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Original poster

What do you do when your ex insists on talking to children about money issues?

67 replies

ZedChair · 01/04/2023 08:34

Dc live with me, and see ex approx once a month, weekends if during term time or up to a week if during a longer holiday - all his choice.

He doesn't work, lives in benefits. I receive all the child benefit etc for the children because they're here most of the time and I pay for all clothes, shoes, devices, out of school classes, trips, etc. He just has to buy them food and pay for any activities he chooses to do with them when they're with him.

He spent quite a long time not seeing them at all, and I claimed cms during that time, which was £30 pcm total. When he started seeing them again (which the children wanted so I wanted to support) he said he couldn't afford to if he was paying the cms so I said he could stop that.

Recently he has started to ask me, every time he has them, to give him money to pay for their stuff while they're there, which I have refused. Honestly I can't afford to - I have debt, he chooses to do paid for activities every day, which I cannot afford to do, and the children cost me more and more as they get older.

They come back from his saying that I get 'all the money from the government' and he gets 'nothing' and it's not fair - I should give him some.

I don't want to bring them into something which is totally inappropriate for them to be aware of, and I don't know what to say when they come back from Easter contact when they will inevitably have had this shit dropped into their ears throughout, because he has been particularly complaining to me, about my refusal to pay him to have them this time.

They are 9,11,15.

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:42

They really are old enough, for you to sit them round the kitchen table and be open and honest with them.

No drama, no name calling of ex. Just the facts.

means given how infrequent their get togethers are… I wouldn’t spent too much time worrying about this

Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:42

Do you work?

Backstreets · 01/04/2023 08:48

God, he sounds useless and he’s putting you in a tough position. I think villsev’s advice is sound if they come back talking about this. In time they’ll probably see him for what he is.

PaigeMatthews · 01/04/2023 08:51

Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:42

They really are old enough, for you to sit them round the kitchen table and be open and honest with them.

No drama, no name calling of ex. Just the facts.

means given how infrequent their get togethers are… I wouldn’t spent too much time worrying about this

This.

‘your father has no money because he chooses not to work. You need to work to earn money. The government doesn't just give people money. Let’s talk about what careers you're interested in at the moment… ‘

Namechange224422 · 01/04/2023 08:55

In your position I would address the child benefit question with them without making a fuss about the other discrepancies.

I’d explain to them that the government money called child benefit is for necessities for them and not for days out or for running the house - those are the parents responsibility.

Show them how much child benefit you get, and then show what you spend on a couple of specific necessities for them which he doesn’t buy eg school lunches, uniforms, school shoes etc. Ideally you’re trying to show specific things which add up to a bit more than child benefit.

Id also text him and say “please could you stop talking to the children about money. I don’t want to have to explain to them that you don’t support them and haven’t for x years but I won’t lie if they ask me outright “

Id also completely stop giving him any money (make sure the kids know they can call you to pick them up if needed) and go to cms.

QuillBill · 01/04/2023 09:00

I'd go through it all with them at the table too. Look at the bills and talk about what has to be paid. Talk about how people have jobs to pay for things.

My friends ex did this but their dc were much younger so she just had to ignore it.

Joy69 · 01/04/2023 09:16

He won't change, even when they are young adults. He will just project more of his victim mentality onto them. Definitely sit the kids down & tell them the facts.
I feel for you, men like these are pathetic, I have an ex like this. My ex works & earns nearly 3 times my salary, but still has no money & I end up paying for school trips etc. I know I'm a mug, but why should the kids miss out because their Dad is an idiot.
Word of warning. My 19 year old son is now paying off my exh credit cards. Don't let your kids fall into that trap when they're older.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 01/04/2023 09:18

Aw God, I had this exact situation with my children's dad.
He was self employed but often would not go to work each day.
I have 3 jobs to keep us afloat as well as the kids living with me 5 days out of 7.
I ignored and it has not been mentioned in a long time.

