I'm worried he thinks I'll change my mind about not wanting kids

ijustdontwantthem · 2023-04-02T20:07:05+00:00

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, before that we were friends for 3+ years. Given we've not been dating that long, the topic of kids only came up fairly recently. I'm in my early 30s and have never wanted children, ever. I'm aware that I might wake up in 5 years and change my mind, but I hope that isn't the case. Boyfriend admitted that he always imagined having kids, but equally 'isn't too bothered either way'. However, he keeps making jokes about us having them. I've stated multiple times that that won't happen and if I did find out I was pregnant, I would be devastated. It's frustrating, because he's an intelligent and logical man, but it's eroding my trust in him. It makes me worry that he thinks he can change my mind, or that he'll spend a few years with me before deciding he's serious about wanting them. It seems to me like he does actually want them, but just doesn't want to admit it. I don't know how to raise the subject again though, as it just feels like words at this point.

Dancemonkee · 02/04/2023 21:14

I think you're exactly right and one way or another this will become a big problem between you.

MrsBunnyEars · 02/04/2023 21:22

If you’re absolutely certain, I’d think about really doubling down on contraception - the implant and the coil or something if that’s possible. I know nothing about sterilisation but I’d look into it in your shoes.

Partly to give you 100% certainty, partly to show him you mean it.

JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 21:24

Im child free by choice and his jokes sound passive aggresive.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:30

My advice is the same for most topics that you find difficult to bring up:

I'd wait until the next time he makes one of his jokes or comments and say "you keep making these jokes and comments about us having kids but I thought idmade it clear to you that I don't ever want to have children. The fact you keep making these comments/jokes is making me think you actually do want them and it's causing me to have doubts about us as a couple/this relationship"

I do have a friend who is child free and still used to say things like "if i had a daughter..." "if I had kids..." type comments if a parenting topic came up conversation or she was telling us a story about her nieces and nephews. So I think some people do still imagine what it would be like to have one? The only way you can find out if they are innocent is to talk to him.

Palmtreeseverywhere · 02/04/2023 21:31

I was in your exact position many years ago. Childfree, started dating a frequent who knew I was childfree and told me he was too. After 5 years together we got married and on our honeymoon he asked when we would start trying for children. Apparently he ‘knew’ all women wanted children and he also ‘knew’ I’d change my mind when I was married so he went along with being childfree until I changed my mind. So my marriage lasted less than 3 days.

I’ve now been married for decades to a man who is actually childfree and we are very happy. He never ‘jokes’ about us having children/me wanting children.

If I were you I wouldn’t stay with him.

Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 21:36

Palmtreeseverywhere · 02/04/2023 21:31

I was in your exact position many years ago. Childfree, started dating a frequent who knew I was childfree and told me he was too. After 5 years together we got married and on our honeymoon he asked when we would start trying for children. Apparently he ‘knew’ all women wanted children and he also ‘knew’ I’d change my mind when I was married so he went along with being childfree until I changed my mind. So my marriage lasted less than 3 days.

I’ve now been married for decades to a man who is actually childfree and we are very happy. He never ‘jokes’ about us having children/me wanting children.

If I were you I wouldn’t stay with him.

That is appalling, what an awful, arrogant man. I'm glad you ended up with somebody who actually respected and listened to you.

@MrsBunnyEars I've always had a rough ride with hormonal contraceptives so the coil might be my next choice, although the fact that I'm having to consider 'back up measures' is pretty worrying.

I feel shit, tbh. Gaslighting isn't the right word but I'm convinced he's lying to me every time I challenge him.

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Kranke · 02/04/2023 21:38

Would you consider sterilisation? The coil is pretty good, but I do know people who have got pregnant with it (but same with condoms or the pill).

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 21:42

I would have one final conversation about the matter. Tell him you are not going to be having kids, and his frequent comments about them are really pissing you off. I would tell him that for you, the converyis over, and if mentioned again you will be ending it. If he feels he does want children, you are not the woman for him so he should really stop wasting his, and your, time.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:43

Just wanted to comment again to say this:

"I feel shit, tbh. Gaslighting isn't the right word but I'm convinced he's lying to me every time I challenge him"

Is really concerning. Relationships, esp ones this new, aren't meant to make you feel this terrible. I really think your gut is trying to tell you something isn't right, and I always always think women should truat their guts. Your instinct is rarely wrong.

Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 21:45

Kranke · 02/04/2023 21:38

Would you consider sterilisation? The coil is pretty good, but I do know people who have got pregnant with it (but same with condoms or the pill).

I would, happily! The last time I asked (a few years ago), my GP refused to refer me. The other surgery in my area isn't accepting new patients, so I will probably have to wait another year or so before I can ask again.

