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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alcoholic husband but he isn't aggressive/violent/out of control

58 replies

spindrycycle · 04/04/2023 08:46

My husband drinks far too much, at least a bottle of wine a night, usually more.

I see other posters talk about their husbands and drinking, and people saying they need to quit drinking and do AA etc because the husband is argumentative or unpredictable.

My husband falls asleep on the sofa and forgets conversations, and often sleeps very late, but that's it. I want him to stop, but have I got any grounds to deliver ultimatums?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 12:38

He is not going to stop drinking merely because she asks him to do so. He has to WANT to stop darling and address the root causes of his alcoholism. This may never happen.

The best option for OP here is to help her own self and rebuild her life by leaving her alcoholic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2023 12:38

Drinking not darling!

REP22 · 04/04/2023 12:44

Does he drive to work/elsewhere the following morning? If so, it's quite likely that he's still over the limit, even after he's been asleep.

I hope that you are able to talk to him about it and get him to safely cut down/stop. But that's unlikely unless he recognises that he's got a problem and decides for himself. It's not a good path to be on.

Best wishes to you..

theemmadilemma · 04/04/2023 12:48

You don't have to be aggressive or horrible for it to be shit to live with an alcoholic. I wasn't a horrible drunk. But living with me, that must have been shit. Boring, lonely, frustrating to say the least.

But he's going to need to want to get help himself in reality for anything to change. So you need to decide if you can live with it or not. You may be waiting on the never ever for change.

It can and does happen, I've happily sober 3.5 years now.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/04/2023 13:01

He is an alcoholic.

At a low level, he's absent, costing you money, stress and worry.

At a higher level, he'll eventually lose his job, potentially put your finances in jeopardy and you'll bethe one left nursing him when his liver gives out.

Badcrumblexxx · 04/04/2023 16:01

I could have written this post. I’m 54 and currently with my partner of 10yrs. No kids. He’s always been a drinker but he’s never abusive, just mostly asleep every night by 9. I end up watching tv alone and going to bed alone a lot of the time. We do things together but I can tell he’s getting twitchy if no booze is involved. He’s a functioning alcoholic and works hard but won’t get help, even though he says he needs to cut down. I’m on the brink of leaving but it’s very hard as he’s a decent guy and loves me very much (but not enough to listen to how unhappy I am with the drinking obv). I’ve just had enough and am no longer attracted to him. I’ve only used small ultimatums in the past and he tries to cut down but then goes back to it. Usually around 6-8 cans of Stella nightly and more (a lot more) at weekends. He’ll be opening a can of Stella by 9am at weekends. I’m planning on telling him this weekend enough is enough, as he’s now never got any money (heavy smoker too, so all his money just gets p*ssed up the wall) and I’m paying for everything. If nothing changes then sadly I’ll be off, which will be very hard emotionally and financially but sadly life is far too short to be so miserable living this life hoping things will change. Good luck x

Badcrumblexxx · 04/04/2023 16:10

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/04/2023 13:01

He is an alcoholic.

At a low level, he's absent, costing you money, stress and worry.

At a higher level, he'll eventually lose his job, potentially put your finances in jeopardy and you'll bethe one left nursing him when his liver gives out.

100% 🙁

RubyMurry22 · 04/04/2023 16:15

I think some of the replies are a bit harsh and he needs to be given a chance to get off the booze. I guess I’m an alcoholic though so maybe biased - I’m 99 days AF today though. It was much easier than I anticipated giving up alcohol (so far).

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:39

RubyMurry22 · 04/04/2023 16:15

I think some of the replies are a bit harsh and he needs to be given a chance to get off the booze. I guess I’m an alcoholic though so maybe biased - I’m 99 days AF today though. It was much easier than I anticipated giving up alcohol (so far).

He's showing no signs of wanting to, and belittles OP's feelings about it. What does he need a chance to do? Change personality?

pointythings · 04/04/2023 16:44

@RubyMurry22 OP has talked to her husband about it and been dismissed. Apparently it isn't a problem because he 'isn't out of control, doesn't beat her or smash things up'. If you're an alcoholic working towards sobriety, you would know this is called Denial. How long do you think OP should give her husband? I gave mine almost 7 years and it was far, far too bloody long.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 16:46

Well given the OP gives absolutely no indication how long it’s been going on for….?

Sunnygirl07 · 04/04/2023 16:47

Yes, 100%.