Minimalme · 01/04/2023 09:23

They are all old enough to see the figures op.

Show them how much you get in child benefit, how much you earn and how much you spend feeding, clothing a need housing them per month.

Then show them his incomings and out going benefits, estimate heating, food for single person.

This will help them in their lives too to realise how much life costs if you are a responsible person.

Next time he asks you for money, tell him to fuck off.

Howtolikeit · 01/04/2023 09:24

I don't want to bring them into something which is totally inappropriate for them to be aware of

I think you should be frank with them. I work and earn x. On top of that I get child benefit to help pay for your food and clothes and other essentials you need (and it’s really only a small top up - not meant to pay for cinema trips / trampolining or whatever your ex wants to do). Your dad does not work, and he does not get the child benefit because he does not pay for the majority of your food or any of your clothes etc.

I wouldn’t go at it blamey or say mean things about your ex. I’d just lay out the facts as they are and talk about the value of money etc. And if we don’t want to end up struggling for money like the ex, what can we do about it? Ie: what ambitions do they have for when they’re older etc.

thegrain · 01/04/2023 09:24

The 11 and 15 year old are definitely old enough for you to explain your finances.

And you should still claim the CMS!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/04/2023 09:26

I agree that your children are at a great age to be told what everything costs - literally break it down, and who pays for all of it, and who pays for none of it. Also explain that you can pay for it because you work and earn money. Let them know that child benefit doesn't come close to the cost of providing for a child.

Original poster
ZedChair · 01/04/2023 09:28

So - maybe it's a bit more complicated (or maybe it's not and I'm overthinking).

I don't work - I had to stop working a few years ago when eldest dc had complete breakdown, was excluded from school, couldn't go back into education setting full time and was diagnosed with autism. This dc has really complex needs (they didn't just suddenly appear - they'd built up and worsened over the years until the crisis). He had since had several more breakdowns, ended up in hospital having attempted suicide, cannot function in the way an ordinary 15yo can and gets DLA, and I get carers.
But - I have never told him that he is the reason I can't work. I don't want to put that on him on top of his own issues he has to deal with.

Ex doesn't work because he has bi-polar. He was working when we met, but stopped as soon as I got pregnant with eldest and never started again. Although he has done bits of cash in hand work here and there over the years he probably couldn't manage to be in employment because he is totally unreliable and impossible to deal with.

So he feels 'entitled' to benefits I receive because they're for the children, and they his children too. But since he sees them so little, and doesn't pay for anything other than food and activities while he has them, I disagree.

He had a coke problem when we were together, he would go off and spends literally thousands over a single weekend. We never had any money despite me working in a well paid job, because he spent it all on drugs and cigarettes. I don't have any confidence that any money I did give him would be spent on the kids. But I certainly wouldn't share that info with them.

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 01/04/2023 09:34

Joy69 · 01/04/2023 09:16

He won't change, even when they are young adults. He will just project more of his victim mentality onto them. Definitely sit the kids down & tell them the facts.
I feel for you, men like these are pathetic, I have an ex like this. My ex works & earns nearly 3 times my salary, but still has no money & I end up paying for school trips etc. I know I'm a mug, but why should the kids miss out because their Dad is an idiot.
Word of warning. My 19 year old son is now paying off my exh credit cards. Don't let your kids fall into that trap when they're older.

What a waste of space he is, what kind of lowlife puts that onto their barley adult child. I hope your 19 year old see's him for what he is soon and stops getting sucked into the pity party. Does 19 year old know how much his Dad earns and that he's chosen to run up debt for things he doesn't need? I expect though you've already had those conversations.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 01/04/2023 09:39

Given your update you can leave working out of it and explain those benefits are directly for the kids basic needs, like food and clothes, they're not for outings otherwise you yourself could use them for that and so they go to you because you're the person that feeds them 95% of the time and buys 100% of their clothes. You could also explain that the rules mean only you can legally claim this money because you do so much of their care. I think I've got that right about CB rules, not in UK.

