What do you do when your ex insists on talking to children about money issues?

[ZedChair]

Dc live with me, and see ex approx once a month, weekends if during term time or up to a week if during a longer holiday - all his choice.

He doesn't work, lives in benefits. I receive all the child benefit etc for the children because they're here most of the time and I pay for all clothes, shoes, devices, out of school classes, trips, etc. He just has to buy them food and pay for any activities he chooses to do with them when they're with him.

He spent quite a long time not seeing them at all, and I claimed cms during that time, which was £30 pcm total. When he started seeing them again (which the children wanted so I wanted to support) he said he couldn't afford to if he was paying the cms so I said he could stop that.

Recently he has started to ask me, every time he has them, to give him money to pay for their stuff while they're there, which I have refused. Honestly I can't afford to - I have debt, he chooses to do paid for activities every day, which I cannot afford to do, and the children cost me more and more as they get older.

They come back from his saying that I get 'all the money from the government' and he gets 'nothing' and it's not fair - I should give him some.

I don't want to bring them into something which is totally inappropriate for them to be aware of, and I don't know what to say when they come back from Easter contact when they will inevitably have had this shit dropped into their ears throughout, because he has been particularly complaining to me, about my refusal to pay him to have them this time.

They are 9,11,15.

I suggest you get the children to make a few sandwiches,take fruit with them,snacks etc so at least they start the weekend of with some food.The situation is awful for the children and it s not their fault their father is useless.Does he still have money for smoking and drugs?but nothing for his children.You are doing a fantastic job looking after your children I hope life improves for you.

In your shoes I’d start claiming CMS again. It’s the only thing he’s good for.

Just be honest with them, tell the exactly how much cm you get, and then have some figures to hand about how much clothes cost, your weekly food shop etc and they will soon see that you pay out far more than you receive, I'd also tell them that Dad should pay towards these items each month, but as you know how little money he has you don't take this off him so he does have money to spend on them.

I'd also explain that their dad chooses to not work rather and that you have no choice

I guess the other alternative might be to ask them what they would like to do without at home in order to free up cash for their dad. I'm guessing that you spend very little on yourself, OP, so you'd have to make cutbacks on stuff that would directly affect the children. Might help them to focus their minds a little!

so people with MH issues “choose” not to work?

he has a diagnosed MH disorder. If he can’t work due to that disorder, it is not a choice and the children shouldn’t be told it is.

especially when the dc has issues that mean they are struggling to function which is why the o/p can’t work.

Don't worry - I'd never tell the dc anything negative about their dads not working. Tbh I don't ever even mention it and I won't begin to do so.

he has a diagnosed MH disorder. If he can’t work due to that disorder, it is not a choice and the children shouldn’t be told it is

with medication he most certainly could and not a chance he will be receiving LCWRA

If he is able, without support, to care safely and reliable for three children, including one with significant disability, for several hours and even a week at a time he is capable of working for money. The vast vast majority of people with mental health diagnoses work and like @Nowhereelsetogo90 says benefit hugely from the routine, sense of purpose, feelings of self worth, contact with others. DLA is for severely disabled people who need help from someone else to do essential day to day activities. And OP has heard him exaggerate and lie to benefits assessors.

You don’t know that’s the case here though.

o/p isn’t questioning her ex’s ability to work so why should anyone on mn who has no idea what his situation is.

A lot of them do, yes. Mental health is to the job centre now what a bad back was in the 80s I’m afraid. My DH has a cousin who openly tells us she can’t be arsed doing more than sixteen hours so lies to the DWP about having depression. It’s very easy to get a GP to say you’re depressed if you look up the answers to the standard questionnaire and fill in accordingly.

I have bipolar II and work 40+ hours a week. I know many similar people. Work provides stability, routine, a reason to get out of bed, self esteem. All vital for good MH.

No she says she’d never tell the DC anything negative about him not working

Take it you missed this @Lastnamedidntstick

Tbh - I'm not really buying into his bs about not working

Yes, sit them down and explain what money pays for what - they are old enough to understand this.
But - I would also message him and tell him to stop making allegations about unfair finances to them or you will have a frank discussion with the oldest (at least) about how much he has spent on drugs. I would have no hesitation in doing this. He is behaving appallingly and the DC are being taught that you are at fault. I’d make sure he knows the consequences of carrying on doing this.

Sadly telling him not to keep saying this stuff would be like a red rag to a bull, and if I told dc about his drug taking he'd flat out deny it and things would spiral. It would not be a positive road to tread for me or the dc.

Have you tried showing it to them visually? Visual representations can often work better for kids then just a discussion. One way I could think of is using Lego or other blocks or monopoly money if you have it, to represent the money you get, so 1 brick represents a specific amount maybe 20/50 pounds, don't make the amounts too small as it could look like you have more than you do. Put that in the middle then put blocks into seperate piles say this much pays for food, this much pays for rent and so on. You could do little tags to go beside each group. Pause when you've got the absolute basics covered. Explain that all that money goes on the most basic needs like food, a roof over your head, clothes bills etc.

Then show them how little is left over and explain to them about a contingency fund and how any extra gets saved up for things like birthday presents and to cover things breaking or needing repair. Show them that all your money is allocated already and their isn't any left over to give to anyone else. Tell them as they're children the government gives you that money to cover THEIR needs. That as their Dad's an adult it's his responsibility to manage his money to provide for himself. None of that money is allowed to be claimed by their Dad because he doesn't fit the criteria to get it and if the government wanted some of it to go to their Dad the criteria would be different. That the right thing to do with that money is to meet DCs needs as that is why it's given to you in the first place.

Put in a CMS claim so he has to start paying the £30 each month, and if you're feeling generous you can give that back to him for the weekend he has them.

Yes, I agree.