to want to. Only you can assess whether or not you want to live with the likelihood that this is only going to get worse. Take your time, get that support, think things through. Whatever decision you make, it will be the best one for you as an individual.

spindrycycle

The 3cs of alcoholism are:
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

How many people in your social circle know about his drink problem?. Very few I daresay and he likely hides it well although one or two people may have their own private based suspicions about him.

Alcoholism also thrives on secrecy; time to bust this secret wide open now.

If you've reached the end of your rope, you've reached the end of your rope.
I would also urge you to get support from the likes of Al-anon or Smart family and friends. This is not something you should carry or actually need to carry on your own.

You may well love him but his primary relationship is still with alcohol, not you. I would read about codependency in such relationships as this could be you as well. You are not responsible for him and his choices when all is said and done, always remember that.

Do not allow him to spoil any more social occasions than he already has done. Do not cover for him to anyone nor make any excuses to yourself.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot help him. This is who he is and this is furthermore going to go one way; downwards. Do not be dragged down with him.