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Original poster

Dating as openly plus size, but still being rejected

74 replies

Janese2 · 02/04/2023 18:46

Hello everyone,
so I’ve been online dating for few months. I am large woman (size 18-20). I try to put pictures online that reflect my weight and being honest (no filters!) - I mention that I’m plus size on my profile too . I think I’m a good catch (I think I’m funny, kind, have loads of hobbies and a good job). However, I can’t seem to get past first / second date and I can’t seem to think of any other reason than physical attraction and them not liking my size (one date even said they would like me if I lost some weight ). I go for fairly handsome fit men, but for some reason I don’t get hit on much by other chubbier guys (even tho I would like that). Dates are going well in my eyes and usually end up taking it to other bar/coffee/restaurant/walk and dates turn into hours and then saying how amazing I am. It’s really letting me down and I don’t know what to do😭 Do men lie on dates saying they are blown away to then not call / say they are not feeling it? Is that normal ? I asked my guy friend if there is something wrong with my way of talking / conversations and he said he doesn’t get it, because my personality is great so it must the pictures / look issue… also I’m in my 30s (usually dating 27-40)

OP posts:
Tradeup · 02/04/2023 18:50

Let’s be honest, you are attracted to fit guys just as men are attracted to fit women. Weight is often a deal breaker for men and women, we need to be physically attracted to our partner even if they have a fantastic personality.

Online dating may not be the best place to meet men, who go by looks even more than women.

CultureAlienationBoredomandDespair · 02/04/2023 18:51

Being brutally honest (and I’m plus sized too) some men will go in dates with larger women as they think they’ll be ‘grateful’ and sleep with them straight away without them having to work at it. They probably can’t be bothered to actually find out about you or care much- their loss.

Confidentialityiskey · 02/04/2023 18:52

Do you put a full length photo up? Saying ‘Plus size’ and just having a picture of your top half may not give them the full idea iyswim.

DaanSaaf · 02/04/2023 18:52

If you're being honest about your size on you profile, and getting first/second dates then I don't think your appearance is the problem! (Aside from the dick who mentioned your weight). It only takes 1 or 2 meetings imo to see if there's a connection or not, it doesn't mean you won't find someone.

Tradeup · 02/04/2023 18:53

Maybe a website for plus size people? https://www.wooplus.com/

MMmomDD · 02/04/2023 18:55

OP - when you say - ‘I go for fairly handsome fit men’ - what does it mean?
I don’t know what platform you are using - but if you yourself only swipe on handsome&fit - then I think the answer is in the kind of men you are trying to date.

Unfortunately - it will probably take you a while to find someone who will first focus on your personality Vs size.
But you only need to find one guy - not charm them all. So, I’d just keep at it.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 18:58

Do men lie on dates saying they are blown away to then not call / say they are not feeling it? Is that normal ?

Are you waiting for them to contact you after the date?

WatieKatie · 02/04/2023 19:01

OP, I’m a size 8 and very toned and have exactly the same experiences as you when I used OLD. Lots of first dates whereby they’d said they’d had a nice time, I looked good, they’d like to see me again however I never heard from them again or received a thanks but no thanks message the next day.

TheSnootiestFox · 02/04/2023 19:03

Tradeup · 02/04/2023 18:53

Maybe a website for plus size people? https://www.wooplus.com/

A size 18 is hardly in need of a separate website, although I do understand the problems you are facing OP. I'm a size 18, 5ft 9 and my frame is what makes me plus size, plus a bit of lipoedema on my arms and legs. I struggle to fill a D cup so BBW hardly applies, I just have the rib cage from hell. I also think that big blokes don't go for big women as they're concerned people will think that's 'all' they can get, and fit blokes are a write off as they think we're ill disciplined and lazy. I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to sit it out until.i mett someone in 'real life!'

5128gap · 02/04/2023 19:05

Handsome fit men on OLD are as rare as hens teeth and can be like kids in a sweet shop with unlimited budget. If they were interested in you from honest pictures showing your body type, it's highly unlikely it put them off when they met you. More likely that just as you want them for their looks, so do many other women, and they're enjoying the variety.

Original poster
Janese2 · 02/04/2023 19:09

@Confidentialityiskey I have multiple full body pictures

@GoodChat no it’s 50/50 sometime they message first /sometimes me..but they let me know “we are not the best match” or just totally slow down messaging / ghost me

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 02/04/2023 19:09

Janese2 · 02/04/2023 18:46

Hello everyone,
so I’ve been online dating for few months. I am large woman (size 18-20). I try to put pictures online that reflect my weight and being honest (no filters!) - I mention that I’m plus size on my profile too . I think I’m a good catch (I think I’m funny, kind, have loads of hobbies and a good job). However, I can’t seem to get past first / second date and I can’t seem to think of any other reason than physical attraction and them not liking my size (one date even said they would like me if I lost some weight ). I go for fairly handsome fit men, but for some reason I don’t get hit on much by other chubbier guys (even tho I would like that). Dates are going well in my eyes and usually end up taking it to other bar/coffee/restaurant/walk and dates turn into hours and then saying how amazing I am. It’s really letting me down and I don’t know what to do😭 Do men lie on dates saying they are blown away to then not call / say they are not feeling it? Is that normal ? I asked my guy friend if there is something wrong with my way of talking / conversations and he said he doesn’t get it, because my personality is great so it must the pictures / look issue… also I’m in my 30s (usually dating 27-40)

I don't think they mind your size - I would bet they find you attractive, but dating sites are really "hook up" sites for most so I doubt many of them intend to even go to another date because that's not what they use these sites for

Xmasbaby11 · 02/04/2023 19:10

I was a size 16 when I did OLD and hardly got any dates - when I did, a lot didn’t get past the first date even though it seemed to go well. I honestly rarely get male attention, never did - don’t think I carry the weight well and it’s not attractive to a majority.

