I've filed for divorce

[Latenitemum]

I've posted on here quite a few times over the past 2 years about my DH having an emotional affair with a work colleague in a different country for 2 years - they have never met and she is 30 yrs younger than him (DH 56, Her 25).
Since i discovered the affair I've been lied to, sworn at, told to stop talking etc He has shown no remorse, no concern for how this has affected me and my DD.
I have been trying my hardest to get him to commit to our marriage and for us to make things work - he has put no more than 5% into this and i feel as though i have been giving it 100%.
He goes from sleeping in our room to sleeping in the spare room based on nothing other than i may have asked him some questions about the affair / or called him out for not putting the effort into making things better.
He barely speaks to me other than when he needs to, so most days we have 2 - 3 mins of talking - throughout the whole day - some days there is no talking.
A month ago, i told him he is hurting me and making me sad with his behaviour and i need more from him, he told me this is as good as it will get and things may or may not change over time, when I continued talking he told me to go away, or stop talking - so i stopped talking to him, only if i needed to or replied to his question (of the day). Last week, he came home after going out to watch football with his friends, he seemed a little drunk (its was 4pm) and i asked him a question about some work we are having done to the kitchen. He wouldn't speak to me and when i pressed him for an answer he told me he feels nothing for me and i am nothing to him so can i stop talking. Since then, i have not spoken to him.
I filed for divorce a year ago while his affair was still going on, i think it has since stopped and i think he blames me for this because i used to speak to her telling her to leave him alone (they both denied they were in touch but i have recorded some of his conversations so i know they were). When I told her I would come to her country and speak to her face to face - it seemed she backed off (and she claimed she was pregnant with her own husband) and i think he holds me responsible for this.
I filed for divorce and its since dragged on by both of us, he does not want to divorce because he does not think i should be entitled to half of everything (we have been married 25yrs) and i have dragged my feet because i was hoping he would change and this was a midlife crisis and he would come to his senses!
Anyway, since he told me i was nothing and I meant nothing to him, i have felt numb and today called the solicitor to move forward with the divorce as quickly as we can.
Why do men get like this? Where has the hatred come from - did he always feel like this and just tolerated me? How do you move on when the person you have been with for 30 years belittles you, shows no remorse etc..most of the time when i speak to him he calls me stupid or tells me to f++k off - why so much hatred, is he missing his girlfriend...?
I feel he broke me, discarded me and yet he thinks we should live in the house but not as a couple.

He's scared to be on his own I'd guess. Most people don't like change when it's not instigated by themselves. It will only get worse and my opinion fwiw is you're doing the right thing.

Good luck in your new life, it can only get better by the sound of it.

Oh poor sweetheart, that sounds awful.

I think you are really doing the right thing. He’s angry because he’s been caught, and to be honest he’s got nothing to show for it. No girl. No sex. Nothing. A little fantasy in another country. He sounds quite pathetic really. Zilch gains.

And now you’re going to dip in and take away half his pension, half his house, which is also yours because you’re married.

Take every penny.

And allow him to enjoy his future on half the pension, small home. He’ll be lucky if he can get a dog to want to live with him, but then again those can be bought, he might get that.

Truly, the only reason he’s upset is because he’s angry that he cannot keep this little dirty secret that does wonders to his ego. He’s addicted to having and erection false promises and crappy feelings more than to reality. Let him have his fantasy on your terms - with his pockets emptied.

How old is your dd?

2 years

and they have never met

It is a touch baffling that a 25 year old presumably responsibility free has never been arsed to fly over and meet him?

He's angry at you, because you've burst his lovely little bubble. He had his doting wife and child that gave him his image to the world, and he had his young 20 something stroking his ego and making him feel like a big man.

But you found out and ruined it, by calling out his shitty behaviour and by confronting the ow, he's lost everything, but he can't blame himself, oh no, so he blames you, because you've ruined his nice little set up.

Divorce his ass, force it through and start living life for you. You'll be so much happier and wonder why you stood for it for so long

@Ursualesther DD is 18

You're doing the right thing by calmly proceeding with a divorce from this pathetic abusive manchild. Stop talking to him. Stop preparing meals / doing laundry / doing anything for him. Start to separate finances if you can and seek advice from a solicitor as soon as possible
A 25 year marriage will mean that it starts on the basis of a 50/50 asset split whether he likes it or not. Tell his family and friends what he has been doing as well. Also contact CMS for child maintenance.

This sounds ghastly

and very very odd

I would want to get myself and my daughter out of this peculiar situation asap

@Lastlongers believe me divorce is the last thing this guy wants. He does not want half the assets hence suggestion to cohabit while he carries on writing poetry over Skype to 20 year olds desperate for even half of his assets.

Taking everything means taking a pension pot that’s probably much higher than a woman’s one as we sacrifice our career progression to raise kids.

Taking his imagine future of having his cake and eating is what I mean take it it all - all his dreams popped.

Where has the hatred come from - did he always feel like this and just tolerated me?
Unlikely. And even it was true, that would be entirely on him - you didn't chain him to you or force him into marriage at gunpoint.
He's angry because he didn't get to have his cake and eat it. You held up a mirror to him and he doesn't like what he saw, so he's decided that actually you are the horrible one and that's why he acted like a dick.

