I've filed for divorce

[Latenitemum]

I've posted on here quite a few times over the past 2 years about my DH having an emotional affair with a work colleague in a different country for 2 years - they have never met and she is 30 yrs younger than him (DH 56, Her 25).
Since i discovered the affair I've been lied to, sworn at, told to stop talking etc He has shown no remorse, no concern for how this has affected me and my DD.
I have been trying my hardest to get him to commit to our marriage and for us to make things work - he has put no more than 5% into this and i feel as though i have been giving it 100%.
He goes from sleeping in our room to sleeping in the spare room based on nothing other than i may have asked him some questions about the affair / or called him out for not putting the effort into making things better.
He barely speaks to me other than when he needs to, so most days we have 2 - 3 mins of talking - throughout the whole day - some days there is no talking.
A month ago, i told him he is hurting me and making me sad with his behaviour and i need more from him, he told me this is as good as it will get and things may or may not change over time, when I continued talking he told me to go away, or stop talking - so i stopped talking to him, only if i needed to or replied to his question (of the day). Last week, he came home after going out to watch football with his friends, he seemed a little drunk (its was 4pm) and i asked him a question about some work we are having done to the kitchen. He wouldn't speak to me and when i pressed him for an answer he told me he feels nothing for me and i am nothing to him so can i stop talking. Since then, i have not spoken to him.
I filed for divorce a year ago while his affair was still going on, i think it has since stopped and i think he blames me for this because i used to speak to her telling her to leave him alone (they both denied they were in touch but i have recorded some of his conversations so i know they were). When I told her I would come to her country and speak to her face to face - it seemed she backed off (and she claimed she was pregnant with her own husband) and i think he holds me responsible for this.
I filed for divorce and its since dragged on by both of us, he does not want to divorce because he does not think i should be entitled to half of everything (we have been married 25yrs) and i have dragged my feet because i was hoping he would change and this was a midlife crisis and he would come to his senses!
Anyway, since he told me i was nothing and I meant nothing to him, i have felt numb and today called the solicitor to move forward with the divorce as quickly as we can.
Why do men get like this? Where has the hatred come from - did he always feel like this and just tolerated me? How do you move on when the person you have been with for 30 years belittles you, shows no remorse etc..most of the time when i speak to him he calls me stupid or tells me to f++k off - why so much hatred, is he missing his girlfriend...?
I feel he broke me, discarded me and yet he thinks we should live in the house but not as a couple.

You offered to go over to her country and have it out with her yet neither she nor your husband have ever been arsed to go over to each others country to actually meet each other.

Doesn’t seem like life affair of the century, that’s for sure

Love

Tbh, there is no need rehashing the past. Sure, if you understood his behaviour, it'd be easier to understand or accept his behaviour. Yet you don't need to.

If your manager bullied you at work that was draining you, once you were out that toxic environment, you wouldn't sit with a bully and try to understand him.

I'm so sorry lovely. It hurts like hell. Sometimes it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

Change is scary, even if it's for the better. It just sounds like you have a toxic roomate now who is destroying your mental health. You need to protect yourself because he's not going to slap himself on the head.

Things end. However, it very well may be a blessing in disguise although it doesn't feel like that atm.

Nobody asked for his permission or his blessing on what will happen. This is your life. You don't need his blessing to feel stable.

If you wait for him to agree, you'll be waiting forever. This is your decision, not a discussion.

Don’t let him get inside your head. You paid towards and committed to your family and you deserve a fair split of assets in the divorce.

Hello, I just wanted to post an update regarding my situation. As of yesterday, he has officially moved out - hurrah!
Its been a very difficult time, living in the house with the atmosphere has been the worst ever - thankfully, my DD moved to Uni last year.
While I was waiting for him to move out, I tried to keep some 'friendliness' between us, asking if he wanted lunch / dinner some days and trying to keep him updated on our DD experience at Uni - she does not really speak to him, usually answering with yes / no replies to his questions.

Even though he has been vile towards me, i still feel unable to accept that the marriage is over - friends seem to think this is a trauma bond and i need to work through it. Even though he has moved out, i still am hoping that maybe we can reconnect again in the future - is this normal? He has told me he does not hate me (even though he has shown me nothing but hate most days) but he believes nothing can ever happen between us again - why do i not accept this still?

