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Original poster

I'm worried he thinks I'll change my mind about not wanting kids

68 replies

ijustdontwantthem · 02/04/2023 21:07

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, before that we were friends for 3+ years. Given we've not been dating that long, the topic of kids only came up fairly recently. I'm in my early 30s and have never wanted children, ever. I'm aware that I might wake up in 5 years and change my mind, but I hope that isn't the case.

Boyfriend admitted that he always imagined having kids, but equally 'isn't too bothered either way'. However, he keeps making jokes about us having them. I've stated multiple times that that won't happen and if I did find out I was pregnant, I would be devastated. It's frustrating, because he's an intelligent and logical man, but it's eroding my trust in him. It makes me worry that he thinks he can change my mind, or that he'll spend a few years with me before deciding he's serious about wanting them. It seems to me like he does actually want them, but just doesn't want to admit it. I don't know how to raise the subject again though, as it just feels like words at this point.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 02/04/2023 22:41

31 is plenty old enough.

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2023 06:56

When someone repeatedly tells ’jokes’ that you don’t find funny and they know you don’t find funny, then there’s a reason and that reason ain’t no joke. His disregard for your feelings/ biding time until you change your mind are hiding in plain sight.

Beantag · 03/04/2023 07:06

To be honest I'd walk away. I suspect your instincts are on the nose and down the line he will apply pressure or else walk away from the relationship over it. Which is unfair of him as you've been upfront and honest, but I wouldn't stick around to find out and potentially waste years of my life with someone. It does suck when you otherwise get on really well.

WhenDovesFly · 03/04/2023 07:07

Notamum12345577 · 02/04/2023 22:12

Doctors won’t sterilise someone without kids, especially if it is someone in a fairy new relationship. They may if there is a serious medical reason why you shouldn’t get pregnant.

My brother had the snip in his early 30s as he never wanted children. He must have been convincing because the GP told him he was borderline phobic about having kids. Fortunately he married someone who also didn't want to have children.

FallgriefsGirlfriends · 03/04/2023 08:14

I think that the 6 month mark is a time when people think about wanting more commitment or the sense of a future. It might be that he is making these comments as a clumsy way of asking if you see yourself with him long term. Although he’s talking about kids specifically it might be a more general feeling. For instance at your age I had a boyfriend who, at six months ish, kept talking about ‘if we got married, and had a cake…’ I hated it (I’d said I didn’t want to marry) and also found it surprisingly gauche given we were also friends beforehand. But once we’d made other commitments— moved in together etc — he dropped it entirely.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 08:21

I think you might need to talk to him properly about this so he understands. It sounds as though he does think you'll change your mind at some point. And them you have a decision to make.

My boyfriend occasionally jokes about us having children except that he had a vasectomy 20+ years ago after his kids were born because he knew he didnt want any more and I'm 48 and knew after my second that absolutely nothing would persuade me to have another. And we both shudder at the actual prospect of it!

So we both know it's never going to happen and it's not a serious intention but, in our case, more of a wistful, had we met earlier... type comment amd an expression of commitment.

This is not what you're experiencing though.

whumpthereitis · 03/04/2023 09:52

It does seem like he thinks you’ll change your mind, either because you’ll become so overwhelmed by the desire to have his babies specifically, or because ‘that’s what women do’.

be mindful of contraceptive tampering. It’s not unheard of for people, however pleasant they appear, to try and force the issue with an unwilling partner.

I would personally throw this one back. I’m also childfree, and I couldn’t relax (or feel respected) in relationship where I felt the other person was hiding their true desires and/or intentions. I was always clear that I was childfree, and if an accident happened I would absolutely be having an abortion (and did), but unfortunately no matter how up front you are there are always those that don’t believe you.

as an aside, I recommend going private for sterilisation.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/04/2023 10:07

I'd get rid of him....why should you be having to double on birth control because you don't trust what he says?

If you can't trust what he's saying about children, can you trust him completely? Before you get more invested in this relationship, you need to make sure you're on the same page. And, have the what if conversation. What will that mean or look like to both of you? If you can't agree or it rings false to you. I think you know what you have to do.

Especially, if he's older. Don't ruin his chances of having a family if that's what he wants deep down. I know men have more time per say but finding the person to have kids with can take awhile.

Good luck and well done for staying true to yourself and what you want. I really respect that x

whumpthereitis · 03/04/2023 10:15

Don't ruin his chances of having a family if that's what he wants deep down.

WTF? She’s not 🤨

OP has been honest with him. He’s a grown ass man fully capable of making his own decisions. If he’s deluding himself that OP will change his mind then he’s the only one wasting his time (as he also wastes hers), and that’s entirely on him.

Dancemonkee · 03/04/2023 10:20

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/04/2023 10:07

I'd get rid of him....why should you be having to double on birth control because you don't trust what he says?

If you can't trust what he's saying about children, can you trust him completely? Before you get more invested in this relationship, you need to make sure you're on the same page. And, have the what if conversation. What will that mean or look like to both of you? If you can't agree or it rings false to you. I think you know what you have to do.

Especially, if he's older. Don't ruin his chances of having a family if that's what he wants deep down. I know men have more time per say but finding the person to have kids with can take awhile.