I didn't let it drag out as long as you but went through soomething similar. The positive side to it is that it makes it very clear that the divorce is necessary: you have no other choice. Get what you deserve as the reasonable adult in this situation. Hope that things go well for you once you've sorted it all out.

Do people get maintenance if your child is over 18?

That sounds just awful. I hope you divorce that man and find peace and happiness. You deserve better.

Well done, so glad you have called the solicitor. He is behaving in the most appalling way. You know what you need to do regarding savings accounts and paperwork, do it as soon as possible before he realises this is happening. Stay strong, stay silent and enjoy the wonderful new life that is waiting for you and your Daughter.

Well done on calling the solicitor.

Foget what the settlement will be (obviously take good legal advice and ensure you get a fair settlement) - this is about so much more than money.

Here is a man who cheats, lies, is stupid enough to think a woman 30 years his juniour who he's never met is a genuine romantic option, treats his wife and child dreadfully, sulks, bullies, the list goes on.....

He is no catch. You'll be so much happier without him. You deserve better. Don't stay with thi awful man a day longer than you have to.

He’s like the dog who sees his reflection in the water whilst holding a bone. He wants both so jumps in to get the ‘other’ bone and loses the one he already has. Idiot. Crack on with the divorce, I bet you’ll feel so much better.

The reason men cheat is because they can. They see an opportunity, they need validation and affection apparently.

Some men are just huge opportunists who will grab any skirt going past their grubby hands. And no thought given to any consequence, and forget any accountability.

Whatever you attempt to say, do, change about you, what you say, dont say, has zero to do with them cheating. Zero. Its not you. So attempting to understand the reasons why they take a side piece, it a waste of anyone's time.
And, the side bit did not make promises at the alter for you, your DH did, so going after her is simply an ammunition for your DH to use against you, whenever he feels you are putting foot wrong. And boy have you been wrong in his books, bet you could write a good old list of all the things you are doing wrong, according to your DH. Do not take the bate. Its not fact.

So, regarding the divorce, him not wanting it, that is due to the fact that it is HIS assets, HIS life, His desires, HIS affair etc. His comforts. The reason he wants to stay at home, stay married has zero to do with you, and everything to do with the comfort you offer.

List as followes of things you may be offering

Wash his clothes
Cook dinners
Make him lunch
scratch his back
sex
The familiarity of you
Him not having to admit failure in the marrige by having you stay, because if you stay that means he is not bad. So another free ticket to stray. Again, and again,

Why would you go to the one who did you so wrong for the right thing to do? He has shown you loud and clear what he feels towards you, which you totally dont deserve, so hold off saving this one sided marriage and finish that divorce. A liar is not going to suddenly stop, an abuser is not going to stop, he is doing both to you. And, stop catering for him.

You deserve a life full good things, so stop allowing someone who feels so little towards you ruin you. Just stop it. And well done on proceeding with the divorce.

Thank you all for your replies. He does everything he can to put me down, the silent treatment was the hardest to deal with but now I find it easy to not talk to him and to take comfort in him not talking to me. He tells me that I am not entitled to 50% of the house because he purchased it before we got together, but my solicitor has told me that it is a marital home now, my name is on the property and I've lived her for 25 years, his argument is that i have not paid the mortgage (he pays this every month) but pay all the other bills (gas, electricity, council tax, broadband, shopping) and most of the time i was working i paid nursery fees, school fees and everything my DD needed, clothes, books, birthday presents, xmas presents etc the cost of raising a DD from a baby to an 18 yr old is not cheap!
He is a nasty man and its difficult to see him speak and act the way he does towards me. I only hope that the future will be happier without him.

I am certain your future will be much happier without him. You say you can cope with the silence. but it is still wearing. Divorce him and take him for all you are entitled to. 🌷

Anything would be happier than this!
If he presents his "argument" any more, just tell him he's wasting his breath. What he thinks anyone is entitled to is irrelevant; there are laws and your solicitor will follow them. You don't have to argue with him, you don't have to listen to him, you don't have to prove to him that you deserve anything.
Since the divorce went through, my contact with my exh has consisted in maybe a few sentences and a couple of texts - and that was purely by choice. Head space for him: 0.001%.
I have just got round to changing my surname too. Will you take your name again?

What a nasty man your husband is. Divorce him, take your half (you are entitled to it) and go and live a wonderful life without him. I promise you, you will feel so much lighter without him in your life. You can have another new life ahead of you, one where you are either single and free or with someone who respects you, will have a laugh with you, who wants to have adventures with you! Go grab it with both hands and get this divorce done!

It doesn't matter what he thinks you are entitled to, the solicitor who trained for many years knows the law and what the law says about marital assets. Take everything you are entitled to, it doesn't matter who paid the mortgage and who paid the bills. You are married, it is a legal contract.

You deserve so much better than this. You will also feel better divorcing and moving forward with your life.

Sending you strength. I think you are brave and deserving of a lot more than what he’s got to offer. It’s fantasy land whereas you are the real deal.

Gather your strength and go for what you are entitled to. For you AND your DD. Grey rock him, give nothing away. You have been with him for a long time so you won't believe me when I say this... you will thrive when you get away from him. You gave it your all and can walk away with your head held high 💐