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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get over a break up....... that happened six years ago

55 replies

Newgolddream70 · 29/03/2023 19:20

My exH left me at Christmas 2016. We had been together nine years and married for four and we had DS2. It was a huge shock when he told me he didn't love me and for six months afterwards I hardly ate or slept, it was awful. There was another woman on the scene (of course!) and they had been meeting up for a whole year. He moved in with her quite quickly after he left me and they are still together now.

Whilst I got over HIM, I haven't got over the way he treated me and I am still so angry about it all. I just want to let go but it's hard when he's very present in our son's life (which I know is a good thing) and he texts me every day to ask how 'our star boy is' and has he had a good day at school etc, I wish he would just bugger off! I know it won't be forever but it's so hard having to deal with him and I wish I could just disconnect emotionally from it all. A friend said to me 'why does he still get to you so much?' and I couldn't answer the question, he just does.

When we split, he lied at mediation saying he needed £X amount to rent a two-bedroomed flat but as soon as the signed consent order came back, he moved into the OW's house. He has DS 8 nights a month so he has lots of child-free time and his career has taken off. They have expensive holidays (DS goes too) and cars and a big house but money is tight for me and I had to start claiming UC at the age of 47 for the first time ever (I am now 52). The family home was sold and I managed to scrape enough together to buy a two-bedroomed flat on shared ownership.

It doesn't help that my Mum died during lockdown and I'm in the thick of peri-menopause so probably mentally not at my best but how do I shake him off and compartmentalise him in my head? Just not sure I'm ever going to be rid of him. Even at my son's football matches his grandma and grandad come to every match (ex's parents) and I feel I can't get away from his family. I don't want to see them.

I've been trying to write this post for a week. It could have been pages long if I went into my ex's behaviour but I wanted to keep it as short as possible!

I'm still waiting for the switch to flick, if you see what I mean but it's not happening. I want to feel relief. I see other Mum's moving on and having new relationships and I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest (maybe that's the hormones though 😆).

I am wondering if hypnotherapy would work. Any advice would be appreciated and thanks for reading if you managed to make it this far.

OP posts:

Allthecheeseplease · 29/03/2023 19:27

Have you tried any therapy before? I think going to a counsellor might help. I was in a very similar situation to you albeit 6 years earlier. I also lost a parent during lockdown and am around the same age judging by your hormone information 😊 Two young DC's and counselling saved me. I am remarried now and happier than I ever was before. You absolutely can get through this.

DorritLittle · 29/03/2023 19:31

he texts me every day to ask how 'our star boy is' and has he had a good day at school etc

This is why you can’t get over it, in my opinion. You need to put up boundaries whereby your contact is about handing over your son only. He has no right to this information, he can ask him on the eight days a month he has him.

Cherrybl0ssm · 29/03/2023 19:45

He sees his son 8 days a month yes asks how he is every day?
So he has a choice - he can see his son more. Then he know how he is. Or not
But either way it’s time to find the strength to stop the texts. Or stop responding to them. You could say that your routine has changed and you are unable to respond. Or something vague like that.
If he wants to talk to his son he can call but on a set day at a set time. Then you are prepared.
Therapy - hypnosis of something else might help. You have been through a lot. No wonder you are upset.

Darhon · 29/03/2023 19:46

If you have him on WhatsApp- archive and mute him. That way you only open the messages when you want. Only text neutral things about you child. Ignore the daily text or only respond to say you won’t be answering daily if he pushes it. In time your son can text him himself. If he is there with his parents at the football, explain to your son that Daddy, grandma and grandad are watching him play football. Look for the earliest opportunity for him to do something else or move the football to his father’s weekend. Sorry this happened. You’ve done so well to have your own place and to provide for your son. Don’t give his dad anymore space in your head.

Cherrybl0ssm · 29/03/2023 19:46

Sorry yet, not yes

Arcadia · 29/03/2023 19:50

I agree with the above. I am a family lawyer, the daily text messages are not normal even for a very amicable couple.

category12 · 29/03/2023 19:50

Stop with the daily texts, it's too much and it's unnecessary.

How old is your child now?

RandomMess · 29/03/2023 19:55

Daily contact is waaaaaay too much. He's in your daily life hardly surprising it's messing with your head still.

winningeasy · 29/03/2023 20:00

Can your son have a basic phone so his dad can call and message him directly?

Original poster

Newgolddream70 · 29/03/2023 20:15

DS is 8 now. He has messenger on his iPad for contacting us and I don't want to go down the phone route for a couple of years yet.

I did have some sound counselling right at the beginning of the split but maybe I need some more.

The ex is manipulative and likes to get his own way. In the immediate aftermath of the breakup I just wanted to keep the peace and maybe that has been to my detriment. I definitely need to work on the boundaries because they are frequently crossed. Not in a sexual way but he over-shares things about himself and his life and I'm just not interested. It's things I don't need to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newgolddream70 · 29/03/2023 20:16

Not 'sound' counselling, just counselling!

