How to get over a break up....... that happened six years ago

[Newgolddream70]

My exH left me at Christmas 2016. We had been together nine years and married for four and we had DS2. It was a huge shock when he told me he didn't love me and for six months afterwards I hardly ate or slept, it was awful. There was another woman on the scene (of course!) and they had been meeting up for a whole year. He moved in with her quite quickly after he left me and they are still together now.

Whilst I got over HIM, I haven't got over the way he treated me and I am still so angry about it all. I just want to let go but it's hard when he's very present in our son's life (which I know is a good thing) and he texts me every day to ask how 'our star boy is' and has he had a good day at school etc, I wish he would just bugger off! I know it won't be forever but it's so hard having to deal with him and I wish I could just disconnect emotionally from it all. A friend said to me 'why does he still get to you so much?' and I couldn't answer the question, he just does.

When we split, he lied at mediation saying he needed £X amount to rent a two-bedroomed flat but as soon as the signed consent order came back, he moved into the OW's house. He has DS 8 nights a month so he has lots of child-free time and his career has taken off. They have expensive holidays (DS goes too) and cars and a big house but money is tight for me and I had to start claiming UC at the age of 47 for the first time ever (I am now 52). The family home was sold and I managed to scrape enough together to buy a two-bedroomed flat on shared ownership.

It doesn't help that my Mum died during lockdown and I'm in the thick of peri-menopause so probably mentally not at my best but how do I shake him off and compartmentalise him in my head? Just not sure I'm ever going to be rid of him. Even at my son's football matches his grandma and grandad come to every match (ex's parents) and I feel I can't get away from his family. I don't want to see them.

I've been trying to write this post for a week. It could have been pages long if I went into my ex's behaviour but I wanted to keep it as short as possible!

I'm still waiting for the switch to flick, if you see what I mean but it's not happening. I want to feel relief. I see other Mum's moving on and having new relationships and I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest (maybe that's the hormones though 😆).

I am wondering if hypnotherapy would work. Any advice would be appreciated and thanks for reading if you managed to make it this far.

@Newgolddream70
Yes there are parallels with both of our stories. And I really do get how hard it is.

I still live in the family home which makes it more complicated. I had to literally tell my exH to ring the doorbell and not use his keys to come in!

As I say, in my situation, we didn't tell the kids about their dad's historic infidelity and I haven't slagged him off to them so when I start putting down boundaries now they see it as me 'being difficult' and think I'm jealous of his new relationship. Once when he was hanging about and I hinted that it was time for him to go one of my kids said 'I live here too Dad and I want you to stay.' That was a tough one for me.
Obviously he should have realised it was on him to say no and go anyway but he's entitled and selfish so wouldn't ever see things from my point of view, he likes to have his cake and eat it. Dip in for some family time when it suits him, swan about with his younger child-free girlfriend the rest of the time.

Your son is younger than my kids and your ex partner is really demanding whereas mine can message his kids direct. In your shoes I would be trying to set more boundaries now before your son gets older and is used to his dad coming round, coming in etc.
Amicable is one thing, push over is another. I have definitely been a push over but we split when my kids were early teens/tweens and already had some things going on at school etc. so I just wanted to keep them on the level. They are both really well adjusted and doing well in their studies so it feels worth it from that perspective.

Well the daily text has just arrived (in my archived messages now) whilst DS was sat next to me. I said 'Dad has messaged asking how you are' and DS said he will message him back and he's just done that.

Well done OP. Next step, get your ds a cheapo device where he can get whatsapp/text and tell the ex - ds's number is this, if you want to see how he is you can text him directly.

Oh, I missed the fact that your ds messaged him probably on his own device....so yeah, the ex can surely communicate directly

@supercali77 yes sorry, he messaged him on his iPad.