When we went to court because we couldn't agree to our financial split - the judge said i was to keep the marital home if i could release him from the mortgage - DH was furious.
Within 2 days of the court hearing, I saw a receipt where he sent some money over to a woman in Lithuania and then told me he was going on a work trip in Germany for 2 days - i believe he paid this woman to meet him for sex.

We are at a situation where now that he has left, i have asked him to not contact or come to the house for 3 months to give me space - my DD has said she wants space too and does not want to see him either.
DH has since called me and said that we can still do things as a family unit - go to dinner, weekend trips abroad etc all so he can spend time with DD - she will not meet him one to one.
Should I agree to this? I feel i am being used so he can see DD - he has told me on many occasions that he can't stand the sight of me etc. But should i do this so DD gets to have a relationship with him? Will i ever move on if he is still in my live - he has moved on completely.

Hi absolutely you shouldn’t agree to meeting him, you’re right he is using you and will continue to do so until you say no more. After the treatment he’s subjected you too🤷🏻‍♀️. Your daughter is an adult, old enough to meet/engage with her father if she chooses. Typical case of wanting his cake and eating it.

No, OP. Don't meet him. He deserves nothing from you, he's been utterly vile and you need space and peace to move on with the happier future you will have.

Respect your DDs wishes - she doesn't want to see him at the moment. He is reaping what he has sown. He gave no thought to you, or to your DD, and she can see this. Don't pick him and his desires over hers - she won't forgive you.

I would block him, personally. You have nothing more that you need to say to him - he wouldn't bloody speak to you when you lived in the same house! Why does he get to contact you now, because he wants something? Your DD is an adult, and can negotiate her own contact with him. It's ridiculous to even contemplate 'family' weekend trips (when he's not paying foreign prostitutes) after all he's put you both through.

You need to go no contact.

I am so glad you have updated the thread and delighted that he has finally moved out. You are doing the right thing in telling him not to contact you but wrong in saying for 3 months, it needs to be for far longer. You need to grieve for your relationship and find ways of moving onto a new life without this abusive man. At least your daughter can see him for what he is.
Please don't hanker after this awful man, he has no respect for you. You need to learn to have love and respect for yourself, why would you want to be with a man that has cheated on you? He has shown you who he is, believe him.
Ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you would want for your daughter and if it is not ask yourself why is is acceptable for you to have such a poor relationship?
You need to find you. You are not a failure because your marriage failed, he failed not you. Do not hanker after a failure.

OP - you are divorced. (Or almost divorced?)
So beyond what you beed to do for the financial untangling - you owe him nothing. And given how he has treated you - you lwe even less than that!

Dd doesn’t want to see him. She does not need to be forced to. If he wants a relationship with her - its up to him to sort it out.

No. You reply ‘it’s up to you whether you have a relationship with your daughter. While you were still in the house I tried to update you about her sometimes, maybe you should have appreciated that effort. I won’t go out as a family to do you a favour, you have told me you can’t stand the sight of me and so I am doing you a favour by saying no.’

Hell no would I meet him or facilitate a relationship between him and his dd. He had the opportunity of do all of this but chose to treat you both like shit. Your dd has requested space from him so don't go against her wishes, she needs your support.

My response to him would be

Exdh, I requested no contact for 3 months, as you have not respected my request I am blocking you on all channels, and will not respond to any further communication. If there is anything that requires my urgent attention please direct it via my solicitor.
Late

I'm afraid I foresee him all woe is me soon, he'll send flowers, beg and cry once he knows you've taken the initiative to move on from him, wait until he finds out you've met someone, you'll have more tears and he won't have meant anything, the ow meant nothing to him and you're his soul mate - stay strong and remember you deserve so much better

Do NOT meet with him. He doesn't want to love you and respect you; he wants to continue to abuse you. Please stop all contact other than through your solicitors.

DD is at uni and considered an adult. She has said she doesn't want to see him so please respect her decision. Is it because it's you that secretly wants to see him, that it's you that's holding onto memories of family time? Let it go OP, trying to persuade DD to meet him so you can too is only going to push her away from you as well. Who do you want most in your life, him or your daughter?