I did eventually meet Dh when I was 30 so a happy ending for me - after many years of loneliness, hardly any dates or relationships. I am 47 and a size 20 now. I’d be very unlikely to meet someone if I was ever single again.

Nottodayplease36 · 02/04/2023 19:15

I’m tall, slim and toned and have the same experience. I don’t think it’s because your plus size, especially since you’re being open, it’s just OLD culture unfortunately.

zeldarubinstein · 02/04/2023 19:19

Hmm I dunno OP it might be what you think it is...or it might not. I met DH OLD over 10 years ago and had several experiences similar to yours as a size 8/10.

One date in particular where we were supposed to meet just for coffee but ended up spending the whole day and late into the night together just chatting and eating and drinking and lying in the park, I really thought there was something there.

I headed home feeling really hopeful for a change, and just before my head hit the pillow he messaged saying he'd had a lovely day, and he thought I was great, but just not for him. So whyyyyyy spend the best part of 12 hours with me then??!! He wasn't a creep, he didn't try to kiss me let alone shag me so it wasn't a sex thing.

Another one I went on 3 dates with, acted like he really liked me, holding hands etc, I stayed at his house once (no sex, all very respectable), he introduced me to his housemates, talked about doing things together, and then all of a sudden told me he didn't want to take it any further with no real explanation- I can only assume something I did or said put him off me.

Men are sometimes just weird. As we all are I guess.

MegIsWhite · 02/04/2023 19:19

I get what you're saying, OP. I would've said that you could have a great personality as you say but that doesn't mean you're compatible with them personality-wise. Or you could even have interests they don't like and they've let you down gently.

To answer your question, yes some people (not just men) lie for different reasons. I'd wager it's to not hurt your feelings face to face during the date.

I'd also say most people, especially men, like to cast their nets wide on online dating so don't settle on one person till they believe they have no other better option. They'll leave you coasting till they're sure.

This is how you weed out an unserious person.

I also doubt it's your look because they've seen you in pictures, full size so they should know what to expect unless they thought you were exaggerating your size for some reason and wanted to find out for themselves.

The arse who told you to lose weight when he already knew your size is...well... an arse. I'd run for the hill because he screams "controlling!" already.

Favouritefruits · 02/04/2023 19:27

If you are getting the first and second dates I really don’t think it’s your appearance at all. It could be a number of other reasons, maybe men find you full on or too strong etc. maybe the men you’ve dated are just strange or not interested due to no spark.

DeflatedAgain · 02/04/2023 19:33

Maybe try a different dating app? Some of them are full of time wasters

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 02/04/2023 19:33

OLD is, so far as everyone tells me, always like this.

Many men just use it to hook up.

You May have better luck at a hobby group or something similar.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 02/04/2023 19:50

Don't let dates go on for hours. You've got some place you need to be. Give them a taste of how wonderful you are and they will more likely want to come back for more.

SarahAndQuack · 02/04/2023 19:55

I just think online dating is like this, TBH. It's not like when you have a date after two months of increasingly flirty conversations as friends - it's a leap in the dark.

To meet someone you really like, I think you have to play a numbers game and have loads of dates. Some of them won't want a second/third date. Sometimes you won't. But none of that reflects on you. It's just a function of online dating.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 19:59

Reading some of the responses here, and elsewhere I don't think the issue is your looks, not if you've been as transparent as you say. In the same way you've been on a few dates, these men probably have too, or might have some lined up. It's like going for an interview. Just because you didn't get the job doesn't mean there's something 'wrong' with you, it's just someone else was a better fit.
Of course there are some characteristics or that most people would agree with are 'negatives' but one man's meat is another man's poison. Is there really such a things as a great personality? Think about your last few dates. Where they all perfectly decent and pleasant? We're you? Then they might equally be thinking that the dates were going really well and have been surprised if you had declined a 2nd/3rd date. You've not mentioned anyone person you 'clicked' with. I'd say you've done nothing wrong just they don't fancy you.

gerbilcrocus · 02/04/2023 20:54

I don't think they mind your size - I would bet they find you attractive, but dating sites are really "hook up" sites for most so I doubt many of them intend to even go to another date because that's not what they use these sites for

I'm told from a male friend that on Tinder most women in the 35-50 bracket are very adamant in their profiles and messages that they definitely are not up for ONSs for FWBs. Maybe it's different for younger women?

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 02/04/2023 21:53

I've been on dates where I've enjoyed the other persons company, gone on to the next place etc. doesn't mean there's that romantic spark - just having a fun time, and when you come away from it and evaluate, you realise, on balance, you wouldn't see them again. Probably testament to you being a fun, nice person that the dates go well. If it becomes a pattern, I'd stick to a quick drink - why should they have the pleasure of your company if there's nothing in it for you?! :) and if they do like you, they'll be arranging the next meet! Good luck :)

winterbegone · 02/04/2023 23:31

Online dating, it seems the quickest way to get a date but the longest to find someone suitable for most, you've never met each other apart from seeing photos, the chemistry can only be there in person, so would take quite a lot of dates until it's mutual. I don't think it's always to do with size or being the best looking. Flirting and believing that you are sexy will help, being a charmer!