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JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 21:45

@Palmtreeseverywhere that is a perfect example of men not listening to women and thinking they know better.

DannyZukosSmile · 02/04/2023 21:46

This would really REALLY piss me off so much. As a pp said, he is being passive aggressive, and he DOES think you will change your mind in several years. At this point I don't know if I'd be continuing this relationship to be honest. He is clearly trying to manipulate you, and what he is doing is low level bullying... 'hahahahaha you'll change your mind mommy!' Nah feck off.

Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 21:59

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 21:43

Just wanted to comment again to say this:

"I feel shit, tbh. Gaslighting isn't the right word but I'm convinced he's lying to me every time I challenge him"

Is really concerning. Relationships, esp ones this new, aren't meant to make you feel this terrible. I really think your gut is trying to tell you something isn't right, and I always always think women should truat their guts. Your instinct is rarely wrong.

I feel like a gigantic mumsnet cliche wanting to come to his defence and say "but he's a good man", even though I think he is, but at the same time, you're right - I know my gut is trying to tell me something is wrong.

I love being on my own and I set ground rules before we even started dating and he went along with them so I trusted that he felt the same way as me, but I'm starting to think that a lot of what he said was just lip service.

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Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 22:01

Sorry, the mumsnet cliche thing seems like a very rude thing to say, in hindsight. Not sure what I was trying to say there.

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JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 22:02

@ijustdontwantthem how old are you now? Im 50 this year and asked to be sterilised from the ages of 24 to 35 Kept being refused and couldnt afford to go private Now on mini pill which means a blood test for menopause cant be done because the pill will mask the results. Hormonal contraception masks whats going on in the body. If you can afford to go private do. It will save you having the same problem im having later on.

Natty13 · 02/04/2023 22:02

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 21:59

I feel like a gigantic mumsnet cliche wanting to come to his defence and say "but he's a good man", even though I think he is, but at the same time, you're right - I know my gut is trying to tell me something is wrong.

I love being on my own and I set ground rules before we even started dating and he went along with them so I trusted that he felt the same way as me, but I'm starting to think that a lot of what he said was just lip service.

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Don't worry, it's a cliche because it's true! We don't know him, you'll get loads of advice that either will or won't apply you just consider the stuff you find relevant :)

I guess if your alarm bells are on alert but not necessarily going off, you can take some time to think about it or you can bring it up to him and see what he says. Do it in person if you can because his reaction, more than just his words, will tell you a lot. You sound very perceptive so trust yourself either way.

Zanatdy · 02/04/2023 22:03

It sounds like he does. If you don’t, then obviously it’s not going to work. He needs to decide now if it’s a deal breaker for him or not

JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 22:05

This thread reminds me of the dating threads ive seen on here where men will date child free women while neglecting to mention that they already have a child. Same entitled attitude "bet i can change her mind"

Antiquiteas · 02/04/2023 22:08

Tell him you’re going to pursue sterilisation (because you can, privately) and see how he reacts. I suspect your gut is on the money, though.

Notamum12345577 · 02/04/2023 22:12

Doctors won’t sterilise someone without kids, especially if it is someone in a fairy new relationship. They may if there is a serious medical reason why you shouldn’t get pregnant.

Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 22:13

JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 22:02

@ijustdontwantthem how old are you now? Im 50 this year and asked to be sterilised from the ages of 24 to 35 Kept being refused and couldnt afford to go private Now on mini pill which means a blood test for menopause cant be done because the pill will mask the results. Hormonal contraception masks whats going on in the body. If you can afford to go private do. It will save you having the same problem im having later on.

31 - I've been asking since I was 19... I don't want to be on any contraception if I can help it! Private is bloody expensive but I can afford it, it might be my next step. @Antiquiteas I think I will do this.

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Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 22:19

I'm aware that at 19 I was never going to be approved for sterilisation, but I wanted it noted on my record so I had a written history of asking for it. I don't think I'd be doing my future self a disservice given how much I've struggled with finding contraception that works for me. The years I've been single/celibate have been the most peaceful of my life..!

I love my boyfriend to bits, even as friends we had such good chemistry and could talk for hours and had so much in common, but the jokes don't really feel like jokes anymore.

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Exl · 02/04/2023 22:31

I think you’re wasting each other’s time. 😔

Original poster

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 22:35

Exl · 02/04/2023 22:31

I think you’re wasting each other’s time. 😔

I'm not wasting anyone's time, I've been perfectly honest with him.

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Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 22:38

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 22:35

I'm not wasting anyone's time, I've been perfectly honest with him.

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You definitely need to go private. I did, and got my tubes tied at 27. To add, the overwhelming majority of sterilisations that fail are due to them being done in conjunction with a C-section/childbirth. My doctor would not preform one during childbirth for this very reason.