I would never ever tolerate any substance abuser. In my childhood I've witnessed an alcoholic relative died at 48 years old because of vodka.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:48

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 16:46

Well given the OP gives absolutely no indication how long it’s been going on for….?

He's making her feel like crap. He knows this, and has disregarded it. How long do you think she should put up with being made to feel crap, for the sake of indulging him?

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 16:51

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:48

He's making her feel like crap. He knows this, and has disregarded it. How long do you think she should put up with being made to feel crap, for the sake of indulging him?

Show quote history

Where does the op say he makes her feel like “crap”

pointythings · 04/04/2023 16:55

@Ursualesther But he isn't very present. I often end up sleeping alone. I have to remember all the important dates and times for things because he never does... it feels less of a partnership, more like I'm his mum.

That not enough for you? Feeling like your OH is a partner in the relationship is pretty much the minimum bar, and he isn't making that.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 16:56

@Ursualesther

But he isn't very present. I often end up sleeping alone. I have to remember all the important dates and times for things because he never does... it feels less of a partnership, more like I'm his mum

It was quicker to write 'crap', I didn't realise you'd need the full quote, sorry.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 16:59

And so some jump to leave him

what is the point of marrying if you’re going to up sticks and scarper at the first whiff of a problem

it may well end up that he is an alcoholic but at the moment it’s manifesting itself as falling asleep on the sofa (I do that)-m and forgetting important dates (I do that)

Absolutely no information about what he’s like as a father perhaps? What’s he been like before he was drinking a bottle? How long it’s been going on for? Whether anything precipitated it?

confusedlots · 04/04/2023 16:59

There is something underlying that is causing him to drink so much. I know because this is me. Low self esteem, mental health issues, unresolved childhood trauma, or any number of issues. My DH has told me on numerous occasions that I need to stop but it hasn't made any difference. But recently another family member had a really open and honest and supportive talk with me and I really feel I can manage to give up and hopefully deal with the underlying issues too.

I'm looking at options for counselling because I know this isn't just about throwing all the wine out of the house and not buying any more with the weekly shop. I know how hard it can be in your situation and as I am fully aware, if my DH was doing what I have been doing, I would probably have left him by now, so I'm grateful he is still here.

But the supportive and understanding chat has done so much more for me than all the times that DH has been angry with me for being drunk or hungover.

myoldmansatrendydustman · 04/04/2023 17:01

OP,
I'm curious to know if your DH has a job or how he pays for all this wine?

Even at £5.00 a bottle that's £75 a week.

That's a strain on his wallet never mind his liver. 🙄

Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 17:01

what is the point of marrying if you’re going to up sticks and scarper at the first whiff of a problem

He broke the contract by ceasing to respect her feelings. Don't lay this on OP 'scarpering'. He's not pulling his weight emotionally or practically in the marriage. That's every reason to leave.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 17:03

Dear god

we have no idea how long been going on for
or indeed pretty much any detail other than a bottle a night, falling asleep on sofa and forgetting important dates

all I’m saying is… I think in reality most people wouldn’t suggest to a friend to up sticks without knowing a touch more detail

SaturdayGiraffe · 04/04/2023 17:03

A bottle of wine a day sounds expensive.

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 04/04/2023 17:04

Alcoholic husband but he isn't aggressive/violent/out of control

........ not yet, he isn't

2bazookas · 04/04/2023 17:41

Alcoholism permanently, progressively damages the liver, kidneys, circulation heart and brain organs and brain function. So although you find his current state not totally unbearable, that won't last. He will physically and mentally deteriorate.

Do you want to stick around until he starts pissing himself (in bed asleep, then by day, awake on the carpet/sofa). Can you face vomiting and bowel incontinence so long as he makes it to the bathroom in time and cleans up after? Then he won't. If you have children, they will see this, hear it, smell it.

You can only give an ultimatum to yourself. Is there a point at which you can take no more, pack your bag and go? If so, make some preparations now. While he's still reachable, separate your finances; make sure he has written a Will and you know where it is.

pointythings · 04/04/2023 17:44

@Ursualesther please bear in mind the following:

  1. By the time someone posts on MN about their relationship, they're usually pretty desperate and have tried to address the issue. It's not a first step.
  2. Women don't run at the first sign of trouble. That's something men are more likely to do.

Have you lived with an alcoholic? Are you speaking from experience?