I'm worried he thinks I'll change my mind about not wanting kids

[ijustdontwantthem]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, before that we were friends for 3+ years. Given we've not been dating that long, the topic of kids only came up fairly recently. I'm in my early 30s and have never wanted children, ever. I'm aware that I might wake up in 5 years and change my mind, but I hope that isn't the case.

Boyfriend admitted that he always imagined having kids, but equally 'isn't too bothered either way'. However, he keeps making jokes about us having them. I've stated multiple times that that won't happen and if I did find out I was pregnant, I would be devastated. It's frustrating, because he's an intelligent and logical man, but it's eroding my trust in him. It makes me worry that he thinks he can change my mind, or that he'll spend a few years with me before deciding he's serious about wanting them. It seems to me like he does actually want them, but just doesn't want to admit it. I don't know how to raise the subject again though, as it just feels like words at this point.

I think it's absolutely fine to not want children - and to stay 'child free by choice.' But to try and get yourself sterilised at like, 19, 20, 21 (like a few posters have suggested,) is absolutely ludicrous. No wonder it's not allowed. Whilst I'm on the OP's side, and think her partner is actually practically bullying her, I'm really against anybody having sterilisation under the age of 30, to be honest with you.

Many women I know, including myself, were adamant that we never wanted children. Even when I married my husband in my mid 20s, I was still never wanting children. He didn't want them either. Then he started to get a little bit maternal and around 27 to 28 years old (we are the same age.) I still didn't want them.

Then suddenly for some reason I hit 29 and then bang, I suddenly started to look fondly at the children of my friends, and family members, and work colleagues, and started to get this massive, massive surge..... of maternal feelings. I started to develop feelings and emotions that I never knew existed.

I'm not saying everyone is going to have that, and it's fine NOT to. But you MIGHT do. And I think it's absolutely ridiculous to be sterilised at 19 to be honest. Because as I say - myself, and dozens of women I know (who didn't want children,) got to between 27 and 32 years old and suddenly had a massive maternal urge.

I don't think sterilisation should be allowed until 35, to be quite honest with you. If you're not wanting them by 35, there's very little chance you will change your mind and want them. If you're not wanting them at 25, (or under,) there's a good chance you WILL change your mind by 30-ish...

Same goes for men. Having a vasectomy at 20 or something is stupid. As I said, my DH never wanted them, and then got to 28 and BAM, he had a desperate desire to be a dad.

And don't even think about mentioning 'a sterilisation reversal...' because in many cases they don't work!

Why do you think you’re qualified to make that decision for anyone else?

The potential for someone to regret something is not reason enough to prevent them doing it if they’re an adult of sound mind.

Happy 18th Birthday You are an adult now so eligible to pay council tax.
No you are too young to be sterilised You dont know your own mind.

They still refused me when i was in my thirties.

@whumpthereitis I never said I am qualified to make others decisions for them ... WTF are you on about? I stated my opinions and views, and I am entitled to them. It's on YOU if you can't handle the fact that others have different views that you're not going to like. I stand by EVERYTHING I said up there. ^ Suck it up buttercup.

What a silly analogy. Reaching much. 🙄

But what if someone out there changed their mind at 35? Do we raise the age to 35? What about if someone changed their mind at 40? It would never end.

I am pretty old now (I won’t say how old incase there are people my age who do not consider themselves old but let’s say I could be becoming a great grandmother at my age rather than a mother) and people still tell me ‘it’s not too late you know, you could change your mind and adopt’, so there are people who would think any age was too young because you can always change your mind.

Did you at least speak to him before dumping him?

He may be on the same page but just have an idiotic sense of humour.

Can't you at least sit down and definitively ask him if he is actually OK with not having kids.

‘It shouldn’t be allowed’ (to paraphrase) is what I’m ‘on about’. As if you not liking something means that other people should be able to access it.

The questioning of views, a fairly common occurrence on a discussion forum, is not the same thing as an inability to handle said views. I’m also not sure why it’s vitally important for me to know that you dramatically ‘stand by EVERYTHING’. You’re not on trial love, calm your tits 🤷🏻‍♀️

The ‘some people may regret it, so it shouldn’t be allowed’ POV is downright dangerous. I’ve heard people use the same paternalistic, odious argument against abortions and other personal decisions that should be entirely up to the person considering those decision, whether they eventually regret them or not. It’s called bodily autonomy and no one else’s business whatsoever.

@ijustdontwantthem
It is wasting time. As he now wants kids and she still doesn't. She's right, always said this wasn't on the table, but if that's now what he wants, it's something she can't give him. It's no one's fault it's just human nature x

@DannyZukosSmile My GP told me at 37 I was too old to make it worthwhile getting sterilised as I’d likely be menopausal within ten years. This after about 15 years of being told I was too young. You just can’t win. I’m on the implant now which is as effective but that doesn’t work for some women and the idea of an accidental pregnancy still worries me.

My GP told me at 37 I was too old to make it worthwhile getting sterilised as I’d likely be menopausal within ten years. This after about 15 years of being told I was too young

Urgh @Clusterfunk how frustrating.

I think you are wise.

Perhaps from now on you should simply state that you are unable to have children as this eliminates any discussion and will remove those men that think they know better than a women they barely know, what she really wants🙄.

I wish you well.

I have several old friends that also chose to not have children.

They remain among my most content, supportive, fresh faced friends!! and have NEVER regretted their decision.

It also never stopped them meeting similarly minded men.

They live awesome lives that my husband on occasion, has pondered about🤔😁

Time to talk seriously and really explain you won't have kids. He doesn't seem to be believing you.