OP posts:

Hawkins00 · 29/03/2023 20:19

@Newgolddream70 having hobbies or a new partner helps, it does take a while, with my and my ex, I'm pretty sure the boat has sailed, but there's always the chance we could reconnect, but it's unlikely, untill then I focus on other aspects and hobbies ect.

category12 · 29/03/2023 20:22

OK, so your ex can contact your son by messenger on his tablet for the idle chit-chat/how's your day been things. I'd let him do that instead of contacting you daily. It'd be better for his relationship with his son if he did than using you as a proxy.

supercali77 · 29/03/2023 20:22

Honestly stop replying to the texts. You could say something like 'im really busy so can't text every day, id prefer it if we kept it down to essential communication ' and then just stop replying unless it's something important. I suspect that men who go off with an OW and clearly don't see their kids enough comfort themselves with the narrative that they're still close or friendly with exW. You don't have to participate in it.

RandomMess · 29/03/2023 20:23

Just email ex and say you won't be responding to these daily requests for info from now on and to contact you via email for essential things only.

Then block apart from when your DA is with him.

DorritLittle · 29/03/2023 20:40

he over-shares things about himself

He likes thinking that you care about him so he’s keeping you just there. I agree he just sounds manipulative. I bet he casually talks about you to OW and makes her uneasy too.

DorritLittle · 29/03/2023 20:41

RandomMess · 29/03/2023 20:23

Just email ex and say you won't be responding to these daily requests for info from now on and to contact you via email for essential things only.

Then block apart from when your DA is with him.

I agree with this. Block his phone unless your son is with him, then email only, about arrangements.

Coffeeonmynind · 30/03/2023 06:31

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from. I am four years on from a marriage split and I still a bit like you.
My exh was unfaithful more than once and we split because he wanted to and then I found out the extent of his infidelity so there was no way back.
We kept it friendly for the kids and he still comes round, I hear from him etc. Not as much as you do but it's enough to mean I haven't moved on as I should.
He is doing well financially, has a younger partner and is living the life. Whereas I'm not and it's hard to take, it feels so unfair.
Because it is. Add the menopause on top and it feels doubly unfair!
I definitely didn't put in enough boundaries and regret that. I am trying to now but the kids (teens), who don't know their Dad's sketchy past, question why I am "being mean" to their Dad.
I don't have any great answers for you Op, just wanted to say I understand how you feel.
My only consolation is that I know I have a closer relationship with my kids than he does and that they do see him as more distant and selfish. But he does have the cash to splash which often seems to make up for that.
I hope you manage to start putting distance between you and him but I do get how tough it is. Hang in there.

fruitypancake · 30/03/2023 06:37

That sounds really hard.. agree counselling and boundaries .. you've got this

Original poster

Newgolddream70 · 30/03/2023 07:35

@Coffeeonmynind seems like we're in a similar situation.

All I've tried to do is keep things harmonious for my son's sake as why should he suffer because his Dad just decided he wanted a new life? Like your ex, mine has surplus cash for luxury holidays and days out so of course, DS thinks he's wonderful.

Do you know I still have the same DFS sofas we had in the family home? All paid for and clean but looking a bit tired now and I never really liked the colour. Ex came round to pick DS up once and I said to him 'I wonder how much I would get for these?' and he looked down his nose and said 'just chuck 'em'! He wouldn't be seen dead owning any DFS these days.

My DF says as you get older, material things don't matter - it's time that's precious. And whilst I agree with him, it's still hard having 'Dad's got this and Dad's got that' unintentionally rammed down your throat.

DS and I are very close and he talks to me about anything and everything. He is my number one and I am teaching him to be kind, considerate and respectful. I might have shit sofas but I'm a damn good Mum.

OP posts:

Cyanchicken · 30/03/2023 07:41

Can you get the CMS reviewed given that he has no housing costs now?

Original poster

Newgolddream70 · 30/03/2023 07:49

@Cyanchicken it's due to be reviewed next month (we do this every tax year) although he's just been promoted and has been telling me all about it (eye roll - this is some of the over-sharing) and will be getting a 'significant salary increase' so I should get a bit more which will help.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 30/03/2023 08:14

I agree with previous posters who have advised firm boundaries. No more replying to texts about your son, let your ex contact your son directly for chit chat. You can still be polite so there's no need for disharmony but do not get drawn into his oversharing conversations which are of course a way of rubbing your nose in his new life, and at the same time keeping you a part of it in an unhealthy way. Re meno symptoms definitely consider hrt, it can make a huge difference to your energy levels, mentally and physically, and that plus some more counselling could really help give you a boost.

Name99 · 30/03/2023 08:23

Boundaries OP.

There's no need to be coming in your home when he picks your DS up he can knock and wait, you say he's oversharing but you are engaging in it too.
Talking about the sofas to him, you opened this conversation and his response has upset you, the trick is to not allow him to upset you in this way.
Shut down the daily texts.
I know it's hard but you have to protect yourself and your mental health

Original poster

Newgolddream70 · 30/03/2023 08:25

@Seaoftroubles I'll definitely start work on the boundaries. He's taking DS away next week and I reminded him to let me have the details of where he'll be - he WhatsApped them to me last night but I didn't reply. The two blue ticks should suffice. The daily texts I will start to ignore and hopefully they'll trail off.

I've just thought of another thing he does - when DS goes to a party or school disco, he'll always message me and say 'don't forget to send me a photo of his outfit'. It gets exhausting. It's like being married still without any of the good bits!

I am on HRT patches and have been for about 18 months. I have a review of the dosage in a couple of weeks - it took me ages to get that appointment.

I can get some counselling sessions through work still so I shall explore that option too.

OP posts:

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