Good luck and well done for staying true to yourself and what you want. I really respect that x

You meant to say

He shouldn't be ruining his chances of having a family

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/04/2023 10:36

Whoa whoa, calm down people. My post was clearly in favour of the op and her choice but you're going to get hung up a couple of words?

And, yeah I also meant what I said. He's hanging around because he thinks she may change her mind or whatever. If she feels that's what he doing then she needs to end it as well. It's not rocket science. He's clearly not wanting to end it.

whumpthereitis · 03/04/2023 10:52

OneMoreCookieMonster · 03/04/2023 10:36

Whoa whoa, calm down people. My post was clearly in favour of the op and her choice but you're going to get hung up a couple of words?

And, yeah I also meant what I said. He's hanging around because he thinks she may change her mind or whatever. If she feels that's what he doing then she needs to end it as well. It's not rocket science. He's clearly not wanting to end it.

Op can end it for whatever reason she wants, but it isn’t OP’s responsibility to end it in order for him to have a family. If that’s what he wants then it’s for him to take action.

This may not apply in this situation, but people can want children and yet decide they want a life with their partner more. That’s a valid choice that should be respected, and it’s not the responsibility of their partner to end it because having children should be considered of primary importance.

JenniferBooth · 03/04/2023 14:37

@WhenDovesFly I was extremely adamant too. I suspect it was because your brother is male.

Gablonz · 03/04/2023 16:48

I would just end it. You're having doubts about the relationship at 6 months in. You don't trust him already.
I never wanted kids and I ended things with men fairly early on when there was any doubt about them possibly wanting them. If they do want them they need to find a partner who does and that's someone who explicitly says they want them

JorisBonson · 03/04/2023 17:45

Yeah I'd call this one a day OP. People who have chosen not to have children don't "joke" like that. My husband chose at an early age not to have children (snip imminent!) and has never "joked" like that.

Clusterfunk · 03/04/2023 17:50

I’d suggest telling him you’ve booked a private appointment to get sterilised. See what his reaction is. That should tell you everything you need to know: if he’s been making jokes that he thinks are funny but are way off the mark, or if it’s a passive aggressive way of wearing you down.

Finalstar · 03/04/2023 18:35

Clusterfunk · 03/04/2023 17:50

I’d suggest telling him you’ve booked a private appointment to get sterilised. See what his reaction is. That should tell you everything you need to know: if he’s been making jokes that he thinks are funny but are way off the mark, or if it’s a passive aggressive way of wearing you down.

This is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading the thread.

OP I would be very careful about your contraception in the meantime. In your shoes I'd be doing what @Clusterfunk suggests ASAP and not having PIV sex in the meantime.

billy1966 · 03/04/2023 18:37

Beantag · 03/04/2023 07:06

To be honest I'd walk away. I suspect your instincts are on the nose and down the line he will apply pressure or else walk away from the relationship over it. Which is unfair of him as you've been upfront and honest, but I wouldn't stick around to find out and potentially waste years of my life with someone. It does suck when you otherwise get on really well.

This.

I think your gut is right.

He thinks you may well change your mind.

I think it is very off putting that he doesn't respect you enough to believe what you have clearly communicated to him.

Time to move on.

ClassicLib · 03/04/2023 18:47

I’m childfree by choice and many people told me that I would change my mind when my body clock started ticking (I didn’t). It’s possible that your boyfriend simply doesn’t take seriously a woman under 35 claiming she doesn’t want children for this reason.
I would still regard his comments as a massive red flag, though. This issue is a deal-breaker, and you’re either on the same page or you’re not. If you’re not, the relationship doesn’t have a future.

Original poster
ijustdontwantthem · 03/04/2023 21:24

I've decided to end things. After 6 months, I shouldn't be second-guessing myself, or posting on here, or debating changing my contraception. He's not the first man I've dated who has done this to me and I don't think I'm going to be taken seriously until I've been sterilised. Thanks all for your support.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 03/04/2023 21:31

@ijustdontwantthem I would be doing exactly the same in your shoes. And there are plenty of men around who WILL take you seriously. You just havent found one of them yet.

Original poster
ijustdontwantthem · 03/04/2023 22:13

JenniferBooth · 03/04/2023 21:31

@ijustdontwantthem I would be doing exactly the same in your shoes. And there are plenty of men around who WILL take you seriously. You just havent found one of them yet.

Thank you. Quite frankly pissed off and very upset right now - I thought he'd have more respect for me, given we were friends for years before this.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 03/04/2023 22:20

Is he likely to react badly when you tell him or have you already told him.

greenel · 03/04/2023 22:43

You've made the right decision to end things. The clue is in him saying 'he always imagined himself with kids'. That isn't going to change.He probably (like a lot of people, including women) think you'll eventually come around/don't know for sure etc etc. And the 'comments' are him testing the waters. 2 of my friends got married saying they didn't want kids, husbands are now putting the pressure on after a decade of being together (and initially saying they were cool without)- and they both feel trapped. Same as your case, husbands clearly did not take them seriously.

There are plenty of genuinely child free men out there, he ain't one.

DannyZukosSmile · 03/04/2023 22:48

Good idea to end it.

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