MarchMadness23 · 01/04/2023 09:43

Im sorry about all of this, it sounds really hard.

given your updates, this is what I would do (as others suggested earlier) get them all together & explain that the child benefit money from the government is to 'help' parents to look after their children. It helps to cover clothes, school uniform, shoes etc and that it is only a bit of money towards those things, that you pay for the extra that costs. Explain that you also pay the rent/mtge, electric/gas/water & council tax etc. car/bus/petrol whatever & Dad gets benefits, but he only has to pay for himself.

they are old enough to have it explained to them. However, your eldest in particular might still be susceptible to your ex's 'poor me' bollocks. My friends son is 22, with autism & his Dad can do no wrong, even when clearly being a bastard. It's HARD, but just stick to your narrative.

Don't give him money, he's occasionally feeding them, that's all!

Try to enjoy a bit of a break while they're with him over Easter, don't waste it thinking about what they'll say when they come home
🌷

Original poster
ZedChair · 01/04/2023 09:58

Thanks - I have explained to them before what I pay for and that this is why I get the money. I guess I just stick to that.

An issue for me is that I feel quite shitty about not being able to work and worry about setting them a bad example. Exs narrative that I get all my money from the government and he should have some of it doesn't help.

OP posts:
thegrain · 01/04/2023 09:59

ZedChair · 01/04/2023 09:58

Thanks - I have explained to them before what I pay for and that this is why I get the money. I guess I just stick to that.

An issue for me is that I feel quite shitty about not being able to work and worry about setting them a bad example. Exs narrative that I get all my money from the government and he should have some of it doesn't help.

If he cant work then he can ask the government for money

Phineyj · 01/04/2023 10:10

That is a tough situation. But the upshot is the person caring for the DC most of the time gets that money so just keep explaining that calmly. Maybe have to hand the correct figure e.g. dad had you to stay 5% of the nights last year. I was going to say the figure for how much of your outgoings the benefits cover but obviously you don't want to worry them about debt.

When your younger DC are older, they will realise why you couldn't work. I can see why you don't want to go there with the older one.

Barclay Money Skills is a good resource for this age group, to get them thinking about earnings and bills.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:11

Ok so neither of you work.

Surely your children can see that it makes sense you get any government support considering they are with you 95% of the time?

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:14

So your eldest child doesn’t attend school? Are you a full time carer and receive carers Allowance?

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:15

How long ago did you split?

he’s not worked for 15 years due to bi polar? Where does he live? It’s not a great example for your kids, no

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/04/2023 10:19

It’s not great that neither of you work as of course your kids will believe that people get money from the Government to live as technically it’s true.

However I can see your struggle - you’ve got perfectly good reasons not to work but if you explain them your oldest might feel blamed for that. It’s a hard one! If your ex has bipolar that’s debilitating enough not to work, can he claim DLA too? Being honest here I have Bipolar II and work full time, always have, and my psych has always advised that work and routine and activity helps. But I understand everyone is different in terms of how their illness affects them.

I’d do what PP have suggested and just set it out - children have needs, you meet more of them as you have the children more, therefore you get more money.

titchy · 01/04/2023 10:20

Your ex surely also gets money from the government - UC, HB etc? Can't you point that out to them? Agree with just sticking to what you get for CB though, and not bringing in your CA etc.

Lastnamedidntstick · 01/04/2023 10:21

So both of you don’t work?

so he is right in that you get money from the government to support you and the kids, while he only gets money to support himself.

I think the only approach you can take is to be honest. Neither of you are able to work, so fortunately the government has a system to support those who can’t work.

unfortunately the money to support the children is only payable to one parent, the one they live with. It only covers costs, and there isn’t enough to share with your ex.

it’s tough, but unless either of you can work for extra money you are limited. Explain that to them.