Agree with PP.
DD would likely refuse to go out as a family now anyway. She’s an adult. He’s just trying to manipulate you into seeing him.
You need to go no contact for good. Block him so he can’t get into your head.
Get busy taking up new hobbies, interests and meeting new people. You won’t recognise yourself in a few months.

💐

Truly awful that he ever started treating you like this. Take him to the cleaners but most of all look forward to being free of him - no one needs that contempt in their life and you deserve better.

Sounds like you’ve had a terrible time. He has been absolutely vile and pays women for sex. Not sure why you are still hankering after some type of relationship with this cold, abusive man? Also, respect your daughters decision - she is an adult now. Don’t try and force her to play happy families

No, you should do nothing to facilitate his relationship with DD. He is an adult, as is she. If she wants to see him, she will, but the fact is, she doesn’t, more than likely due to the fact that she has witnessed his truly appalling behaviour towards you.
He has no respect for your boundaries, you told him you wanted space for three months and he’s straight back on the phone? No. Tell him no. Be calm but clear. You will not be engaging with him in anyway for the next 3 months. End of.
With 3 months space I think you will begin to realise just how awful this man is. He is an abusive, gaslighting, controlling, prostitute using toad. Start building the life that you want now, without this deadweight dragging you down. Good luck xx

Don't meet with him OP. Your DD is old enough to choose if she wants a relationship with him and doesn't need you to facilitate one between them anymore. Block him and start moving on with your life.

It will take time. My ex was very cold and unloving towards me. He wasn't horrible, he just never showed me the love I needed. When we split last year I did a lot of work on myself and learnt about codependency. I have a complicated relationship with my mother (who is also cold and unloving) and because of that I have rubbish self esteem and ended up married to a man like my mum. The whole wanting him to still love you is about trying to fix something in yourself to prove you are worthy of love. It's got nothing to do with him.

Get him out of your life. Work on yourself. It will get easier and better, I promise.

Thank you all for your replies. I see now just how badly he has treated me, you have all used words like vile, digusting and contempt to discribe his behaviour - and even though i have hated him during his outburts my anger always seems to go within a few days and i used to try and engage in conversation with him again. I know i need some therapy to help with this.
He is happybto give my daughter some space but he's saying that in the future we should have meals amd trips abroad together - he basically wants the nice parts of married life and then go off to his own place.
I feel completely drained from the emotional roller coaster i've been on the past 3 years, the name calling and shouting at me seem so normal - and that he has blamed me for ALL the problems in our marriage - he even tells me now that he can never forgive me for what i did - but wont tell me what i did. I have been loyal and faithful throughout, we used to argue but my version is it was always a reaction to his behaviour.
Its been 2 nights since he left. I feel so lonely and dont know how to fill my days.

@Latenitemum if your marriage was so bad, why does he want to spend time together? If it were true that you are to blame for all of this, why does he want to play happy families in the future?

Spoiler alert: it’s not you. He just can’t own his shit. He prefers to blame you so he can continue believing he was justified in behaving in the vile manner. Because if you were a decent wife and he behaved the way he has, he’d be a monster, and that would never do. Constructing this narrative where you are the villain is his way of maintaining his fragile ego. It’s all caused by his shame.

I’ve been where you are. Our DD was even the same age and wanted nothing to do with him either. I’ve been separated for 15 months now and my life is better in so many ways. It’s tough to get through it but you will be more than fine when you get out the other side.

What do you like doing op? Do you work, have hobbies?

should i do this so DD gets to have a relationship with him?

She DOES grt to have a relationship with him though. You need to respect her choice not to.

She had to live in a house for years with her dad being openly hostile to her mum, what kind of example do you think that sets to a young woman? Girls watch the treatment their mums accept and it mssively impacts their own sense of self worth. The best thing you did for her (and you) was to divorce him and show her that silent treatment and nastiness isn't acceptable and it's ok to put a stop to it by leaving. Meeting up and playing happy families now you've divorced would mess up her sense of what is acceptable beyond belief.